What else is there to really salvage from this relationship if you stay? It sounds to me like you have a huge fear of being alone, but I think being alone is what you need right now. You will never be able to take this relationship to a successful place until you take some time for yourself. I recommend ending the relationship and taking time for some soul searching. I have no idea how much time you will need to be able to do that, it depends on how much damage you need to repair, but you cannot expect to fix a relationship with someone until you fix yourself. Your boyfriend still needs to fix himself as well, so I do not see this relationship ending well if you stay and continue to brush everything under the rug. It's good you told him, seeing as how his reaction was as positive as it could be, but why did you tell him? To ease your own guilt? Maybe you told him because deep down you felt like you don't deserve the relationship and you figured he would end it with you, instead of you having to be the one to break up with him again.
Look, break ups are hard, I get that. But you won't be able to move past any of this unless you allow yourself to. Tell yourself that you deserve better than misery, every single day, multiple times a day, until you actually believe it. Clearly your relationship was not in a good place, or you wouldn't have sought out solace from another person. I understand that breaking up is hard to do, and the reason you went back to him isn't because you thought things would become great again, it's because you were afraid to be on your own, and you decided to talk yourself back into the relationship because it's more comfortable to be miserable with another person than it is to be miserable alone. That's also the reason why you jumped into something with guy two; but is that really the right reason to be with someone? Just to ease the discomfort of having to go through life by yourself? Look at where these decisions have brought you, you don't sound happy, even though you deserve to be. You say you don't know what to do, but I think that's bullsh*t. I think you do know what you need to do, but you're scared to do it. Being scared is OK. It's natural, it's normal, it means you're human. But don't let fear control your life. You deserve to be happy, and if you continue to try to repair a relationship that is irreparable, you're going to end up exactly where you are now, having to make the same decision again, and you'll have to work through all of the pain and anguish again... wouldn't you rather do the hard part now, and start the process of healing now, before you waste another couple weeks, months, or years of your life?
I'm not saying that I know everything and that my advice is the only advice that's right... but what I am saying is you don't sound happy, and you are the only person who is in control of changing that. Only you can decide what is best for you, nobody else can do that. Until you decide you deserve better, you will stay stuck in this cycle of misery. I really, truly hope you can get to a place where you can be happy, with yourself and with another person.
Last edited by melancholia; 28-06-16 at 07:28 AM.
"Caring is not an advantage."