Incest Affair?

[parabola]

I've been married over 4 years, known my so for 6 years. It wasn't until we moved in together I had found out my so had sex with his cousin. I had found nude photos of her in his email and a many chats that confirmed they had been together. The other thing is that they said they loved each other and hoped to be together one day. I know my so had said that to more than one female so no surprise there. This happened before we settled down so I just decided to move on. We had a child and my husband started working overseas 9 months out of the year and has done this for 4 years. Well, recently I found out he has been emailing her for over a year and a half. She is the only family member he does talk to besides his mom so it just seems a little odd plus from a secret account hidden from me. I don't see how it could be physical at all because she lives so far away and his time stateside is limited. They don't say I love you to each other either plus she is in a serious relationship with someone else. Would like some outside input.....TIA

[melancholia]

Dump this guy. How can you stand by someone who has sex, and an ongoing secret relationship with his own cousin? That's f.ucking disgusting.

[parabola]

Well, because raising a child alone is hard. He at least can provide financially, so that is what is keeping me from leaving. Yeah, it is disgusting...so was finding out he was on craigslist looking for sex.

[melancholia]

Cheating in general is bad enough, but sleeping with your cousin is f.ucked.

[breathe123]

He can't be trusted and has questionable morals. Ask him to stop bothering with her & if he won't get away from him, would be my suggestion. Plus craigslist sex, SMH.

[parabola]

I know it sounds awful. He was born and raised catholic, I have no idea where he got these crazy fixations or whatever. I KNOW it sounds horrible. He doesn't know I know about the cousin currently and I am not sure how to bring that info forward without outing how I know. It has been emotionally devastating and I want to confront the cousin rather than my so.'

[Dream_of_Waves]

Cheating is cheating, it is never okay. Don't put up with it. Good people will break up before getting physical with another person. I do want to say something though, it isn't actually incest between cousins. Only direct family like mum, dad, brother, sister. I know 2 people who are either dating or married to a first cousin. It's not incestuous.

[JimBo90]

I apologise if I'm hijacking the thread, but I'm shocked at how few people really know what incest means. Some of the responses here are just plain appalling and emotionally immature. No respect. Getting romantic with a cousin is NOT considered incest. Not even close.

In fact, throughout history, the happiest of marriages took place between cousins. It is quite normal for cousins to be one step closer than that of a best friend, making them great lovers. They are NOT your brother or sister. It was and still is normal for cousins to enter into romantic relationships with each other. Drop the stigma already.

Sorry, but I needed to get that off of my chest.

As for the OP, if you are sure that your boyfriend is cheating on you (physically cheating on you) then he is not worth another second of your time.

[parabola]

I consider this relationship highly inappropriate. My bad it isn't what definition incest is but having sex with family members at least in mine is not okay. I'm grossed out and it is only a small part of the deviant side to his sexuality. Why do some guys feel the need to have sex with everything out there? I am def not enough for this man, and I doubt any one woman could keep him entertained for very long.

[Dream_of_Waves]

Did he send the photos before or after you got together with your husband? I'm just treating this as any other cheating situation because I know how many people are with a cousin. It's not gross, I don't know why modern society makes it out to be. It is insulting to judge.

Have you confronted your husband about possible cheating?

[debbielady]

Just for clarification: incest is defined as sexual relations between two people too closely related to marry. It is the crime of having sexual intercourse with a parent, child, sibling (brother/sister), or grandchild/grandparent. Not a cousin.

Cousin with cousin is far from being incestuous. I opened this thread thinking I'd read about a brother and sister or a child and parent. Incest is a powerful word, one that shouldn't be thrown around lightly.

[parabola]

I don't really care if it is the definition of incest or not. Regardless, it complicates a resolution with my relationship. I don't really care for the idea of having to spend family holidays, get togethers, and reunions know full well this is going on. That is what makes it bad for me that it is a cousin. For me that makes it worse than just anyone else out there. As far as the ending of my marriage, I will make sure the whole family knows what exactly broke it up and why my children will be raised in a single parent home.

[megvoh]

I think from the hurt this all seems to cause you, parabola, you are better off without him. Not just off the sex with his cousin but the other sketchy acquiring sex from craigslist as well.
Do what is best for you and your children.

[Dream_of_Waves]

Do what's best for your kids. We bring kids into the world by choice, it is our fault. My parents wanted me just for the sake of having a child. They never really loved each other, not in the beginning not ever. I can't stand that, it destroyed my home life. As you know, children are a huge responsibility. Maybe your husband is just not cut out for the family life? Maybe he never was? If that's the case I would suggest you leave him.

- - - Updated - - -

I just want to add that while our partners may suck at being good partners, husbands and wives, that doesn't mean they should be called a bad parent. You sound like an amazing woman, do what's best for you. I'd just reccommend against projecting your feelings about your husband on to your child and family in the future.

[TheEvilJester]

Okay, first off the actual legal definition of incest is kind of irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that most people would consider it extremely inappropriate to have a romantic relationship of any kind with a cousin. I don't know... maybe it's just me... but a cousin is usually (other than in the event of adoption or whatever) blood related to you. How is that NOT inappropriate?

Again, maybe it works for other people and if it does, who am I to judge? What do I care? But, in my opinion, knowingly dating ANY relative is inappropriate.

Now, IF this were in his past, then I'd say maybe you look past it. Somebody's past is their past. In this case, though, I'm not so sure it IS in the past. They are still in regular contact. Not only that, but they feel the need to make their contact secret. If it WASN'T crossing any boundaries then why would they feel the need to hide it?

BUT....

More important in my eyes is the fact that you say you've caught him cheating and/or attempting to cheat. You've caught him posting to Craig's list looking for sex. To me, that should be all you need to know. So, personally, I would dump/divorce this guy immediately if I were you. But, that does have to be your decision. Don't stay with him JUST for the child/children. Two divorced parents certainly can raise a child just fine. If you feel there is something you two have worth fighting to keep, then by all means do what you can to see if it can work. But don't stay together because you think it is what is best for the kids. Kids would be so much better with two parents who are not together but are happy rather than two parents who are together but are miserable.

Good luck to you either way.