Feelings for someone with a boyfriend.

[RagnaRocke]

Update guys - You must be sick of me by now but whatever...........

So she arranged another hangout with a few people that I was invited to. There were a fair few people there is time and it was quite a lot of fun. Her boyfriend was there as well and they turned up together.

For the most part, I tried to steer clear of the two of them. Her boyfriend made no effort to talk to me, or anyone else there and I left him alone. The only person he was talking to was the girl I like. But I had a good time chillin with everyone else and had a few laughs and she occasionally would be part of the conversations which was nice. I wanted to get a chance to speak to her alone or at least away from her boyfriend but this was impossible, he was always sitting next to her and if she got up for something and changed positions he would shortly follow.

At first I was paranoid that he had won her back and things were about to end for me. They seemed to be very friendly together and I started rto settle my mind, I started telling myself I was there to socialise and tried not to think about the girl and myself - and like I say, it worked for the most part, I had a good time. But I noticed he kept trying to be flirty with her and she wasn't really engaging him. Not that she didn't seem to like it, just that she wasn't really returning the flirt or trying to carry it on.

People peeled off to go home or do their own thing as the day went on, eventually it was just the three of us and there was an akward silence for a long time. I kept trying to break it by starting silly or casual conversations but niether of them were replying to me. So I got the feeling I should probably leave and I was about to when her boyfriend left the room to use the toilet.

Quite quickly, she came over to me and started whispering that he was being really annoying. I asked what she meant by this and she explained that they were now on a break. She wanted things to go back to normal and had hoped all of her friends could spend the day together and maybe her and her boyfriend could heal things. She said it wasn't working out, that she didn't feel comfortable around anyone because she felt like he was 'breathing down her neck' all day. He came back into the room but she had already gon and sat back in her seat.

I don't think it helped them that he was basically a corpse all day. He wouldn't talk to anyone but her and I felt there were a few times she tried to go off and sort of socialise without him but he kept following her around. So I understood where she was coming from.

Eventually, he left. I was in the toilet at the time so I don't know what happned. When I came back she was on her own. We talked a bit and I asked if she was allowed to see other people on this break and she said he had made her promise not to. I said I would respect this and that we shouldn't do anything until she makes a decision, she stated again that she couldn't promise me anything.

So we chilled out for a bit and I tried to keep myself busy and not get too close to her (because she is very beautiful) but she kept trying to play fight with me again. I would play for a bit and then remind her about her promise while on the break but eventually we ended up topless in each other's arms, sharing kisses again. I felt that she was trying to have sex with me, but I refused. I said that would have to be the one line I don't cross until she makes a decision, that way, if she does decide to go back to her boyfriend, she can at least say we didn't do that.

During this time he was constantly calling and texting her. Every 5-10 mins probably. She would answer now and then, she always texted back but I could tell she was getting annoyed and she eventually just threw her phone across the room in frustration.

Since he had effectively kicked her out, she said she had no where to live. She is staying with family at the moment but she said she can't do that much longer as she is sleeping on the floor and it is making her job hard since she's not getting much sleep. I offered to put her up once I've settled my new place. The comute to work would be longer for her but I explained all of this in detail. I said it might not be a good idea, but I was just putting it on the table. She told me that she had told her family about us and what was going on and I suggested she tell her family I had made this offer and said she should ask them what they think she should do.

I asked again about her ultimate decision she again said she couldn't make any promises. She said that she could go back to him because he was 'safe' and she 'didn't like change'. The problem was that she was bored of him. That he doesn't pay her any attention, expects her to cook and clean for him and doesn't give her anything in return. She said she doesn't feel sexually excited by him anymore.

In the end, I dropped her off near his apartment because she had to pick a few more things up and was going back to her family's after. I explained that because of my extensive working hours, I wouldn't be able to see her for a few days and even then, because I am moving to a new apartment on that day, I may not have time to see her. I asked if she wanted me to text her on my next day off if I am able to see her and she said I wouldn't know what decision she would have made - but I asked her to update me. and I hope she does. We shared a small kiss just before I dropped her off.

Maybe it will be good for everyone if I don't see her for a few days. I'm hoping she'll be able to sort her head out and make a decision but I'm terrified that she won't pick me. I wouldn't really be bothered if she wanted to be single for a few months but I just don't want her to go back to him. I don't want her to pick him over me.

Do you guys think I should text her in a couple of days, or is it best to back off for now? I'm just sad because of the uncertainty of what might happen.

[melancholia]

You need to back off of this woman at this point. Give her time to sort out her thoughts about everything. Stop being so desperate. She has asked for space and time to sort her thoughts out, and you need to let her do that. Asking her every five minutes if she can start seeing other people, and if she wants to hang out with you, and if she wants to move in with you is f*cking ridiculous. Do not ask her to move in with you, even temporarily. Do you not see how stupid that would be for both of you? You say you have willpower not to engage in inappropriate behavior, yet you do not do a thing to stop yourself from making out topless with this chick. Grow up, have some self respect, and respect her need for space and time to sort out what she wants to do. If you keep pushing her, you will ruin your chance at ever having something serious with her down the road.

[RagnaRocke]

I haven't made any effort to contact her for a few days and she has contacted by text me asking if I wanted an update on the situation. I said yes, please with a smiley face.

She said I probably don't want to use the smiley face and I a rang her - which may have been a mistake at the time but I assumed the worst. She instantly declined the call and I texted asking why I shouldn't use the smiley.

She explained over text that she was sat with her family and didn't want to talk on the phone and went on to say that she plans to meet up with her boyfriend a few times a week and go on a few dates to find out if they still have something. She said that way she'll know for sure if she wants to get back with him or if they have just naturally drifted apart and she can end things on a good note.

I totally agree with this decision and I think it will be best for both her and me. But like you say, I have underestimated my willpower and I tried to make plans where we could meet up on my next day off of work. I said that if she already had plans or she didn't want to, it was fine and I explained that I understood if she needed me to back off for a while. She said she couldn't promise anything and she wouldn't know what she wanted to do until the day.

She told me her and her boyfriend had gone on a date a few days ago and I asked how it went. She said she was still confused, that it felt no different to meeting up with a friend and that it was even a bit weird. But she couldn't say at this point if her feelings for him would change.

So I ended it briefly, just thanking her for letting me know what was going on and said I was going to eat and sleep.

I know that I have to give her space now - and I will. But I'm a little scared of what might happen. I guess this is my punishment for my actions and I can't complain.

[melancholia]

This isn't really punishment. You just need to cool it and give her some actual space - which means not contacting her and trying to meet up with her, or asking her how her dates with her BF are going. Leave her alone, and let her figure things out on her own. In the mean time, you need to focus your energy back into your own life. Start going out and doing things with other people. You have other friends, right? So start spending time with them, and do things that you enjoy, that will distract you from this situation. She is likely going to need more than a couple days to figure out how she feels. It could end up taking her weeks, or even months, and she will only get to the place where she can make a decision by giving herself the time to do so. If she decides to break up with her BF and start something up with you, she will let you know. Until then, you need to respect the time she needs and stop bombarding her with texts and attempts to continue seeing her. There's no way to know how long it will take her to make up her mind, so it's not a good idea to wait around aimlessly while she tries to sort it out.

[RagnaRocke]

I understand where you are coming from guys and I do agree with pretty much everything you've all said, but I need to vent a little, so please don't take anything personally :/

I didn't contact her, she contacted me - and while I did ask how the date went, it wasn't me who brought it up. She mentioned it and I enquired naturally. She obviously wanted me to know and I don't know if it's because she's trying to make me jealous, is confused and feels I should know, or if she's trying to send a message to me to back off. I am trying really hard to leave her alone and respect her space, but if she is making the effort to contact me... I just can't ignore her

I have been spending time with my friends and going to the gym, I put a lot of effort into keeping myself busy and into not thinking about her, but it is so hard. There are a couple of single girls who have taken an interest in me around my friend groups and I think they are really nice, but I'd personally feel bad if I started pursing them. I think if she knew I was seeing anyone else it would endanger anything that might happen between us. I know I can't just wait around forever, but I just can't be more than friends with anyone else until she makes a decision

I'm afraid that when people look back on relationships - I've done it myself - they look back with rose-tinted glasses and only remember the good things. Her boyfriend also may know her a lot better than me and be able to play his cards better but I honestly don't think she will be happier with him, but of course, I'm biased for one thing and it is also not my decision to make and I understand that.

I'm not 'bombarding' her with texts - She texted me out of the blue, I replied and we talked for a bit. I asked her to hang out, she gave me a vague answer and I didn't press the topic, I left her alone.

If she chooses to get back with her boyfriend, it may be too hard for me to see her anymore. You only live once in this world. The reason I keep asking her to hang out, is because I want to spend as many seconds of my life with her as possible before I might have to seperate myself from her. I want to enjoy the moment and look back on it as a wonderful thing if it comes to an end.

I'm trying really hard to be mature. I spend a long time every day preparing my heart and mind for the eventuality that she goes back to him - because it is a very real possibility and as much as I try to ignore and dismiss my feelings, I can't put into words how hard that is for me.

I mean no disrespect - as you all come from an unbiased and logical position, but you guys almost make it sound like I am some sort of pest, poisoning her relationship, just sort of hovering around her like a vulture waiting for an animal to die... Wait, I guess you're right, actually. I really appreciate everyone's posts - and I'm not saying walk on eggshells or anything because that's not what I need - but sometimes, reading everyone's replies, I feel like she has made a mistake with me. Maybe that's true, but not all mistakes or accidents are bad things in the long run - I guess kind of like an accidental pregnancy that turns out to be the best thing that ever happened - if you get what I mean. (That hasn't happened. I haven't actually slept with her ) Besides, I don't think she was happy with him, otherwise, why would she be messing around with me in the first place?

It's like I've come full circle. When I started this thread, I was all ready to pack up, leave town and get myself out of her life. Over the last couple of weeks, things have kept happening between us that have been messing with my head and making me think she might actually want to be with me and I've got more confident about being with her. But now I'm back to square one, feeling like maybe I should just disappear. It wouldn't even be that hard. After all, I'm leaving for my new place tomorrow anyway. Should I keep in contact, what do you guys think?

I knew that I was entering dangerous territory by falling for a taken girl and whatever she chooses to do I will respect her decision but I was so solid and together about this whole thing a few days ago and right now I think I feel just as confused as she is right now.

[TheEvilJester]

I can't speak for anybody else, but it was never my intention to imply you are a "vulture" as you put it, or anything along those lines. Though I cannot speak for them, I also do not necessarily get that impression from any of the other responses you have received.

You are not the only party guilty of any wrongdoing here. She has been just as actively participating in this, as she obviously at least has some feelings for you to some degree. Furthermore, I don't get the impression that you carelessly entered into this situation. In other words, I don't think you'd be coming here, and I don't think you'd be warring with this whole thing in your own mind if there wasn't part of you realizing that it would be wrong to pursue somebody while they are already in a relationship.

We are not telling you to keep your distance from her because we are accusing you of being a vulture trying to snatch her away from her boyfriend. We are telling you to keep your distance because she needs time to figure things out on her own AND because you don't deserve to keep being tortured like this.

Bottom line, if the two of them break up, that needs to be her decision. Only AFTER that should she give any thought to whether she wants to be with you, or if that may have just been her reacting out of the hurtful situation she was in at the time. You have strong feelings for her right now. Sometimes it can be very hard to control that, so I think we can all understand at least to some degree when you have been finding it hard not to give in when the two of you are together.

Frankly, the fact that she reacts willingly, or even is often the one to initiate only serves to make it even harder on you. At least if she was firm in her position to see things out with him first then it would make it easier for you to give her that space as well.

Believe me, I know how hard it is, but you are better off (and she will be better off) if you just give her space for now. I understand how you feel in wanting to spend as much time with her as you can in case in the end you two do not wind up together. The thing is, if you DO wind up together, then you'll have all the time in the world to spend together. If you DON'T wind up together, then you'd honestly be better off having wasted as little time waiting for her as you can.

It's not easy, what you are going through, so none of us mean to make it sound like it is. It's just that you're not going to move forward (whether that winds up meaning getting over her or winds up meaning getting to actually be with her) if you keep unintentionally sabotaging your own progress. That is why, when she says she needs space and time to figure out her relationship and whether it is ending, give her that. Don't ask her to hang out, don't reach out to her.

You can't necessarily control if she keeps initiating contact with you first, but just keep it as minimal as you can. As others have pointed out, it could take her a while to come to any final conclusion. Do not wait around for her forever. Maybe you want to give her some time for now, and that is fine if it does seem like there could be some hope she may wind up with you, but don't wait around forever.

Good luck! I hope this all winds up for the best for you in the end, whether that means you wind up with her after all, or you wind up finding somebody else who you wind up liking even more.

[melancholia]

Why are you waiting for her to make a decision and determine your relationship? Why not take control of your own life instead? To place your future happiness in the hands of someone else is completely stupid. You're actually choosing to stand still and waste your precious single life, waiting around for someone to make up their mind about you. I've said this in previous threads; but I firmly believe, and this is clearly a matter of opinion, that if you have to shake someone's head to make them see that you are worth being with, then you will never be worth it to them; at least not in the way that you should be. It doesn't sound like her feelings for you are strong enough to match with how you feel about her. That kind of emotional discrepancy will ruin a relationship.

I think if she continues to reach out to you, and then tell you details about her current relationship, but then push back and say she needs time to think things over, is classic game playing 101. I think you need to be clear with her about how you feel (again, because I know you've done that already in one of your previous updates). Tell her that you have feelings for her that are too strong for you to shove down and sit by while she flip flops back and forth. Basically, you need to issue her an ultimatum. She needs to make up her mind and either dump her boyfriend, or cut contact with you. If she is going to work things out with her boyfriend, she shouldn't be reaching out to you, or hanging out with you. It's just as unfair to you as it is to her boyfriend for her to be doing that. I bet you, if you two stopped talking and went your separate ways, that you would recover from this a lot faster than you think. Right now you're caught up in everything, and a lot of the progress you've made with her has been very recent. The more distance you place between you, this girl, and this f*cked up relationship you have, you will begin to start seeing things with more clarity.

One thing I have learned through my experience, is that relationships that are successful don't take this much work. Sure, maybe you two could be great together under different circumstances, but she has a boyfriend, and she is taking her sweet ass time to decide what she wants to do about that, while she lets you hang on to the shreds of a relationship you seem to have with her. I'm not saying she is a bad person, I want to reiterate that I don't think anyone involved is a bad person; but this is not an ideal relationship to be in, and I honestly wonder what it is that you believe you're holding on to. It sounds like hope, but part of me wonders if you are over-romanticizing this situation, and hoping she will miraculously change her mind about her BF and leave him to be with you in some rom-com movie-like romantic gesture. Honestly, it sounds like you are wasting your time here. What is is that you think you'll lose if you cut off contact with her and start pursuing other women? And why wouldn't you go out and try to see what else is out there, at least until she makes her decision about you? Until you two are officially together, I think it would be a wise idea for you to see what else is out there. She is not the be-all, end-all to your happiness and romantic future. In fact, I can see this ending in disaster for you, to be honest.

[RagnaRocke]

Yeah guys, I need to move on. I'm glad I'm moving town. Maybe I shouldn't contact her, but I just feel like I can't control my actions.

I've been hit with a really bad bout of sadness just now so I hope this isn't too much of a rant.

Maybe I should re-tell her how I feel but I may never get that oppurtunity. If she really wants to make things work with her boyfriend, he certainly wont let her contact me anymore. I would predict he would tell her to ignore and avoid me if she wants things to work.

She has years of feelings and memories with him. I was a fool to think I could compete with that. I always told myself not to settle for second best and no one has ever made me feel as happy as she does when I'm around her, but I just had to take things too far and ruin that for myself. If had better control of my emotions, this wouldn't have happened, I should look at it as a lesson learned.

I think, if she really wanted to be with me... Why would she be going out on dates with him? Why would she be reluctant to see me?

This all went into top-gear when I let slip I was leaving town. Perhaps she was just a bit bored with him and used me like a pawn in a big game. To kick him into gear and make him realise what he was missing. Maybe she only did those things because she fancied me and wanted to see what I was like sexually before I left. I hope not, I would feel betrayed. She told me once, she doesn't like change. Maybe she really was just confused and I was the source of the confusion. If I'm removed from the picture everything is normal again. I should learn to stop trying to insert myself into places I don't belong just because it feels right in my heart. The heart lies.

I will just have to try to be happy for them. Keep telling myself she is with her dream man - and I feel like he has the best girlfriend in the world. He must be so happy. Who am I to ruin that for them?

I think I need some time away from other people for a while. Just work, eat, sleep and hit the gym for a few weeks and hope that my heart heals itself. All I can do is grit my teeth and endure this torture until my emotions stop killing me.

[melancholia]

Yeah guys, I need to move on. I'm glad I'm moving town. Maybe I shouldn't contact her, but I just feel like I can't control my actions.

That is bullsh.it. Of course you can control your actions, you're the only person who can control your actions. You just don't want to stop. Simple as that. These situations and these emotions you are feeling are only as difficult as you want them to be.

Maybe I should re-tell her how I feel but I may never get that opportunity. If she really wants to make things work with her boyfriend, he certainly wont let her contact me anymore. I would predict he would tell her to ignore and avoid me if she wants things to work.

I already said you should tell her again how you feel, but honestly, do you see her response being any different than what she's already said to you? Chances are high that she will say the same thing again, and keep you waiting even longer than you already have. If she decides to stay with him and repair their relationship, you'd better damn well hope she doesn't try to stay in contact with you. Knowing how you feel about her, yet pursing inappropriate behavior with you while in a relationship, and then staying with him, but holding onto the shreds of your friendship is absolutely insane and totally disrespectful to everyone involved.

She has years of feelings and memories with him. I was a fool to think I could compete with that. I always told myself not to settle for second best and no one has ever made me feel as happy as she does when I'm around her, but I just had to take things too far and ruin that for myself. If had better control of my emotions, this wouldn't have happened, I should look at it as a lesson learned.

Start telling yourself again that you deserve better, every single day, multiple times a day, until you believe it to be true. You should never settle for second best, ever. I understand where you're coming from when you say nobody has made you feel as good as she does, but honestly, someone else can - and probably will. I've thought that about a few people from my past, and I was convinced that I'd never feel the same way again about someone else... but lo and behold, I have. There's possibility of a strong connection with more than one person in your life. You have to believe it can happen for you. I do!

I think, if she really wanted to be with me... Why would she be going out on dates with him? Why would she be reluctant to see me?

If she wanted to be with you, she would be. It's literally that simple. It doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, or that she doesn't have feelings for you; but feelings and intentions mean nothing without action to back it up. If she wanted to be with you, she would leave her boyfriend and be with you.

Perhaps she was just a bit bored with him and used me like a pawn in a big game. To kick him into gear and make him realise what he was missing and get a little action as a bonus. She told me once, she doesn't like change. Maybe she really was just confused and I was the source of the confusion. If I'm removed from the picture everything is normal again. I should learn to stop trying to insert myself into places I don't belong just because it feels right in my heart. The heart lies.

I've thought from the beginning that she is using you to fulfill some void from her boring relationship. People in happy relationships don't cheat. Why she would rather stay miserable with someone she doesn't like that much, just because she doesn't like change, is completely lost on me. She wants the best of both worlds. The attention you give her, and her sweet boyfriend at home. She cannot have both. She doesn't deserve both. However, you are letting her have it by continuing to stay in contact with her, knowing she has a boyfriend. The heart doesn't lie, the heart is an organ that pumps blood through your body. That's all it does. The brain does all the work, and a lot of time people talk themselves out of how they really feel, and what they really should be doing, simply to stay comfortable in the moment. Many people torture themselves by doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results; but that is the ultimate form of insanity. If you want something to change, you need to alter your behavior and you are only in control of your own behavior; no one else's.

You know this situation is wrong, you've mentioned it several times, but you continue to pursue it. The positive reinforcement you get from the relationship with her is minimal at best, yet it's enough to keep you holding on to the idea that things could work out with her. Why are you doing that? Why are you torturing yourself to stay in one place, waiting for someone who doesn't respect you or her current boyfriend enough to make a choice between the two of you? Why are you actively choosing not to pursue other women, who are interested in you (and available) just because this chick *might* decide to throw caution to the wind and choose you? You're clearly not getting anywhere by keeping yourself stuck in this limbo stage, so someone is going to have to make a move here. Clearly she can't do it, so you are going to have to be the one who does.

I will just have to try to be happy for them. Keep telling myself she is with her dream man - and I feel like he has the best girlfriend in the world. He must be so happy. Who am I to ruin that for them?

How unselfish of you to think that way. You can have your dream woman, too. You may just have to give up on the idea that she is the only person who could fit that role for you.

I think I need some time away from other people for a while. Just work, eat, sleep and hit the gym for a few weeks and hope that my heart heals itself. All I can do is grit my teeth and endure this torture until my emotions stop killing me.

I think you should do that. Focus your energy on other things besides this woman, and do things that make you feel good. Eventually, you will move on and you will stop thinking about her this way. You simply need to choose to do that though. People often say "time heals all wounds", but time doesn't do sh.it, it's what you do with that time that makes any difference. You should be aiming for something better than this. You could be with someone who is amazing, and exciting, and loving... who is excited and thankful to be with you every day. Someone who is emotionally available to you, and who wants to share their life with you. You said it best when you said you shouldn't play second fiddle to anyone... and you shouldn't!

[TheEvilJester]

I think you are on the right track. The only thing I would say is, as long as you get yourself out of this situation, don't beat yourself up too much. She was very obviously encouraging your attention. Not that it makes it okay necessarily, but it would have been a whole different story if you were actively pursuing her even though she was telling you to take a hike. She acted like she knew what she was doing was wrong, but then she did it anyway. So, she was actively encouraging your attention whether she admits it or not.

All the same, yes what you two did was maybe crossing the line, but I can at least understand that feeling of having a hard time controlling yourself around the person you want. That she encouraged your attention, even sought it out, only made that even harder on you.

However, I do think you are on the right track with your latest update. Just continue with the assumption that she's decided she is staying with her boyfriend. Maybe, in the end, she WON'T.... but for now it is best you just proceed as though she already decided to stay with him. Take time to heal. Take time to re-learn how to be happy just within yourself and to remember that there are plenty of other women out there. If it turns out she wasn't for you, somebody else will be.

While you are doing all that, if it just so happens that her and her boyfriend do break up after all, then maybe you can reach back out to her. I'd still say give her a little time. Maybe just say "Hey, I heard about your situation and am so sorry to hear what happened. Know that I am here for you if you need me." Heck, maybe don't even say that and just wait for her to come to you. If she does break up with her boyfriend, and it happens to coincide with a time when you are still available, then great. See if there is something worth pursuing them.

But, don't put your life on hold for something that may never happen, and don't torture yourself any longer than necessary. It's entirely possible she IS just using you to selfishly fulfill some needs she feels she isn't getting out of her relationship with no intention of ever actually being with you. It's equally possible that she legitimately DOES have feelings for you and is legitimately confused whether she wants to end things with her boyfriend or try to make it work. The thing is, the end result is no different for you unless she actually does decide to leave him.

So, why wait around hoping for one resolution vs. the other? You may just waste time and wind up alone in the end anyway. Instead, move on as though she's already decided to stay with him. If you meet somebody else in the interim and THEN she suddenly becomes available.... well, then that is her loss.

Good luck to you. You don't deserve to go through this kind of torture. Virtually nobody does. Take some time to be happy with you, to move on, and eventually find yourself a gal who is ready to be with you.

[RagnaRocke]

This update isn't as ground-breaking as the others - I just need some suggestions to help me.

I've moved to a new town now, which I'm hoping will make things easier. I've avoided contact with her for now. But in order to help things move along more smoothly for myself, I've been trying to keep very busy.

Being busy for me, means going to the gym, playing sports and other physical activies. It's the best way for me - personally - to keep my mind off of her and my feelings. But playing Rugby with some new people yesterday, (I thought I'd try and make some new friends, get into some local activities) after and event which was neither persons fault - just a bad collision - I have broken one of my fingers.

Doesn't sound like much, but the medic has advised no sports or gym for 6 weeks for fear of it not healing properly. Basically all I can do is go jogging, maybe do some sit ups and squats at home.

So my mind is going to torture me endlessly through the quiet patches - of which there will probably a lot. I can't even play my guitar right now. So, I'm just asking for any suggestions for good things to help keep my mind off things for a while?

A bit off topic, I know. Sorry it's not quite as dynamic as wats happened before, I try not to post unless something relevant has happened but I'm just a bit worried about how hard it's going to be for a while.

[melancholia]

Your updates don't need to be dramatic to be valid. You come here to get advice because it's a safe place to talk about what you're going through, and hopefully we can help offer some suggestions that might work for you.

I'm sorry to hear you injured yourself -- that does take a toll on your ability to exercise, but you can still find ways to stay active. Exercise is one of the best cures for stress, anxiety and depression. I'm not saying that you're depressed, but clearly you need a healthy outlet to be able to focus your energy somewhere other than this situation with the girl. I would definitely suggest jogging/running and calisthenics at home, or outside, or at the gym. Maybe take up swimming if there's a pool near your new place. If you can ride a bike, definitely do that. Whenever I'm sad or anxious, I go for a bike ride. It's really f8cking hard to be sad/angry/anxious when you're riding a bike - because it's so fun! Anything that can keep you active without having to use your fingers is a good start.

But you don't have to rely solely on exercise to find ways to distract yourself. Maybe check out the local arts clubs or live entertainment (if there is any) in your area. If there's a stand up comedy scene out where you are, I highly suggest checking out a show. Laughter really is the best cure for sadness, and it's a great distraction for sure. Maybe there's even a class you could take, like a language class, or cooking class, or something... I don't really know what's available in your area, but any way you can get involved with something outside of your house, that would allow you to get out and meet other people will definitely help. Connection with other people is really going to help you get through this. Making new friends is always fun and the best part of being in a new city is that you get to kind of reinvent yourself. I think that when you're stuck in one place for too long, around the same people, it is really difficult to make changes because we place a lot of value on other people's ideas of who we are and what we should be doing.

I think you need to learn to become your own best friend. You come across as a confident, self-assured person, but you're also really hard on yourself. I think you need to be a bit nicer to yourself and learn to let go of some of the mistakes you've made. We've all made mistakes, some bigger than others, but it doesn't define who you are. If you feel sad one day, or you miss her one day, that's OK. That's perfectly normal and understandable. But if you sit there and torture yourself by dwelling on "what could have been", then you are wasting precious time that you could use for so many other, better, more positive things. There will be days that are easier than others, and eventually, as you find your place in this new city, you will start to forget about this situation. You may never forget this woman completely, but you will move on eventually. Knowing there is an end to the pain is always helpful. You just need to be a little patient with yourself because it might take some time to get there.

[RagnaRocke]

A little update guys. She contacted me letting me know she was free today and wanted to hang out, she expressed an interest in coming to see my new place and I drove to pick her up.

I took her out for a walk before we went back and we had a bit of talk. She said she didn't want to see her boyfriend anymore after a few dates. She said she had slept wth him but didn't let him kiss her and said that she made it clear she was just letting off sexual frustration and it didn't mean anything. She said she was going to go on a few more dates with him, but it was only so she could let him down gently as she didn't want to hurt his feelings.

At mine, we talked a bit more and ended up making out again for a while. She hinted at sex with me, but I explained I didn't want to do that until things were settled with her boyfriend. She explained to me that she wanted to be with me, but planned to be single for a while first, but that didn't mean we couldn't see each other and she said she didn't want to see anyone else during that time, she just doesn't want to make it official with us straight away as it might look bad for both of us.

We ended up sleeping together in the end but she didn't stay, I drove her back to her family's house, as they weren't aware that she was seeing me. She kissed me in the car as I dropped her off and I later got a text saying someone had seen us kiss. She said her family were angry at first but ultimately ok with it. They asked a lot of questions about me and she said she just told them I was nice.

There is a get together that is unrelated to the situation, a mutual friend is having a get together for a few drinks that she, her boyfriend and I have all been invited to. She wants me to go (not as a couple, just to be there) but knowing her boyfriend will be there, it's complicated. She said it may well be over between them by then.

I wonder what the best course of action would be from here? Both regarding our relationship and this event.

[melancholia]

Wow, you really stuck to your guns with this one eh? What doesn't make any sense to me is that she wants to be with you, but she wants to be single first, but she doesn't want to see other people while she sees you casually? How does that work? Either you two are together or you're not, there shouldn't be any in between. Clearly it doesn't sound like you can keep things casual with her either, so this whole thing sounds like a complete mess. She needs to actually be single for a while, because if she can cast her BF and his feelings aside so easily, then she isn't ready for any type of relationship. Honestly, think about it. People in healthy, happy relationships don't cheat, and that's what she's been doing with you. How can you expect her to treat your relationship with any ounce of respect if she is blatantly doing the opposite in her current relationship?

What also doesn't make sense to me is why she can't just bite the bullet and break up with her BF. She is stringing both of you along while she gets to have her cake and eat it, too (for lack of a better cliche). She said she wants to break up with him, she had sex with him but it didn't mean anything (yeah right, *eye roll*), but she has to go on more dates with him to "let him down easy"?? Come on, that is complete bullsh.it. This is grossly selfish behavior she is displaying. She is showing through her actions that she doesn't care about anyone's feelings except her own. She should dump her boyfriend and put him out of his misery. I feel sorry for that guy at this point.

Did you two use protection when you slept together? I'm not asking this to be rude, I'm asking because sexual health is gravely important. Because if she slept with her BF without it, and then with you, you are all at a higher risk of STIs. Hopefully you did use a condom and won't have to worry about it, but if you didn't, I suggest you get a test.

I would not recommend going to that event when her boyfriend will be there. You sleep with his girlfriend and then show up at an event with both of them there, before she's actually broken up with him? Seriously, that would be such a d.ick move.

I hope that either she dumps her BF immediately, or someone tells him they saw you two together. Either way, I hope something gets the ball rolling here so all of you can stop playing this ridiculous child's game.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed in large part with melancholia. (I swear she's not paying me to say that, I just seem to agree with her a lot. ...By the way, melancholia, when do I get my five bucks? LOL!)

A lot of what she keeps telling you/doing just seems awfully fishy to me. I don't know if it is her intention, but it just makes my skin itchy with doubt. It just all seems too convenient, if you know what I mean. She doesn't want to be with her boyfriend anymore.... but she is still with him at the moment.... but they are going on a few dates to see if it can work..... but she's decided it isn't working and she wants to end it..... but she is reluctant to end it because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings..... but she doesn't want to go on any more dates with him.... but she's going to go out on a few more dates with him so she can let him down easily.... but she wants to be with you once it is over with him..... but she doesn't want to be with you immediately because she needs some time to be single..... but she still wants to be able to see you in the interim....

All of it just sounds like too much drama and too much uncertainty. All of it gives me major concerns that she just wants to string you along because she likes how it makes her feel having you around.... but that she has no actual intention of ever being with you. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. The thing is, if she really cared about you, why would she put you through all this? If she really cared about you, she'd want to deal with ending her current relationship, get herself to a place where she feels happy and healthy enough to start a new relationship, and THEN come back to you if you happen to still be open to her. If she really cared, shouldn't you be important enough to her not to risk hurting you so badly with all this back and forth emotional drama? Shouldn't you be important enough that she wouldn't want to ruin the chance of you two getting together?

And again, it is entirely possible we are all wrong. There is the possibility that she is 100% honest with you and is just going through a rough time in life right now. Happens to all of us now and then. However, I've said it before and I'll say it again.... you just can't wait around forever hoping that will turn out to be the case. Give her some time if that is what makes you feel right.... but don't wait for her forever. Eventually, if not sooner rather than later, you need to move on and look for love elsewhere. If fate should see fit to bring you two together, then let it. Otherwise, maybe your soulmate is elsewhere.

For now, though, you need to stop seeing her until she deals with all this. Easier said than done, I know, but by constantly getting together with her you are not doing her or yourself any favors.