fell inlove with a younger woman (2).

[tossip]

Here is the original thread if you guys want to see:
[url]https://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/96932-fell-inlove-woman.html[/url]

So I started courting this woman in December 15, she just recently turned 18 and is a maid/helper in my uncles house who just lives in our compound (it's a 2 house compound), still a first year. Im 22 years old and a graduating student. We both told our crushes in December 31 at 6pm, and found out it was both of us who have crushes on each other... I planned to ask her out on February 14, But out of the blue when it was just the 2 of us in January 5th in my uncles house when both my parents and my uncle had work and I had no class at the time, she accepted (said yes) and we were gf and bf for only 6 days and broke up at the 11th.

The reason was, she is shy because I am a graduating student, I live just next door to my uncle, my uncle and my aunt is her boss and that my uncle or my aunt might get mad if she gets into a relationship with her nephew. Also my parents might not want the relationship, so what I did was I asked all of them if it was okay for me to date with the helper. So far everyone had no problems, she still did not want to continue the relationship because of her parents... so what I did, I visited her house when it was her day off (she goes home when its her day off) and met her parents and her siblings... so far everyone was good, and even some teasing also happened between the 2 of us when I visited. I did not have the guts to ask if its okay to court their daughter because it is their parents... I was kind of scared but so far it was a good sign because her family was very accommodating.

I did not ask her out again because I'm afraid that she will say another reason why it's still not okay to have a relationship with her again. But she said that she still loves me. I asked her siblings if there were any boy or someone else courting her and also asked herself if there was any. She said none and also her siblings... so as of now the only reason why she doesn't want a relationship is because of my status and her status... (me being a graduating student and she is still a first year). Since December 25, I started giving her letters everyday and everyday she would read it and feels "touched" by it. As of now its already the 20th letter that I've given (just a single page) just to show my love for her.

So do you guys think I have a chance to her?? I love her so much that I show signs that I care and give her letters... by the way we live in the Philippines and that she is also a conservative type of girl... both of us are christians.

[TheEvilJester]

Believe me, I certainly could be wrong..... but it certainly sounds like too many convenient excuses for me. In other words, if she wanted to date you, I think she'd date you. I don't think she would worry what others might think. I mean, she might worry, but she wouldn't let that stop her from dating you. Hindsight is 20/20, and I admire you for trying to do something about it....

But I would say you should have talked to her/tried to help alleviate her concerns before just taking it upon yourself to talk to all these people. Maybe said something to her like "I really don't think people would have a problem with it, but if you'd like we could talk to them. If they are against it for any reason we can worry about it then, but otherwise why let it bother us?"

Again, I could certainly be wrong, but I more get the impression she just doesn't want to date you and is just trying to give any excuse she can. If I am correct, I can't necessarily speculate as to WHY she doesn't want to date you. Could have little to nothing to do with you. Maybe she just isn't ready to date. Who knows? It doesn't really matter, though, because the end result is the same.

It just feels to me a little too convenient that she seems to have another excuse any time you try to convince her she needn't worry about one. It is entirely up to you. Maybe you give it one last earnest attempt to ask her to just give it a shot and worry about her concerns only if and when they do become valid. However, I wouldn't recommend you wait on her for long, or continue to try to go about proving her concerns for nothing if she keeps coming up with reasons why she doesn't want to date. At some point, it is better for you to just move on. You shouldn't have to convince somebody of your worth. If they can't see it, they don't deserve you in the first place. Good luck!

[tossip]

I did say that I asked all my family and aunt and uncle regarding if its okay to have a relationship with the helper... I kind of lied to her about that... my dad does know that I like her but he feels like he is "forced" to accept the fact that I love my uncles helper but he wanted to me to have a relationship with another woman who is his co worker and is around the same age as me... he wants me to date someone who has proper work... but I don't love the woman and didn't make a move... also the ex bf of my dads co worker keeps on courting her... so I have a reason not to disturb their "progress" of coming back... I feel that my uncle's helper has somehow sensed that my father doesn't like her to be with me... because everytime we talk with each other, he is the only person that doesn't smile or tease... unlike my mom, sister, uncle and aunt...

Also someone else also advised me...
1."It's a really great embarrassment for her about your status and also about her being under your uncle's command so that also means she has great respect for you for not continuing the relationship" and "maybe your relationship will work once she is out of your uncle's house because in reality, you both don't have freedom... everytime you talk or flirt around with each other, there is your family and your uncles family always watching you... so maybe it is a only a good time to court her again once she exits from your uncle's house."

2."you really have a big chance for her getting back and have a non-on and off relationship type with her... just continue what you are doing sending letters and expressing your love for her... so that in the end you will have no regrets on whether or not you really fought for her and really expressed your serious about it."

I have a friend who had a situation like this... for like 8 months the girl would always reject her but because of his efforts he eventually got the girl... they are now married... through the course of their relationship, he would experience on and off relationship... but that didn't stop him from fighting the relationship... its because of him that made me this loyal when it comes to love...

[tossip]

BUMPED... I need more advice??

[TheEvilJester]

I don't understand why anybody would keep trying after 8 months of being rejected. I mean, apparently it worked for your friend, so good for him. It's just, that's almost a year of your life wasted constantly chasing after somebody who was repeatedly said no. I'd have to think it extremely rare that this tactic would ever work. Hell, even if it did, why would you want to be with somebody like that? If it took you months and months of convincing, I can't see how you'd ever feel like they truly wanted to be with you. In that situation, you basically had to force them to give you a shot.

So, maybe I misunderstood, but is when she is around your family (working for your uncle) the only time you actually see her? Can you not hang out outside of that situation? Because, I would definitely agree that around your family is really not the best place to be courting a girl, especially considering that is her work. It would seem extremely unprofessional of her to be flirting with/hanging out with you when she is supposed to be working for your uncle.

Is this a temporary job? In other words, is she going to be your uncle's maid/helper for the foreseeable future, or is there some time in the near future where she is likely to leave the job? If the job isn't going to last long, then I might agree with it being worth giving her time, such as in the first bit of advice somebody gave you above. At least then, after she is no longer in your uncle's employ, you can try again and find out if maybe her concerns were mostly due to that situation.

As it is, though, I don't recommend wasting too much time. Your friend's case is a very unusual situation. If a girl wants to date somebody, typically they will date him. If she doesn't want to, that usually isn't going to change. I certainly wouldn't recommend wasting months and months of your life courting somebody who never returns the interest. But, that is up to you. If you do think her concerns against it may be due to temporary issues that will change, then maybe you wait it out until they do change and see how it goes then. Either way, don't waste too much time. Like I said, you shouldn't have to convince her of your worth. If she isn't willing to give you a chance, then maybe she doesn't deserve that chance in the first place.

Good luck to you.

[tossip]

Her parents were okay with it, my parents are okay with it, it's just that she's finds it tiring for a committed relationship... So I thought of an alternative.

Well, I talked to her and asked her out yesterday, she did not agree to a committed relationship once again, but agreed to a "Mutual Understanding" relationship (I think we Filipinos made this term), it's another word for an open relationship, our promises were, not to date another guy/girl, it's okay for us to act like committed BF and GF, when she's busy, and I'm busy we'll understand it and our priorities are our lives (studies, work, family friends, etc.). And I was OK with it... She didn't tell what time it would be OK for a committed relationship.

Well ever since I suggested the open relationship, we still acted like we were in a relationship (the 6 day relationship), except for the kissing in the lips part (but it almost happened). Well, I could hold her hand, hug her and she would lean beside me, and me being able to kiss her (except the lips)...

Like I don't know, there are 3 other girls who have crushes on me... well I do like them but not that much, It's my uncle's helper where like 80% of my feelings go to... maybe along the way, while I'm still waiting, I'll flirt with other girls (specially the ones who have crushes), and we'll see if I can still wait for the right time.

Also to answer your question, by next week she will be leaving because she will find another Job, just a 10 minute ride to the city, well that way I can visit her without my parents and my uncle and we can date each other when she and me have our free time.

Any say in this??

[tossip]

BUMPED... like... anything?

[TheEvilJester]

Okay, so the situation being temporary, maybe you do revisit when she leaves the job with your uncle. That way, there is no longer the awkwardness of her working for your family member. To be honest, I would personally not recommend the whole "mutual understanding" type of relationship you suggest. I mean, unless you were really truly okay with that. It doesn't seem to me like you are, though. If I'm wrong, then great. More power to you. Enjoy it while you can.

However, I more so get the impression you are settling for that because she won't agree to more. Bottom line, you should never "settle." If she doesn't want a more meaningful relationship right now but you do, then maybe that just honestly means she's not the right match for you. Believe me, I understand how hard that can be to realize. I know how hard it can be to get over a crush. I get how part of you wants to keep them around in any way you can rather than just lose them outright.

Believe me, I could be wrong. There is a possibility that she just isn't interested in any serious relationship right now, and that given time she could want more of a relationship with you..... However, that is usually a pretty unlikely scenario. I mean, when any relationship starts anew, it is usually not very serious right off the bat. It takes time to get to know each other. However, to me it seems very telling that she is so adamant so early in whatever your relationship is to define that she's not looking for something more serious. Most likely, that will not change.

So, just my personal recommendation, but why waste your time? In all likelihood, things will never progress between you two and it will either just end, or she'll wind up falling for some other guy and only wind up hurting you. Again, not saying that is a definite foregone conclusion. I could very well be wrong. I'm just saying, you owe it to yourself not to waste too much time. If you want to keep trying, that is great and noble, and I wish you good luck. If it goes well, then awesome. Just don't waste too much time if it seems like it may never go anywhere. You deserve a gal who would be elated to go out with you, not one you have to convince that you are worth her time despite several ridiculous objections from her.

Good luck, friend.