My girlfriend wants kids in future but I'm not sure if I ever do - how do I decide?

[ManOfConfusion]

My girlfriend already knows she wants to have kids sometime in the future. But I'm not sure... It's not something I've thought about much during my life. I need to think about it more now, because if it turns out I don't want kids, then there's not much point wasting time being in a relationship with someone who does.

My gut feeling, if you forced me to make a choice right now, would be that I'd prefer not to. But perhaps I haven't thought thru all the reasons for/against? Perhaps there's something I'm missing that I'll think of in future that'll make me want to have kids? I wouldn't want to throw away a perfectly good relationship now, and then later in life figure out that actually I do want kids after all and I missed out on a great girl.

How can I get myself to a place where I'm best able to make this decision, and do the right thing for both myself and my girlfriend?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[melancholia]

How old are you, and how old is your girlfriend? How long have you been together? The reason I ask, is because women who want to have kids, need to settle down a lot earlier in life than men do, if they want to have a family. You, as a man, have the benefit of being able to have kids at any age of your life, you could even get a woman pregnant well into your 70s (not that I recommend waiting that long to decide, though). A woman who wants kids, generally needs to settle down before she hits 40, and most women want to start having children closer to 30 (some, even younger than that). If having children is something your girlfriend has had her heart set on all her life, it's not likely to change any time soon. It doesn't sound like you and your girlfriend have spent much time talking about this, but you should be discussing it. It would be a good way for you both to see what you really want out of life, and this particular relationship. It is OK if you don't want to have kids, but you need to be up front about that.

[ManOfConfusion]

Thanks for the reply Melancholia. I'm 34 and she's 26. You're right we haven't talked much about it - I've mentioned it to her but she doesn't seem worried about it. I think she just thinks I'm going to come round to her way of thinking. That may or may not happen, but you are right, we need to talk about it more.

The thing is, I'm not convinced I don't want to have kids. At the moment if you forced me to make a choice, I'd probably fall slightly on the side of "no", but I haven't considered all the pros and cons so I can't say for sure that's what I want.

I want to do the right thing by my girlfriend, and be up front about what I want, but I want to know what I want before I do that I don't want to commit to something I'm not sure about and then regret it later. But I also don't want to drive her away because I think I don't want kids now, and then in future and decide actually I do want kids after all, having lost a perfectly good girlfriend because I thought I didn't.

That's why I want to explore this issue fully now so I'm in an educated position to have a good idea what I want now, so I can do the right thing.

[TheEvilJester]

Really, there isn't much you can do. It isn't like you can wave a magic wand and it will suddenly make you decide. It also isn't the sort of thing where you can just put together an Excel spreadsheet of all the pros and cons and decide. Granted, if you WANTED to do such a thing, I certainly wouldn't recommend against it. Getting all the details on paper (or in digital media) like that could maybe help you think it out a bit more.

However, my point is that is really more a decision you have to FEEL, if you get what I mean. It's not really a decision you can necessarily make logically. You have to just know in your heart whether or not you want kids. Believe me, I understand that doesn't clear it up for you any, but it is just one of those things.

So, I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head yourself. You just need to do some serious thinking about it, and even talk to your girlfriend about it. Hopefully all of that can help you decide. In the end, though, you'll have to just decide one way or the other. Having kids is certainly not something you want to do if you aren't sure if you want them. So, if you aren't sure, and really have no idea if/when you ever will be sure, it may be best to let your gal go.

I mean, I would hope it wouldn't have to come to that. It sounds like you are both very happy together. But, if she definitely wants kids, chances are she will probably want them soonish, given her age. If you feel like it is still going to take you a while to decide, that may not be fair to her. On the other hand, if all your thinking makes you decide you do want kids.... or maybe you don't RIGHT NOW, but do in X years.... Well, maybe your time frame would be fine with her. If that is the case, why throw away a good thing?

One thing I will say, though... No matter what you decide, talk to her about it. Even if you decide you DON'T want kids, don't just break up with her as result. I would say you first talk to her so she at least can feel she is part of the discussion/decision. Good luck to you either way. I hope you figure it out. Not an easy decision ahead of you, but I am sure you will do what is right. Don't second guess yourself too much in whatever you decide. All you can do is to do what you think is best.

[Gladimeir15]

Sometimes great things come when it is the least thing you have expected. Maybe for now you are still undecided as to have a child in the near future but remember always that a family can not be called as such with out a child. It is useless to put up and save for the future without somebody who will inherit it in the near future. So if I were you, think critically before you will loose your girlfriend who is already sure to settle for the rest of her life with you and build a happy family....

[ManOfConfusion]

Thanks for all the replies! And apologies for the delay in getting back to you - busy week!

You have to just know in your heart whether or not you want kids.

tbh what I feel in my heart is no I don't want them - I've never been particularly inclined that way. They will take up my time and money in future. On the other hand, as you say .... it would be nice to have someone to pass something onto in the future. And I like teaching and nurturing people (in work) - I'm just not sure if I'd want to do it full time. So I can see reasons both ways. But the future I've given the most thought to is a future without kids. I just don't want to force myself down that path for that reason. Perhaps if I give more thought to the possibility of having kids, I may decide it is for me after all.

I will definitely talk about it with my gf though!

It is useless to put up and save for the future without somebody who will inherit it in the near future.

This is something I think would be potentially a good reason for wanting kids. I guess the question is, is it worth all the time and effort of bringing them up? I could just pass things onto my nieces/nephews. Or spend it all myself haha Joking aside, it's definitely something to factor into the equation!

[Fuzzyfeeling]

I can be your kid if you want to. You seem like a cool dad.

Jokes aside. You don't seem that enthusiastic about the idea of a child ,actually its really important to know exactly what you want, you can't just "go with the flow" in those kind of stuff ,they're life changing. Have a nice long talk with your gf is currently the BEST you can do. It'll clear things up for sure.

Good luck on all of your future endeavours pal

[ManOfConfusion]

I can be your kid if you want to. You seem like a cool dad.

Jokes aside. You don't seem that enthusiastic about the idea of a child ,actually its really important to know exactly what you want, you can't just "go with the flow" in those kind of stuff ,they're life changing. Have a nice long talk with your gf is currently the BEST you can do. It'll clear things up for sure.

Good luck on all of your future endeavours pal

Thanks! I think I would be a cool dad

I will definitely talk thru with my gf.

Anyone have any other ideas that would help with my decision? Thanks!

[MadLeo]

Money are spend, houses and object fades in time, children is the most precious possesion a couple can have ( in most cases )

[TheEvilJester]

Like I said and others have said, that is really the sort of thing you shouldn't get into unless you are sure. Again, you can't decide one day that you want kids and then decide the next you made a mistake and don't want them. That's not a genie you can put back in the bottle. Well, at least not if you intend to be a good, decent human being.

From your own admission, it sounds like, undecided though you maybe, that you don't really want kids. If that is the case, then that should be your answer. Though, as you say, you aren't necessarily 100% on that. So, maybe with some thought and soul-searching, you could change your mind. I don't know if there is really anything more any of us could tell you. Again, it's really the sort of thing you need to decide for yourself, and also the sort of thing that just has to be a decision you feel. It's not necessarily a decision based on LOGIC. ...at least not entirely.

Unfortunately, there isn't really any kind of magical bullet/magic spell that would help you decide. You'll just have to think about it. To some degree, I see what Gladimeir is saying and can certainly understand and respect her thoughts. However, I have to add that I don't think you should have kids simply JUST because you want somebody onto whom you can pass things (knowledge, money, possessions, etc.). Becoming a parent is a complete change in life-style. If you don't want the whole package, then you shouldn't take that plunge. If you find you DO want that whole package, then you should. It's that simple.... and yet that complicated at the same time.

I wish I could offer you a more definitive solution, but it is really the sort of thing you'll have to just wrestle with and decide. Good luck to you, though, in that.

[ManOfConfusion]

Like I said and others have said, that is really the sort of thing you shouldn't get into unless you are sure. Again, you can't decide one day that you want kids and then decide the next you made a mistake and don't want them. That's not a genie you can put back in the bottle. Well, at least not if you intend to be a good, decent human being.

From your own admission, it sounds like, undecided though you maybe, that you don't really want kids. If that is the case, then that should be your answer. Though, as you say, you aren't necessarily 100% on that. So, maybe with some thought and soul-searching, you could change your mind. I don't know if there is really anything more any of us could tell you. Again, it's really the sort of thing you need to decide for yourself, and also the sort of thing that just has to be a decision you feel. It's not necessarily a decision based on LOGIC. ...at least not entirely.

Unfortunately, there isn't really any kind of magical bullet/magic spell that would help you decide. You'll just have to think about it. To some degree, I see what Gladimeir is saying and can certainly understand and respect her thoughts. However, I have to add that I don't think you should have kids simply JUST because you want somebody onto whom you can pass things (knowledge, money, possessions, etc.). Becoming a parent is a complete change in life-style. If you don't want the whole package, then you shouldn't take that plunge. If you find you DO want that whole package, then you should. It's that simple.... and yet that complicated at the same time.

I wish I could offer you a more definitive solution, but it is really the sort of thing you'll have to just wrestle with and decide. Good luck to you, though, in that.

Thanks - you're right, I think I need to look into that lifestyle overall - talk to parents, watch them, find out more about it. As you say, it will take over my life completely so I need to be 100% sure.

[TheEvilJester]

That's not a bad idea, actually. Talking to parents. If you have friends/family you know that you could discuss it with, or even if there is some sort of online community or some kind of face to face support community near you, it may help to get thoughts from people with experience. Hopefully you can talk to people who will share both the good and bad so you can get a wide perspective on the whole experience.

I am sure you could easily find an online parenting community. I don't know if that sort of thing exists in local communities (like a parenting support group kind of thing for new parents or people wrestling with the idea of becoming parents), but it wouldn't surprise me if it did.