Does he only want sex?

[melancholia]

There is a difference between being disrespectful toward your desire to wait, and voicing one's own desires about sex. Clearly he does respect your desire to wait, because he is still with you. However, he has needs, too. It's important for him to be able to communicate that with you, and for you to listen and respect his needs as well. It doesn't mean you have to give in and have sex before you are ready, but it does mean that you need to acknowledge his position here. You are in a relationship together, so both of you have needs and expectations, and it's important that you both put effort in to make the other person feel like their needs are important.

[mikumiku]

Yeah well my needs is that he shut up and not mention how he is sexually frustrated period. NONE of my previous guys ever mentioned how they were sexually frustrated. Don't you see that point of view, of where I am coming from here and how I don't want him to mention it? If he mentions it, it just upsets me, and yes I have told him this and yet it keeps happening. I just don't know what to do.

[Jffs24]

If he's been toughing it all this time he must love you, because most guys wouldn't wait that long otherwise. How do you show him you appreciate him waiting?

[mikumiku]

I tell him I love you, I would like to show him I love him by us doing intimate things but he doesn't come over so we can't do anything without him being here physically.

[melancholia]

What kinds of intimate things do you want to do with him? Why doesn't he come over to your place?

[mikumiku]

Him and I have done intimate acts, oral sex, hand jobs, fingered, made out, kissed, held hands, hugged, cuddled, etc. But him and I don't be intimate that much anymore, it went from him and I seeing each other once a week, every week to us being now, of only seeing each other once a month, or twice a month. He says he doesn't want to come over and see me, because he doesn't like my attitude, and negative attitude, and he feels stressed, drained, pressured, and he doesn't like us fighting everyday and hearing me crying everyday. If he would just come over and see me, instead of telling me no alll the time I wouldn't upset all the time.

He says he can't come over nowadays because he is trying to save money. He has to save money to have a future with me, so him saving money from his on and off jobs, towards saving for us getting a house or apartment. I don't work, I have been applying to places, and waiting to get a call for an interview.

He says he knows I want to wait to have sex, and wait until marriage to do that, he understands. But he says his point of view is this, if we have sex, he wants that close-ness and bonding that sex brings with your partner, and that relationship. He says if there isn't sex in the relationship, at least his viewing points, then there is no relationship.

I get his point, he wants that bonding and close-ness I get that but he still has to wait it out so. Him and I were doing fine after our talk on May 6th, but the same patterns crept up as of yesturday and will probably keep on going too. He says he wants us to break up, but then again he wants us to be together, he says hes frustrated and this and that etc. I just don't know what to do, I want us to work I really do. But part of me is already wanting to give up.

[hazey daisy]

Not sure why you would put up with a guy that is selfishly badgering you constantly. IMO he doesn't respect you, or care about how it makes you feel. I think you should take a break from each other to teach him if he doesn't shut up, he won't have a GF anymore. It's a drastic measure but if he isn't willing to change his ways through normal means of communication then what else are ya gonna a do.

[twooddtrees]

a 30 yo virgin? You will find it harder and harder to date as you continue. This is entering midlife. At this point we get past the insecurities and weirdness of dating. We learn how great a true relationship is, and we get better at sex, and learn how amazing it can be when you love the person and how close it brings you. Why would a midlife man waste time? Honestly, to me, as a man, it sounds like you are using sex as a carrot. Also, people suck at it to begin. I am 43, I would not want to have to teach someone how to do it. I want to move forward. I think you need to really think what s holding you up. You may be scarred, and it will get harder and harder as you get older. Also, on a side note, you could perform oral sex on him.

[Wakeup]

Yeah well my needs is that he shut up and not mention how he is sexually frustrated period. NONE of my previous guys ever mentioned how they were sexually frustrated. Don't you see that point of view, of where I am coming from here and how I don't want him to mention it? If he mentions it, it just upsets me, and yes I have told him this and yet it keeps happening. I just don't know what to do.

How many "previous guys" have you gone through? You're 30 years old and you're still without a committed lifemate. Maybe your expectations are a little outdated in this day and age. If you can talk like you do and not even be the least bit tempted then Its arguable that you're going to be a cold and lack sensuality/sexuality/desire should you ever become this man's (any man's) bride.

If I were him, I'd add myself to the "previous guys" growing list and find someone who likes to get down. He currently is with you for more then sex but my guess is he's getting tired of this wall you have up. Do you do anything sexual with him like blow jobs or hand jobs, oral for you? Anything? If you do, then I agree he should just shut up and wait to enter you until he figures out if he wants to marry you and gets that done.

[hazey daisy]

Ya they do other stuff....read this in one of her many threads. He just wants the emotional connection with having vaginal sex. I doubt that it is true, he just wants to make sure the sex will be good before committing to a marriage. I don't blame him for trying, but I do blame him for being so stupid for wasting his time with this crap.