Should I break off a 5 yrs relationship?

[Justcats]

I'll try to keep 5 years worth of details short.

We were barely Juniors in high school when we started dating. We met in sophomore year. He was really timid and I figured he liked me and encouraged him to confess. But when he did, I don't know why I just couldn't say yes even though I knew I also liked him. He really was dorky back then. We didn't talk for about a year, then he suddenly messaged me one day. And we just started dating from then on. I'm his first everything, but he's only my first when it comes to sex related things. A few months into the relationship, his sister tried to get the whole family against me for no reason and it was really stressful. (She later justifed it by saying it was a test to see if I really liked him. She had a weird incest vibe with him. She didn't allow any females near him back then. It was too much drama, so I cut myself from his family in our 2nd year) On top of that, at the time I was really curious about sex and it was not good. I always thought the guy is supposed to handle everything during sex back then. So I made the mistake of cheating and of course gave the sister a real reason to add more fuel to the fire. I also cheated because the guy was really really into me for years, and I felt like maybe he was a better candidate for me. I tried breaking up with my boyfriend knowing I can't play around with 2 hearts like that. He would beg me to stay and say things will change. And I honestly liked him a lot, but there were various aspects I really didn't like. So it's like that on and off for the first 2 years. Me trying to break up and him not wanting to, so me being a softie gave in. My heart wasn't fully there and when we would break up for like 2 weeks, I had no problem seeing another guy cause I just wanted out even though I did miss him terribly. Moving forward to 3 years, I got pregnant and miscarried and it was a total wake up call. He took care of me the whole week I was ill. I couldn't even get out of the bed and I couldn't eat much. On top of it all, I was grieving over my now dead baby for months. I realized I needed to get my shit together and decide whether to stay or go. I chose to stay. I started changing myself for the better. Trying my best to make up for all the mistakes I've done, and showing him I only want him. Maybe because I was only focused on him, the sex has gotten so much better and way more intense. It actually felt like we were making love, and it was totoally different from before. That's when I knew it was all me from the beginning. I just never gave him all of me, that's why I never enjoyed sex back then. I try to do my best to make him happy and try to regain his trust, but he still doesn't trust me and I understand. So im still trying. I understand how much I've hurt him, but since last year (maybe even 2 years ago), it felt like we've switched roles. He has repeatedly tried to break up with me, and I would beg him to stay. He doesn't treat me the way he used to, and I understand because I messed up first and multiple times. Nowadays, he's nice to me when he's in a good mood, but very mean when he's in a bad mood. He always apologize later saying it was the emotions talking. He's also mean to me in public because he says he has to be intimidating or else people won't respect him. He says it's okay because he's nice to me behind closed doors and no one needs to know our private lives. I don't think I like that very much... when he's in a bad mood, he would snap at me if another guy looks at me and tells me not to wear certain kinds of clothing. When he's in a good mood though, he would hold my hand and purposely kiss me in front of whoever is checking me out to show dominance.

I'm confused as to what he's thinking. He never includes me in his future. All he ever talks about the future is teaming up with his friends to start a business. He was living with me and my parents last year and he moved back in with his parents last month. I have no family here, so it's jus me and my parents. He says it's so boring and lonely at my house, but he used to complain how loud and crowded his parents' house is. They have like 5 people living there, plus they have a big family so they are always throwing parties and get togethers. It just seems like a cycle of when he's tired of one, he escapes to the other side. We have mentioned marriage, and he did say he wants to be with me permanently. I've always been afraid of marriage cause my father had many affairs when I was young, so it was a huge step up for me to come out and say I want to marry him.

I'm just not sure if this relationship is too toxic to go on... I want to be with him and I want to have a future with him. I just feel so stupid and pathetic because the main issue at hand was caused by my infidelity from years ago. I've read people's experiences on being cheated and how much it had effected them. I truly feel like if I haven't made those mistakes years ago, things might be different right now.

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I just want to add that he's also slightly autistic, so sometimes he doesn't even realize how much his words hurt me. And more than anything, I believe fate brought us together. Before we even met, we've had many crazy coincidences. We used to live around each other apparently. My friend and I were taking a short cut through a neighborhood alley once, and someone left their back gate open and their dog was running around. We caught him and brought it back and tried to close up the gate. Years later I found out it was my boyfriend's dog. Is that not fate or what? It amazes me that it we were alway near each other before we even met. Not only that, our minds are synced. We always already know what other is gonna say, and somehow even have the same dreams. When he was in Mexico for 2 weeks, we were doing the same thing at the same time. Even though there's a time difference, we did things at the same time without meaning to. It was like we are the same person. How could he not be the one?

[fullstop]

As a guy who takes relationships really seriouly, let me tell u if back then when you hurt him, he had loved you more than anything and after that he changed, believe me you messed it up, it's never coming back, unless something rare happens. Since he loved you a lot, the disappointment was bigger than his love.
I do see some things about him that are wrong, like wanting to be intimidating and stuff, but I see you more wrong than him.
The thing is, you've understood things for the better, so you both deserve a good life. Just sit down and talk with him on this subject and what you both want to recieve and give each other. Tell him what you don't like about him. If talking doesn't change it, I'm afraid there is no going back and you should break up. Once "that feel" is lost, it is really hard to bring it back, but it might be possible if you try