Insecurity or Pushing Buttons?

[skeeziix]

My boyfriend seems to be playing mind games with me but he shifts the blame back onto me saying I am insecure and jealous, now I feel crazy. I have admitted to having trust issues; I feel like I’ve handed him a weapon to use my insecurities against me. Almost every other weekend he has been out of town which I have never once complained about. At these times he will not answer a simple text for literally 6 to 8 hours when I know for a fact he is always on his phone; I don't need constant contact but it feels like he purposely ignores me. I was with him fishing and the whole time he could answer his phone and texts for everyone else in the world. Understand, I am not one of those girls who gets all needy and texts a million times, I am one text and then I will wait for a reply. He habitually doesn’t answer my call if I contact him first but then he calls me back 30 minutes later. I feel like it is a blatant disregard because I am his "girlfriend" so he gets to treat me different like a ploy trying to get a reaction out of me. It has gotten to the point where I no longer initiate any texts or calls, he has to contact me. Whenever we go out into public he will stare at other women and lose all concentration if I try to have a conversation at these moments it’s like he can't think because he is so preoccupied by these other women. When I try to put my hand on his knee in public he pushes it away and says "I am too ticklish". He makes constant references to ex-girlfriends and how attractive other women are he thinks I am too sensitive if I say I am not interested in the conversation I realize he has a past but it happens a lot. He's made references to how he is attracted to brunettes and that I should try changing my hair color. One time he started talking about a date he had at the very same restaurant we were at; I was like now all I can think about is you on another date. He met one of my girlfriends and was overtly nice to her to the point I felt I was being ignored and couldn't even be a part of their conversation, when she left he literally did a curtsy and said "It was such a pleasure meeting you". We went to a rodeo and he insisted we move seats so we moved but he wanted to sit right next to these two attractive women and initiated conversation right away and was joking around; there was plenty of other seats but we had to sit right there next to them? I feel this was extremely odd because normally you don't just sit right next to someone you put an empty seat in the middle as a buffer especially when there are plenty of extra seats. That day I was extra sensitive because I had to put my dog down so I had been crying and didn’t feel extra receptive to sitting by stranger’s male or female. When I told him I wanted to move he said let’s leave. I told him how I felt he was being insensitive to my feelings but he deflects everything back to me and says I am just insecure and jealous and that basically I need to deal with it on my own then he gets defensive and wants to storm out. He tells his sister every negative thing about our relationship and I haven’t even met his family yet, she came to town and wanted me to meet her but then he said “but she hates you” I was like well that is nice who even says that so the whole while I met her I felt insecure he didn’t once show me a sign of affection and acted completely distant and reserved then got super pissed about other people at the restaurant and ruined the whole night. I feel like he intentionally pushes my buttons and tries to trigger an emotional response because he is insecure and emotionally immature that he actually gets reassurance from my negative reactions due to his inappropriate behavior. Maybe I am more contentious but I don’t go out of my way to flirt in front of my boyfriend, stare at other guys, or involve my family so they have preconceived notions. I told him I needed a break from him and am pretty sure I need to make it permanent I am just curious if I am the one who is being crazy. It’s like he wants me to be insecure and needy so he feels better about himself so he acts inappropriate.

[Curlywurly]

You are worth more than a man who looks at other women, flirts with other women, slags you off to his family and ignores your tests and calls... get rid of him sweet. Every girl deserves a man who treats her in a respectful, loving manner. He sounds like a total dick. When you meet someone who is worthy of you, you will soon realise what an awful boyfriend he was in the first place. I don't think you're insecure, he is giving you every reason to be doubtful of him. Good luck lovely. Xx

[dontaskme]

He's not trying to push your buttons because he is insecure. Your boyfriend is genuinely a jack ass. I don't even know why you tolerate his behavior which shows total disrespect towards you.

I guess if you don't respect yourself enough, don't expect others to respect you

[TheEvilJester]

Good lord, NO you are not being crazy AT ALL. I am SO glad that you took a break from him and SO glad that you are already feeling like you need to make it permanent. My God, from the details you've shared.... I don't even know this guy and I want to punch him in the face repeatedly until I get tired. I would nearly KILL to have somebody special in my life.... and this is how this a-hole treats somebody when he does?!

As if every single word you said didn't make me hate this guy enough already.... the killer for me was that he continued this kind of disrespectful bull$h*t even on a day when you REALLY needed him because of the situation with your dog. (Side note: I am so sorry to hear about that, by the way. I LOVE animals, so I understand how devastating it can be when you lose a pet.) This guy is a jerk. You deserve better. Jesus, I don't think you could do much worse.

So, no you are NOT crazy. (And, I AM pretty crazy, so I should know. LOL!) You are most definitely right to take a break, and I could not possibly agree more that you should make that break permanent.

If you try, it would not surprise me if he tries to act all sweet and Mr. Perfect and act like he's going to change. PLEASE do not buy that crap for a second. People like that never change. If you did take him back, he'd probably PLAY Mr. Perfect for a while... the just go back to being the Grade A piece of crap he is. Don't waste your time. You deserve SO MUCH better. Good luck!

[skeeziix]

I do not want to tolerate his behavior that is why I am seeking advice... Sometimes when you love someone you try to understand their motives before tossing in the towel. You don't always see someone for who they are until you are emotionally invested unfortunately. In the beginning of our relationship he was a totally different person, I believe he has ego issues and is emotionally immature. It really comes down to him trying to keep and maintain a distance, in an attempt to protect himself and also negatively produce emotions that help him feel empowered. I know he loves me but he just doesn't know how to be in a mutual relationship without games and testing. When he makes me feel needy it makes him feel he has the upper-hand, and in some sick way I feel that it kind of worked to keep me strung along, but emotionally strung out. It's over now. I guess the last straw is his inability for any culpability and understanding that by involving so many external forces into our relationship that he has ultimately pushed me out. Apparently, he's gone so far as to tell people he works with whom he barely knows that things are not good so they have been trying to set him up on dates. I told him I think that would be good for him to go on dates if that is what is going to make him happy. I can take one thing away is that I learned a lot about myself.

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Thank you TheEvilJester I really started to feel like I was being insecure. I am totally not like that I don't ever want to act needy or clingy because that is so unattractive.

I did some research on his type of love attachment style it is pretty interesting https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant/ I think he is borderline narcissistic so self-love is his defense. My cousin has the same issues to which she has struggled with the same exact type of behavior. i know he wants to be loved and in a relationship but his deep seeded insecurities make it hard to let anyone really see him for who he is so by making other people feel bad it helps him feel better. In the end it just ruins everything and confirms their beliefs that love is not to be trusted.

Here's the online quiz for Attachment Types http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl kind of interesting

[TheEvilJester]

It sounds to me like you really have a firm grasp on things. A great understanding of the situation now. I'm very proud of you for sticking to your guns and finally realizing enough is enough. I think you really did hit the nail on the head, though. When you love somebody, it can be REALLY hard not to try to rationalize to yourself. Almost like you are trying to convince yourself in your own head that they are a good person. The little voice in your head says "No, really... they are a good person. This is just one little issue... but everybody has their issues." The thing that little voice doesn't seem to realize is when that "one little issue" starts to become "twenty little issues" and/or that "one little issue" really isn't such a LITTLE issue after all.

For so many reasons, there is a part of you that doesn't want to give up on the hope that this person you thought was so good for you is really still in there. The truth it is hard to realize is that they never really WERE the person you want, they were just good at PRETENDING they were. I found that our the hard way myself, so I can really relate to how you feel.

I will say this, now that you've parted ways, at least he's made the decision really easy on you. Sometimes people like that will be all apologetic and pretend like they realize they were wrong and want to change. They do that just to get you back, but really have no intention of actually changing and don't really think they've done anything wrong. They blame everybody else in the world and will never accept blame for anything. If nothing else, at least be thankful for one little blessing.... he didn't do that. He's already skipped right to the part of acting like an @$$ like his own S don't stink and he can do no wrong.... so at least you get to see that you made the right decision rather than him only adding doubt/making you think maybe things could go back to being good.

Good luck to you. Some day you will find a great guy who truly does deserve you. If nothing else, your experience with Mr. A-hole will make you appreciate Mr. Right even more.

[skeeziix]

You are so right I deserve to be respected not manipulated. I did think he was a different person maybe in the first couple of months but then the red-flags started flying. I really wish I hadn't been emotionally invested by then. I believe he truly is a narcissist. He would lie and exaggerate stories about the stupidest crap, I've told him there is no one to impress here.

I guess the most fault lies in my ability to stick to knowing what is right and wrong and unacceptable. He did bounce back and forth, apologizing pretending he'd change. People don't change. I did learn that I have to trust my gut and follow my instincts. It is hard to love someone and just quit but some people just aren't worth your love and effort.

[TheEvilJester]

And, honestly, good for you for being the type of person who doesn't give up so easily. I'm the same way myself. Took me WAY too long to finally realize I just deserved better. There was part of me that would not stop being convinced that my ex WAS that person I wanted/the person I originally thought she was, and we just needed to get through XYZ issues to get back to that. The problem with people like that is there is always something. Even if you finally feel like you've gotten past something..... somehow they create some other problem and you are back to square one. You can't win with people like that.

I think you are awesome for being the kind of person who doesn't give up so easily. The thing folks like you and I just have to learn is when there needs to be a breaking point for that. Because, sometimes a relationship hits a rough patch, but it IS worth fighting to keep...... but sometimes it isn't worth fighting for and probably never was.

Heck, if nothing else, I think you and I both learned much better how to identify that through our bad experiences.

[Itsbiffybeach24]

He's totally playing games with you. He looks for a reaction from you every time that he looks at another woman. You need to move on and don't look back.