Confused and heart broken

[meloveu]

I'm confused and hope someone can shed some light...

A little background: Six months ago my ex of 5 years moved out on me. I can't recall exactly why he moved out but concluded to myself that we both were too consumed and stressed with our careers that we forgot how to tend our relationship. We both would argue over the smallest things and irritate each other. In retrospect, I realized we stopped focusing about the good qualities of the relationship and knit picked each other's flaws.

Anyway, when he made the decision to move out it broke my heart. I was hurt but realised how unhappy we were with our life and agreed that we would keep the relationship but take the time apart to focus on ourselves and our careers. It was really hard for me and I cried a lot at night coming to an empty home but I wanted to be strong for him and the relationship.

During the six months that we were apart we hardly talked nor saw each other. I reached out to him a many times to see how he was doing and in hopes to discuss our relationship. He was short and always told me he wasn't ready to talk. He seemed distant and It felt like we weren't even dating.

Fast forward to present, I broke down during the holidays and said I couldn't hold on anymore and wanted closure. In response, he told me he was finally ready to work on our relationship. He gave an ultimatum to move back home part-time. His reason was to determine if we would get along again.

I want the relationship to work but a part of me felt like I would only be stringed along. Keep in mind we saw each other once or twice every two weeks and hardly spoke or texted each other. Him moving back feels like a set up for failure especially since our relationship is rocky at the moment.

I proposed to take it slow and have him slowly spend few nights here and there but he disagreed. I complied. Two days after his proposal, I didn't hear from him so I called to check in if everything was okay. He was short but said yes. I followed up again the next day just to say "hi" and he seemed short again with his answers. I started to feel insecure and questioned his ultimatum. Was he saying it to buy time? Was he having doubts why he hasn't called or texted?

I wanted the relationship to work but honestly am still hurt and confused how he up and left without a legitimate reason. I unconditionally love him but don't want to feel like he is settling again.

So I pushed his buttons by questioning and expressing my hurt while he we were apart. It made him angry and frustrated. After three restless nights of talking on the phone, He broke off the relationship and hung up on me, deeming the relationship is unsalvageable. I love him but I don't know how to make it right.

Did I over analysed the situation? Can someone please shed some light?

[meloveu]

After talking to a friend who is a family lawyer, I realised how screwed up my thought process was. I over analysed the situation and had doubts. I was scared of being hurt and felt insecure. I let the past get the best of me. It took me finally writing down the events and my thoughts that lead up to Friday night to realizing how confused I was. While you took 6 momths to sort your feelings and focused on yourself, I spent my six months dwelled on what went wrong in the relationship and coping with the changes. I am sorry and take full responsibility of my emotions. I want to work things out with you and to be happy but I need to deal with my personal demons and find happiness within myself first before I can be happy in a relationship again whether it be you or someone else. I forgive you for the past. Now I need to learn how to forgive myself, love myself, and find happiness in myself. This is my closure.

[rjkennedy]

Hello melovu
After reading your post, I feel it's time to move on. I clearly understand that a five year investment in any relationship is a long time and hard to let go; but you must. He found someone new while ya'll was together. It sounds like during the later stages of your relationship, when things started getting rocky, he already had someone waiting in the wings. Why do you think those petty arguments would start? This is what he wanted(that just gave him more reason to get away). It really sounds like a 'want his cake and eat it to' situation.

He only wanted to make things work between you two, when you threaten to break things off for good. His confusion comes into play trying to figure out how to keep you both, which leads to more anger and frustration when you 'push his buttons'. Melovu, you won't get him back. It's time to move forward with your life.

[meloveu]

Thanks for your honest feedback RjKennedy. After a few days of soaking my emotions, I realized it's time to move on. I have no choice but to move on. He made the decision the relationship was over the day he moved out. Maybe he's was seeing someone and the only why he could keep himself in check was to offer the ultimatum... Either or, The person that was holding on the entire time was me... I don't know what he's thinking nor can control is actions but only mine... It is what it is.

[meloveu]

Love turns me into an idiot. Time to wake up and smell the coffee!