Should I stand by my girlfriend if she wants me to loose a friend?

[ironpony]

I discussed some relationship problems with a couple of close friends, to use them as a sounding board, but my gf says I made her look bad and now my friends do not think highly of her anymore. She says that I discussed matters that were not their business and have overstepped their boundaries.

But I was wondering, is it really so wrong to do that? I mean if you cannot get opinions and assessment from friends, where can you get advice from? I mean there are people on online forums too and that's good, but is getting friends opinions who know me and the situation, really inappropriate or overstepping boundaries, when it comes to relationship social rules?

Basically I was having issues with my gf that I discussed with two of my closest friends. The issues I brought up before in this thread before:

http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/97767-girlfriend-refuses-sign-pre-nup-married.html?highlight=

One of the friends I talked about the issue with is the one friend from the one thread, the guy. The other is a friend I never mentioned in the previous threads. Just so there is no confusion.My gf read the text messages between and one of the close friends. The close friend said that my gf has manipulated me and our problems to her advantage and she doesn't really like my gf because of this. My gf told me that what my friend is saying is not true, and that I started some of the problems, and she says that it was wrong of me to discuss the problems with her.

So now my gf wants me to apologize to my friend for bringing up personal problems and making her look bad. The thing is, is if I apologize to my friend, my friend will know I am just doing it cause the gf is wanting me to, it will not come off as a real apology, but rather me doing so on her request and it will make me look foolish. She also wants me to defend her towards my friends, saying that if they choose to be my friends they have to think highly of her. She says that if I do not defend her towards, my friends, than she will to them. I asked a few people's opinions, online, but wanted some more. Either I stand by gf and stick up for her, and have her back and apologize to my friend, or I tell my gf that I am not apologizing for anything and that she made herself look bad. She also says that she has a problem with me these friends in the future possibly because of this.

But what is the most fair response in this case? Sorry for the long post. But thank you very much for reading and responding.

[TheEvilJester]

This is one where, in my personal opinion, there is no easy answer. In all honesty, if you ask me, you did not do anything wrong. I think most people talk to their closest friends and/or family sometimes about stuff like this. So, you didn't necessarily do anything wrong by talking over this with friends....

But... at the same time, I've always personally felt that is the sort of thing you shouldn't share with people who know you both. When you and your significant other are having issues/disagreements/arguments, I've always kind of personally felt that isn't anybody's business but the two of you. What has happened to you is exactly a good example of a big part of why I feel that way. You've shared this story with your friends. As a result, now your friends have a very negative image of your girlfriend, such to the point where one of them even said they don't like her after what they've heard.

....Now what if you two wind up working this out after all in a way that makes you both feel happy without feeling you've been cheated of anything? Now your friend is left with this negative image he has of her even though you two were able to come together as two adults and figure out how to make it work. For that and many reasons, I've always thought it was wrong when one party or the other b*tches about their partner to their friends and/or family when they had an argument. That sort of thing should stay between the two of them. In my personal opinion, unless things are really bad... everybody else in the world should think you are the two happiest people alive who never have any problems.

.....BUT

Your situation is also a little different. You aren't b*tching to your friends about random little spats with your gal. You are having serious doubts about what to do and are looking for loving advice from people who actually care about you and wouldn't want to see you make a mistake either way (whether the mistake would be leaving her or the mistake would be staying with her). So, it isn't quite as black and white as my personal general rule of thumb on this.

I do think you had more of a reason to talk to friends/family about this. The only thing I will say, and it is a little too late for this advice now, is just that you probably shouldn't have gone into great detail. Probably better just to give the basic highlights that you want the prenup but she is really dead-set against it. The point is just to get their thoughts and advice, so them knowing all the dirty details is probably not necessary.

So, I CAN understand how she feels.... but that doesn't change the fact that I still think she is overreacting in this case. She has a right to feel upset about it if that is how she feels. Not that I'm implying you did something for which she SHOULD be upset, I'm just saying I could understand how she could feel that way. Even so, you didn't necessarily do anything wrong by talking to your friends about this, so she sure as Heck shouldn't be telling you what to do as far as whether or not you can still be friends with them, or whether you have to go and basically back track now and try to "erase" everything you said about her. I mean, at this point they know the details and are going to think what they are going to think. What does she expect you to do? Say "Oh, guys, I'm sorry. I made all that up. She's a perfect angel. I was just bored."

Your friends dislike her after hearing your story because they care about you, not because they are malicious people who dislike your gal for no reason. IF you and her can work this out and do wind up staying together, then they will have to get over that, though. As long as they can do that, or at the very least can be polite and cordial to her, then it really is best just to let it be and in time they should hopefully see that their concerns about her were for nothing.

On the other hand, if you two don't work out and don't stay together.... then frankly who the Hell cares what they think of her? I guess the only thing I would say is maybe when your friend shared his feelings with you, at the time you should have said something sort of like "I understand how you feel, but I don't think she MEANS to be manipulative, this is just a really tough situation we are both in right now." I don't know if I'm explaining well, but hopefully you get my point. Basically, like sharing your complaints/problems with friends, but at the same time trying not to allow that to paint a bad image of your gal in case you two actually do work it out in the end.

Now, going forward what I would say is if they do or say anything against your gal, THAT is when you should defend her. Because, whatever they may think of her, if you and her DO wind up working this out and staying together, then that means you have decided as a responsible adult that this is the gal you love and want to be with. So, they do, at that point, need to understand and respect that and treat her with the respect you would hope they would you.

Kind of long-winded response, I know. Sorry. LOL! To sum it up, I'm basically saying, NO, you did not necessarily do anything wrong..... But at the same time I can understand how she feels in that situation. I also think that, NO, you shouldn't go back and defend her to your friends NOW after the conversation is already over, but YES if you and her work it out, you should share those details with the same friends and explain at that time that maybe she was just reacting out of a bad situation and they should give her the chance to prove their negative perception of her wrong.

Good luck to you either way.

On a side note, I remember your other thread. Has their been any progress at this point between you and her deciding what to do as far as the prenup argument?

[hazey daisy]

Just my experience, if you have relationship issues you should be communicating with your partner on these matters not your friends. You can jeopardize your relationship, because these things should be kept private. If my husband was discussing private things with my brother or his boss I would be very offended that he couldn't come to me to talk about it. In fact it would be very hurtful. I don't want people meddling in my business.

- - - Updated - - -

If you are having communication problems with your partner it's time to do your discussions in front of a couples counselor. If that doesn't work then it's time to cut the cord.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I was having difficulty communicating them with her, and it lead to fights, but I tried my best to communicate with her. That's why I turned to friend about it, to get outside opinions. I apologized to her about talking to friend and I promised that I will not do it again. She wants me to apologize to my friends, and defend her to my friends now, after reading through my phone, and reading their opinions, which were on my side and not hers.

But should I defend her to my friends, as well as apologize like she said? If I do, my friends will feel resented cause they just gave the opinion I asked for. What do you think?

[hazey daisy]

Say nothing any further on this matter with your friends. If they ask, just tell them you appreciate their advice and it has given you some insight to your dilemma. Delete those messages on your phone so your GF doesn't see them. Work on your relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with hazey. I don't think you should apologize to your friends. Exactly what you be apologizing for if you did? I also don't think you should go out of your way to defend her to them now. IF they so happen to bring it up, sure then maybe you do say a few words in her defense. Just, as an example, if they did happen to profess their dislike of her again, that may be a time just to say something like "I really appreciate that you care about me, but I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because this isn't necessarily an easy situation. Even though her and I disagree on this right now, I can understand how she is feeling. We are trying to work to a conclusion on which we can both agree. So, for now I just ask you to give her the same chance I am."

That's just off the top of my head, but that gives you some idea of what I might say if I were in your situation. Bottom line, though, it doesn't sound to me like your friends dislike her because they are rude people, or because they are negative people. They dislike her because you are their friend, they care about you, and they are worried that she's only bringing you hurt instead of the loving relationship they know you deserve. So, to act mad at them as though they shouldn't dislike her would be an insult to people who obviously care about you.

All the same, if you decide to try to make it work with her, and if you two actually DO find a way to make it work, then they do need to be happy for you. It is okay for them to have concerns for you, but at the end of the day you are a responsible adult who has to decide what is best for himself.

So, in summary, no I don't think you should go back and apologize/defend her to your friends for the conversations that ALREADY happened. But, if it does come up again, just explain things as diplomatically as you can then. As for your gal, I wouldn't just outright say to her "no, I'm not going to do that" because that would just make her further upset. Just make it clear that you will make an effort not to talk to friends about this kind of stuff again, but that if you do you will make an extra effort to present both sides of the argument fairly.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I was going to go on a three day vacation to visit the same friend in a city that is about six hours away. Before this incident, my gf wanted to come and I invited her to go along, telling her that I will be visiting my friend the majority of the time though, if that's okay, I told her. She said sure and would like to come and visit her as well.

But now that I have asked my friend for her opinion on our problem, my gf does not like my friend anymore. She wants to not hang out with her, when she comes with me to the city. But the whole point of going was to visit my friend, I haven't seen in two years, since she moved. Now she is saying that we should go just our selves, and not see my friend at all. I told her, I feel there is no point in going, now that she does not want to do the original goal of the trip for me in the first place. She is very upset we are not going now, because she refuses to hang out with me and my friend. But does that mean that I owe her a trip, even if it means ditching out on my friend, which was the whole point of me going in the first place?

[TheEvilJester]

This could just be me, so hopefully others will have thoughts on your latest question as well.... but here are my thoughts on that....

This trip was originally put together with the intention of it being so you can visit your friend. Your girlfriend joined in with you, which is perfectly fine.... BUT you did not put the trip together with the intention of it being a vacation for you and your girlfriend. You put it together to allow you to visit your friend you haven't seen in a while and you and your gal just decided she'd come along because... well... why not?

However, now she does not want to go and hang out with this friend of yours. So, in my personal opinion that leaves two options. 1) She comes on the trip but understands that if she does that means she will have to spend some of the time doing things on her own if she chooses not to do things with you and this friend of yours. You made it very clear when you allowed her to join you for this trip in the first place that you were mainly going on this trip to see a good friend you hadn't seen in a while. So, NO, in my personal opinion you do know owe her a trip because of this situation. 2) The other option is she just doesn't come if it is a problem for her. Now, I wouldn't exactly suggest you word it to her like that, though.

Maybe you say something along the lines of (and again, I am just pulling this off the top of my head)...

"I put this trip together in the first place so I could see my friend who I haven't seen in a while. So, I'm not going to go and NOT see her. I understand how you are feeling, so if you want to come, but don't want to see her I will understand. If you do want to do that, though, then you need to understand I still want to hang out with her, so you will have to do some things on your own. I promise to make time for us to do things separately as well, but I haven't seen my friend in a long time. I won't talk about our stuff again, but if she does bring it up, I will make an effort to be more diplomatic in how I discuss things and make sure I'm being fair to your side of the story as well."

Anyway, that is just off the top of my head and in my words. So, maybe that wouldn't necessarily work for you. If you do think that is a good approach with her, though, I suggest putting that in your own words. I'm just giving you an idea of what I might say.

But, I don't think you should have to ditch out on your friend. In all honesty (and, again, I wouldn't necessarily suggest you SAY this to your gal) your friend really didn't do anything wrong. She cares about you, and as result has some understandable concerns based on what she heard from you about your situation. Good luck to you.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. But I had to cancel the trip cause my friend moved back to where I was cause she lost her job and had to move back home. So I didn't go cause she was not living there anymore. But now my gf is pissed off, because she said she had booked days off work for nothing now.

[melancholia]

It sounds like she is harboring negative feelings toward you, and she feels resentful for some reason. It's not that big of a deal that the trip was canceled, she can go back and work the days she booked off and just tell them it was canceled. Or maybe you two can do something together, like a different trip and try to reignite your relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I swear the more you share the more I get the impression that your gal is one of these people who can just never be happy. I mean, maybe I am just overreacting because I only hear your side of things, but honestly, I'm liking her less and less the more I hear. I mean, how in the Hell is it your fault that your friend lost her job and had to move back home? Not to mention, why is that such a great inconvenience to your girlfriend? Can't she just either A) cancel/reschedule the days off or B) find something else to do with the days anyway? I mean, sounds like she sort of no longer wanted to go on the trip anyway, so since the trip is no longer even happening, why not just use the days off for herself or for you two to do something?

Is she always so relentlessly negative, or is this unusual for her? I'd like to say maybe she's just going through some crap right now (just like we all do at times), but jeez! It's like you can't win with this one.