Why is she like this and what can I do about it

[Paul.com]

Hi, in 2015 I got emotionally attached to a girl at work but at the end of 2015 she started dating her current boyfriend and they have been together now for just over a year. At the time they got together we spoke on fb and both agreed the way things were we would never be mates, friends or intimate so I deleted all her contacts from my life and prepared to move on.

But through out 2016 I've been getting phone calls, she's been asking me to pick her dinner up ect once when I was out with a mate she used another of my work friends to find what bar I was in and then came and found me, not only this but just before our Christmas do this year she was going round my friends at work telling them I was in love with her.

I would like to add that for my part I have not given any her any reason to suspect we can be anything but work colleagues, in fact she has had to be told 5 times how things are this year just gone each time her response has been yeah ok or I'm fine with that.

Now you know the facts, I am really looking for advice how to ensure this year does not go like the last one as we have only been back one week and she has been trying to get chummy aging and when I do not respond she switches tact and will talk about how great her boyfriend is. Any advice or comments will be greatly appreciated on how to deal with this girl. Thanks

[Fuzzyfeeling]

Well , it seems like she wants to play wid u real bad.

BUT ,if you want to do this the right way and you want her out of her life emotionally. I suppose you should be blunt about it here's how it'll work out.

1-you approach her and tell her you have no interest in her whatsoever , and you'd like her to stop being nosy(thats as blunt as it gets ig) now she either leaves you ,or the harassing intensifies. If so , a restraining order ,is in order.

2-you do nothing ,and suck it up until she stops naturally (that would take ages)

[Paul.com]

Thank you for your advice, I would like to point out that she was told once on Facebook in Dec 2015 twice in March 2016 when she dragged me out of 2 bars to talk again in September 2016 when she got a mutual friend to find out where I was drinking then came to that bar by message through the same mutual friend and then December 2016 by one of my work mates.

I wouldn't care but she has a boyfriend and a kid by a previous boyfriend.

I'll give what you say ago but I fear it may just go in one ear and out the other.

[TheEvilJester]

If it is at all possible, I would say you avoid her completely. You don't need somebody like that in your life. Why does she act like that? Probably because she's one of those scumbags who just enjoys causing drama in everybody's life. You don't need that.

So, if it IS possible, just remove her from your life completely. If it ISN'T, I would agree with Fuzzy's advice. I would add to be firm but fair. At least at first. In other words, you don't necessarily have to start by telling her something along the lines of "Knock it the Hell off or I'm going to have a talk with the authorities." You can start somewhat more gently. Just something like "Look, I just want to be clear that I have no interest in anything but a professional relationship at the work place, so I'd thank you if we could just keep it at that.

....Though it kind of sounds like you HAVE done that already. So, if you have already tried being polite but firm about it.... then yeah, time to remain firm, but stop being quite so polite. You still don't have to go from 0 to 100 right away, so to speak. You can more firmly tell her "Look, I've asked nicely and you aren't listening. Stop with all the drama behind my back and let's go back to just being work friends."

Also, if you have already tried the firm but polite approach, you might want to consider filing some kind of report with HR at work. I would start off by telling them that you don't yet want to escalate anything, but you just want your complaint on record. That way, you don't necessarily have to have them start doing anything, but they are at least aware. That way you avoid the possibility of you trying to tell her more firmly to knock it the Hell off..... so rather than be a mature adult she decides to report YOU as though you were the one who did something wrong.

Good luck to you! Hopefully she can finally take a hint and back the Hell off.

[Jstar845]

I’m glad you reached out for support on this situation. It seems that she knows that you are or were emotionally attached to her and she is taking advantage of the situation. Thus, you stated she calls you, used someone to find you at a bar and even tells others you are in love with her. She may have or had some feelings for you as well. But, it’s clear that she is using this to her advantage even though, she has a boyfriend. I’m wondering if you have thought about ending the communication you have with her?. This would let her know you are serious about letting her move on with her life. Best wishes!

[Paul.com]

My last message to her through the same mutual friend she used to find what bar I was drinking in that time was asking her to delete all my contact details she might have for me and not to ask me to run around for her, I got to response back so thought we were good but I was wrong

[Paul.com]

So in my mind I would have thought I had made my self perfectly clear were we stand

[rjkennedy]

Sounds like this girl has issues, Paul. She seem like the type who enjoys experiencing the fact that, she know's your sorta into her, but the feeling is not mutual. She just enjoy the fact you're there when she need something. Making false claims you're in love with her. By her spreading this rumor, she thinks this will make you feel good. This girl is a user and too much into herself.

She knows you'll always be there when she wants something. In her mind, she figure you should be happy just being in her presence and think she's doing you a favor when she wants things.

When you start getting a little too close, she throws up her boyfriend and she's sure to let you know all between them is good. I ran across women like this in the past before. She enjoys hurting guys feelings. Just keep things strictly on a working professional level, unless you enjoy those type of silly games.

[TheEvilJester]

Exactly. That's the same image I get of her in my head from what you describe. Somebody who just loves the attention.... and almost equally loves treating people like crap once she gets what she wants. That kind of lowly scum just LOVES too find good people like yourself who they think will put up with it. They think they can treat you like crap and you'll just keep taking it..... and then once you show you are just about done with it.... they dangle a carrot and make it seem like they like you too. .....Just long enough until you are right back at square one and then they go right back to wanting nothing to do with you (but secretly loving the attention).

People like that aren't worth a millisecond of your life. So, as much as you can avoid her. As much as you CAN'T (if you have to see each other/collaborate at work) keep it cordial and professional, but obviously and blatantly nothing more than that. Act professionally enough that anybody who would hear her claim you are "so in love with her" would think she's frigging insane based on the obviously professional and nothing further way you act around her.

[richiro]

you definitely make it clear again that her antics are not welcome and that you will not be responding to her any longer. and you stick to that.
if/when she approcahes you just be reasonable, graceful, but firm - "no.. i'm sorry" and always be busy or have something you have to do (as your "exit stage right" so you don't have to linger around her).

she'll get the hint after a while. but don't avoid her or do anything different than you normally do b/c of her - in a sick way that's how they know they can still have influence on you (even if it's negative) and thats' what these types get off of. so if you don't act afraid or avoiding and unphased and go about your day - that's when they get it they have zero power over you anymore and move on.

Good luck. Be carefuil!

[meloveu]

From a woman's perspective, and being honest.... Personally if she has a boyfriend and has been contacting you, wanting to hang out WHICH does not include her boyfriend knowing or meeting You, then most likely thats because she is probably having emotional issues at home. Her boyfriend is probably not giving her the attention or emotional or physical need she yearns. Don't take it personal but She's comfortable around you. And it's clear that YES, you are in the friend zone and a convenience.

From an unbiased opinion Yes you should stop responding to her. Eventually she will get the point and respect the boundaries. Or maybe out will need to go to the extent that of cutting ties. If you both are truly friends, she'll understand come back around with a different approach.

[richiro]

i disagree with the last responder that ignoring her or not responding will work. She has clearly shown that doesn't work with her - nor slows her down. it just fires her up to more activetly come to you. That's because ignoring IS A RESPONSE (in their sick minds). See you can't think like US.. you have to think like the maniac to know what will work on her.

So.. respond. Just don't engage. be cold, unphased, unaffected. (ignoring and avoiding somebody is a reaction and shows she is affecting you - and that keeps her going...) it's not until she gets the clue she DOES not have any more hold, influence, or can get a reaction out of you that she will go away.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I think I would agree with that, actually, so allow me to clarify my advice. I wouldn't say you blatantly ignore her. In other words, if she came up to you at work to ask about something work related, you answer her questions, but be strictly and obviously business only in doing so. If she invited you to go out somewhere, you don't have to ignore her, but you should turn her down.

However, I still think in any way you can that doesn't involve you going out of your way to avoid her, you do try to avoid interaction with her. In other words, like richiro says, you don't necessarily go out of your way to avoid her like the plague, avoiding things you would normally do just so you don't have to see her. Though, I do still think where you can without too much inconvenience, you limit contact with her.

[richiro]

my apologies for misunderstanding EvilJester...
I just wanted to make it very clear/obvious since there can be a million interpretations....

[TheEvilJester]

No apologies necessary. I think that is an important distinction to make, so I actually thank you for pointing it out. Heck, even if I didn't agree with you (I do, though) I still think it is good to offer advice from many different perspectives. So, even if I disagreed with your advice, if it was given in good faith and with good intent, I'd still appreciate your giving it.

As it is, you actually made me slightly rethink my own advice, and I think for the better.