Fell in love at a bad time

[Samharris]

I sincerely ask for your advice.

I have been chatting with a guy for a few months now. He lives in another country but is coming to visit me in a few days now. I have considered my single despite our some kind of internet-relationship, and recently I met this guy, who at first I thought would be just a fling and go away in a few days. To make a long story short we've been together almost every day now for almost two weeks. We are slowly falling in love, which is not what I expected, and I don't want to lose him. But my friend from abroad is coming soon after we've been excited to meet each other for several weeks, and the expectations have been quite high actually as we seem to be some kind of a match made in heaven even though we've never met.

Now my new love has become super jealous. I only told him that my friend is coming over for a week, but he seems to be able to do the math and is worried about what will happen between my distant friend and me. So what should I do now? Thank you.

[TheEvilJester]

That is an interesting situation in which you find yourself. If nothing else, I will say that one thing is very clear.... You've done nothing wrong. You already had the plans arranged for this other fella to come visit you before you and the new chap met and started to hit it off. So, this is just a matter of circumstance.

To be honest, I'm not 100% sure what would be the right thing to do (so hopefully some others from the board have some thoughts as well), but I do know what I think I am feeling is right given the situation. So, I can at least share my thoughts.

Again, you had the plans already set for the one guy to come visit you. Not only that, but as much as you two feel connected, you've only known this Mr. New Guy for a couple weeks or so. Furthermore, you've known Mr. First Guy for months. I would venture to guess/hope that you and Mr. New Guy (having known each other only about two weeks) are not yet considering yourselves exclusive, not yet considering yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend.

As much as you two have hit it off, you are still just dating. So, if nothing else, at the very least you at least owe it both to yourself and to Mr. First Guy to see how you to hit if off. Who knows? Maybe you and Mr. First Guy won't hit it off as much.... or will really hit it off, but only in a way where you feel like friends. Then it will no longer even matter.

On the other hand, as much as you hit it off with Mr. New Guy..... what if Mr. First Guy shows up and suddenly there is just something.... just some spark between the two of you and you just suddenly feel like he is the one? If you decide to cancel plans with him because of Mr. New Guy, then you may wind up just leaving yourself to wonder how things may have been between you and Mr. First Guy. You said yourself that the two of you seem to have a lot in common/seem to be a good match on paper. You should at least explore that.

If you'd met Mr. New Guy first, sure I'd have maybe said since you were really hitting it off with him, why risk that? In that case, my personal advice would have been not to set up a meeting with the other fella in the first place. But, you met the other guy first and even had the plans already in motion before this new fella came around. And, heck, even if you had plans in place.... if suddenly things went so well and you were just sure Mr. New Guy was THE ONE, then I'd say you regretfully explain that, with a sincere apology, to the first fella.

However, you two have only been together a couple weeks, so it really is too soon to decide that. So, maybe this is just me, but my personal advice is just that you should keep your plans. As for Mr. New Guy, it is understandable if that may worry him a little and/or he is a bit jealous. All you can really do is just explain it to him. Again, you met this guy first and even had the plans in place before meeting new guy, so you owe it to the first lad to stick to that. It is not at all a reflection on new guy, or you saying that you DON'T enjoy his company.

Good luck to you either way. I hope things go well with one of the two fellas and that you are able to move forward with one while avoiding, as much as possible, hurting the other in the process. Unfortunately, if you wind up moving forward with one of them, somebody is going to get hurt, but that's not your fault. That happens. Just be as nice about it as you can and hopefully they will understand and move on. Bottom line, it isn't like you owe anybody anything when you start dating. You two may not hit it off, or you may but maybe one of you hits it off just that much more with somebody else you are dating.

Again, good luck.