Heartbroken and should have known better

[thesillygirl]

Hi everyone,

Whatever kind of "relationship" I just had for the last year with a long distance man has ended. I saw the red flags the whole time and knew that it didn't feel like he was into it like me, but even so I am still heartbroken.

It was a series of mind games for the past year and I can't figure out why he would do this because there was no need to.

What have others done to get over a broken heart?

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Here are some quick details, I just want to feel better:

- we met a year ago at an event that we were both working at
- we text every single day
- we have had sex, but have never spoke on the phone
- he is very shy and introverted, but sometimes he got really close to me and said he missed me alot
- each time we get close to this becoming something more, he simply texts and says "I am not into this right now"
- I wouldn't be surprised if he was with someone else this whole time
- the first time he broke it off with me was after him messaging me all night the night before that he wishes he was with me
etc.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, time is what will most help you to get over this. Believe me, in time you will see you are much better off.

However, you know what else can help for the time being? Remembering all the reasons why he's NOT right for you. I mean, one day he's telling you all day how he misses you, how he wishes he was with you... then suddenly the very next day he's "just not into this." .....And he tells you this via a text message.

That is NOT the way a normal, mature human being handles things. That is the way an overgrown child who doesn't give a crap about anybody's feelings but his/her own handles things. Every time you two seem to have something going, he panics and back-pedals. It sounds like he has a huge fear of commitment, and if he doesn't get over that, he'll never have any real relationship. Furthermore, at some point, HIS lack of commitment needs to cease to be your problem. Because, if you are ready for something more but he refuses to ever give you that chance, then you deserve somebody who will.

Believe me, though, you are not stupid or foolish for having stuck with him for so long. You thought he could be somebody you could really love. Why would you not try to see where that would go? It can be hard to let that feeling go, so it wouldn't be fair of anybody to judge you for not realizing sooner that this pattern would just continue with him. The thing is, you seem to have some idea of what you want in a relationship.... and it doesn't sound like he is likely to ever provide that. If he's not, then the more you stick with him, the more you hold yourself back from finding somebody who could be exactly what you want.

Good luck!

[thesillygirl]

Thanks for replying! I know you are right and I really hope I can get rid of this feeling soon because it really sucks.

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Deep down I knew better all along, and of course, my friends and momma warned me as well.

[melancholia]

I've been there before and it does suck, but the best way to move on is to cut contact with him and start focusing on your own things. Surround yourself with people and activities that will keep you busy and distracted from the heartbreak you are feeling right now. It will fade over time, but you need to be proactive and start putting energy into positive things if you want to move on quickly.

Take this advice from me, because after three years of choosing guys who weren't ready for an actual relationship, this is what I have learned:

1. If a guy is interested in actually dating you, you will know. He will say it with his words, and back those words up with actions to validate what he says;
2. It's important to know what you want from a relationship and not to tolerate anything less than that. If you start dating a guy who will only text you late at night, or only wants to see you once a month, then you need to cut ties with him early. The earlier you realize someone isn't capable of fulfilling your relationship needs, the less painful it is to end things.

[thesillygirl]

Thank you so much! You are absolutely right. He rarely to never treated me or this as something special, but of course I made excuses for him. He is EXTREMELY introverted and I tried to convince myself he is shy and hasn't been with many women, which is why he was acting that way. I know that that's not the case, but the things we try to believe for love.

[melancholia]

You will know it's right when you don't need to try to alter your own personality or behavior to be more appealing to them, or want to alter theirs or make excuses for them.

Best of luck to you! I think you will be just fine and you will find a new man who will treat you right and want the same things you do from a relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

Just to put things in perspective a little bit...

I am extremely shy and I am very introverted....

But if I actually manage to get so far as dating a girl, I work to get over that and become more comfortable with her, and I make it a point to make her a priority. I mean, if I am dating a gal and I like her, I want to see her as often as I can. Not that I'll be obsessively stalking her, of course. LOL! But, I want to spend time with her as often as we can. So, yeah, him being "shy" or "introverted" is certainly no excuse for him basically not treating you like a priority at all.

And again, if you two had agreed to just a casual relationship where you weren't really boyfriend/girlfriend and you just kind of saw each other/hung out whenever, then that is perfectly fine. But, you obviously want something more serious, and it seems equally obvious that is never going to happen with him. So, yeah, you are much better off without him. Agreed with melancholia on spending time with friends/family, or hobbies, or whatever you can do that makes you happy. In time, he'll be nothing but a distant memory, and you'll meet somebody who will make him even less that that.

[BonnieW7]

Talk to other people, build your confidence. Practice, practice, practice. That’s the key to everything, dating included. Practice talking to another human being, online, over the phone, in person, whenever – just do it. Hey, it worked for me on a local chat site like newyork.partyline.com I'm always chatting there.

[Medina]

Move on from the memories you're living with. Start spending time with your friends and don't remember about your past. Time will heal your broken heart.

[thesillygirl]

Thank you everyone for all of your help.

Like clockwork, he is talking to me again, missing me and sorry etc. But based on before, it's just a matter of time before the "I'm not into it anymore" text.

I am trying hard to not get involved in this again.

[TheEvilJester]

It may be hard, because there is maybe still part of you that wants to believe him.... But you've already seen how that works time and time again with him. Don't fall for it again. If he's not ready for a serious relationship, that is perfectly fine, but let him go find somebody who is also not looking for that.

You want something more, and that is never going to happen with him. Good luck to you. I know it is hard now, but in time it will get easier and easier. Then, soon enough, you'll find a guy who is everything you want and actually DOES appreciate you the way you deserve. This guy obviously doesn't.

[thesillygirl]

Thanks everyone for the help. Just as I knew, he was really sweet to me for a week. Talked about his hopes and dreams, all of which included me. And now, he's gone.

I knew it was coming, but it still hurts a lot. I just want to stop feeling bad. I also kind of want to tell him off for constantly treating me this way. I am just lost.