I think I made the biggest mistake of my life

[billyboo]

Hi there,

Not used to these forums but I can't keep all this in my head anymore. I went to university in 2012, there i met a girl who we shall call Alice. I feel head over heels in love with Alice within about a month of meeting her (Bare in mind i had recently come out of a long relationship so all these feelings where a big surprise to me) Anyway we became really close friends and started to get on really well. I basically got friend zoned but at the time it didn't really matter, I think when your in love with someone the only thing you care for is to see them happy. Alice had a boyfriend during the first year of University & long story short he was a prick and didn't treat her well. We ended up hooking up in second year and for a while it was like a dream, i couldn't comprehend that someone I had such strong feelings for was finally mine. Fast forward to now & I am no longer with Alice, we split up back in September because we were in a long distance relationship & rarely saw each other. Looking back I really wish i had put more effort into the LDR beacuse when we did split up I was fine at first. But roughly 2 weeks later I got hit by a major depression, i think its because my dream was over and my nightmares were beginning. I really really want her back, like its sending me over the edge how crazy I am about this girl. People say to me that I am young & will find someone else. Problem is I don't want anyone else, I still love Alice as much as i have ever done. She never leaves my thoughts ever, surely if this wasn't true love then i wouldn't be sat here 5 years later having the exact same feelings. I am scared though because she has matured a lot over the time i've known here and really grown up into a strong independent woman. My plan is to sort myself out first then try & get her back in my arms, problem is I am literally shitting myself if it doesn't work out in my favour. My life plan hasn't gone accordingly so far but without her It feels like my world is falling to pieces around me. Am i crazy? Am I a bad person? well i must be for letting the best thing in my life walk out of it. If anyone could give me any advice on this i'd be eternally Grateful.

[Bazarbi]

don't think you're a bad person. People have to make decisions based on circumstances, so I doubt she holds it against you for the LDR not working out. Here's a few questions to ask yourself, are you being realistic, 5 yrs is a enough time to think about all the pros / cons and outcomes. Could it even work? ...is she in a serious relationship now? How will you feel about telling her the truth, it was the biggest mistake you ever made, your feelings run deep after all these years, apologise for the lack of effort you felt you could of contributed more in the LDR. Tell her it would make you the happiest man alive if she gave you another opportunity.
Prepare yourself for rejection. Try not to fall to pieces if she can't run through a Daisy field with arms ready to embrace you...if she doesn't want another shot, keep your cool, do life, be a friend to her, eventually she may just see that you are her true love as well! Or she won't ! Just try your best not to give out creepy, to needy or stalker vibes..that could send her running fast and far away ..

[billyboo]

Firstly, thank you very much for your comments. I'm not very good with talking about my emotions and i don't really have many people i can feel like I can open up to but I am trying harder now. I haven't ever really questioned my love for her, we always got along so well but I think she was a lot maturer than i was during our time together. But this time apart has really opened up my eyes to the reality of existence. I don't know what will happen in my life but the thought of going through it without her by my side seems catastrophic. I feel like If there is ever a chance of us getting back I need to do something sooner rather than later. I don't know if she has been with anyone since me but im pretty sure she hasn't. If she gave me another chance i swear i would put 100% effort into making her the happiest woman alive, im also really scared of her saying no but i also realize it is a possibility and will respect her fully if she does. I am also a bit more at peace now with my feelings for her though, as you said id be her friend and be there if ever she needed it. I mean i know they say that you realize you have when it is gone and my god did i realize that, but it isn't something that feels like something to think about in the future it feels like i need to get her back as she was honestly the best person to ever walk into my life.

[pcmaster]

First of all you are crazy. 5 years is too long to move on. If you google guides - how to get over ex, then you will see you did everything wrong. If you fell in depression 2 weeks later then you should have seen doctor right away and get on meds to stabilize your mood. Now it seems like some mental ilness have developed that dont let you move on.

You might be a good person, good at heart. But you did some mistakes. Like we all did. Just most important thing is to dont repeat those mistakes.

If you would sort yourself out, you wont need ex anymore. Thats the truth. You need her only now while you are stuck in the past. It can take a great while but you will benefit from learning to live in present moment.

If you want to start doing something about your life then start with therapist. Besides that work towards your goals and normal things you want in life. Sucsess with girls will come once you work towards becoming a better man.

It wont be fast or easy but years from now you could get back to normal life and thinking. Actually even few months could do a lot together with meds, therapy and efford from yourself, doing the right thing. But to really become happy and confident and stable, you will need longer time.

[billyboo]

I dindn't like what i read at first but I feel like i needed to read that, so thank you. I think im struggling to move on so much is because I hurt her, i never cheated on her or hit her or anything like that but I made her upset. Looking back hurting the one person you swore never to hurt is such a difficult thing to comprehend. I now know that deep down my feelings for her are real & will likely always be real. But I do need to respect her & give her a chance at a happier life (even if im not a part of it) It just feels all too much to deal with but to be honest talking about this all is really helping .