Confused and need help!

[khaleesi_pri]

Hi guys!
Okay, so I've been dating this guy for two years. Initially, it was casual. We'd see each other and see other people too. Recently however, he expressed his desire to get exclusive. I love him, so I went ahead with that.
Our relationship keeps undergoing problems, though. Firstly, my guy is pretty social and has a lot of female friends. He's sort of flirty. However, he has a problem if I talk to other guys. He even checks my phone at times! One night I actually found a pretty indecent text and called him on it. I asked him if he was seeing other women. And suddenly he took offense and I became the jealous insecure chick. Instead of him reassuring me, I ended up apologising and promising never to mistrust him again.
The second instance was a few days ago, when he cancelled a date last moment. I was upset. I accused of him not giving me time when he has time for his friends. And I was instantly put into the role of a controlling mad girlfriend. Again, I was made to feel small when it wasn't my fault in the first place and ended up pleading with him and saying sorry.
Am I being too controlling? Or is he manipulative? Should I cut him loose? Every time I express my concerns, I'm made to feel like I'm paranoid.

[lovesickheart]

Hi Khaleesi_pri, I cant help but wonder if you listen to your own instinct perhaps you already KNOW the answer of what you should do, and you are really just seeking confirmation or support from others to confirm this? He sounds 100% manipulative. There is a ton of information on manipulation if you do a google search. I actually like this one from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation , but read a couple of things on manipulation in relationships and see if it fits your situation. Also check out article such as "am I dating a psychopath" or "how to spot a sociopath".... these terms are in relation to clinical terms, not the horror-movie types that come to mind... lol!
If you read these things and think "OMG! that's him exactly!" then I vote that you end this relationship fast, and DONT let him know that you are on to him, because then it becomes a game of how well can he perfect his game to control you and keep you with his lies.

[khaleesi_pri]

Hi lovesickheart. Thank you for your advice! Maybe I've been trying to seek some sort of assurance. Or maybe it's the fact that I simply don't know what to do - dump him, or talk to him once, give an ultimatum, and see if he's willing to change.
Do such people usually change?

[Juliane]

Hey there
I have been there I have done that and I'd advice you to tell him to get lost.
I dated a guy once who was just like that but we never got exclusive - thanks god!
YOU don't change People. People change because they are inspired by someone or something. You can't make anyone change and even if you could it's simply not the right thing
You already know within you that this is not going anywhere. ( unless the road to unhappiness )
You don't deserve a guy like that. Someone who makes you feel bad more often than good.. that's NEVER a person you should keep in your life!!! NEVER! Get ****ing rid of people like that as soon as you can.
He's making you feel bad about yourself. He's not treating you well. He does not care about your feelings. He makes you feel paranoid and stupid. And the worst thing about it is that he tricks you so well that you even start thinking about whether you are doing something wrong or not. That's a toxic person and a dick!
Get yourself a real man that makes you feel like a woman. A man who makes you feel loved. A man who takes care of you. A man who strengthens your insecurities. A man who makes you feel the number ONE all day every day.
That's what you deserve. have a blessed day sweetie!
Always trust your gut instict. Your intuition. It always takes you to the right places and the right people.

[lovesickheart]

You asked "Do such people usually change?"...... No.
Sorry but its true. And be prepared that if you have the strength to dump him, he will KEEP coming around trying to perfect his "game". When you are ready to make that decision, cut him off 100%, no answering calls, no texts, no fb likes.... its all up to you, but I have seen this behavior before and you can make it so much easier on yourself by cutting it clean. Please do some research on manipulation.... once you are clear for YOURSELF, not just other people on a forum telling you it is so... then you can do what you know is best for you. Then, you take a minute to heal, and watch some fabulous man that will treat you right come along!
I wish you all the best!

[khaleesi_pri]

Thank you, lovesickheart and Juliane!
Yes, what you did say seems suspiciously true. I almost dumped him once last year because of the same reasons and started seeing other, nicer guys. And he came back full of sweet compliments and 'I love you's, saying he had changed. Should have known back then!
Anyway, thanks a lot for your advice! Good luck to you as well!

[TheEvilJester]

Only you are close enough to the situation to truly judge for sure. For all we know, maybe there are some things about how you've acted in the heat of the moment that have contributed in some small part to the issues between you two (and let me make clear that even if maybe you could have handled those situations a little better, I'm not saying you are to blame. None of us react our best in the heat of an unfortunate situation)......

But here's the thing..... it doesn't change the fact that he is extremely hypocritical with you. It doesn't change the fact that he flirts relentlessly with women, yet is super jealous and untrusting of you. It doesn't change the fact that you caught him in the act with an obviously inappropriate text exchange.....

Yet despite all of that, he somehow always makes YOU wind up feeling like the "bad guy," so to speak. So, yeah, at least based on what you have shared, I would side with the others. He sounds extremely immature and manipulative. It sounds to me like you deserve better. Now, granted, yes you should trust him if he's given you no reason not to trust him. .....Let me emphasize that last part...

IF HE'S GIVE YOU NO REASON NOT TO TRUST HIM!!! Sounds to me like he's given you PLENTY of reasons not to trust him. IF that truly were not his intention, then he should understand why you feel that way and want to work with you to correct that. Instead, his reaction is to fly off the handle and accuse you of wrongdoing. Classic manipulation tactic with people like that. Somehow, in their own eyes, they are NEVER to blame for anything, and they will move Heaven and Hell to try to force others to see it that way as well. Funny thing about that is, those are exactly the kind of people who seem to almost ALWAYS be up to no good. God, at least if somebody WERE actually nearly flawless you could somewhat understand their "I'm never wrong" attitude.... but why is it always the people who are ALWAYS wrong that are so vehement that everybody believe they are NEVER wrong?

Anyway, bottom line, it sounds to me (and obviously some of the others) that you'd be much better off without this joker. I mean, we certainly could be wrong. We aren't close enough to the situation to know for sure. But, it really sounds that way if you ask me.

Good luck to you.

[khaleesi_pri]

Thank you for your advice, guys!
Okay, so I spoke to him yesterday. I pointed out all the issues and said I can't continue being with him. He apologised profusely, and said he genuinely isn't cheating/seeing other women. Basically he won't let me leave because he says he loves me, and we can sit and talk and make things work. I'm still confused.

[TheEvilJester]

If he's willing to work on it.... AND YOU BELIEVE HIM.... then you can certainly give him the chance to prove a man of his word if you want. Reiterating that qualification, though.... IF YOU WANT. Honestly, I could not blame you at all if this feels too little too late. The fact of the matter is, you shouldn't have had to threaten breaking up in order for him to realize the error of his ways.

Not only that, but I still find it a little suspicious that when you've tried to talk to him about this stuff in the past, he always flies off the handle, acting all self-righteous like he's not done anything wrong and that YOU in fact are wrong for not trusting him...... yet then as soon as you've had enough and are going to leave, suddenly he's all apologetic.

To be honest, sometimes it really DOES take almost losing somebody that means a great deal to them for somebody to finally wake up and realize they've been wrong. So, it is certainly possible this has finally woken him up to what he could be losing. So, if you do want to give him the chance to prove himself true to his word, I couldn't blame you for doing so. IF you do that, I would just say you exercise caution. In other words, it shouldn't be like the flip of a switch, now all of a sudden you give him your full 100% trust and give him your heart fully. He needs to earn that trust back.

On the other hand, if it just feels too little too late, I would also understand that. If that is the case, then I would recommend you just end it. Even if he is 100% being honest now and truly does see he was wrong, if it just feels too late for you, then it would be better for you both if you just move on.

Either way, though, I wish you the best of luck. I hope very soon you find the right guy for you who will treat you in all the wonderful ways you deserve to be treated. Maybe that actually WILL turn out to be him, and if so good for him and good for you. If not, though, I hope you find somebody who will make you forget all about him.

[khaleesi_pri]

Hi. So for the past couple of days, I went about my usual life, hung out with friends, attended class. He wanted to meet up. I agreed. I even point blank told him that we need to break up, things aren't working out, and he's distanced himself from me. He apologised, and didn't let me break up. If he's in love with his freedom and wants to see other women, why won't he stop texting me and letting me move on? I've already dumped him once in the past, because he never used to have time to see me then, so this time if I kick him to the curb, it's going to be for good. I can't seem to fathom if he's the classic idiot here, or I am one.

[melancholia]

What is he doing is called gaslighting, which is a very common form of manipulation. Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you question your own sanity; makes you feel like you are delusional, or overreacting, so that they can absolve themselves of feeling bad and shift the blame onto you for the negative feelings. The examples of gaslighting in your post are here:

"I asked him if he was seeing other women. And suddenly he took offense and I became the jealous insecure chick. Instead of him reassuring me, I ended up apologising and promising never to mistrust him again."

here:

"I accused of him not giving me time when he has time for his friends. And I was instantly put into the role of a controlling mad girlfriend. Again, I was made to feel small when it wasn't my fault in the first place and ended up pleading with him and saying sorry."

He is manipulating you into thinking that you are somehow causing the problem, that you are being silly, or immature, or "controlling/jealous" when in fact, he is the one whose behavior is breeding this negativity. This last line in your post really blares the red flags of his behavior:

"Every time I express my concerns, I'm made to feel like I'm paranoid."

Being able to effectively communicate your feelings, needs, and expectations in a relationship is the absolute most important thing you can do. It is a mature, adult, and healthy way to navigate relationships, and not just romantic relationships, but any relationship. When someone actively tries to stop you from being able to articulate your feelings, that is manipulation, and that is not healthy. He is trying to condition you to cater to his needs, without ever having to put effort in to making you feel secure, happy, and validated within your relationship. You are not paranoid. You are not immature. You don't sound like a jealous or controlling person, but your boyfriend sure sounds like he is. It's impossible to know whether or not he is being faithful to you, but that's not even the bigger issue here. The issue here is that he is manipulative and he is already showing huge warning signs that he is the controlling and jealous type. This is classic manipulation 101: the abuser projects their own insecurity and issues onto their counterpart, in the hopes that it will relieve their negative feelings, to make their counterpart feel small, and themselves feel bigger, better, and superior.

I highly recommend that you break things off with this guy before it escalates, because I guarantee you that his behavior will not stop here, it will escalate and become much worse. This is what manipulative people do, they seek out people who cater to their manipulative efforts. You are reinforcing his shitty behavior every time you accept blame and start to feel bad for your behavior, which is actually completely normal and justified. If you end the relationship now, you can move on quicker. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, and you do not deserve to be treated like you are a nuisance or like you are the "problem". You can find a man who treats you well, and who doesn't make you feel like you are crazy, immature, or silly. There are plenty of men out there who know how to treat women properly and who would feel privileged to be with you. Focus your energy on yourself and the things in life that bring you joy and positive feelings. If you exude positivity, you will attract positive people. Do not settle for someone who doesn't treat you properly, because it will isolate you from the chance at finding someone who will treat you properly. Don't you feel like you deserve better than this? You should. Because you do deserve it. You're lucky you are catching this early, because a lot of people wind up wasting years of their life with someone like this, only to wind up alone, and having to start all over again. Get out now before it gets worse.

*Edit* After posting, I read your comment that said you tried to break up with him and he "wouldn't let you"... again, classic manipulation right here. Honestly, this is a really dangerous situation for you to be in because it is already affecting your mental and emotional health. Nobody ever "lets" you do something. You decide to do whatever you want to do, and then reap the benefits (or consequences), but you are the only person in control over your actions. If you are taking the steps to improve your situation for the betterment of your overall wellbeing, and someone actively tries to stop you, then they are manipulative and controlling, and they are actively trying to stop you from making appropriate decisions for yourself because they only think about their needs and what they want. I reiterate that you should end this relationship immediately. This behavior is ingrained in him, and this is certainly not the first instance where he's treated someone this way. Manipulative behavior is learned. He has been conditioned to use this behavior to get what he wants because he was never taught how to communicate in a healthy, appropriate way. I would even recommend breaking up with him via text/phone/email and then immediately blocking him from being able to contact you. This could actually lead to a more dangerous situation for you because the most dangerous situation for a person in an abusive relationship is right after the relationship ends. He will try to promise to treat you better, but he won't. If you block him from being able to contact you after you break up with him, then he won't be able to talk you back into staying with him.

I wish you the absolute best. I really hope you make the right choice for your well being. You deserve better than this; and I promise you that even though a break up will hurt, if you get out now, you can move on easier and your life will reward you with better opportunities. Do not allow yourself to be subject to this behavior. I've been there before and wasted five years of my life for someone who was exactly like this. I had to start over from the very beginning, and not just to get back into dating. I had to redefine the way I communicate with people. I had to learn how to communicate my needs and articulate what I want and expect in a relationship. I'm still not 100% there, but if I had paid attention to the red flags at the beginning of that relationship, and walked away at the first signs of abusive behavior, I would be way farther ahead than I am now. I am thankful for getting out of that relationship. and I am focusing on improving my life every day, and I hope that you can get to the place where you can motivate yourself to get through this. I believe that you can do it. I believe in you!

[lovesickheart]

Melancholia, thank you for laying it all out like that! Excellent response... I hope she listens to you!

[khaleesi_pri]

Hello guys! Yes, I did break it off with him. Nothing dramatic, just showed him what I felt was wrong and ended it.
I'm feeling terrible though now. I mean, to get over it. I know he was probably an abusive player, but sometimes you have memories with a person and it's difficult to let go.

[TheEvilJester]

Of course it is. You once thought this guy was so right for you. It is hard to let go of that feeling. It is hard, sometimes, not to think that the great person you thought you met has to still be in there somewhere. What you need to realize, though, is that the honest truth is that what you are missing is not him. What you are missing is the him you thought he was. What you are missing is the way you felt when you thought you were in love.

You won't recapture that by staying with him. The him you thought he was either no longer exists, or more likely never did in the first place. Believe me, in time you will feel better. In time you will wonder why the Hell you ever put up with him in the first place. In time, you will find somebody else who actually WILL be everything you'd thought you'd found in this fella, only more. And he'll be the real thing.... not just a pretender waiting until he has you hooked to reveal the truth about himself.

Good luck to you. Remain strong. You can do this. You can leave him in your past for good. Once you do, you will be ready soon to get out there and find the guy you really deserve. Just remember, you rock. You deserve better than that. Maybe you don't feel it right now, but in time you will.

[khaleesi_pri]

So it's been roughly two weeks since I've broken off with him. Went absolutely NC. Joined a dance class, started working hard on myself and hanging out with other friends. Today out of the blue, a friend (and she is very close to me) sent me a text saying he was hitting on her. Also, he's added a couple of my girl friends on Facebook. I'm crushed and I don't know how to deal with it. Why is it so difficult to ignore him? I mean I don't understand why he can't let me be. Clearly he knows they are my best friends so they will tell me about this.