Telling my girlfriend she was the first?

[JamesS1]

Hi All,

So I apologize as I am sure this question has been asked before but I have the dilemma of whether to tell my girlfriend that she was my first, and also when I should if I do.

So I was a 30 year old virgin and I started seeing a girl I met online, at first nothing happened but we kept in touch and eventually started seeing each other. I had some problems with sex at first and things didn't look like they would take until the end of last year. Recently I have started to fall for her and I think it is mutual and I believe she is frustrated that I had dragged my feet before, we also have not said the big three words yet.

My problem is that I was a virgin until her (I had dated but things had never felt right and I had been very shy in my early days) but when she had asked me, I told her that there had been a couple before her but that the relationships had not developed.

Now I am in the situation where I have realized that this lie is now the elephant in my room, especially 6 months in. She may not stay in my area for long (may move closer to her parents) but we could still see each other by travelling.

My question is this, firstly should I tell her and if I do, when? She is currently on holiday for a couple of weeks and when she returns will celebrate her birthday and I don't want to tell her then and ruin it. If I do tell her, I'd prefer to do it face to face because it feels weak to tell her by phone.

Can anyone offer any advice?

Many thanks

James

[TheEvilJester]

When she asked you about it, was she specifically asking if you have ever had sex? I only ask because it doesn't actually sound like you lied to her. You told her you'd been with a couple people before, but "the relationship never developed." Isn't that what you said was actually the truth? You mentioned you've dated before, but it just never quite felt right.

So, unless you came out and said "Yeah, I've had sex with a few women, but the relationships never lasted" then you didn't really lie. Heck, even if she directly asked if you've ever had sex, if you worded it the way you worded it here, I think that kind of implies, without saying, that you did not.

As it is, I don't think there's any right or wrong time to tell her this. I definitely think you should tell her, but don't worry too much about when. After all, this is NOT something to be ashamed of at all. In fact, I think a lot of people would look at it as a good thing. If nothing else, it shows you aren't the kind of pig-headed guy who just uses women for sex. So, personally I think it is a good thing. If she doesn't see it that way, then maybe she doesn't deserve you anyway.

Chances are she won't have a problem with it at all. In fact, she may be relieved because it would explain why you've been shy/nervous about taking that step with her. Otherwise, she may just have been thinking it is her, or that you just weren't that into her or something like that. Good luck to you.

[breathe123]

I hate when people ask others about their sex numbers, no ones business really even the one you are having sex with, people should be more concerned their partner is free of disease & maybe get a test over how many they bedded, IMO. I wouldn't tell her at all if you think it will change how she views you. But if you must tell do so whenever the timing is right, not after or before sex. GL

[TheEvilJester]

I do definitely agree with you that the past should be just that. Still... isn't that something people almost always eventually discuss as a couple? I mean, I agree with you that people shouldn't get too hung up on numbers, but it is something where you want to at least know the general highlights of the person's past. It's part of what shaped them into the person they are today.

Also, maybe this is just me, but if the concern is that her knowing he's a virgin would change how she views him, I honestly think that is actually all the more reason TO tell her. After all, IF it did change how she views him in any negative way, then I don't think she'd be the right person for him anyway. You shouldn't have to hide part of who you are/were from somebody in order for them to love you. The right person for you should be able to love you regardless of your past.

[JamesS1]

"So, unless you came out and said "Yeah, I've had sex with a few women, but the relationships never lasted" then you didn't really lie."

Well I definately lied on this one. She asked me when I had last had sex early on and I lied and went with a couple years or so. About a month or two ago she asked about sexual partners and I told her I'd only been sexually active with a couple of girls and things hadn't really developed. She was surprised that I was inexperienced despite the trouble we've had (sometimes good, sometimes and initially bad).

I guess I'm in two minds.. but that's mainly the situation - if she will move away and doesn't see a future anyway then I wouldn't see a reason to tell her as I worry she may feel cruddy from the relationship.

On the other hand, I haven't told her I love her because of this and if there is a future I can imagine it becoming a major problem; I do believe that honesty is important else what do we have in a relationship. We have plans soon (a new thing) as well as her birthday which makes the situation a bit difficult, I don't want to move to the next level without addressing this, but at the same time can imagine it blowing up and causing her pain. On the other hand I know she may not feel it is going that way anyway. I guess I'll try to find a good time to tell her, sooner would be better than later but I think it needs to be in person which makes things more difficult, as I won't see her until near her Birthday.

By the way thank you for the responses, really appreciate some rational input.

Thanks

J

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, again, I can only offer my opinion. You have to do what you think is right. However, I personally do think you should tell her about it. Sure, pick the right timing, and I think you are right that it should be in person. However, if nothing else, I think it would help explain to her why you've been so nervous/reluctant to take the next step. Right now, it is very possible she is speculating that maybe you just aren't that into her, and therefore she is pulling back because she doesn't think you are interested enough, so she doesn't want to get too invested.

On the other hand, if she understood that you are being reluctant because of your inexperience, NOT because you aren't interested in her, that may actually be relieving for her to know. I mean, it is certainly possible she'd be judgmental about it, but honestly, if she is then is that really somebody you want to be with anyway? So, you'd be better off knowing. But, chances are she won't have any problem with that, and again, it could help her to understand your reluctance.

Unfortunately, as per the further details you revealed, you did actually directly lie to her about this. It is possible she may be hurt by that fact when you reveal the truth. All you can really do is be honest. Maybe just explain that you regret lying to her, that you were worried that she'd think less of you if she knew the truth, but you realize now that you should have just been honest. Or however it is you wish to explain it.

Good luck to you.

[JamesS1]

Yes that's the only thing I worry about now - gotta love the irony.

I also know very little of her past and she has told me not to ask about some things (and I am quite happy not to know things she doesn't want to tell me, she can tell me if things get serious).

If it had been a month or two ago I woulda been happy to just tell the truth and see what happens, just with her birthday and a trip we have planned I got to be careful with timing if she does feel hurt.

Many thanks Evil Jester and Breathe, if its to go anywhere I believe I need to be honest, I'll just be prepared for if it turns sour.

[breathe123]

If she won't share her past why would you ask about yours, sexual past or otherwise, that seems wrong. If you need to unburden & be truthful do so for yourself & let things fall as they fall, it might go well, you never know. Good luck.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, on a side note I'm kind of with breathe on that one. How does she ask you about your past and then yet refuse to tell you about hers? How is that fair? I don't know what things in particular she told you she didn't want to talk about, or if they are just things she is not comfortable talking about this early in a relationship. If two people are right for each other, I don't think they should have to hide anything about themselves, even if it is in the past. That's not saying they HAVE to know every tiny little detail about each other, but there shouldn't be any reason to blatantly hide anything.

Of course, it may just be that there are certain things she doesn't want to talk about this early in the relationship. That, I could understand. So, sort of moot point right now anyway since this wasn't really the point of your thread.

[JamesS1]

Yes she hasn't told me too much about her past; mainly I think because there is something she thinks I might react to myself. She is from a different culture and I think she places too much value on some things I wouldn't actually care about.

I respect that she didn't lie about her past and instead told me she doesn't want to answer right now. I lied instead (still not sure if is a white lie or not)

My thoughts are that:

1 She needs to know more about me first and I think she knows I am hiding something as I have been vague and I can be distant at times

2 She doesn't see a future or anything serious (maybe a different outlook than when we started)

3 She thinks its not right now but if she returns to my area (a possibility) then something serious might develop

If its 1 then I have to tell her
If its 2 I wouldn't see the point in telling her
If its 3 I am in two minds

I'd like to be closer/more honest when we are together so I believe I should tell her based on that. I think she may be more honest with me if I open up (as long as she doesn't feel hurt by the lie)

[pcmaster]

I think its not that important to tell her she was your first but its more important to tell those big tree words first.

[JamesS1]

So we chatted on the phone and I told her - she said she was surprised but it wasn't a big deal; she just said I should have told her and that she couldn't tell but things are all cool.

I think its not that important to tell her she was your first but its more important to tell those big tree words first.

Yes I think that's the next step.

Thank you all for the advice, so glad I finally told her.

Cheers

J

[pcmaster]

Yeah in the end it seems like it didnt really matter. It was more for your own peace of mind.

[breathe123]

Greats news, James ~ Happy it all worked out well for you & her. All the best!

[TheEvilJester]

When it comes to your response BEFORE your last one, my reaction to that was going to be that you can't really know. You're not a mind-reader, so you won't know what she's thinking. So, your decision should have nothing to do with what you may think she is thinking. Just do what feels right to you.

....Thing is, you already did. So, good for you. Thankfully, it turns out that she reacted very well. Not only did she not care that you're still a virgin (And really, why would she?) but she even understood and wasn't upset that you lied. As she said, and as many of us said, there was no reason to lie. You should have just been honest from the start. There is no reason to be ashamed of that. Like I said, in my personal view, that makes you a diamond in the rough. To me, that says you aren't the "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" type of pig-headed guy who will bang any woman with a pulse and then leave her after you get what you want. To me, that says you want to actually have a connection with the person first.

You, sir, are a dying breed. You should be proud of that. Sort of had been starting to think I was the only one still around. Good luck to you. Now that the truth has been revealed, I hope things work out well for you two.