Should you date if you don't love yourself?

[lovelorn lassie]

I don't love myself and never have done. I just wondered if other people feel that way on here and whether they think even think about entering a relationship feeling that way about themselves?

I have mh issues and I think that has led to my self loathing, along with the daily psychological bullying I suffered at school which I've never really dealt with properly despite seeing psychologists in the past. I am trying mindfulness but I find it hard to switch off from thoughts going round in my head, mainly about a guy I have had to let go of but also of general stresses and other problems. There's no way I can recover from the mh issues now and as a fundamentally broken person who can't love themselves I don't think it's fair on others to put them through being with me in a relationship. I have sexual problems anyway so there would be no point. I can be emotionally manipulative which is what the guy I had to let go of had said of me. It just feels to me like the last thing I should do is engage in a relationship. But I still get lonely, I suppose my main issue is learning to accept that I have to stay away from men, avoid becoming attracted to them and trying to find other ways of keeping my mind busy.

Do other people feel that not loving themselves should be a good enough reason to stay single? Obviously for me there's more going on but surely you can't love someone else in a healthy way if you don't love yourself?

[pcmaster]

Relationships are important, but you shouldnt jump from one relationship to other without being single for a while. While you are single you can sort your problems out. Also you could use relationship to motivate you work on your problems while taking relationship slowly. If you cant get attracted to guys then that is not fair for guys who get get attracted to you.

When dating you should be clear about your intentions ant what you want. If you love yourself before entering relationship then you are doing favor for yourself. Otherwise its much harder to have health relationship if you dont love yourself.

[lovelorn lassie]

It's not about not being attracted to guys, but you're right, if sex is a problem in any way you shouldn't engage in any kind of contact with men, which is one of the many good reasons for me to be single. I can't love myself now and I agree with you that you can't have a healthy relationship if you don't love yourself. Just one of many reasons why relationships would be a no no anyway. My problem is really learning to be happy on my own and accepting that situation properly. I have no intention of getting involved with anyone again, I just want to be able to keep my emotions in check and stop looking at men in that way completely. If I had friends it would help but I only have one, I don't trust people. It's finding things to do too really.

[topazlight]

I think if you are not happy with yourself, working on you, being happy with you is much more important than dating and focusing on someone else. I am not dating, isn't in me at the time to couple up, not feeling it now, but when I do I will adjust my thinking because I'll have worked through my me issues. Nothing wrong with being single.

[lovelorn lassie]

Thanks, I agree completely.

[richiro]

good news is you are acknowledging it - this is the hugest obstacle to fixing it. So good on you. NOw it's time to just get to fixing it.

As far as dating/relationsihps - yeah it's okay if you still do it. HOWEVER, it will be hard, painful, and disappointing forthe most part until you fix this. You will also attract the type of people who will not be so helpful in letting you heal and get better.

The ideal here is to take a break and work on yourself, learn to love life with yourself without the need to depend on another for happiness. Its when you get to THIS point aht the good ones start coming towards you and things work out better.

You can go either way - but the road and experience you will have will be vastly different for each road. I recommend the latter - it's what worked for me.

Good luck!

[lovelorn lassie]

I don't know how to learn to love myself.

[Hooo!]

How about doing what you want?
If you are open about it and let the other one know
It's their decision

I have some questions for you: what do you really want?
How come you think you deservehow you currently treat yourself?
How does your inner voice sound if you are talking thinking about yourself?
What do you like?

[lovelorn lassie]

I just want to be happy. I've done a lot of stupid things in the past and behaved in a naive way. The guy told me I was manipulative and because he said it it will always stay with me. But I can see times I have been. I know that everyone's probably been manipulative in their life but I can see where I might have been a few times. My inner voice is very critical and cynical. What do you mean by what do you like?

I don't love myself so there's no point getting involved with anyone.

[Hooo!]

Thank you for your answer. I would advise yourself to seek a good therapist.
If you want to be happy the first thing is to enjoy life.
You dont need to love yourself to enjoy life.

And i dont buy the bullshit regarding you being "manipulative"... Whether that is true or not - being manipulative is not something that leads to people not loving themselves.
Usually if a person says they cant love themselves its rather more of a form of either hate or regret - or both.
I do not know if this is the place for you to talk about it. Feel free to do so. However I would rather have you go to see a good therapist about it.

Another thing about being manipulative: It has such a negative ring that word: "manipulating"
Well currently I am manipulating you. I dont deny it. If you get the waiter to bring you the food you want - then you are manipulative.
If you want to get to know another person a stranger - then you will have to be manipulative.
And its a good thing. We all manipulate in every conversation we have.
Look at Ghandi. He is a big time manipulator. (or the pope if you will)
I do not see anything wrong with having intention and going to get what you want.

Regarding your inner voice: i mean what does it sound like (or who does it sound like)
where does the voice come from
and what does it say to you (examples)

If you dont like yourself but you like other people you have plenty points to get involved with anyone?

And what do you not understand about the question:
What do you like and love?
Maybe its not yourself, but what is it instead?

[lovelorn lassie]

I love dogs and animals in general more than anything. I like deep conversation and hate talking about trivial things. And chocolate fudge cake. Walking in the country and falling asleep in someone's arms. I like protective men (I know that's old fashioned) and men who are physically strong. Some sci fi but also romance. All kinds of music. I love singing. Baking cakes and cooking. I used to write but I always run out of ideas.

You're probably right, I shouldn't talk about it here. I talk to people on a mental illness discussion forum too. Therapists cost money and I can't get it for free but I am considering different things right now.

My inner voice is me or my mother criticising me. That I am difficult to live with is one example. Or that I am manipulative. Or a nutter. Or not worth it. Things like that. I'm not pretty because the man I like doesn't think so. It wouldn't matter if anyone else thought so, it's his opinion that sticks in my head. I know that's sad.

Thanks for the support. When you put being manipulative like that, it does help.

[Hooo!]

it doesnt matter how i put it. it matters how YOU put it.
I think you should have a talk with your mother then.
i will get back to you on the other matters if i have the time.

Do you want to change?
If so how do you want to change?

[lovelorn lassie]

I wasn't angry at all. I appreciated the post. I must have given you the wrong impression. Sorry. I would like to be more self confident, but I don't think I am worthy of self love. I'd like to move to another town and get a dog, go to the gym and go out more. Obviously I want a job too. I only have part time ones just now. If I was less negative that would help. I am doing mindfulness. That teaches self compassion so iI need to do more of it. And keeping busy is important for me.

[richiro]

ok.. how do you learn to love yourself? Actually.. that's probaly the wrong approach. You see, i don't thnk one truly learns to "love one's self" - in fact i think that'd dangersous. Think about it.. the people that "love themselves" are sorta the people we all are annoyed by right?
so let's adjust the mentality here and i thik it'll make much more sense.

No... don't look at it as "i need to love myself." Instead, what we're really saying and is true is, we want to LOVE THE LIFE WE LEAD AND HAVE! And by proxy when we do that, we end up loving life, and thus find a way to be comfortable and content with ourselves in a way. but I am a complete subscriber to the philosophy of "never ending self improvement" which means i will never 100% "love myself" - but am always finding things to improve on myself. But when i combine that with loving the life that i had, enjoying the fruition of some of the things i've worked DAMNED HARD to get to - I can enjoy and feel good about what i've done and why - and that is as good as "loving one's self" as i think people mean by "love myself."

so there's your blueprint. and really. it isn't going to happen b/c somebody gave you a script or steps to follow. It must come thru yourself. And that is. figure out what you enjoy (you already put some things on here). Figure out what brings a smile to your face that doesn't depend on anybody else. figure out what brings you joy. identify the things you could do all night and not think of sleeping, and yet wouldn't complain about. THAT stuff. start incorporating ALL that stuff and soon you find your "life is a joy" or "you love your life" - then you[ll see the difference in how you see yourself.

Good luck.

LASTLY.. it'll never happen if you insist (and yes.. you are INSISTING) on dwelling on how much you don't love yourself right now. Its as if you are CHOOSING to be miserable rather then go after and enjoy what brings you joy (b/c you obviously could name some things...) so until that changes or you CHOOSE to chnage that - none of this matters or will help you.

[lovelorn lassie]

I think calling it 'self compassion' is more helpful really. But you're right, I think I have hit the self destruct button a but too much recently.