Longing to be loved

[pcmaster]

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own


I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

This is how I feel about this dating situation.
Today I messaged girl - like I ussualy do and wanted to meet but she said she dont want to see anyone, just be alone, cause lately she seen so many faces.
So I went to dating site and messaged a girl that I find interesting - I was confident and she responded(My secret is that I dont say Hi, just start chatting right away, I dont look for this approval - dont have to wait for girl to say me Hi back.) And yeah word by word and she agreed to go out tonite, We exchanged FB and now chatting there. Its all good, im not waiting for a single girl, I can find a date elsewhere. Yes of course with first girl I had a chance to visit her in her apartment but I let that chance to slip away and now its seems to be too late, since I mentioned this today too and she didnt agreed.
Besides that I want sex bad and taking cold showers to calm down. Its seems like guys these days are looking for sex a lot on dating sites, and this new girl said she dont do sex on a first and second date. LOL will have to take it slow then.

[pcmaster]

Update - Here is the message I wrote to a friend on 7cups today. It better explains whole dating thing and my feelings towards girls.

Yesterday it was crazy. The girl I been dating had a day off but she didnt wanted to meet cause said shes tired from people and want to be alone. It pissed me off cause all day I wanted sex. So I went to dating site and messaged for the first time new girl that looked interesting, after half an hour chatting she agreed to meet same night 9 o clocks. So yeah man it took me half an hour to find another girl for dating. Still When date came closer I felt nervous and guilty, like cheating. Really felt bad and realised Im not even interested in this new girl, so I told her that I dont feel ready to meet cause there a girl Im chatting with for a month. She understood and wished me luck. Still I felt like I let her down. Anyway man it seems like I will have to look for new girl anyway cause old girl said she dont know if she likes me cause Im diferent in person than chatting. SO yeah I like her but she dont even know if she likes me. Still it seemed like she does like me last time I went to her work. She was so beautiful and I couldnt say much. Im much more talkative online.

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, I think you really do need to decide what you want from her/this relationship. If you do that, and realize that what you want from her is not something she's willing to provide, then it is best to move on. You seem to go back and forth, but you can't do that if you want to keep somebody in your life. At one point, you are saying you don't think you two are right for each other.... but you want to keep her as a friend. But, then at another point you are trying to make out/have sex with her. You can't have it both ways. At least not if she's not interested in that. I mean, if she was fine being "friends with benefits" then that would be fine.

But, if not, then you need to decide if you want to be just friends with her, or if you want more than that. Either way, if whatever you decide is not something she wants, then it is best you move on and find somebody else. Good luck to you either way. I hope this works out for you in whatever way turns out to be for the best.

[pcmaster]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION]

Well man we spoke on skype yesterday for a short time. It was not like when we spoke first time - she was peacful and so. But this time she was real monster - so energetic and confident(I told her before we talked that she havent had sex for a long time - she had all the signs. And she said that everyone says that). I realized we have nothing in common, we are so diferent, I can handle/tame her, Im afraid of her shes not the girl for me. Still I dont want to let her go. I like her more than friend I want something to happen, want to get more serious. Im not changing my mind. Not going back and forth, always liked her. Also dont want to be FWB, simply because I cant do that, have too much feelings. This girl is rare and one of the kind. yeah they all seem special but really this girl is one of those that dating couches call 5% girls - very welcoming and talkative she was on a first date. Most girls are passive and just listens to guy. But I had nothing to say and she was filling up the silence and never shut up.
Really not sure if it can work out with other girls since Im so quiet and shy. ALso she chatted a lot and wheter there was longer break in chat she made me chat more. The last girl was kinda silent while chatting and It felt like I write more than her.
Just want to make this work. Want to prove her that I improved since last date cause I been working on myself.

Basicaly closest thing I want now is another date with her, another opportunity to hang out with her.

[TheEvilJester]

Believe me, I know from experience how you must be feeling. When somebody catches your attention it can be hard not to want to look past anything that may make them seem the wrong match because you just want to be with somebody. But, you say you two have nothing in common. How is that ever going to amount to any kind of relationship? From what you've described, it sounds like she could definitely make a great friend for you.... but it doesn't sound like you two would be right for a relationship. I mean, don't get me wrong, she doesn't have to basically be a girl version of you. You two should have different interests as well. But, you should at least have things in common.

Heck, though, sometimes opposites DO attract, so it is entirely possible I could be wrong in this instance. It's just, again, some of the differences you mention don't sound like minor things. Again, like her wanting kids and you not. Believe me, I understand how hopeless it can seem sometimes, but there IS somebody out there who is right for you. Don't get yourself stuck on somebody who isn't. And, hey, maybe she IS that person. It's not like I would know. I'm just saying, don't get stuck on somebody if it seems the two of you are not the right match.

Again, good luck to you either way.

[pcmaster]

Thanks [MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION]. Its really seems like Im just clinging to her despite everything. She seems like tuf girl and hard to impress, but I seen a little of her soft side and want to see and touch more of that side. Basically I want get to her want to how do you say it conquer her before I leave her alone.
I just want to score a point before I leave lol. Not necessary sex but at least one more date or a something more serious.

[chrishappy]

Hi!
For so many years I have been alone. I could not find the love of my life. My friend gave me advice to try the dating site. I could not believe something good can happen out of this. But I decided to try any way. I have nothing to lose.
I signed up a couple of sites, but to be honest I’m so happy I have joined victoriyaclub. I am so thankful to them. I have found my woman there. And now I am the happiest man in the Earth!
By the way comparing to another websites this one is not expensive. And there are so many nice ladies You can talk to in chat or even in videochat. So You can see the girls live.
So if you are still single and alone, don’t waste your time and go to victoriyaclub. And you will not regret it!

[pcmaster]

So in the end its not me who is longing to be loved. Girl been texting me lately that she wants kisses caressing and touches, she says she wants tenderness. Yesterday she texted me and wanted me to go to her house after midnight - we both ended work at midnight that day. I was like scared, it would be big jump for me. First because I never been to her place and second because I feel relaxed when messaging with her but in person its harder to relax. Also I would have to man up a lot and be a man. Never really touched a girl except 5 years ago was rubbing my leg against other girls leg in a car. So yeah it would be something new for me to make out with a girl in bed.

Can someone help me? How can I go from a guy whos afraid of idea spending time with girl at her place to a confident relaxed guy who can make out with a girl easy?
How about you [MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] You have a lot of experience with girls.

[TheEvilJester]

Um... who ever said I have a lot of experience with girls? You do realize you are talking to the guy who has given up on any hope that he will ever find love, do you not? The guy who has lived his life feeling like he has such love to give....but that he will never get the chance to share it with somebody. The guy who once thought he'd found the right one only for it to slowly turn into Hell?

I will say this, though.... I of all people definitely know how you feel. I am so frigging shy. So, I get that anxiety of not knowing how to handle actually asking women out/dating women/what do in a relationship/romantic setting.

Really, I know this just sounds like a greeting card answer.... but the only way to get better is with practice. If you've never really done anything like that with a gal before, then of course you are going to be a little nervous at first. Just do your best and with some experience it will become less and less anxiety-inducing. I mean, love and the search for it is pretty much always anxiety-inducing. For as long as you are dating people, that won't ever go away. It gets easier and you learn to better handle it, but it never goes away. At least not until you finally find somebody who can be the right one for you and start to get serious. And I say "somebody who can be the right one for you" because there isn't only one person in the world who can be your "right one." Many people could. I don't say that to belittle the idea of true love. Not at all. I'm just saying that there isn't just one person in the world who could be right for each individual, and if you miss out on them you are screwed. If you miss out on somebody, then it wasn't meant to be with them, and there are still others out there with whom you could find something real.

[pcmaster]

Well man problem solved. I went to girls work today then she cooked me amazing pizza - she put so much ham on it. I had a beer and she ended her shift and we walked to her home. Then we drinked tea lol. And watched Avatar. It sucked - we sat so far from each other. Then she went to toilet to refresh and when walked back she kissed me. A lot. First kisses was awkward from me but she was good. Think I learned fast. Then again watched a move and I sat closer to her. Then kissed again and we made out a lot. Spooning, carresing hugging, she slept on my chest, she even got in my pants and I was like - you said we wont do anything - and she said - we are not doing anything. So I went for her pussy and I said - we are not doing anything. But she removed my hand but it seemed like shes wet lol while I wasnt even hard. Despite that I went hard first time she kissed me and at the end when movie ended I said I will go home, she sat on me with her full weight and kissed - thats when I went really hard, then she rolled over on her back and pulled me on her. I kissed for a little while and lost interest and I said - I will go now. She was like smiling whole time and I lifted her up - this time properly. And we kissed at the door.
Cool it was and we texted while I was going home(Like more than hour walk). She said that she will try to be awake and told me to report to her when I get home. So I did.

Jeez it was amazing. She really took things in her hands and it really helped to progress faster. Now I proved wrong all those who said I will be alone forever. I believed in myself and now believe even more that I can have a GF and a happy life.
I thank you all who supported me. Thanks Jester. If I can do it, you can do it too.
You become great as your dominant aspiration or small as your controlling desire. This love helped me heal and I looked forward to this day. In this one night I did more new sensual and intimate things with a girl that I did ever in my life. Amazing things are out there.

[pcmaster]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] dont let the past dictate. Find a girl you want to give it a try to start new life. You need positive experiences with girls just like I did. You been helping a lot on forum now its time to ask for help yourself. Create a topic and start to recieve. You dont have top be alone in this, teamwork. You talk so much about your past on forums that it seems you are stuck in it. But its time to let go and move on stop thinking about it. Or at least let future hopes and dreams take over.

[pcmaster]

Cmon people I been on this forum foe years and helping thousands. Why cant you chum in and help Jester? Now its time when I ask for your love and opinions.
How about my friends [MENTION=78654]dollhouse[/MENTION] [MENTION=70896]Exeter19[/MENTION] [MENTION=77017]lovebroken[/MENTION] [MENTION=79987]megvoh[/MENTION] [MENTION=66459]michelle23[/MENTION] [MENTION=81349]topazlight[/MENTION] can you care to post in my topic?

[lovebroken]

Um, I answered on your broken hearts thread, pcmaster. This thread is about getting a new girl? or already having found a new girl? What questions did you need answered? Or what help did you need?

Let me know what you need help with on this specific thread. I'll be back on maybe this Tuesday.

[pcmaster]

This is completly new topic. Now its about girl I already found. If you read my lasts posts here then I want your opinion - comments on it.

[TheEvilJester]

You talk so much about your past on forums that it seems you are stuck in it. But its time to let go and move on stop thinking about it. Or at least let future hopes and dreams take over.

You've said that before. You do realize this is a love forum, do you not? Where people are often going to be coming looking for advice on love that has gone or seems to be going wrong? So, can you not see how often times those of us who have had heartache in the past might find it relevant to the topic?

I cannot stress more how my past issues are exactly that.... PAST ISSUES. That isn't to say I don't have plenty of present issues, believe me. LOL! I DO believe in getting over your past, but I DO NOT believe in forgetting it. I think that can be very foolish if you allow yourself to forget things from your past, good or bad, that helped to form you into the person you are today.

I may talk often about my past, but it is only because A) it is relevant to whatever topic happens to have come up and B) I wear that past like a badge of honor. I am proud of myself for surviving everything I have and for only coming out of it even stronger for it. Believe me, I don't dwell daily on my past pain, but I don't hide from it either. So, if I feel like it is relevant to a certain topic, and I feel like my past could possibly help somebody else, I am not afraid to revisit it.

Don't get me wrong, though, pc. I know your heart is in the right place on this one. I know you only mean the best for me, and I truly do appreciate that you care. And, it's hard to explain. I've given up that there is any hope of true love for me..... and I haven't. Doesn't make sense, right? Well that's because frankly, I don't make sense. LOL!

I've given up on believing it will ever happen for me, but that doesn't mean I've closed myself off to it. If the opportunity ever arose to actually find somebody, I wouldn't actively avoid it. I am just done allowing it to hurt me. I've lived my whole life feeling like I have such love to give.... feeling like that is one of my callings in life.... but feeling like it would never happen for me. Feeling like it was always out of my grasp. I am so exhausted from that. I'm done letting it hurt me. So, yes, I'd love to be proven wrong..... but since it seems that will never happen I find it is at least better to accept it. To be happy even despite my dark fate. It's a daily struggle, but one I am willing to fight, because it seems I have no option.

Anyway, you brought it up. I didn't mean to go on and on, but you asked. This isn't my thread, though, so back to you now....

I am so happy for you that this seems to be going well! I hope it continues to do just that. You rock! Good luck to you, friend! For now, just let things go at whatever pace feels comfortable to you both and enjoy the relationship.