So confused- to stay or move on.. Advice needed badly!

[Agirlhasnoname]

Hi all. Need help with a horrible situation i have been in for the last year or so. I am actually beginning to make myself ill with the stress and im not sure how to stop this horrible cycle. Need some support/ some tough love/ yelling at for being so stupid ... Or something!
Where do i start... In short ive been seeing a guy on and off for a year, he seems to like me but theres been about four ocassions on which he has just stopped contacting me for a matter of weeks only to contact me again like nothing was wrong. I made it clear what i wanted from him, a real relationship, bit he always just says 'lets keep going and see how things go' i recently blocked all contact with him and started moving on and after about a month he got back in touch ( this would be about three weeks ago now) asking to see me again. Saying he misses me, etc. Im in such a horrible situation because i genuinely feel a lot for him and i tell him but he never says the same back, although he acts keen to see me etc. Ive poured my heart out many times but he has never turned round and said anything to suggest that he feels the same. When i ask though he will always say obviously i like u or why would i be making all this effort to see you. My wondering is though, has he just been using me for sex all this time, or does he genuinely like me....
So He is back again trying to get me back and saying all the right things like he wants to talk to me properly, etc and wants to meet up again but i dont know if this is just because its convenient for him, has he decided he genuinely likes me and wants this too? Or am i being naive and its a case of he only wants hme when he cant have me ?The other night indecide to call his bluff- i said to him that i do not want a casual thing any more, that i am looking for more, and that i wont settle for something casual and wishy washy. I text and said to him 'do u want more?' To which his reply was 'yeah i think i could, ive been thinking about you a lot recently and im not just after casual sex'.since then he has said that he really wants to see me, and has came out and told me that the reason nothing happened before is because his ex was tryin to stop him seeing his children and he couldnt focus on anything else due to worry about that, and it just wasnt the right time to be seeing anyone.He said that he took her to court and everything has settled down now so he is able to concentrate on other things now. Incould understand if this was the case, but i still dont see this as an excuse to treat someone the way he treated me. Why not just say that it wasnt the right time?i asked him when this whole thing with the ex was settled, and he said back in march. Yet there have been times since then that he treated me like this- back in may i first told him i wanted more, and was he just with me for the physical side of things, to which he replied no, but then the next morning sent me a message saying how much he couldnt wait to get to bed with me. We spoke a few nights ago and he said he wants to give things a go properly and that i am a great girl, the kind he wants to be with. He does sound genuine now but There has been so many times in the past i hve felt like a total mess from being messed around by him - a couple of examples i can give you are - for instance we went on a day out , had dinner and a few drinks, had a nice time, yet when it came to the end of the night and i said i was ready to go home and he went in a mood because i wouldnt stay over - and ended up shutting a door in my face. Also- there have been a few times where he hasnt bothered to text me back yet has called me at 3am or sent a text asking to come up and see me at that time. Its messing with my head that he keeps coming back and being so nice . However, im afraid to go back there much as i like him incase the past replays itself and i i feel used again. I just cant seem to break this cycle. Part of me really has feelings for him. But part of me feels so jaded after a year of this carry on that this whole thing has lost its sparkle for me slightly. Part of me wants to believe he wants to make a go of it, but the other half says why should i give in now that he has decided he is ready (if indeed he is) for something more, after how i was treated.
I dont know if he understands how hurt i have felt from everything thats gone on before. Any time i have asked him about whats happening with us previously he has avoided the topic or it has turned into an arguement, yet now he seems to want to be seeing each other properly? Please help! I will take any advice, as you can tell i am so mixed up from this big old mess but i cant seem to let go completely for some frustrating reason! Sorry for writing a novel! Thanks x

[TheEvilJester]

What I absolutely WILL NOT do is tell you that you are stupid, or yell at you. You are NOT stupid. Who among us cannot understand how you feel? Cannot understand loving the wrong person, and having a hard time realizing that you need to let that go? You are NOT stupid, you just had a jerk manage to worm his way into your heart before you were able to realize he was a jerk. That happens to all of us sometimes. It can be hard to let go of what you thought you had/what you thought you could have had. The important thing to realize is he's made it obvious that what you want in a relationship is not something he is likely to ever provide.

You hit the nail right on the head when you said that there is no excuse for the way he treated you. Okay, so if he was dealing with his ex/custody of their kids, it is understandable if that winds up taking his attention and he can't focus as much on you. ....But then he should have been clear about that right from the start. For him to suddenly be telling you that NOW makes it seem like nothing more than a BS excuse if you ask me. Where was that excuse when you kept trying to reach out to him and he chose to just ignore you?

Now that you are starting to get fed up, OF COURSE he suddenly has excuses now. He sees that he could be about to lose you, so he's trying to back-pedal and make it look like he never meant to ignore you/mistreat you. Personally, I don't buy it for a second. What reason has he given you to believe it won't be the same all over again? What message are you sending him if you take him back yet again? He'll just keep hurting you again and again because he thinks he can get away with it and then just come back with the puppy dog eyes and a fake apology and you'll take him back in a second.

You deserve better. He doesn't deserve you. Believe me, I know how hard it can be to let go, but it won't be hard forever. Given time away from him, you will start to see why you are so much better off without him. Even better, eventually you will find a guy who will finally show you the appreciation you deserve and it will make you wonder why the heck you ever put up with him in the first place.

Don't get me wrong. People CAN change. It just is rare from my experience, and they sure as Hell don't change that quickly. If you took him back, chances are it would just be a matter of time before he'd do the same thing all over again.

Good luck to you. You deserve better. Maybe you don't see it right now, but it is true.

[mkn1010]

I definitely agree with everything TheEvilJester said. I think, as harsh as this sounds, you need to realise this guy is extremely selfish and does not have ANY empathy for you. I know that a lot of guys who behave this way eventually end things when the woman develops feelings as they feel guilty stringing her along. This guy has no guilt for continuously worming his way back into your life, knowing that he's never going to provide what you want.
It's time to pick up your self esteem from the bin and BIN HIM! If you don't exercise self love, how do you ever expect anyone to love you?

[Agirlhasnoname]

Thanks for your replies. Maybe you are both right, The past few days i have been torn over what to do.i think i am going to end it- hopefully i wont regret it. Its a weird feeling, being in a situation where you know the relationship isnt doing you any good but still hesitating to end it. I dont know why i am hesitating right enough, its not as though i have any happy memories to cling on to.
Also i dont know if you agree, but i feel like, if he had reallychanged now and woken up to what he had been doing, tht he would make some sort of big gesture to show he had changed, or make an apology bit he never hs made a point of this. I actually dont know if he even thinks he has done wrong all this time!

[TheEvilJester]

You are hesitating because there is still part of you that wants that special connection with somebody. Because there is part of you that once thought he could be that somebody. That is not an easy thing to let go of at all. Even though you know he is NOT that happy relationship you are looking to find.... there is still part of you that wishes he could be just that.

Believe me. I understand. Part of it, even, is just that it is hard to believe you could have been so wrong about somebody. But, the fault does not lie with you. He was the one who weaseled his way into your heart and then showed his true colors once you were already hooked. He is the one who used you. So, believe me, I think most of us would understand that it is hard for you to give up.... but the good news is I think you are on your way already. You are already able to admit in your own mind that he is not good for you. You said yourself that it isn't as though you have any happy memories with him to cling to, but only him hurting you.

In time (and likely soon) you will find the resolve to leave him. And, honestly, it may suck at first... but the more and more you are away from him, the better and better you will feel. You will realize that you deserve so much better than him. You will realize that you are even so much better off alone than you are with him. ...But hopefully you won't have to be alone long. Hopefully your Mr. Right is just around the corner waiting for you.

Just remember, what you are clinging to isn't really him. What you are clinging to is the idea of who and what you THOUGHT he was. To the potential of the happy relationship you COULD have had if he hadn't turned out to be a jerk. You won't find that with him.... but believe me, you WILL find it some day. Good luck.

[Agirlhasnoname]

Ok so I have an update-yesterday at work I found out that I need to go away and work in Manchester for a month. I have been given a chance I wouldn't normally get because someone else has pulled out of the team due to family issues.i hope I don't sound selfish but given the situation I have posted about I thought to myself that this might be the ideal time for this to happen to get me out of this situation with the guy and give me the push I need to clEar my head and move on from it all.so I thought to myself I would speak to him, and tell him that I need to go away to work for a month, and with him working away for a couple of weeks around that time too that it wouldn't be fair to carry on with this with us not going to see each other for. Good number of weeks (whatever it is we had) I already had it in my head anyway that i would tell him it wasn't working out, as you can probably tell from my posts, and your answers have really helped me out . Finding out at I need to go away to work has kind of made it easier for me, again I know I sound selfish and this sounds like a get out Claus but it's not that, I really have been torn apart over this situation and the news about work feels like it has given me the push to finally end things.
So I did just that. I explained about the work situation when he messaged me. Then he tried to call me a few times but I was in work late last night and explained to him that although I can't answer the phone I could still send a sly text at the desk and that I could call him today if he wanted to chat and at this point he went nuts. He said I was making up excuses not to talk to him, And that basically I was making up having to go away to work. I explained I wasn't , but he continued to say that he has been putting in so much effort to speak to me and that he hates the way I make him feel sometimes, is, like a bad guy for trying to make an effort with me. He then told me that it was really convenient I was going away just as he was going to be back from working away, and told me to 'have a word with myself' . I told him not to speak to me that way and that I wouldn't take being taked to like rubbishy to which he said 'whatever, night' and that's where the conversation ended.

I know it isn't about tit for tat but I feel he was happy to keep me guessing for so long and give me the run around S I previously described but when the uncertainty is the other way round he doesn't like it. However I am left with mixed emotions- feeling guilty because I hate hurting people and now I am starting to wonder if I have been really horrible. Any advice would be great,! Your answers have helped ,me a lot so far so thank u! X

[TheEvilJester]

To be 100% honest with you.... you do NOT sound selfish AT ALL. I'm sure you're not saying "I'm SO happy that person had family problems." LOL! I'm sure you are not happy about the circumstances that made it possible.... but you ARE happy for the opportunity it gave you. I'm sure you'd be much happier had that opportunity come without it involving somebody having to back out due to family issues.... but that doesn't make you selfish for being happy for the opportunity it provides you.

Honestly, I actually agree with you here. I think it is great that this opportunity came to you. Almost like fate. Again, I wish it didn't have to come because somebody else was having family issues, but I think this is exactly the chance you needed. What easier way to start to work on getting over him then at a time when you were going to be away from him anyway? So, this was exactly the opportunity you needed to break it off and now soon you'll be on your trip and wouldn't have been able to see him anyway even if you had wanted to.

And you know something else.... you are definitely right that it is not about, as you put it, tit for tat. ....HOWEVER that doesn't change the fact that your point is VERY valid. So, it is okay for him to F around with you, to play with your emotions.... but then the moment you've finally had enough and end things, suddenly he tries to turn it all around on you like YOU are the one playing games? PLEASE do not buy that crap. Not even for a second.

I think you are AWESOME that it bothers you so much to hurt people.... but unfortunately sometimes in life you can't avoid it completely. Sometimes in life, in fact, you HAVE to hurt people. Sometimes for their own good, sometimes for your own good, sometimes both. Unfortunately, this is one of those times. There is no way to break up with somebody and NOT hurt them. So, yes, one way or another you are going to hurt him..... but it isn't malicious hurt it is necessary hurt.

He's not right for you. He doesn't deserve you. You owe it to yourself to get out of the situation. Him hurting a little for a short period of time is so much better than you continuing to be hurt by him for a prolonged period of time. Also, think of it this way.... You aren't breaking up with him INTENDING to hurt him. You are breaking up with him because he has hurt you, because it is the right thing to do for you.... The hurt you may cause him is a necessary side effect, not your intention.

You will be okay. For that matter, if it makes you feel better, he will be okay as well. Hopefully he can learn a lesson from losing you.... but let him learn it for somebody else. He's burned his bridge to you already. Don't build it back for him. But, with time away from him, you WILL be okay and you WILL realize you deserve better.

I know how hard that can be to see yourself when you are in the situation.... So for now I'll be your cheerleader. LOL! God... THAT is a disturbing image I've now put in all our heads.

[Agirlhasnoname]

Thank you theeviljester, ur answers have helped me a lot. I wonder what your take is on the following scenario - as i have been wondering about it and you always seem to speak honestly- a month or two ago we went out for a night out and had a few drinks. This guy ive been talking about and myself. Before we went out i had met his aunt and when talking about this later on, amongst other conversation about his family he said to me tht his aunt is the only one he tells about people he is seeing, and that it was a big deal to have met her . He then said 'my aunt is the only one who knows i was seeing a girl called ashley'..... One problem with this- my name isnt ashley! I asked him later that night about this mistake that he didnt seem to realise he made. And he said this was a girl he was seeing before me and it slipped out. I was wondering what ur take is on this because i always wondered if he was perhaps seeing someone else at the same time or else why would he say a different name ?x

[Olusegun]

Jester has said it all. I can't agree more with the devil and I can't agree less with Jester. The only thing he didn't do in his advice was to make a just, because he didn't. What more did you need to hear, sorry you have no name. The posters above me has said it all. Please move on!

[TheEvilJester]

Well, assuming you are resolute in your decision to end things with him.... my initial reaction is why even let it bother you? Why focus on yet another thing he did in a long line of things that upset you?

But....

Since you asked, without further details my gut reaction is, you are saying he said "my aunt is the only one who knows i was seeing a girl called ashley." Key words there are WAS SEEING. That is in the past tense. So, I think he may have just been saying that, back when he was seeing some other girl, his aunt was the only one who knew. Just from that, I don't get the impression that he was talking about you, but accidentally called you the wrong name, if that was what you were thinking.

In fact, (and again, I'm really just speculating based on what you shared) it kind of sounds to me like he was just saying that to illustrate how big a deal it is to him that you got to meet his aunt.... and he just didn't think until it was too late about how it was probably best not to be talking about his ex to his current gal.

Again, though, without having been there to witness the actual event, it is a little hard for me to know. And, again, if you've decided it is in your best interest to move on, then it really is a moot point anyway. You can speculate as much as you want, we can speculate as much as we want, but none of us are mind-readers, so it isn't like we'll know why he did that (or any of the number of things he did to hurt you) anyway.

Good luck to you, once again. You deserve better, and I fully believe in my cold black heart (LOL!) that you WILL find it. It just seems very unlikely that you were ever going to find that with him, so better to move on so you can be free to find the right fella. Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now.