Starting to feel terrified

[vgomes]

Here’s another interesting story of my life.


I’ll try to keep this short, but here it goes:
I was invited to accept a new job, outside my city. I am now part of a team, i am one of the team leaders, actually. In that team there is a girl. We’ve met before, we’re been friends for 2 or 3 years now. She was here before my arrival, and since it was oficial that i was coming she’s been very found of it, texting me about it almost everyday. We even got at a point were we could share home, and we are. In my first weeks around nothing happened, but there was definitely a good chemistry between us. Even some of my colleagues said to me that it was obvious that there was some interest between us two, and that definitely something was going to happen, sooner or later. I tried not to take that too seriously, but truth is i like this girl.

This happened more than once: when we go out with our friends, we always sit close to each other, and almost every time we end up with our legs tangled together, she never moved her legs an inch to get some distance from me.

One night, we were in the house of a friend, and somehow we softly gave hands, in silence. There was just us in the room. We kept in silence, just slowly rubbing our fingers for a minute or two. No words about it, nothing more happened.

One or two days after she asked me if i could borrow her my car. When i got back to it i found a candy in the central console.

Yesterday it was our day off and i invited her to go to the beach. Great day, all good. While we were lying in the sand our hands came together again, but this time she didn’t react. She didn’t took her hand away, she just keep it there, close to mine, steady. I started to feel awkward and moved my hand away that time.

When she’s not working i get an occasional text message from her, just to say hi or so, and our life at home is very relaxed and amused.

Ok, this looks promising, but at the same time i’m starting to feel terrified that this is just the way she is (and she is very outgoing, extroverted), and there’s nothing happening between us. And i don’t want to push anything because i work with her (i’m her boss) and i live with her. This could be catastrophic. I'm swinging between getting my head straight and stop thinking about us or trying to find the calmness to keep things going as they are and... wait and see. What do you guys think?

Thanks for the time.

[Dream_of_Waves]

You should ask her if she'd like to date you. Ask her on another date, and make it clear that it's a date.

[Kates David]

She would n`t constantly demonstrate love and affection for her boss if she did n`t actually have any such feelings. She would simply quit her job. You said that there is chemistry, well, if there is any at all empathy between you why would you feel the need to ask the world as to her feelings. Surely, your senses must be able to extend this far? - You rejected her affection for you on the beach, and so now you do actually owe her the relationship/no relationship conversation. Girls may kiss you on the cheek, and give you a quick cuddle in the name of friendship, but they wont likely lay on the beach holding your hand, or even for that matter hold your hand at all. They certainly wont entwine their legs! You`ll just have to trust me on this one. Unless she is a prostitute, or perhaps is after something beyond just the relationship? - See how she responds when you ask favors of her. You trusted her to return your car, so see if she will trust you to return a sum of money. Trust me, you do n`t want a relationship with this girl if the terms are not balanced/if the love is not genuine. As for the work place, platonic love is no less love, and in many ways more exciting.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, she most likely wouldn't be crossing legs with you, holding hands with you, etc. if she was not interested. Now, don't get me wrong. It's not like that is 100% a definite sign she is interested. Some people are just more open/affectionate with people even when they are just friends. I myself have had female friends in the past who would reach out and hold my hand, or pat/rub my hand, or who were "huggers" so to speak. But, they were like that with everybody, so I didn't interpret it as them being interested in me as more than a friend.

So, it certainly could be that she is just a generally more affectionate person, but I think it is most likely a sign that there is some level of interest on her part. Honestly, you should just try to ask her out. You can maybe try to do so as casually as possible, almost as though you were asking out any other girl. Like, in other words, I would not necessarily recommend say grand romantic gesture hoping to win over her heart. Either she's interested or she's not. If you ask her out more casually and she's not interested, at least there is more of a chance she won't find it awkward and you can at least continue the friendship (if you even want to, that is).

As it is, I think she is giving you pretty clear signals that she is interested. The others who have responded seem to agree. Again, we could be wrong, but there really is only one way to find out.

Good luck to you.

[Kates David]

I agree with above, and would consider it most unlikely, even for the girls which are this tactile in "no interest physically" friendship, though I`ve never known one, that they would wish to give their boss the wrong idea. Unless of course it were the right one. Personal gain is another distinct possibility for these circumstances however, and is likely not so uncommon. Ask her out, yes, but are you not already asking her out/going out with her? Long before this time I`d of simply of asked her if I were allowed to kiss her on the lips. If she confirms then extend the duration a little. From here you will either have the extended kiss to the lips, or the "what nature of relationship is this" conversation, and either way you will know. No normal girl is this tactile if she`s only interested in a platonic relationship. You might tell her that you love her, but it`s already out there that you love each other is n`t it? If it were me I`d probably be over joyed with what I`d already got.

[vgomes]

Kates David, i was indeed feeling over joyed with all that was going. My insecurity striked only a few days ago, now that we are living together. I feel like i don't know how to behave at home.
Someone said above that i should casually ask her out on a date. I did, the day we went to the beach. She accept the invitation right away, and it was a good, relaxed day. Only akward moment was only when our hands touched again but i got no reaction from her to my cuddles. But truth is, she didn't changed her behaviour with me at all after that.

She is in fact very outgoing, but, apart from an occasional hugh to someone, i don't see her crossing legs or holding hands with nobody, and that makes me think.

I don't want to push anything to much. She is my friend, we are living together and working together. Ruining the friendship is a nightmare i don't want. I guess i'll try to take a deep breath and just be myself, same way i was until past week. I'll try not to push my expectations too high and then... i'll wait and see.

Thanks for your comments, please step in the conversation if you feel like it.

[TheEvilJester]

Wait, you live together? How exactly did that happen? It certainly is not unheard of.... but male and female friends don't tend to live together. That's usually something reserved for family and significant others. If you to actually live together, I think that is a pretty big, bold check in the "she probably likes you" column.

As it is, you wouldn't be pushing anything too much to just ask her out. You say you've already done that, so how is it you are still uncertain whether she likes you are more than a friend? When you asked her out, did you not make it clear that you were asking her on a date, and not just to hang out as a friend? At this point, that is really all you can do. That is the only way you are going to find out if she thinks of you just as a really close friend, or if she wants something more.

She has sent some pretty clear signals that would at least imply she probably wants more.... but again, she could just be an especially affectionate person. You won't know unless you try. Granted, ideally you shouldn't date a co-worker if you can help it, and especially when one of you is the other's boss. However, there may be ways you can deal with that if it becomes necessary. If you do start dating, one of you can transfer to a different department or something like that. Either way, though, nothing will ever happen if you don't try. Even if you try and it doesn't go well, wouldn't you at least rather no instead of having to keep wondering?

Good luck to you.

[vgomes]

The EvilJester, we share house because we're both working outside our cities. we are living and working 90km from our homes, and we rented a house together so we can keep costs down. But each one has their own bedroom and bath, that's it.

I'll keep things rolling as smootlhy as i can. Maybe it's just my impression, maybe i'm asking for too much, but i'll wait for another clear sign of her, as i'm not completely convinced yet that something is happening.

Thanks.

[Kates David]

Mind you, I`m a male of sixty years, and I currently have two girls living with me outside of a relationship. One is eighteen, the other nineteen, and they even pay me. If I were not charging they`d no doubt stay well clear. If they can trust an older guy then they can probably trust a younger one, do n`t you think? Not of course that younger ones are any more to be trusted. Living with somebody may be indicative of no more than trust, this not of course to try and down play trust: Those that are incapable of broadly communicating the level of their affections through their actions are compromised psychologically/they suffer from a pathological state of being.

[TheEvilJester]

The EvilJester, we share house because we're both working outside our cities. we are living and working 90km from our homes, and we rented a house together so we can keep costs down. But each one has their own bedroom and bath, that's it.

I'll keep things rolling as smootlhy as i can. Maybe it's just my impression, maybe i'm asking for too much, but i'll wait for another clear sign of her, as i'm not completely convinced yet that something is happening.

Thanks.

You have to do what feels right for you....

But how many signs does she have to send you before you just take a chance? Believe me, I understand how you may think that it is all just her being friendly and not necessarily indicative of her liking you as anything more than a friend. Honestly, I'm so clueless about that stuff myself that a gal could probably be slapping me over the head with hints and I'd be too unwilling to believe anybody could ever like me to catch it. Of course, honestly, nobody ever will, so it's not like I'll ever be able to test the theory anyway. But, it sounds like this girl most definitely likes you. Most of the other people responding seem to think so as well.

Hell, we could be wrong, but again... the only way you will know that is if you ask her out. As in ask her out on a date.... clearly a date. No ambiguity where she could think you are just asking her to hang out as a friend. Ask her out on a date. Otherwise, you are just always going to wonder.... and eventually lose your chance. Believe me. I did that my whole life because I was too shy. Now I HAVE no chances. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Maybe you'll ask this gal out and it will turn out she does just want to be friends. That will definitely suck if that happens.... but at least then you can move on. That will leave you free to get over her in time and eventually find somebody else. ....On the other hand, maybe she WILL like you. If that happened, wouldn't you be kicking yourself for even considering not giving it a shot?

Good luck to you either way. I can understand your reluctance, so I can't blame you if you decide not to risk it, or at least that you are not yet convinced it is worth it. I hope, for your sake, that you do, though. Good luck again.

[Kates David]

Any pending relationship, if it is going to work, wont be about your ego, will it, so in which case your ego is not getting in your way now, is it? - Those fastest to feeling let down/those with the most fragile ego are generally those quickest to anger. If she is n`t interested in you your advance has still been a positive one, has n`t it, for you have just paid her a considerable compliment. Do n`t think about yourself all the time. If you wish to benefit her with your caring, do n`t be selfish, at least give her an opportunity to benefit from it.