Risky Business

[Ohwhatfun]

I need to seek out some advice ....

I am recently divorced and have started dating again after a year. I have a four year old son with special needs who has an extreme sensory processing disorder. I have what is known as full custody in the state of Illinois. His mother sees him once every other weekend. It's VERY important to me that individuals understand he is tops and requires a lot of attention.

I've been on dates with three people in the past. And then comes number four. We talked for about three weeks before we decided to meet. We would text constantly and talked on the phone for sometimes two hours before bed. She's very witty yet has this complexity about her that drove me batty. She knew about my son but I was still hesitant. We finally decided to meet. Things went well and we chatted over dinner. I opened up to her about my divorce and the causes. She was extremely understanding and cool about it. It was a win. But we didn't get to my concern which was in the long run could she understand my son.

the next day I sent her and off the wall text saying I was done for now but in sometime. So what I basically meant was I needed time to analyze the issue. She took it as rejection and said going out again was a hard no. We battled sometime via text and finally she said we could talk again but asked me to simmer for a few days.

What does her response mean? I am worried she is now completely shut off and didn't understand what I meant.

[hazey daisy]

You know... you can keep your personal life with your son, and your dating life separate which a lot of people do when they have a complicated private life. What you should do is just concern yourself with is not looking for another wife, but a companion. Someone to date, have sex with, enjoy a good time. Finding someone to be a step mom for your son is a complicated task and is a long long way off. You have only been divorced for a year....relax and just have fun.....stop over thinking things. You start analyzing, backing off from someone you are going to end up alone....a lot. You got a little too heavy with her, so I can see why she had a change of heart.

[Ohwhatfun]

So even though she is saying simmer down and contact her later you think it's just a simple no for her ....

[TheEvilJester]

We can only really speculate. It's not like we can read her mind, so we don't know for sure what she is thinking. The thing is, it very well could be a hard no on her part, or it could have just been a slight misunderstanding and she will be willing to revisit the idea of going out on more dates in time.

If you think you'd want to date her again, then maybe just when you feel ready, reach out to her again and see how it goes. That's really the only way you will know. If you try again. If she's not interested, then move on.

I will say this, I agree with hazy. There's no reason you can't take care of your son while also having a social life of your own. If you feel like your son takes enough of your time that you can't see starting a serious relationship right now, then fine. If so, just make that clear to anybody you date right off the bat that you just don't have the flexibility to have anything serious. Either they will be okay with that, or they won't. If they are not, don't date them. If they are okay with it, date them and let things just happen naturally.

Believe me, I know you did not mean to lead her on, but that is probably exactly how she feels. Instead of just continuing to date her and letting things just go however they would go naturally, you basically told her "I really like seeing you, but I can't date you anymore right now. But... maybe soon." I mean, I know it wasn't your intention, but how do you NOT see how she could maybe take that as you trying to let her down gently? Again, I understand you didn't mean it to come across that way. Not meaning to blame you, I'm just saying that may be why she reacted so poorly.

You are awesome for taking care of your son, by the way. But, taking care of him doesn't have to mean you don't get to take care of yourself. Since he has special needs, he should come first. You are right about that. But, that doesn't mean you can't also have a special someone if you want. Just be open and honest with all potential dates about where you are as far as the dating scene and why. Eventually you will find the right gal who understands and is okay with that. Eventually, you may even find somebody who, in time, you may want to build to a more and more serious relationship.

Good luck to you!

[Ohwhatfun]

Thanks for the advice, however, now the story takes a rather crazy turn. It turns out she is married. She lied to me about her age, high school, marital status, children, brother, and sister. To this date I have found a total of THREE different online personalities she uses. I have NO clue how she kept it from her husband.

I live in the far western subs of Chicago. She SAID she lives in the city. However, it appears she also has a home in the northwest subs of Indiana with her husband. Chalk that one up .... I really liked her a lot

[hazey daisy]

One last bit of advice.....if you do meet someone you really like, do a background check. Google is a very useful tool.

[Ohwhatfun]

and one last bit of advice .... this is what I did after I figured out her REAL name. it's a little tough with a false name

[hazey daisy]

Most women do a background check....there are more shady married men out there than women. These days you kinda have to which is pretty sad IMO....you just can't trust anyone.

So what made you decide to look into her back ground??

[Ohwhatfun]

Most women do a background check....there are more shady married men out there than women. These days you kinda have to which is pretty sad IMO....you just can't trust anyone.

So what made you decide to look into her back ground??

She was always "watching the clock" on dates. Granted she said she lived in the city which can be a hike home. I still don't know if possibly she's in the initial stages of a divorced and was just ashamed to share. If she's going through a divorce that's fine with me. But it's odd because my search shows she has a house in Valparaiso, Indiana about 1 hour from the city and possibly still has one in the city. If she truly lived in Valparaiso it would be two hours to drive to see me. This all doesn't make much sense.

[DatingAlpha]

Is she the one who told you the truth she is married? If yes, then she already crossed you out.

And regarding your dating "situation", it doesn't really matter if you can make the woman want you so much that nothing else matters. She will find ways to adjust for your son's situation just to be with you.

[Ohwhatfun]

Is she the one who told you the truth she is married? If yes, then she already crossed you out.

And regarding your dating "situation", it doesn't really matter if you can make the woman want you so much that nothing else matters. She will find ways to adjust for your son's situation just to be with you.

No she didn't tell me. She basically blew up when I asked her if she was and told me another lie. I believe she then blocked me from every avenue of contact. It's a shame because I did like her. I don't really know if she's married and cheating or if she's in the beginning stages of a divorce.

[DatingAlpha]

I see. I guess that's the end of the line for her. Keep looking for that awesome woman for you.

[Ohwhatfun]

I really did enjoy chatting with her. Is there really anything I can even TRY to do to open up a line of communication in the future.

[DatingAlpha]

Why? Are you thinking you can't get a woman better than her?

[Ohwhatfun]

No I really don't think that's it ..... I just REALLY like who she was. We would chat every night through text or I would call her. She seemed to get all of what I was saying and she was really attentive to listening. I am curious what her situation is. She kept mentioning things about needing to get an apartment in the city. I don't know if maybe she's separated or what might be going on with her. Again I don't honeslty see how she could have hid that she was speaking to me from her husband unless they live totally different lifes.