Do I stand a chance to win her back ?

[Jeffmeyer358]

My gf of 4 years and I broke up somewhat mutually and very amicably.. I thought it was what I wanted.We had communication issues towards the end that was driving us apart and stoping any love from nurturing. After the break up I felt fine no hard feelings towards her and no desire to contact her. On about day 5, I reached out to see how she was doing and to let her know I accepted the break up and believed it would be the only way we could remain friends. We had a great talk, we connected like we hadn't in months. That left me wanting more. I realized I had made a huge mistake. When we opened up to each other we both agreed we felt so close. I asked her if she wanted to get back together on the promise that we would be more open to one another. She said she thinks we work better as friends because there is no stress to impress each other. That was very hard to hear so I made the mistake of begging which just made it hard for her, she said she needed time to move on. In the last 3 weeks my heart has not waivered. I still want her back. She is being very open and honest with me about what she has been doing with the limited contact I have initiated with her. She has been seeing someone else and appears to be having a good time. Each time we talk I feel closer to her but it always leaves me wanting more. I asked her not to completely close the door on us, that if it felt right and natural someday we would give it another go. To that she said she was open to anything but didn't want it to hold either one of us back from potential happiness elsewhere. I'm trying to take things slow and not to interfere with her and the new guy. I am just wondering what the best course of action to take here is. Ideally I'd love to have her back but I can also find the silver lining in knowing that she is happy even with it being with another man. Should I just let it be or keep slowly perusing and trying to win her back over with the changes I've made ?
Thanks in advance

[TheEvilJester]

My general rule of thumb is when somebody is your ex, they are your ex for a reason. So, my gut reaction is to ask you this.... What exactly has changed in this short amount of time to make you think anything would be different this time? To me, there are only A FEW situations where it could make sense to try again with an ex.

One example is when there weren't really any problems, but you two had to break up due to extenuating circumstances like too long of a distance or something like that. Then, if the distance/lack of time/whatever situation improves, then it could be worth trying again because it wasn't like you two broke up because you didn't work.

Another example is when the problems that broke you up in the first place either have changed, or could change.

MAYBE that is the case here. The thing is, I don't know how they would have changed so quickly. It is understandable that part of you misses the relationship you two had. The thing is, it is very possible that what you miss isn't really her, but you miss the her you thought she was. You miss the way it felt having somebody special in your life. It can be hard, after a fresh break-up, not to get those feelings. So, if nothing else, you should at least take some time to yourself to realize whether or not you truly miss her/believe you two could make it work a second time, or whether it was just that you were missing what COULD have been between you two.

As it is, though, she's shared with you that she does not want to get back together. At least not right now. Not only that, but she's currently seeing somebody. So, right now you should consider her 100% off limits. I would not suggest you continue pursuing her right now or, frankly, that could just wind up painting a bad image of you and turn her off to you even more. She's shared her wishes with you, so for now just respect them.

Use this as an excuse to take the time you need to work this out in your own mind. In the end, if you think you and her actually COULD make it work the second time, then IF she happens to be single at the time, maybe you ask her once more. Either way, if she's just not interested, then it is best for you to just move on. However, in the mean time, take some time to work through all of this in your own head. Again, as I've said, if you two broke up in the first place, what exactly would be any different this time?

If you sincerely think it out and feel like it COULD, then maybe it is worth trying if you are both open. But, if you are honest with yourself and find yourself thinking that likely the problems that broke you up in the first place would still be present, then it really is best just to move on. Not an easy decision you have, so I do wish you the best in deciding. Good luck!

[Jeffmeyer358]

Thank you so much theeviljester. That was great advice, I feel I am focusing to much on the positives that we had in the relationship and not the things that made me upset. Again thank you !

[TheEvilJester]

And it isn't wrong to focus on the positive... it's just you should ALSO focus on the negative. Focus on it all. That will help you decide whether you are missing her because there is a chance she could be a good match for you if you two work on it... or because you just want to be with somebody, but maybe she's just not the right match. Good luck, friend. Whatever you do decide, I hope it works out for you well.