Intimacy help - I do everything wrong

[Biendia]

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We have three kids. She is very beautiful and in pretty good shape, I'm very attractive and also in excellent shape. I have always wanted more sex and she has always been difficult to turn on. About six months ago we started talking about it a lot more and have had several conversations about it since then. We had another conversation about it last night. We are on vacation and had finally gotten the kids to bed. We were alone in our own room when my wife started kissing me and touching me. We tried making out for a while but both just ended up frustrated as my wife couldn't get in the mood. She said that I was making her horny all day (we were doing outside activities and I didn't have my shirt on) but that as soon as she started kissing me all the hornyness went away.

I'm reading "the game" and The Married Man’s Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. Both have some good advice but I don't think they are giving me what I need. I need to be able to turn my wife on again. She gets annoyed by what I am currently doing to turn her on and has a big list of things she doesn't like. I constantly think about what I'm doing wrong, what I can do right, and how much I am annoying her. I generally end up not doing much out of fear of wrecking everything. I want to drive her wild with passion not have everything go stale as soon as we start kissing. She is a passionate woman but I seem to be killing that passion. We are getting to the point where we think it would be best to get a divorce because we are both so sexually frustrated. She has pretty much decided that we aren't sexually/intimately right for each other.

Does anyone have any good resources?

I'm already a great dad, have a good job, have a great car, clean the house, leave my wife notes, support her in all she does etc. (all the things you read about on the web). I am willing to change my approach, what I am doing etc. We really want this to work out but are getting more and more frustrated all the time.

Please share any ideas or resources you might have.

Thanks!

[breathe123]

WTF ~ did she tell you once she started kissing you all the hornyness went away or you just assumed this? Hurt your feelings when you heard this? Maybe she needs a drink or two to relax her mood and get frisky? She wasn't outside of her head enough to enjoy herself.

Sounds like you DO turn her on, problem she can't follow through, she needs the help not you, get her to do her own work to make this better, what is she doing to help intimacy?

[TheEvilJester]

I would ponder what exactly has come of your discussions on the topic? What have you learned through those discussions? Because, she's telling you that you are turning her on all day.... then suddenly you get the chance to be intimate and she says all her passion goes away instantly. How in the Hell does she say that to you and not expect you to be extremely insulted by that? I am sure this is not what she means.... but if I were you and she said that to me, I'd hear that as her finding me repulsive. Obviously that is NOT the case since you turn her on in the first place.... but that is how I would personally hear it and is how I imagine it must make you feel.

Her saying hurtful things like that is NOT constructive. What WOULD be constructive criticism is for her to tell you what you do that doesn't work for her.... what you could do that she likes and would enjoy more.... what you may do that DOES work and you should focus on more.

You have been married for 18 years, so I would hope that entire time wasn't spent being as sexually incompatible as you seem to be now. So, why did it work then and not now? Or, God forbid, HAVE you actually always had this issue? I've said this before and will probably say it again.... Sex should never be THE MOST important part of a relationship.... but it IS VERY important. If two people are just completely sexually incompatible, then that IS a problem. Frankly, if there is no hope of that changing, then you two honestly would be better off just ending the relationship.

BUT... Again, you've been together 18 years. If it worked before, then there is certainly the change it could work again. The first step would be for you two to communicate more. She can't just tell you "Oh, I was horny all day, but the moment you touch me that goes away." You can't just accept that as an answer. You need to discuss things in a calm and loving manner. If you think it may help, don't hesitate to try couples counseling.

I know so many avoid that like the plague... like couples counseling symbolizes that the marriage is already over anyway and you are just trying to cling.... but that is not the case. If the marriage WERE just over, then there would be no point in counseling. But, ALL relationships go through rough times now and then. Maybe this is just one of those. A trained professional can help you two discuss things, can give you a professional point of view, and can help you both learn how to better communicate.

So, if it seems like things could be saved, then it is definitely at least worth trying. But, at the same time, if this is not likely to ever change and you two are just not sexually compatible, then it is very unlikely you'd ever be happy together. Which side of the coin this is will be up for you to decide. I wish you the best of luck in finding that out.

[melancholia]

It sounds like you are really trying to fix this problem, but I don't hear a lot of what your wife is doing to fix it besides criticizing you and giving you a list of her sexual irritabilities. Instead of giving you a list of what she doesn't like, how about she tells you what she does like? She should be able to articulate what her needs are and what makes her feel good when it comes to sex. If she can't do that, it sounds like there's a deeper issue going on than just sexual incompatibility. Maybe she feels resentment toward you for something? Maybe she has some deep-rooted self-esteem issues that she doesn't have the capacity to handle. Maybe you two would benefit from couple's counseling to try and find the cause of this intimacy issue and to find ways to fix it together.