Essentially.
I'm writing this more as a venting situation, but input is appreciated. I'm trying not to cry as I type. I've been doing it all day since 7 this morning. I don't know what to do with myself. My phone is quiet, everyone is with their dates or at work. I just feel abandoned.
I woke up to a series of text messages this morning:
"I'm over thinking things and I don't like it."
"Its getting bad and I know they're stupid and wrong but what if they're right?"
When I responded, he basically said he had a rough night sleeping, hasn't slept so good for the past two weeks, and he notices that when he is angry or tired he starts to think of some very racist thoughts. He also starts to think a little too much:
"I was worrying that I'm racist and that we're a bad idea. Then I was thinking how different we are like how I want to go adventuring and seeing the scenic views while you wanted festivals and culture and I think I was over thinking stuff and I'm befundled."
Then:
"I make racist jokes and when I get sleepy and tired I start thinking VERY racist things and I'm still getting used to being with a black woman. I honestly never found black women attractive before but our personalities click so much that I can't help but know I'm wrong for thinking that and I know that sounds f*cked up but its so new to me. Its becoming more real every day. I never ever ever thought I'd wind up with a person of color and its so much to take in."
We've been dating for, officially, 4 months today. So, the I Love Yous, the care, the tenderness, the protection, the future life goals together, all of that was fake? Did he not notice I had melanin in my skin when he met me?
So I told him, that if he isn't feeling it, he isn't feeling it, and he should let me know.
His response: "I don't think im feeling it. We can talk all day and talk about literally anything in the world but if im honest with myself, im not feeling it. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry but I can't do this anymore."
Last night he was singing to me and telling me how crazy he was about me.
Sunday he was telling me how he thought about living his life without me, and he couldn't, it almost brought him to tears.
This is so sudden! Like, way out in left field. Did he think of this on his own? Did his parents tell him to stop seeing me? They always seemed so nice. His step mother was stuffing me with food on Sunday!
Why am I feeling so hurt by this? We only dated for 4 months. I cared about him deeply, but I cared about other guys I broken up with before, and I never ever cried.
I'm so angry. I'm so hurt. I want to call him, because I feel like it wasn't properly hashed out. It was over text, while he was at work, at 7 in the morning, and as soon as he said it was over, I said Bye, and ended the conversation.
I just want to know, if my skin color was such a problem, why did you go out with me? Why did you pick me and said hello? Why did you say you were falling in love with me?
Whats wrong with you?
Just....why.