Hi, I'm gonna apologize on forehand for the long post.
I'm new here and I'm a bad writer but I really need some help and perspective 'cause I believe I might be going a little crazy.

I met "A" on instagram over two years ago, when I still lived at home in Italy. Him being from LA, I never thought anything would come of it, but I immediately felt that he was special. We chatted every day and had a connection.

Fast forward one year, and I got accepted into a university in the States. We had gotten back in contact and decided we finally wanted to meet in person, so he booked a flight to NYC and we spent a weekend together, and immediately fell for one another. After that, we would see eachother once a month every month, either him coming to NYC or me going to LA. It was hard to be long-distance but we had strong feelings for one another and in the romance of it all vaguely decided I would move to LA after I graduated so we could live together.

A is a strong, handsome, generous and smart man. He's 11 years older than I am (I am currently 24) and is unlike anyone I have ever met. We don't agree on much, but I never could get enough of him.

Of course the longer we would spend apart, the harder it got. In came the arguments, the insecurities... I guess reality.

My brother got very ill recently and being far from home became more complicated and painful, putting the possibility of staying in the US after graduation in a new perspective. I still wanted to be with A badly, but now it was even harder. With him not being a very emotionally communicative person, I could never understand whether he just cared about me or loved me. Also, if I was to move to LA where I don't know anyone, I knew I would need him to be extra affectionate and attentive, taking on more roles than the one he had before.

"A" didn't make a lot of effort while I looked into jobs in LA, or searched for ways of moving my stuff there. It's not that he took a strong position against me moving in with him either, but he never seemed particularly happy or excited about it. Then again, he's a man of a few words.

Let's just say everything escalated and yesterday I called him to break up. It was not necessarily an impulsive reaction, I had tbeen thinking about it for a while but apparently I blindsided him. He was shocked but said that I was right, that he had failed me but that he wanted me to know that even though he had not said so he had loved me all along. He kept on replaying scenes of our relationship and telling me how angry he was that he had not been a better boyfriend. It was very emotional, as these things tend to be I guess. He also asked me if I didn't want him to contact me ever again and I said that I didn't know what was the right thing to do. He said he knew things were going worse but he thought we'd have to future to figure things out together.

It's only one day after and I'm second guessing everything I said and did. It's not that I didn't know the implications of my words, but all of the sudden the idea of never seeing him again, of never hearing his voice again is crushing me. What I said was the truth and I don't take it back, but if he could have stepped up is game I would never have broken up with him in the first place, and I know that that person is in him somewhere, I just didn't know if I can afford to wait and put my life on hold for him. I wonder whether subconsciously I had been hoping he would wake up and fight for me, but perhaps my mind is too dramatic.

He is a proud man, he might never call me again or speak to me even just to respect my decision. And I keep on replaying everything in my head. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life?

Please, any feedback, comments or perspective could help me deal.
I don't expect you to come up with a solution, an explanation or a prediction of the future. I just need to get out of my head because it's a horrible place to be at the moment.