Jealousy, lack of communication, upcoming date, marriage plans...

[Princess Kiara]

Hello guys and gals!

So it's been quite a while since I last posted here. Some of you may remember all the debate about my now-boyfriend, Beren. We've been through hell and back in our relationship and out of it, but still going...however, some things he's saying and doing--or not doing--are quite baffling and frustrating for me.

So...on February 23, he finally asked me to be his gf...via WhatsApp. I said yes, and we were to see each other on the following day; but a terminally ill friend of his who had gone missing was located and he rushed to his hometown to stay with him and talk to him about God so that he would not die alone. It was hard for me, not seeing him all that month, but I knew his dying friend was more important and stayed supportive. I even sent him some money so he would be able to stay with his friend and not starve. (Let me be clear, he is VERY hardworking, more so than I. And he at first absolutely refused to take anything from me. But I insisted, since he obviously had no job there and he's never had much money since I knew him. We're both 19, BTW...and *blush* both virgins. More on that later.)

Anyway, first off, he's very insecure and shy, to the point where I was actually pretty surprised that he had the courage to ask me at all, even though I knew he was crushing on me pretty hard since I met him. Here's my evidence for that:

• He jumped like a scared bird the first time I said hello to him.
• He always kept his head down at work and did whatever the bosses told him to do, and said nothing if anyone walked all over him.
• He would always stare at me, WhatsApp me all day and all night long (didn't matter if he didn't have a phone--he'd ask to have one lent to him), follow me around, etc. and would tell me he liked me and I was his impossible dream but making it seem as if he were referring to another girl, and he would not say anything clear.
• After he finally came back from that trip, he seemed almost shy to be around me, though he would sometimes drop in and surprise me.
• The first time he kissed me...the only time for several months...I was heading off to work. My bus came, and I ran to board; but suddenly he pulled my arm and called me. I turned, he gave me a quick peck on the lips, then turned around and literally ran away. I boarded the bus. It all happened so fast that it took a minute for me to realize what had happened.
• He didn't give me another peck on the lips until May 2nd, the day after my birthday. He seemed embarrassed, but asked me to pucker up so he could kiss me. Needless to say, I was delighted.
• Ever since the beginning of our relationship (and before), he would keep saying how ugly he was, how no one ever paid attention to him because he was so ugly, how I deserved someone smarter, cuter and better than he, with more money to "give me what I deserve", etc. but that he didn't know what he would do without me. I had to keep reassuring him that, no, there was no one better for me.

Now, lately we've had problems because he has become short-tempered and irritable. Ever since his brother came to live with him he changed his mind about living with me, and I know his brother says bad things about me and though Beren doesn't fully believe him he does idolize his family because of all he's been through. We've had some fights where he wouldn't even let me speak my mind because that automatically meant I wanted to fight instead of being understanding and supportive, and he said I needed help because everyone would tell him I'm crazy (they still do, because I keep a lot of pets, sing wherever I go and generally don't give a damn what people think about me). I started dressing nicer and using makeup for him. Then he told me he wasn't ready to be in a relationship, that it had only brought problems and everything was better with us being just friends. I was crushed, but he apologized profusely a couple of days later and said it wasn't true. He started going to a support group and began to change back to the boy I met. He openly recognized that he had been controlling and angry, and had let himself be too influenced by others, and I have really seen him trying to change back to how he was.

My biggest problem with him is lack of communication. When I am with him he is the best, sweetest man in the world...but getting a hold of him is hard. He's always very busy or tired. I try to be understanding, but it does make me quite angry when I send him WhatsApp messages and he is online but takes hours to reply, or doesn't see my message...or tells me he can't go out with me because he promised a friend, or his "brother" (who I can't stand because of his snotty, stuck-up attitude...but have said nothing to him since he loves his brother). And if I want to see him he always wants me to pick him up at his work, but will not pick me up at my house or work. Yet I know he cares, because he shows me off to his friends as his girlfriend, he said he wanted to marry me and he recently took me to meet his mother, brother, sister-in-law and two younger half-siblings. And even a friend of mine who wants more than friendship with me (more on that) says that it's apparent he cares. So why this?

Also...I'm embarrassed to say this. But he hasn't kissed me, like, really. Just occasional pecks on the lips. He's very religious, but I feel it goes deeper than this. One time I asked why and he said he's done nearly everything with his exes except...you know...but that I am a princess and he doesn't want to disrespect me. But I feel it's more. And he won't touch me or anything. I think he might be repressing something, as he does bring up sex at random times where I'm like WTH does this have to do with anything??? but says he wants to wait until marriage (so do I)...but doesn't touch or kiss me... Once I waited for him to leave work and he came up behind and started kissing my neck, lips, and face pretty passionately, but still just pecks. Still though he made me feel…alive. :p

He’s always trusted me before, but my best friend (who is the one who likes me) makes him very jealous. Usually he just says “well I don’t like you talking to him, but I trust you and it’s your choice”…now, though, he literally was like “I don’t like “Frodo”, I don’t want you to keep talking to him.” I was like WHAT! He even said it in front of his mom. I had already promised Frodo I would go out with him the following day to celebrate his birthday, and since Beren couldn’t go because he was working, I went anyway. I feel guilty now. I know Frodo likes me, but I, frankly, am repulsed by the thought of anything more with him; however I do enjoy his company and he often pays more attention to me than Beren, and despite liking me quite clearly has given me good advice and has been supportive in the tough times in my relationship. And sometimes when I really need Beren he won’t answer his phone (not allowed at work) or just can’t go, and I ask Frodo and he helps me. Also, Frodo makes time for me, which I love since Beren stopped doing it some time ago. I don’t want to lose my friend at all, but I prefer my boyfriend of course. Any advice? Did I do wrong?

Beren’s brother wants to go live with his girlfriend,. I am hoping Beren will want to go livbe mwith me then. Maybe at last marry me, as he promised.

But I’m worried. See, one time I did breach his trust (no, I was not unfaithful! I couldn’t be! Nothing to do with other guys…I was frantic because I had not heard from him in days, he didn’t go to work and they told me he had dysentery, so the lady he lived with told me a bunch of bad things about him when I talked to her and she called him out on it…and I went too…and of course that was the worst thing I could do…), but he forgave me though I can tell it really affected him. Our relationship began to change then, with “brother”’s arrival,…and also I’d just been kicked out and wasn’t quite sure of my direction in life so I began to rescue dogs, to which he is allergic, but because of problems with the neighbors I couldn’t let them outside and my room smelled pretty bad like dog even though I cleaned daily. Also I was not very responsible. I’ve gotten a lot better now, though…stopped rescuing, gave up for adoption most of my rescues and kept only a few for myself, and I’ve begun to dress nicely, do my hair for him, etc.H He apologized for having wanted to change me, but appreciated my efforst and thanked me.

Also, another note…his mother has red hair, although she dyes it black. Thinking of this, and looking to dye my hair, I dyed it red. He loved it absolutely, and has since asked me a couple times to straighten it “if you want to”. His mom has straight hair. (Also, and he has said it, she and I are similar in many ways…to the point where we sort of banded together when he got snarky when he introduced me to her. We had fun, and even he was happy.)

I’m hurt and confused by his seeming sporadic lack of interest. But here’s my view on it…Due to a combination of his family history, his own insecurity about himself and his appearance, etc. he is hesitant to move in with me, especially as I have in the past not shown enough responsibility. I’ve changed now, but he hasn’t had firsthand evidence of that. I have a feeling he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but is trying to distance himself to protect his feelings as he is very sensitive and all his exes have left him for others who were “cuter” or richer. (I’m going off of what he said. I once complained that he wouldn’t live with me and he said he would ask his mom what she thought, saying his older brother’s wife left him and came back only to take away his money and ruined his life because he was so in love with her. He said he knew I was not like that but that his mom would fear that. I however think that HE is the one who fears this, even though he knows I won’t, it’s hard to let go because of past traumas. And of course he wants a woman not a child…which is why I’ve done some growing up and am keeping my house clean and pretty as well as myself.

Before, I would invite him to stay at my house and he would say no because of what people would say. I told him no one would think ill of it since we are a couple, but he insisted. However, I just moved and am getting a queen size bed (yippee!), and he finally said yes he will stay over (he did once before, because we were out too late and there was no transport to his home…he refused to let me sleep on the floor as I only had a cot and he said he would sleep on the floor. Nothing happened. But now, we will be sharing beds…) I am soooo excited…Since his brother is moving out he might now move in with me if he sees I am responsible enough. I plan on pampering him to the max, especially as I always want to and he never gives me a chance, paying for everything whenever we go out, etc. I am a decent cook and can give very good massages, so I will make him something nice to eat, give him a nice rubdown, etc. And I will sleep as I always do,…in an exercise top with shorts as it’s so hot here and I have no A/C or fan even. (He’s never seen me with anything less than a T-shirt on before.) I know he will give me a peck on the lips, as he always does, but I’d really like for something else to happen, to reassure me that he really does like me. Not sex, but…a passionate kiss, the one I’ve been longing for for so many months. And maybe some touching and cuddling. I feel like a whore for wanting this so bad, especially as he’s the one who’s supposed to want it…but…ahhhhh!!!

So I have a bunch of questions. Does this sound like a good plan? If he tries to give me a peck on the lips should I grab his bottom lip and see what happens? I’m a cuddler so I will definitely hug him while we sleep, as I did that time he stayed over. Do you think this is the case, he’s trying to gauge my readiness for a life with him, and may move in once bro moves out? Do you think I should try anything more? Any tips? Please help  I am too confused. Agh..

[pcmaster]

I read it all and got lost too. So many going tru your head Kiara. Think would be good to focus on one thing at the time.
You didnt mention marriage plans despite that it was in topic name. However dont think about marriage before you two lived together at least a year.

I think you have to try harder to become friends with his brother so he would stop talking bad about you.
With Beren I think hes cheating on you with his hand or something since he dont even kiss you properly.
Dont blush because you are virgin. Many people are virgins in their twenties. So its normal to be a virgin in your teens and early twenties but not much later than that. Anyway life ****s everyone so nobody's a virgin.

Also its okay to have friends and you shouldnt give up on your friends and Frodo because of Beren. That basicaly means you shouldnt sacrifice your life for someone you love. Put yourself first. You still have to learn this.

Dont feel like a whore because you want to be kissed. You are in love and its normal to want those things.

Wow you gona have queen size bed. If Now I wish you were my GF.

[Princess Kiara]

I am basically just looking for tips for the night when he's staying over...what to wear, etc. I know for sure I'll be wearing less clothing than he's ever seen me in before, but one of my friends suggested that I use lingerie and I was like no way, he will run the other way despite our five month relationship xD

- - - Updated - - -

Another friend said I should slide his hand onto my butt or something,... I want something to happen but he has to think it was his idea because he is very religious and I don't want him to leave me because I tempted him or something... Though I really believe his complete lack of sexuality is due more to his own abysmal lack of self-confidence than to any religion... Thoughts? What should I do??? I want a real boyfriend not a guy who acts like a boyfriend in public but like a best friend in private...

[pcmaster]

Gosh, Kiara what are you thinking ! God is watching ! Where did disappeared your - no sex before marriage lol ?

Your friends had a good suggestions but it might not that easy to do cause you are not experienced yourself and everything will be first time. My suggestion is to buy condoms. Durex are good ones.

You know what could help? Walking around naked in the house. And sleeping in one bed naked. Of course would be very good if you would shave or wax down there ot at least leave landing strip.

I liked how this girl did it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWrwCds1VPI

I doubt he will want to leave you once you got him hooked up.

Basicaly just be confident and make a move. Realize that you are woman and man like woman. Also sex is something that feels good for both.

[Princess Kiara]

I don't intend for it to happen lol. But I do wanna cuddle and stuff... And I don't want to invite him over for that reason, I just wanna be with him. But I'm open. I don't want him to think I just wanted that though because that Is not the case.

[Princess Kiara]

Accidental double post

[Mosar]

Hello Kiara, it's been a long time. First of all I'd like to congrats you for bring Beren's girlfriend.

I am sorry for saying this, but I think that your relationship with Beren has hit the lazy, boring, nothing new phase. I think that happened because he now feels pretty secured having a job, gaining money, living with his brother and having the girl he wanted to be his girlfriend. And you want attention so you try to push him. I understand that you want to cuddle and kiss and stuff but these things has to come from him, definitely not from you as this makes him feel more secured. Continuing like that, he wouldn't have any challenge and he wouldn't have to fight for anything.

If there's an important thing I've learned from the psychology courses I am following it would be that a human wants challenges to keep his life refreshed. Also what you said is right, from your description I don't see that your communicating well with each other.

The solution(s) to these little problems you listed aren't actually hard to implement.

1) Do the things that annoy you to him like not replying quickly on WhatsApp or being online and replying after 8 hours. Make him feel like you feel when he does that. By doing that he might get annoyed like you were and starts replying quickly again.

2) Start inviting him less. Also start noticing how many times he invites you to hangout or do something together. By doing that he might realize that you were the one who is trying to make the relationship successful and thus he might start giving you as much attention as you started liking each other.

3) Don't push topics like kissing, cuddling and these stuff as I think that Beren is still kinda shy when it comes to these things. Let him develop it naturally. Keeping it like that he should start digging his own way into these things by first asking it awkwardly with a shy face and then normally and naturally.

4) When he comes, stop pushing the idea that he needs to come and live with you, it's actually better if you didn't discuss it again with him unless he's the one who opens that topic.

I know that these things I said might seem like they're going to end you relation, but they really won't. Sometimes being a bit away returns the passion and the true innocent feelings to the relationship.

I am sorry again for being so harsh, but it's because I care. It's because I needed tips like that half a year ago and couldn't find them, and now I know the solution, but it's too late. So I felt like I need to say them to you.

I hope all your problems with him will go with the wind and that you'll have a good healthy relationship.