To be a long one. Ive been with my wife for 5 years now, both 27 years old. We have partook in some substances, and both Medicate, cough cough, due to her ocd and depression, (plus a year after we started dating she was diagnosed with 'a hard to detect neurological disorder that causes muscle spasms, so a lot of pain. Yet she hasnt had really any speciatly doctors look at her, mri and cat scan negative, but still she gets prescribed mad pills which has now rotted her teeth, and i know is hurting her body, so shes messed up or antsy if she misses her doses, and uses her pain to do more stuff she wants then i 'would hurt too much, cant do that cause of the pain', cant have kids because of it, or at least the actual prescription drugs-it just gets really heavy sometimes falling in love, then watching that loved one become incapacitated, dreams up in smoke), and my bi polar with psychosis (diagnosed 4 years ago) We have lived with her family basement apartment, next to the furnace, hear the whole house) since a month into the relationship. She has seperated me from my family, getting jealous if i talk to them when Im with her, degrades my mom and wont let me talk to her, now the same for my brother and his wife. Cant ever say the 'right' thing to them. Yet we live with her family. Who fights with her much younger siblings, to the point of me wondering if i should call the cops. And her parents fight too. Also, I tell her every thing, I mean everything, about what I talk about to people, even if i know she will be upset with me for what I said or talked about. Well, excuse me, ashamed to say, I watched porn a little bit, I hid it, thought i could handle it nyself-wanted ti stop altogether. Having been watching it since 14, and losing my virginity to my wife at 21, it was hard, couldnt do it. She was upset, I did keep it from her for a couple of years, ashamed, i did post to forums, whenever i tried telling her she just immediately said it was cheating and doesnt forgive cheaters, clam up, its just porn-dont tell her. (Oh yeah, she is bisexual, and used to say that she understood sex was just sex, was open to 3 somes, then closed off one day.) So, for more story, couple years working together, living with her family, I cant take it, I want our own place, even start working two jobs (also to try to support a business she wanted to start up) (plus buying her clothes, jewelry, business merchandise, she makes me one stamp board and has gotten me one poster. Never wants any part in finances, yet is upset if we dont have money for alcohol or medication..)back to working two jobs, we just delve a but more into drugs, and she gets a best friend (a backer for the business) at least a female, but the female that has 3 boyfriends, is on 2 dating sites, used to see texts of "you dont have to telk him" or try to get us ti cover fir her to her boyfriends. Just a manipulated cheating person. And Im working two jobs. Paranoia that she cheating on me starts, no money, her hanging out with this horrible human being, not moving out, hearing her family fight, being isolated from my family, was cut off from facebook because how much she had to go through it, dont talj ti any of my old friends anymore, have talks till Im in tears about how i can last through this. And then, our personal life starts bleeding into our work life. A coworker would tell me something pricate, i telk my wife everything, then she would blab it. That hurt some relationships with some coworkers, theb to add the icing, she started mixing ny own personal oroblems to then too, specifically talking about things that I woukd taln to her aboyt, but in that 'tactful' fasion of using someone else as a reference. Yeah, coincidences happen, but people know when they are ****ed with. Psychosis or not-even if it was, I Know i cant be wrong 100 percent of the time, because unfortunately i gave her lies about nyself just to see if they would spread, and still in that tactful way the lie is mentioned, even if its not my name. Then, upon confronting her, she just saying in Egotistical and self centered, that Im psychotic and just make everything about myself. Also she constantly got paranoid, that me working two jobs, was cheating on her. (Oh yeah, her friend with the many boyfriends, yeah that was another tactful way of saying their name but describing the situaton i did. Coincidnces dont hapoen that often.) So, not being able to have any ground, or man up and leave her, i actually did try to start cheating on her. Took me over a month. Of setting up a kik, fake email, most i did at first, was disgusted with myself. But still, the lying, the fighting, needed a reminder of why to leave her. (Explanation there, I kniw my intelligence isnt in memory-do forget more then i care for, I cant word for word say back conversations, or sometimes with the heightened emotion remember what was said specifically, but I knew at the time, if that makes sense, but that adds to my wife saying in psychotic or crazy, actually starys making me feel line that. She wants the specifics of what was said, the whys, that 'factual proof' she calls it. But i cant talk to my work friends and ask them if she talks to them or anything, because of her turning them on me/the not keeping their secrets and telling her.) So i said **** it to the winds, she sleeps when Im home-yet i have more energy after working two jobs. I started to end it. I wanted to end it. So i sexted. Anynomously online, sent a dick pic to one person, and sent an email on craigslist to try ti hook uo-but backed out. Yet i didnt tell her. Idk. If shes screwing ne over, then i needed to build myself up. However a night after some molly, I confessed everything to her, and over three more big talks over about a month, I came clean with everything. The wanting to cheat, to leave, to get away, cause I couldnt live that life style anymore, we were doing harder drugs, working two jobs, her telling my life to coworkers (or am I crazy?), living with her family, never visiting mine, fighting the mistrust. Idk, that night, was back to remembering what I was losing, what i was wedging away, and i love her. She is so ****ing amazing. Shes my energy. I cant jeopardize that. So everything laid bare. We even moved out for a couple of months, to another state. Bad idea though. Was great seeing some of my family, way to fast of a cut of the chord for my wife. And we didnt work together. She didnt work. So wasnt making friends. Wasnt making enough money (still medicating though) so nothing but complaints. She was defensive. Punishing, resenting me. She was moving back with or without me. Love, thinking its the right path, I followed her. Now, back in her parent's basement, back at the sister store of where we worked (so working together) as much as was repaired since I confessed that molly night (she still didnt admit to talking to coworkers, or not like she was) we are going back to the same path. I refuse to work 70+ hours a week. She wont help me save up to move out. Still on the same drug benders. Hearing the same fights, less time to get freaky-cause as i said we hear everything, and family, Thats not mood setting. Not as young as i once was, cant ignore my mind like i used to. Not saving up money. Car falling apart. And now shes back to talking with our coworkers again, but just saying Im being self centered and egotistical whenever I confront her about it. And now, I know she is deleting text messages-remembering times that she texts and checking her phone later for the times, just for text messages to be deleted. (We have an open phone policy, she knows all my passwords, I know all of hers.) Idk what to do. I want to make this work. I know i ****ed up with the cheating. But we are still where we were 5 years ago. I want to actually feel like an adult married couple. But all I am getting is lies and manipulation from her, ive confronted her, and still she plays innocent. Which further destroys my trust in her. What do i do? What do you think? A couple of people have said 'Im sorry you cant see how badly you should leave her' but...she is my love..my life..what do I do? Yet Im so sick of this feeling. Feeling like I dont belong anywhere. Everyones against me at times from coworkers to her family. Oh, another nail, all of our coworkers are guys. Some of the deleted texts are from these guys, one that texts her in the early am of the morning. Yet I cant have any of my okd friends. Cant have a facebook. Only have mutual friends. So, all guys. What if I want a girl friend or two? This is just. I feel like my voice has become smoothered. I feel like, so much more then the first time this happened, I cant 100 percent trust my wife, and that leads ne wondering to what I can even trust her with. Was she projecting on me when she thought i was cheating? Or was it my guilty conscious. Idk. Love advice though. Want to make this work. She still wont admit to anything, even though she slipped and referred to a text she deleted when I asked her about who she was texting at what time. Idk. I get that I cheated. Biggest **** up. Want it in the past. Want ti not be punished. Yet she holds it over me. Always using it as the last resort remark if she hasnt used it before then. Theres just so much. Ive waisted an hour on this. Time to clean the house, cause thats what I do too, as she gets in too much pain. Doubt anyone will read this. Cheerio. Thanks for the help if you made it through.