Conflicted messages from co-worker

[Simone9899]

Hi,

I am a 36 year old female. I am married but the marriage is not working out and we are heading for a divorce.

For the last month I have been chatting through an office chat system with a co-worker. I've known him for a long time but about a month ago I started noticing him differently.

For at least a full week he was definitely flirting with me. He would says things like 'you walk loudly' (as a joke) and I would reply 'I don't walk loudly but you are just listening hyper sensitively if I'm coming your way'. He would reply with a shy smiley saying that was actually true.
He would also act very clumsy around me and say he doesn't know how to behave himself when near me.

We chatted all day long even about some very personal topics. After a week we exchanged phone numbers and we sent some messages through whatsapp. He always replied within minutes of me sending something.

The first week maybe 2 it was a very mutual flirt. After that it seemed he maybe took a step back a little bit, but still flirting.

What I said above is flirting right? Or am I mistaken? When talking about me and my pending divorce he also said that I needed a man to lead me in my life. The days and weeks after he would keep hinting that he was that kind of man.

He also gave me a ride to work 2 times in his car. Even though he didn't have to.

He caught me staring at him last week and called me on it. I asked him if this bothered him and he said he would tell me if it did (so it apparently didn't).

I hinted on dating but he never really replied or set a date.

Yesterday morning I subtly let him know where I was going to be saturday night. I asked him if he had plans and he said he was going out to drink beers.

I asked him when he was going to drink a beer with me but he never responded. So I thought that was it. He was not interested.

But then, last night, he showed up (with a friend) at where I was spending my evening. This can hardly be a coincidence can it? It was a casino. There is only one in my (large) city so there was no way he could have avoided seeing me.

We had a great night and I stood really close to him, he didn't pull back.


He went home with his friend (they drove together) and I went home seperatly. I then (felt brave) texted him if he wanted a good-night drink.

He replied that that would not be wise. I pushed and pushed (which I am now very ashmed of) and finally asked him: 'If I were single, would you go out on a date with him"

He then replied that I'm a very sweet girl but 1. He has someone in his live he cares about 2. he doesn't shit where he eats (meaning he doesn t date at work).

I was just shocked. I was convinced he was single. We talked about me being single again soon and how I really looked forward too it. And he said things like 'its not fun to be alone at christmas' . I was fishing for info on his relationship status for many times, but he never said "i'm taken".


Now I 'm just very confused:

1. Did he flirt with me or was I just imagining things?

2. Was it just a coincidence that he showed up last night? (I think not)

3. If it was not a coincidence; why did he come If he already knew he wasn't going to follow through?

4. Does he have a girlfriend or is he just blowing me off?

5. Did he maybe meet someone around the time 2 weeks ago he took a step back?


I can accept it if he really is in a relationship and will of course leave him alone now. We work together so it cannot get any more ackward than it already is.

But I just have this feeling that there is more to this. I really felt we connected at a deeper level.

Did I imagine everything? Or does he like me back but doesn't want to do anything because he is involved or because he thinks he might be causing me to get divorce and doesn't want that to be his fault?

Please advice me because Iḿ going nuts.

This morning I texted him apologizing for my texts and said it wont happen again. Also said I really had no clue he was involved.

[S0NofHAM]

Hi,
30 y.o. male, recently heartbroken, crying every day for 3 weeks, so I feel in touch with my emotions, and thus qualified to talk about love.
Everyone has different preferences in life. I would recommend finalizing the divorce before moving forward with any guy. You may consider moving forward with a guy to help you move on, and you may be impatient and not want to wait for the divorce, but trust me: wait.

I've never been married, and I've never cheated on a girlfriend, but my last relationship ended 3 weeks ago with a woman I loved a lot. 12 days later, I had sex with someone I wasn't even attracted to, just to have sex and try to force myself to move on (I hated crying and pining every night, and wanted to accelerate my healing process). Did it work? Hell no. I feel like shit about it, and it almost feels like cheating, even though it wasn't cheating. It tears me apart. So I think you should be patient before entertaining the prospect of a new man when you are still involved with another man, even if the spark and romance is gone.

Your coworker was obviously interested in you. The flirting is undeniable. However, guys can be fickle sometimes, and we can 'balk' or change our minds at the last minute. About 5 years ago, for instance, I had went on two dates with a girl whom I wasn't very attracted to (I'm kind of an idiot), and then sex was going to happen, and I was going to take part, until she told me she was a virgin and wanted a boyfriend. I didn't want to be her bf, so I told her I wasn't looking for a gf, and I kissed her forehead and said goodnight, and slept in a separate bed. I'm glad I didn't **** her and break her heart needlessly... in fact, even after just two dates and kissing/fondling only, she was kind of heartbroken after.

The moral of the story is that I was going to **** her, but changed my mind. I'm fickle sometimes, and guys can be. So your coworker probably had intentions at some point to be intimate in some way, emotionally or physically, with you, and he probably balked. His reasoning that he is attached to someone and/or your ongoing divorce may have contributed to his decision to balk. It's probably a good sign, meaning that he cares more about your well-being that getting into your pants. You should be flattered, and keep him in mind after you finalize your divorce. Once you tell him the divorce is finalized, he'll probably either be all over you, or go back to his other significant other.

Keep in mind three things:
1. Someone in his life he cares about: that may or may not be a gf/wife. That could just mean that he has a crush, or is still pining over a breakup (like me, going on 3 weeks). Thus, he may be available (you should just muster up the courage to explicitly ask about his romantic life).
2. Generally, ppl don't like to shit where they eat, but, if there is really strong passion, then love conquers all.
3. Be true to yourself, and find a man who is loving and honest. If a man says, no I can't do this or I'm not ready, that is a good sign that he is honest, because a similar man in his shoes may have cheated on his gf to be with you. If a man is not honest, then he is certainly not honorable.

[Simone9899]

Thank You for sharing your insights. That makes me feel a little better.

My marriage has been over for a while now. At leest emotionally it feels like that and I am ready for new serious love or at leest dating.

I will let him be and will not contact him again unless of course work related.
If he likes me I'm sure he will eventually reach out again.

The one thing that keeps bugging me is why he showed up last night.
I was 100% sure it was not a coincidence but now starting to second guess everything.

Good Luck with getting over your break-up. That's always tough

[S0NofHAM]

I will let him be and will not contact him again unless of course work related.
If he likes me I'm sure he will eventually reach out again.

The one thing that keeps bugging me is why he showed up last night.
I was 100% sure it was not a coincidence but now starting to second guess everything.

Good Luck with getting over your break-up. That's always tough

Why will you let him be? You think he's decided that he doesn't want you? Did you tell him that your marriage has been over for a while and you are over your ex?

You say that you're 100% sure that it wasn't a coincidence that he showed up at the bar...
We know he definitely flirted with you and he definitely showed up at that bar to see *you,* the only question is, why did he balk? You might think he balked because he's not very attracted to you, but you don't know that for sure. Maybe he's very attracted to you, and maybe he needed to work out something else first before going forward with you.

My advice would be to confront him, and ask him exactly what he meant by he has someone else that he cares about. Ask him to tell you the story. After hearing the story, maybe then you should decide whether you want to pursue him or let him be.

[Simone9899]

Problem is he is very private and wont Share anything about this stuff. Only every once in a while he shares.
I was pretty direct yesterday and dont feel comfortable pushing any more since we do have to work together.

Heb knows I'm wanting a divorce and that my husband is all wrong for me. Hé keeps encouraging me to stand up for myself.

I really believed he liked me, but I also really feel that last night he blew me off. Do you think If I just give him some space he will maybe miss me and realise what he is missing out on?

I think it is pretty vague saying you have someone in your life you care about. Why not just say I'm involved? I almost feel like maybe he just met this person or even that he made it up to make me feel better.

Or that's just what I wish for... :-(

Guys dont like to be pursued do they?

[S0NofHAM]

Problem is he is very private and wont Share anything about this stuff. Only every once in a while he shares.

Do you think If I just give him some space he will maybe miss me and realise what he is missing out on?

Guys dont like to be pursued do they?

Well, see if he wants to get coffee. Just ask for coffee after work. If he says No, then that speaks volumes and means he really isn't interested in you. If he says Yes, then over coffee (or tea, or beer, or whatever), make small talk, and slowly nudge your way into asking about what he mean by saying that he has someone in his life whom he cares about. If that scares him away and he runs out of the coffee shop, so be it. He just might be waiting for someone to ask him about his life and show him they really care about him...

Who gives a **** if he's a coworker... sure, don't shit where you eat, but if you really like or love a coworker, go for it. If you ask him to coffee and he says yes, then take a chance. If he says no, then just stop the embarrassment right there, and stop pursuing him and move forward, and it shouldn't ruin the office atmosphere too much.

Guys like to be pursued too, but not too aggressively. Sometimes it's a turn on, and sometimes a turn off. If you pursue a guy too much he'll see you as a stalker and freak out. What you should simply do is be open and honest. Playing games can ruin everything (well, being honest can ruin everything too. Anything can ruin everything, and love is tricky, so I figure just be an open book, be honest, pour your heart out, and let whatever happens, happen).

[Simone9899]

Actually last night I asked for her name or even his name. Hé just said he wouldnt talk about his private life.

I know he had a girlfriend before and he makes some gay unfriendly comments so I'm assuming it's a girl. But when I said what's her name he said 'her? ' and then shut down again.

He purposefully keeps things vague and confusing.

Do you really believe he was flirting? And came to see me?

It was at the casino. There is only one in town. Hé could know id be there cause I told him unless he forgot. Also the friend he came with said it wasnt planned but suggested by the guy I like.

[S0NofHAM]

Okay,

He definitely flirted with you. He talked with you a lot, sent you emojis, you exchanged phone numbers, and he showed up at the casino the same night after you mentioned you were going. It's basically 100% confirmed that he flirted with you. The question is, does he like you? It's possible he was flirting with you and is not quite sure yet of his intentions. Also, your marriage might be bothering him.

I'd recommend that if you really intend to divorce your husband, then hurry up that process and finalize it and both sign your divorce papers (serve him if he refuses to sign). You need to move on with your life, and officially divorcing your husband would be the first step.

Since he seems to shut you down when you ask about 'her,' that implies that he has been either hurting or cheating. If he were madly in love with some girl, he'd simply say: "I'm madly in love with this girl named Rebecca!" However, for him to shut you down like that, it implies that either he's a cheater and he's dabbling with other women, even though he already has a commitment *or* he is heartbroken or hurting somehow, and he doesn't want to talk about his personal life because it is too embarrassing or painful (maybe he's been fighting for a lost love like me, or maybe he ****ed up and he's too embarrassed to share the details).

Just let your heart guide you. I think that if you really love someone, then you won't be able to keep your hands off him or stop talking to him, so your obsession with him will either cause him to run away or fall in love with you back. If you have an infatuation with someone, but it isn't love, then by all means, pursue the infatuation, because it wont be nearly as painful if you lose him than if you loved him.

Basically, we're all gonna die soon. Are you afraid of death? You should be, because it's the end. So before the end comes, don't be afraid to ask a guy out or to pour your heart out to someone. Don't live in fear of rejection. Be courageous, let yourself get hurt, feel the pain, because it's part of life, and keep looking for someone who can love you as much as you love him.

Why are you obsessing over your coworker? Is it love? Is it simply lust or passion? Is it intrigue? Whatever it is, there's some reason that he is occupying your thoughts. Don't play games, and don't be afraid of him to run away for you opening yourself up to him. Let them run.

[Simone9899]

Thanks so much for all your advice. It means a lot to me! I actually almost died a few years ago. That's what's made me courageous enough to even ask him If he would date me in the first place.
I don't know how exactely I feel about him yet, but I somehow feel a strong connection to him. It could be something special.

I'll see him tomorrow at work. A bit anxious about that but we'll see...

[S0NofHAM]

Good luck!

[Simone9899]

Just a quick update.

Went to work today, we exchanged a few glances, or at least I thought we did. Caught him looking at me a couple of times. But of course that could also be because he feels akward about my messages.

Today I also found out that he apparently has had a couple of flings at work. Couldn't find out any details and I'm pretty sure they weren't from the last few months. The girl he dated long-term a few years ago also worked here.
That might be why he doesn't want to get involved at work. On the other hand, it might also mean he definitely does NOT like me since he apparently has flings with other people at work.

On the other hand, I am more and more starting to think that maybe he is just a player. Although it definitely felt different to me. Very confused right now.

But at least things were not too ackward today.

[SOPHIA2002]

I will advice you to focus on yourself, even though you are having feelings for him just pretend you are not and make yourself scarce to him, he will come for you if he need you.

[Simone9899]

I will advice you to focus on yourself, even though you are having feelings for him just pretend you are not and make yourself scarce to him, he will come for you if he need you.

I think that is good advice Sophia thank you.

I totally tried to do that yesterday and today, but already failed. Yesterday was okay apart from us sometimes catching each others eye.

Today we had to work on a project together for 2 hours, which made it so much more difficult. He sometimes just looks me in the eyes for a long period, makes suggestive jokes and even touched my arm which he'd not done before.

So stupidly enough I felt 'compelled' to again ask him for more info on his relationship but again there was only the 'my private life is private' reply.

I almost feel like there is nothing to tell, and he doesnt want me to know there is nobody. Everyone in the office is convinced he is single.
I guess he is just blowing me off. But please let him stop flirting and replying to my whatsapp messages within a few minutes.

I will try not to contact him again. Maybe I should join a 12-step program ;-)

[Simone9899]

Hi guys,

I need your advice again so I'm just updating my topic in the hope that someone will reply :-)

I stopped texting and chatting with him at work. He didn't initiate any contact so it seemed pretty obvious I was the one doing all the contacting.

But I noticed he kept looking / glancing at me during the work day. Sometimes we had eye contact and smiled at each other. Made me wonder....

Then I went to work in my new dress, which is a different outfit from what I usually wear but it was a very suitable for work dress.

I saw him that morning at the coffee station and he immediately said 'you look sexy again today'. Which of course made my day. I'm assuming this is not something you say to a co-worker when you don't mean to flirt with them.
At least I would never say such a thing at work to anybody.

We took a couple of smoke breaks together that day and starting using the office chat again all day. Then after work I was sending him some messages on whatsapp and he continued to reply within 5 - 20 minutes untill I went to bed at 11pm.

Men don't whatsapp with girls they don't like do they?

So what should I take from all of this. Obviously I have feelings for this guy.

I thought he was feeling the same thing because he was flirting with my and showed up at the casino that night.

But then he said he had someone else in his life that he cared about and that was it for me. Although I am still wondering if there really is such a person, because he won't share her name and everybody at the office thinks he is single.

And now the flirting has started again and he called me sexy.

Should I take this as a sign or is he just a jerk who likes it when he gets all of this attention?