My Ex-Girlfriend thinks I raped her please give me advice.

[stefan23]

This is going to be a long post as there is a lot of stuff that has to be said.

Me and my Girlfriend were together for last 5 years of which we spent 3 years in a long distance relationship... We met each other only during December every year for not more than 20-25 days and were apart rest of the year; but used to daily talk twice for non less than an hour or skype. We also had phone/online sex. She rarely enjoyed it tho.

We loved each other a lot but last 6 months or so i was unemployed and we were to be married in January. I was reluctant about it and wanted to postponed the wedding but neither my family nor her supported me and i used to crib about it to her for last 6 months. On the other hand she never discussed her plans or concerns to me. She diverted her mind else were and betrayed my Trust. A month back she took really bad decisions and lied to me, my family and her family. When this was reviled we broke up; but missed each other a lot. No matter what i wanted to get back with her but she had turned stone heated. She used to message me ask me to meet her late at night when family was asleep. I too couldn't resist meeting her and i continued to meet her.

Yesterday i met her late night. I had no plans of having sex with her i only wanted to see her and cuddle her and hug her as we had not spoken to each other since a week now. As soon as she saw me she jumped into my arms hugged me, we spoke for over an hour in her house in the living room. After sometime her father woke up and i rushed out of the door; she was a bit annoyed and wanted me to stay and let her father see that we both still meet. Due to this i decided to come back in her house and i grabbed her, kissed her, cornered her on the wall and held her hands up tight and kissed her on neck. She used to sometimes enjoy this kind of wild and rough sex before. At first she said no but later when i asked her "Do you want to see my force?" "Should i continue?" She smiled and said YES.

This triggered me i barely penetrated her and immediately withdrew; First i thought she was acting as always, the way she used to before. But then i realized i was hurting her and she didn't want it. I immediately STOPPED and apologized to her. But she started calming that i Raped her. I went on my knees and begged for forgiveness for it and tried to explain to her that it was not my intention to hurt her.

I told her what i had done was hideous, unacceptable thing to do. If you wish to report this to the police, I will stand by the fact and enter a guilty plead. Also i want to die as i can't live on with this kind of guilt. At the time she tried to calm me down and asked me to go home and said i was not at fault. But i realized that i am indeed at fault and want to be punished for my wrong doings. Now she has blocked me every where and couple of minutes back called me saying she is in a deep trauma and needs time to recover. So am i an a trauma and i am very much ashamed of myself as i couldn't even imagine of doing such a thing to her.

I used to be over protective of her and now i have done this to her. I am vomiting since last night, shivering, experiencing bad headache and body ache. I am clueless what to do...Please advice me.

[lovebroken]

Something seems not right here. You both might benefit from some therapy IMO. Leave her alone, don't bother her since she obviously feels you did something she didn't want, or changed her mind about in the process of doing it, IDK. Best not harass her. If she goes to authorities about you, then be honest and deal with things as they happen is all I can tell you. leave her alone because you don't also want a stalking charge on you too.

[stefan23]

Right now she is disturbed and doesn't want to talk about it. As you said i haven't troubled her at all. But what if she doesn't go to the cops? how do i forgive myself?
I don't understand how do i deal with this and come out of it...I am mentally very disturbed and i feel disgusted of myself for doing so. I feel ashamed to even talk to my Mom and sisters. I feel like ending my life... Please help me.

[S0NofHAM]

Don't hurt yourself. If you are having suicidal thoughts, then call your family or friends for support. You don't necessarily have to talk about the incident--instead, you could just talk about your suicidal tendencies and depression.

The story is a little unclear, so it's hard to determine exactly if it was rape or not, and there's different levels of rape. You may have entered a gray (or even black...) area of rape, but it's hard to tell depending on how you told the story. How many times did she say stop or no? Did she seem serious? If you had previously done this sort of role play, and she was say no and then you take her, maybe you were confused thinking it was okay. It appears that it was not okay this time, and it appears that you did not have consent. You probably should have been more careful to realize that she was not role playing. However, it seems as though you thought there was consent, and then the moment you found out there was not consent, you immediately stopped. Furthermore, this is tearing you apart inside and making you want to kill yourself, which means you have a heart and a lot of empathy.

If I were you, I would chalk this up as a mistake and don't ever do it again. It's not necessary to kill yourself (it never is!), and you are probably over-reacting because you feel that you've raped the woman you love. Try to relax, breathe, and understand that you may have made a mistake that you should never, ever do again.

Any time that you hurt someone you love, whether mentally or physically, it will leave a scar on your heart. Just know that you have a big heart, and there are many things to live for.

Closing comments:
-Don't ever, ever, ever do that again!
-It's okay to feel guilty or be mad at yourself, and it's okay to cry, but it's not okay to hurt yourself
-In time, both you and her will be healed from this
-Look forward, move on, and definitely do not contact her at all, and definitely don't stalk her in any way (if she wants to get back with you, let her decide to contact you. You must not force yourself on her in any way or attempt to contact her at all).
-Don't necessarily jump into a guilty plea with the cops. If charges are pressed, get a lawyer and seek counsel. There's no need to throw your life away with suicide or prison.
-Talk to a counselor about this, for two reasons: to manage the depression, and help you figure out how to forgive yourself.

Good luck. Live, learn, and move forward.

[stefan23]

Almost a year back she was in touch with 4 middle aged men (around 40-50). These men were filthy rich and she works for a real estate company where she came in contact with them. That's where she started as a huge invest banks employees and they were very impressed with her presentation skills n her attitude and offered to join them and she was offered a MD kind of position in a overseas company located in Middle East. I was reluctant about it as i had very limited career options there and would have to change my career path. Also i argued with her that you don't have a MBA and you barely managed to complete your undergrads that too in Arts and you just have like 2 years or less experience towards marketing; your profile was of receptionist/HR journalist. So on what grounds are they offering you such a position and she was offended by that.

Later she started hiding stuff from me. She made up a lot of stories of being offered different jobs in the Middle East country, which she received from a recruiter. She had started meeting 4 business men on constant basis and used to go for business deals / meetings with them telling me she is in a meeting and busy and would talk later. I trusted her and never said a word. But when i got angry she used to come online and have skype/phone sex to sooth and calm me down. This continued for over 6-8 months.

We went through a very bad phase since last 6 months and i was under immense pressure of the wedding arrangements. As her family is not that well to do and she had huge dreams and expectations. So i was battling to fulfill them. I am a fresh graduate and had accumulated quite an amount for the wedding prep; but most of it i gave it to her for her wedding gown, shopping, grooming etc.. and i was left with very less in hand. i requested my parents to take care of major expenses for the wedding and they assured me of taking care of everything..

Later her demands increased and she used to crib to me that her parents cant manage XYZ expenses and flowing in to emotions for her i agreed to bare all that by taking up a loan... On the flip my mum was unwell and underwent a major operation in june when i wanted her to be with mum in the hospital as she wasn't allowing me to fly back for her. but she lied to me about going to tc of her n all other things and when i find it out i got angry on her n instead of apologizing she attacked me n fought with me. I was already battling with unemployment and my mum was on death bed and to top it she was lieing to me. I was unable to handle all these emotions and i had a huge and real bitter fight with her.

Last month she went to a far off place for a conference from her current company (this is what she told me, her and my family) and she was bragging alot about it as she was offered a business class air travel and she sent me photos of the ticket. It was a days trip and it was the 1st time she was traveling by air so i didn't wana spoil her mood. Later after a week she again went to the same place. and 3 weeks later to the Middle East country for job interviews.

But that's when i realized that she was lieng to me all along. She had gone to those places with these 4 men and had stayed there overnight and called me and said that had returned home late night and was tired and would talk to me next day. As i was busy with my certifications exams i didnt bother digging deep and couldnt call her the next day both times. But when i found out that she was lieng to me and every1 bout it i got furious and also found from her office that she had quit the job a month back and the company had no conferences in the city she went to. In-fact she had even lied to them and took an off at work.

Now about the incident of Middle East. When i found about it and all the other things i went crazy and feared that she was acting foolish n stupid and these men will use her. I tried contacting her and confronted her about all this even the lie that she was supposed to stay with her cousin sister. But her reaction to this was extremely aggressive and she abused me alot. For 6 days neither her family nor me knew where was she staying or doing. She lied to every1. as soon as she flew back home i took the 1st flight back to meet her in person.

After i met her she easily convinced me that i wouldn't approve of her doing all this and wont let her go. So she lied and was doing it for the both of us as i was unemployed (It was my visa status that was the problem for me to get a full time job and it wouldn't be any problem for me to get a very high pay job back home).
As always she was easily able to convince me no matter how big of a mistake she did, she could easily divert my anger and topic and convince me i was wrong and made me apologize. She usually diverted the topic and convinced me by sexually/emotionally arousing me and got me to do what she wanted and i always fell for it.

I am physically very strong but equally weak emotionally and 1 thing i cant bare was lie which she always spoke to me and later convinced me that she lied for good not for bad. After we had huge fights over it. Over the last 6 months she wanted to get a complete makeover done (i.e. getting lip job, boobs uplift, becoming slim and fairness treatment). The reason she gave was i was too good looking for her and she wanted to match me. I was tired convincing her of i loved her tanned skin color and the way she was i never wanted her to be slim. I had been a Boxer during my college days so i was fit and in shape and i liked her chubby cheeks. but she had changed a lot over the 6 months. She had become so slim that i could barely recognize her from a distance.

After i got back and confronted her about the Middle East trip she didn't revile anything but got me aroused and convinced me she had done nothing wrong. But since our parents were involved and things went bitter we had to brake up... But i always felt something was not right. I used to cry all day and night but there seemed to be no effect on her. She said that she had become stone hearten and had no feelings left in her. Which was quite wired when a girls marriage is broken how should she react? It was completely different. This raised questions in my mind. But few days after that i kept on contacting her so did she. 1 night she asked me to come meet her in her house late after every1 went to sleep. I did so we had sex spoke for an hour or so and then i left. She was asking me to let time pass by after a year or so things will settle down n we will get back together. Till then i let her follow her big fat dreams. But i refused to do so. I asked her to give me an answer YES or NO to marry me n ill convince every1 to accept the marriage.

Her ans was no1 will accept it. and so she differed and ans NO. We kept fighting for a few days and again met a few times but outside during evening and went out for dinner. She was able to convince me of everything and i agreed for her to follow her dreams provided she was clear of her actions and never lie to me ever again.
Again few days after she was not clear of her were-about and it pissed me off. we didnt speak for a week later i couldnt control my feelings and when my anger was no more i called her. Then she told me that she didnt ans me properly as her sister was with her. I dnt know it that was true; but i believed her. She asked me to come meet her again late night that day. Than the story continued as i mentioned in my 1st post....

She never role played but used to like it rough... but this time when i asked her she smiled and replied yes... she was ok me doing it on the wall... As i took her to floor she was resisting a bit saying her father is awake and might come... While she was resisting i had not penetrated her i was on the side and holding her hands upwards. But soon i realized that i was holding her hands quit tight and it was hurting her. It was dark so i couldn't understand her expressions exactly but i did realized i hurt her n let go of her immediately... after that she did mention that i have hurt her hands a lot and than she claimed that it felt like i raped her.

[stefan23]

PS:
Sometimes i feel she manipulates me easily and makes a fool out of me, but i can't get over her. I don't know why. The facts about all those past incidences are not yet cleared by her. She says she felt choked by my questions of where you are, are you safe, who's with you, etc... She says she wanted space and not tell any1 about what she does as she is old enough (26 yrs) to take her decisions n know people very well and its her life.
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She didn't cry after any of those incidences mentioned above... Also after the last incident she mentioned to me she is experiencing body pain and headache and going through a trauma and not to contact her.. She needs time to think and now she can't believe any1... but she sounded very calm.
I insisted on seeing a therapist but she refused. Its been a month that we are going through all this ups and downs. while i am unable to control my feelings and concentrate on any thing even after getting help... she has calmly moved on with her life (i.e. going towards to city for some courses and stuff and read books). She said that she has to divert her mind to get calm so she was able to do so. I don't understand her .. If she says she has moved on than why does she call me to see her n want me to get close to her.. why does she sit in my arms after all this? if she has moved on

[pcmaster]

You didnt raped her, you were more concerned about her than yourself.

Stay away from a drama. That means stay away from her, let yourself heal and yeah - therapy or meds, something like that will help get over her faster otherwise you might stuck with her in your mind for years. Better cut all contacts, block her on everything and delete all the pics. You do not love her so much as you are cought in this drama vortex that makes you addicted because of your boring life in other areas. Find a passion and learn to communicate with other girls. You need to find for yourself that there are better girls out there. Its just you havent tried them all yet so cant tell.
So yeah all you have to do to get your life back to normal and heal is -
1. Lock out ex out of your life.
2. Start solving your problems - first problem is getting rid of your ex.
3. At the same time while solving problems find another girl and get into relationship. A new relationship will give you energy and motivation to work on yourself.

So yeah man its pretty simple. Just ask for help and do everything you can. Worse thing right now would be being lonely or alone. You need friends and support at this difficult time. Otherwise you might run to and think about wrong people like your ex.

[stefan23]

But Do you think i am clean i didn't Rape her as she puts it forward?

- - - Updated - - -

I also want to talk about it to my family; but i am scared and too embarrassed to do so. As my parents wont tolerate it and i am unable to predict their behavior. They will start judging me. What do i do?

[pcmaster]

You are clean. Because she said yes and then you stopped before she even said something and apologized. So its just hear acting like a victim. She have no proof cause you didnt came in her. Theres nothing she can prove cause it was just you two.
I say man dont talk about it with family. Just move on and leave all that shit and people behind.

If you have a little time can you please reply to my last post in my topic? Forum is kinda dead lately.

http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/98744-longing-loved-4.html

[stefan23]

I mentioned in the earlier post that she did say STOP and was resisting; but i was unsure if she was role playing or she meant it. But when i felt that i am holding her too tight n hurting her i stopped and apologized than she said that i Raped her. and way before that i had penetrated her barely by the tip of my penis. As we were standing and her legs were closed and tight. Than like 5-10 mins after that when i picked her up in my arms the way she likes it she was all comfy. After that i kept her on floor and tried the same act but i was on a side not on top of her and holding her hands and she was majorly resisting and saying that her dad might wake up as we were in her living room and exactly next door about 15 feet away was her parents an sisters room. When i tried to get on her she was resisting and in the she did say NO. That's when i realized that i am holding her too tight and might be hurting her and let go of her and than she blamed me.

[mickeyanne12]

I definitely agree with the above advice: give her space, don't keep trying to contact her. Give her time to process everything, and reach out to you. And yes, please don't hurt yourself! If you don't feel comfortable talking to your family about this, talk to someone else. Either a trusted friend (teacher, co-worker, etc.) or a counselor would be very helpful to talk to and get the support and advice you need right now.

[dontaskme]

If and when she decides to charge you for "rape", it will be your words against hers. I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you. Your gf is basically shitting on your head while in a relationship with you. She was probably having sex with those guys from the middle east and getting paid for it. Like you said, she ain't qualified for a business degree so why would someone hire her, fly her first class, etc. She is bad news to you. Don't even waste your time wallowing and crying over a bitch who treats you like crap. If she really loves you, rough sex or not would be called "love making" and not "rape".

[pcmaster]

[MENTION=76442]dontaskme[/MENTION] Right I agree with treating like a crap. Unfortunately this is second guy I see in this situation - touching a girl vag a little with his D and then getting abused for a rape and being shitted on. The problem is guys fall for these girls and lets girls to treat them this way. Love is blind. So are the beta guys who dont know what they are worth.

Its been a while since I noticed - alpha guys and beta guys - same have same problem - girls. No woman no cry as Bob Marley said.

[stefan23]

So 3 days back she called me at night and we spoke normally. She inquired about my health n how was i doing... so did I. The conversation was started off as how ru? what do u do all day etc... than like after 20 mins or so i touched the topic and again said sorry and tried to explain her to think of how we used to have rough sex in the past and try to take that incident as the same as i had no bad intentions... To that her response was I things were different now and she is unable to forget it all and needs more time to get over it and is still in trauma; But her voice sounded quite calm and stable...

Last night she called again and said she was trying to reach me since 2 days n phone was unreachable and again inquired how was i doing... This time during the conversation even i had decided to sound calm to her and i tried telling her to move on and look for other people. To which her response was "I have no feelings left in me and i don't trust any1 any more thanks to you instead of sorting the problems between us you went to your family and broke off the marriage." The conversation went on for sometime than she told me that some xzy friend of mine was inquiring about her availability to be married to her brother in law and people are showing pity towards her as "poor girl really bad has happened to her etc.." I felt really bad n was missing her a lot but i didnt show her that and said than y dont you move on. There r really good people out there and would love u even more. To which her response was the same i dont have any feelings left and people pity me as if i was raped. I dont want any1 in my life i will live alone thats much better. Also i might travel to CHINA for job by end of December as i gave interview there to some company.

I tried inquiring about the company through she gets these interviews scheduled n all but she didnt open up again... I also tried to tell her that we are complete strangers to each other so lets try to open up to eachother and understand eachothers feelings and thoughts. To this her response was its of no use now and when i wanted you to understand me u never did. I told her that u need to speak up so i can understand u and know ur feelings how can i understand things when we are miles apart and not living together.

Now again i am restless and feel like talking to her n going behind her. I dont understand what to do and dont understand what is it that she wants?

[pcmaster]

Man it seems like shes just playing with your feelings - trying to bring out emotion out of you. It seems like she just wants to get whatever there is left in you.
Shut the fck up about rape !!! There was no rape and she have no rights to use this world and you have no need to bring it up or feel quilty or bad about it.
Shes just playing victim when she is totally okay. Man Im telling you you will be better without her. Cut all the contact and move on from this bullshit and drama. Its clear thant things have ended and your relationship is like used broken condom that you both keep playing with. It will never be the same. And if you go back to her then you rather will be miserable than happy.
You have to start realize your own worth and strenghts. With this girl it wouldnt be possible cause she dont appreciate you. You are worth much more than she is giving to you. Its just you are getting so far in life as you think you are worth. If you keep thinking that you are bad then you will get nowhere - pretty much in same place you are now.
So change your mind, change your heart and start living new life. Heal from all the pain and start a new relationship. She said she dont want anyone in her life and wants to be alone. So keep her by her word and let her be alone. Many girls are like that and they are perfectly okay with it.

Really strenght is in not giving a fck. As more you dont give a fck as stronger you are.