Is it wrong for me to ask for a bit of attenton from my gf?

[Clix]

Hi guys
I'm new to the forum so i'll get right to it as I'm a little confused on this one. I'm in a serious relationship with a girl for 7 months now. On paper we are opposites and things have progressed positively for the most part but we have our ups and downs.

But the most recent incident has left me with some doubts and wondering am I getting myself in to something that will end in disaster.
She has gone on holiday to Malaysia with family but her luggage didn't make it with her so I was there to comfort and ease her worries as would any caring guy (this happened over txt btw). Anyway the luggage came through the following day and everything was ok.

I have a long term medical condition which I try to deal with as best as I can and try not to burden her with my daily struggle but I was having a bad day to the point where I got sent home from work.
She txt me in the evening and could sense I wasn't my usual self but I didn't want to ruin her holiday so I just gave her an outline that I wasn't well and came home sick. Now usually she would comfort me and be attentive but she thought she would tell me about her day. She sensed I wasn't very interested so I apologised for not being more enthusiastic as I wasn't well, which was interpreted as sarcasm (not the first time over txt).
I asked her why she was being formal and clinical with me rather than her usual self. Her reply was she was thousands of miles away. She cant be there for me over txt (which has never been an issue before but all of a sudden its difficult?), I was attention seeking over something small which is usually her job, I was being a drama queen and needy. She wanted to be stress free on holiday and I was doing her head in.

All because I asked for 5 mins of her time and to say a few comforting words as you would expect any 'loving' girlfriend to do.
My reply was if I don't seek attention (which is rare) from my gf then who should I go to? There needs to be a bit of give and take and If I can be there for you to comfort you after a long flight and ease your worries about you luggage then why isn't it reciprocated? After half hr of back and forth txting she apologised and we sort of made up.

Unfortunately that was short lived as we argued over something petty the following day and she asked for space for the duration of the holiday to which I agreed.

Now personally I don't think I was being needy or a drama queen. I was just calling out to my gf in a time of need. It casts a doubt in my mind because I feel I'm investing more in this relationship than she is and if she can't be there for me the way i'm there for her regardless of the time of day or situation then i'd rather quit now while i'm ahead.
Your thoughts please?
Thanks

[AdminOnline]

Hello Clix, welcome aboard. Enjoy your visits.

[melancholia]

Hi guys
I'm new to the forum so i'll get right to it as I'm a little confused on this one. I'm in a serious relationship with a girl for 7 months now. On paper we are opposites and things have progressed positively for the most part but we have our ups and downs.

But the most recent incident has left me with some doubts and wondering am I getting myself in to something that will end in disaster.
She has gone on holiday to Malaysia with family but her luggage didn't make it with her so I was there to comfort and ease her worries as would any caring guy (this happened over txt btw). Anyway the luggage came through the following day and everything was ok.

How considerate of you!

I have a long term medical condition which I try to deal with as best as I can and try not to burden her with my daily struggle but I was having a bad day to the point where I got sent home from work.

Is your girlfriend aware of your health condition? How much does she really know about your situation?

She txt me in the evening and could sense I wasn't my usual self but I didn't want to ruin her holiday so I just gave her an outline that I wasn't well and came home sick. Now usually she would comfort me and be attentive but she thought she would tell me about her day. She sensed I wasn't very interested so I apologised for not being more enthusiastic as I wasn't well, which was interpreted as sarcasm (not the first time over txt).

How can you expect her to be more comforting and attentive when you try and hide how you are actually feeling? You should have just been honest with her about how you were feeling ill, and she probably would have been more receptive to your situation.

I asked her why she was being formal and clinical with me rather than her usual self. Her reply was she was thousands of miles away. She cant be there for me over txt (which has never been an issue before but all of a sudden its difficult?), I was attention seeking over something small which is usually her job, I was being a drama queen and needy. She wanted to be stress free on holiday and I was doing her head in.

I understand where both of you are coming from. You feel like your feelings were invalidated by her refusal to comfort you in your time of need. However, you weren't upfront about the seriousness of your condition, and it's understandable that she would want to enjoy her holiday while she's away with her family.

All because I asked for 5 mins of her time and to say a few comforting words as you would expect any 'loving' girlfriend to do.
My reply was if I don't seek attention (which is rare) from my gf then who should I go to? There needs to be a bit of give and take and If I can be there for you to comfort you after a long flight and ease your worries about you luggage then why isn't it reciprocated?

This is the only time you actually told her how you felt and what you needed from her. Nobody is a mind reader, so if you have needs that your partner isn't meeting, you need to let them know how you feel and what they can do to help you. Is your girlfriend your only source of companion? Do you have other friends/family members you can lean on besides her? I'm not saying that your girlfriend shouldn't be your first option when you need someone, but if she's not available (i.e. on vacation), it's important to have other people as a support system so that you always have someone around to help you out in times of need.

Unfortunately that was short lived as we argued over something petty the following day and she asked for space for the duration of the holiday to which I agreed.

Now personally I don't think I was being needy or a drama queen. I was just calling out to my gf in a time of need. It casts a doubt in my mind because I feel I'm investing more in this relationship than she is and if she can't be there for me the way i'm there for her regardless of the time of day or situation then i'd rather quit now while i'm ahead.
Your thoughts please?
Thanks

It's hard to say whether you were being needy/drama Queen-y, but your girlfriend got that impression from your behavior. I think your biggest problem here is that all of this discussion happened through text, which is notorious for causing errors in communication and lack of vocalization of your needs/feelings. You need to talk to her about what you need from her in order to feel more secure in this relationship. Maybe she needs more independence and alone time than you do, and that's ok. What is important is that both of you talk so you can put those needs out on the table, so the other person is aware and can make an effort to accommodate them. She won't know how you feel unless you tell her. However, it's not fair for her to dismiss your needs after you've disclosed them to her. So if she can't give you what you need after you've talked to her about it, then you may need to re-evaluate the relationship. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, and the two of you can have a good discussion about this when she returns from her trip. Until then, let her enjoy her vacation and focus on feeling better and enjoying yourself for the time being.

[Clix]

How considerate of you!

Is your girlfriend aware of your health condition? How much does she really know about your situation?

How can you expect her to be more comforting and attentive when you try and hide how you are actually feeling? You should have just been honest with her about how you were feeling ill, and she probably would have been more receptive to your situation.

I understand where both of you are coming from. You feel like your feelings were invalidated by her refusal to comfort you in your time of need. However, you weren't upfront about the seriousness of your condition, and it's understandable that she would want to enjoy her holiday while she's away with her family.

This is the only time you actually told her how you felt and what you needed from her. Nobody is a mind reader, so if you have needs that your partner isn't meeting, you need to let them know how you feel and what they can do to help you. Is your girlfriend your only source of companion? Do you have other friends/family members you can lean on besides her? I'm not saying that your girlfriend shouldn't be your first option when you need someone, but if she's not available (i.e. on vacation), it's important to have other people as a support system so that you always have someone around to help you out in times of need.

It's hard to say whether you were being needy/drama Queen-y, but your girlfriend got that impression from your behavior. I think your biggest problem here is that all of this discussion happened through text, which is notorious for causing errors in communication and lack of vocalization of your needs/feelings. You need to talk to her about what you need from her in order to feel more secure in this relationship. Maybe she needs more independence and alone time than you do, and that's ok. What is important is that both of you talk so you can put those needs out on the table, so the other person is aware and can make an effort to accommodate them. She won't know how you feel unless you tell her. However, it's not fair for her to dismiss your needs after you've disclosed them to her. So if she can't give you what you need after you've talked to her about it, then you may need to re-evaluate the relationship. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, and the two of you can have a good discussion about this when she returns from her trip. Until then, let her enjoy her vacation and focus on feeling better and enjoying yourself for the time being.

Yes, she is fully aware of my condition. She's been to a couple of appointments with me.


As I mentioned earlier I didn't want to ruin her holiday. Though that being said she is normally more persistent and gets it out of me.


No she is not the only source of companion though she is usually my first point of contact. I have a couple of friends and family as support if needed.


I know my gf enough to say that she does use the 'needy' card when she wants to be left alone or doesn't want to make time for me. But I agree that main cause of the argument was due to the medium of txt which causes a lot of problems. In fact the lost few disagreement have been over txt.
But how do i approach the subject without it blowing up because i'm quite angry and disappointed she shut me out like that. I mean I respect a persons space hence I agreed but I was not happy about it.

[melancholia]

But instead of just telling her how you felt, and that you were ill, you expected her to assume how you were feeling, and act accordingly by being more supportive. That is passive aggressive behavior and it doesn't work. If you had told her straight up, that you were feeling sick and had to go home from work because of it, I am sure she would have made more of an effort to show concern and be supportive. You can't expect someone to behave in a specific way unless you communicate your needs.

Maybe you should talk over the phone/skype instead of texting. Even talking on the phone is better than text because it's easier to interpret a person's tone and context of the discussion when you hear a person's voice. Of course, face to face communication is always better, but if you can't be face to face, over the phone is definitely better.

I think your best bet is to wait to bring this up when you aren't so angry. Bring it up at a neutral time, when you are both relaxed and comfortable, and make sure to use "I feel statements". Use language that is non-confrontational and non-judgmental. For example: "I feel hurt/sad/angry when you call me needy, because it invalidates my feelings. I need you to listen when I'm going through a hard time, because that makes me feel good/happy/loved". Clearly, these are just examples of what you could say to her. The best way to fix this issue, is to talk to her about it. Hopefully it works out well for you both!

[Orkid33]

Hi eveyone,

[pcmaster]

Hi ! Ha ha ha