Break up after a break up

[Missleo26]

Hi everyone!

For anyone who can be asked to read through this, please help me!

January 2016, I left a 4 year dead end relationship with a man who cares more about alcohol and cannabis than he did me. I suffered emotional and financial abuse for the most part of our relationship. I was desperately unhappy however I knew what the consequences would be if I left him. He's an emotional unstable man. When I finally plucked up the courage to leave the man I loved because I couldn't take the constant heart break and broken promises anymore, he wouldn't leave me alone and my drug habit tripled in a month. I could see the path I was going down so I decided to get away from the UK to gain some space and breathing room so I could decide what do next.

February 2016. I land in Melbourne to start my new adventure and discover myself again. Day one I met this guy, we hit it off straight away. We were both staying in the same hostel. We went on date and things moved quickly from there. We moved hostels together into a double room. He was possessive and got angry if i wanted to go out without him or if a guys name came up on my Facebook. I gave him heaps of money because he didn't have work at the time, I stopped going out to keep the peace and he didn't trust me one bit. After a huge fight, I decided to move to another hostel by myself but still see him. He got his own places on the outskirts of Melbourne and it wasn't long before he convinced me to move in with him. So I did.

We struggled a lot, I was out of work for 2 weeks and he was between jobs, we had no social life and have moved ourselves away from everyone we knew. He agreed to come travelling with me then decided he didn't and that he wanted to go to New Zealand. We compromised and the plan was to travel this year and go to New Zealand next year. I'm a backpacker he's not. That plan is now slowly fading into what he wants to do with no consideration for what I want. We've said I love you to each other however I felt forced into it, he said it first and then moaned when I didn't say it back so I felt like I had to.

He makes me laugh a lot, the sex is good when he's not thinking about himself only, he works hard and I think he genuinely cares about me. He's not a bad person and he has his own dilemmas etc as we all do. Skip to present day and we are still living together in a cabin on the outskirts of Melbourne. We have no savings and sometimes struggle to live week to week. He's not possessive anymore but that's because there is none he can get funny about. I don't go out at all and if I do its with him.

I feel tapped, bored and like I'm letting my life slip away. I want out but I have no money, no car, no friends. I'm stuck. I am desperate to be single and I don't know I managed to get myself in a full time relationship again. How do I leave him without hurting him and without having to keep living together for ages? Why am I in this relationship? I can't seem to get my thoughts in line. I'm all over the place.

Help me...

[hazey daisy]

Who gives a crap about hurting him...this guy has ruined your life or if you haven't noticed. He is not a good guy, he is a money sucking, controlling jerk that doesn't appriciate you unless he has you under his thumb.

Call someone and borrow some cash to fly to another city where you sleep on a friend's couch til you get back on your feet.

Tip: stop this pattern of dating %$^holes. YOU never give anyone money, ever ever ever!!! You never let a guy tell you what you can and cannot do. You never date a guy that searches through your phone or social media. You need to take a break and be single for a few years to gain your independence, your self worth, your self respect and discover your individualism. A man doesn't give you a life, YOU DO.

[melancholia]

Hi everyone!

For anyone who can be asked to read through this, please help me!

January 2016, I left a 4 year dead end relationship with a man who cares more about alcohol and cannabis than he did me. I suffered emotional and financial abuse for the most part of our relationship. I was desperately unhappy however I knew what the consequences would be if I left him. He's an emotional unstable man. When I finally plucked up the courage to leave the man I loved because I couldn't take the constant heart break and broken promises anymore, he wouldn't leave me alone and my drug habit tripled in a month. I could see the path I was going down so I decided to get away from the UK to gain some space and breathing room so I could decide what do next.

That is rough. Three years ago I left a five year relationship I'd had with a man who was addicted to opiates and alcohol. So I completely understand the turmoil of being in a relationship with an addict. You did the right thing by leaving, even though it was hard to do. You should be proud of yourself for doing that because you are better off without him.

February 2016. I land in Melbourne to start my new adventure and discover myself again. Day one I met this guy, we hit it off straight away. We were both staying in the same hostel. We went on date and things moved quickly from there.

I think this is pretty typical for people after they leave a difficult and tumultuous relationship. However, it is clear you did not give yourself enough time to be alone. You are repeating the same mistakes you made from your previous relationship, and you are bringing them into this new one. You didn't have time to find clarity and make sense of the break up you had before. You got excited at the prospect of a new love interest (understandable, and normal); but you are holding on to someone who doesn't treat you well. I know that because you go on to say...

He was possessive and got angry if i wanted to go out without him or if a guys name came up on my Facebook. I gave him heaps of money because he didn't have work at the time, I stopped going out to keep the peace and he didn't trust me one bit. After a huge fight, I decided to move to another hostel by myself but still see him. He got his own places on the outskirts of Melbourne and it wasn't long before he convinced me to move in with him. So I did.

Moving quickly happens for a lot of people, whether they are fresh out of a breakup or not. Had you been able to slow the pace of this relationship, it would have been easier to notice the warning signs of abuse. Remember, there is "cute jealous" and then there's Othello. It's one thing if someone gets a little jealous, because jealousy is a natural, human emotion. But how they respond to those feelings is what matters, and it sounds like he has a very unhealthy way of managing those feelings.

We struggled a lot, I was out of work for 2 weeks and he was between jobs, we had no social life and have moved ourselves away from everyone we knew. He agreed to come travelling with me then decided he didn't and that he wanted to go to New Zealand. We compromised and the plan was to travel this year and go to New Zealand next year. I'm a backpacker he's not. That plan is now slowly fading into what he wants to do with no consideration for what I want.

Why would you bother being with someone who treats you this way? You sound like a smart, self-aware person, yet you continue to talk yourself into staying with someone who is abusive to you. Why is that? Do you not believe that you deserve better?

We've said I love you to each other however I felt forced into it, he said it first and then moaned when I didn't say it back so I felt like I had to.

This is one of the key points you've made here. You are not in love, and even if you were, he is abusive. Why do you allow yourself to stay trapped in a relationship like this? What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

He makes me laugh a lot,

So can a comedy show on Netflix.

the sex is good when he's not thinking about himself only,

That doesn't sound like good sex to me at all.

he works hard and I think he genuinely cares about me. He's not a bad person and he has his own dilemmas etc as we all do.

What has he done that shows you he cares about you? Other than simply saying he does? What actions does he use to make you feel loved, respected, happy?

Skip to present day and we are still living together in a cabin on the outskirts of Melbourne. We have no savings and sometimes struggle to live week to week. He's not possessive anymore but that's because there is none he can get funny about. I don't go out at all and if I do its with him.

This is a very juxtaposed paragraph. You said he is not possessive, yet you feel like you can't leave the house unless he is with you? Does that not strike you as odd, and unhealthy? If it doesn't, it should. This is classic codependency and he is still possessive, because there is no way he could miraculously change his behavior within a few weeks. He is acting this way because you are performing the way he wants. For now. When you start to gain any sense of independence, and when he notices that you are unhappy with the way things are, the possessive and abusive behavior will return full force. That is the way abusers work, my friend.

I feel tapped, bored and like I'm letting my life slip away. I want out but I have no money, no car, no friends. I'm stuck. I am desperate to be single and I don't know I managed to get myself in a full time relationship again. How do I leave him without hurting him and without having to keep living together for ages? Why am I in this relationship? I can't seem to get my thoughts in line. I'm all over the place.

Help me...

I am glad you are reaching out for help, even if it's on an online forum such as this. It's a first step, and you should be proud of yourself for taking that step. I am proud of you for it! Realizing that the relationship is unhealthy is the first, and most critical thing you can do. Is there anyone in your family or circle of friends that can help you out financially? Even just a little, at least so you can get out of where you are living and away from this person? I worry that when you are ready to leave him (because you WILL get there, even if it seems impossible right now), that you won't have a safe place to stay once you leave. Even a women's shelter or hostel would be safer, as long as he does not know where you are located. The most dangerous time for someone who is in an abusive relationship, is right after a break up. Because the abuser will freak out and try to find you. I can't say if he would go so far as to hurt you or not, but you should NOT take your chances. You need a game plan, honey. And you need to build up your self-esteem. Start asking yourself the tough questions, like: "what do I really want out of a relationship?"; "why do I allow someone to treat me this way?"; "what am I actually getting out of this relationship?"; and, more importantly, "how long am I willing to put up with this behavior?" I am going to say something that might sound odd to you right now, and it may be hard to believe; because I thought the same thing when my mother told me this: You are actually in the position of power here. He thinks he is in the power position because you are bending to his expectations, but he cannot control you no matter how hard he tries. You are choosing to behave in the way he wants, and why is that? Because it's easier to do what he says, and act how he wants, because it keeps the mood calm. Every move you make will affect the energy in your house. Clearly, you can tolerate a lot of bullsh*t behavior and you are a forgiving person, which are great qualities to have, except it is not working to your benefit, it only works for his. You won't be able to leave without hurting him, but you need to think about yourself and your needs right now. Put yourself first, before anyone else. Do what is best for you, and you said so yourself that you are "desperate to be single" and you "feel trapped, bored, and like you are letting your life slip away"... do not for one second believe that you should bend to his needs at the expense of yours. We often talk ourselves out of what we truly want, because it's easier to deal with those feelings in the moment. But you are only delaying the inevitable, and you should not be wasting your time on someone who does not have the capacity to treat you properly.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you can reach out to a counselor, or some kind of women's service to get yourself OUT of this situation. The sooner you get out, the easier it will be to move forward. It's not going to be easy, but it will be the absolute best thing you can possibly do for yourself. I believe in you. I believe you are strong enough to get out, and through this pain you are feeling right now. I know how hard it is to take that first step, but believe me when I say you can make it through this and come out a better person than you are right now. This will be a true test to your emotional capacity, and even though it is emotionally excruciating right now, I know you can do it.

Best of luck to you, dear one.

Big Love,
Melancholia

[Missleo26]

** UPDATE **

We had a discussion last night where he told me he wasn't happy and he knows we aren't going to last. I agreed with him. He kept flipping between this isn't going to work, to I love you and don't want to lose you. Is he purposely trying to f*ck with my head?

I go to America in August to see my family who are travelling from the uk so he said that if we wait until after America and we will see how we feel. It's just confusing me even more. I got the feeling he wants me to break up with him, I don't think he wants this anymore but doesn't have the guts to break up with me. The way I feel changes day to day, one day I'm head over heels the next I'm clawing to get out.

Am I creating this problem myself? Am I focussing too much on what he's doing wrong rather than what I'm doing wrong?

I appreciate both of your posts and I understand the logic behind them both. I'm just struggling to piece together my thoughts and what my long term plan is.

[TheEvilJester]

Sometimes in life, we can't help but self-sabotage. We elevate problems that aren't as bad as we seem to think.... or we create problems where there shouldn't really be any.

....Yeah this is NOT one of those times. NO, you are NOT focusing too much on what he is doing wrong. If you hate the sound he makes when he's eating hard food like pretzel sticks or cookies.... yeah, maybe you are focusing too much on something that shouldn't matter. If he likes a TV show you hate.... yeah, maybe you are focusing too much on something that shouldn't matter.

This guy does not treat you right. The things you describe are not you focusing too much on little things.... it is legitimate reasons why this guy so obviously does not deserve you. I mean, look at the few good things you were even able to say about him.....

The sex is good...... WHEN he actually can be bothered to think of your needs instead of just caring about himself.

He no longer seems quite as possessive...... BECAUSE there's really nobody around right now to cause him any need to be so possessive. Hell, the fact that he makes you laugh is about the only nice thing you were able to say about him that didn't have a "but..." attached. As melancholia pointed out, there are plenty of other ways to get a laugh. Hell, friends can make you laugh.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean this to sound in any way like I'm blaming you, so I hope it doesn't come across that way. Believe me, I understand. I was trapped for way too long in a bad relationship, largely in part because I kept telling myself "No, she's a good person, she just has XYZ issues." I kept trying to convince myself that this person was worth keeping in my life. Worth fighting to keep. Hell... sometimes it CAN be worth it fighting for a relationship.

...But sometimes it is much better to just realize that it is the wrong relationship, and/or that you deserve better. I took way too long to realize that myself, and I really hope you don't have to make my mistake. You deserve so much better. Believe me, I can understand how sometimes you just so badly want to connect with SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, that it can be tempting to just let it be anybody. It can be tempting to cling to somebody even when you deserve so much better. Hell, I myself have frankly lost hope I'll ever find that special somebody. I hope someday fate proves me wrong, but these days I just cannot see through the dark clouds. ....But let me tell you something.... I am still a million times happier alone than I was trapped in a terrible relationship.

Please care enough about yourself to realize you deserve better. You are a good person for worrying about his feelings. Your goal certainly shouldn't be to intentionally hurt him. However, you should not be so worried about his feelings that you allow yourself to be stuck in an abusive, unhappy relationship just to spare his feelings. Hell, if nothing else, he certainly hasn't exhibited a whole lot of concern for your feelings given the way he has treated you.

Good luck to you. Take some time to yourself. To just be single. Re-learn to be happy with you and re-meet a super awesome person who has been right under your nose all along.... YOURSELF. In time, if you still wish to, you WILL find that special somebody. You will find the fella who will make you almost want to go back in time and shake past you, screaming "What the Hell was wrong with you/me/us?!" LOL!

I hope you find that special someone very soon. Good luck to you.

[melancholia]

** UPDATE **

We had a discussion last night where he told me he wasn't happy and he knows we aren't going to last. I agreed with him. He kept flipping between this isn't going to work, to I love you and don't want to lose you. Is he purposely trying to f*ck with my head?

I don't think he is trying to f*ck with your head, so much as he is also trying to sort this out. He can obviously see this isn't working, and it's not making either of you happy. Why would either of you want to torture yourself by staying with someone who holds you back from being happy?

Am I creating this problem myself? Am I focussing too much on what he's doing wrong rather than what I'm doing wrong?

YES. You are creating this problem yourself. You are focusing way too much on what he is doing. However, instead of focusing on what you are doing wrong, you should start focusing on what you need to start doing. Which is break up with him, even though it's hard, and do whatever you can to repair the brokenness inside of you. Unless you do that, you will repeat this cycle over and over. Stop tricking yourself into staying with a person who doesn't deserve you. Even he knows he doesn't, yet you are somehow still convinced that this relationship is right for you in some way... why on Earth would you tell yourself that you deserve less than the best from a relationship?

I appreciate both of your posts and I understand the logic behind them both. I'm just struggling to piece together my thoughts and what my long term plan is.

It's understandable that you are feeling all sorts of things right now. Every time you start lingering on what you should do, start reminding yourself that you have worth, and that you deserve better. Tell yourself that every day, as many times a day as you can, until you actually believe it. Stop waiting around for this relationship to change. It won't. Only you have the power to change your behavior, and until you realize that you deserve better, you will be stuck in this same place... is that what you want? It certainly doesn't sound like it.