He sees marriage as a piece of paper

[Annietobe7]

Hello!
I have a problem in my relationship right now. Ive been with my Bf for 18 months, we moved in together after 3 months, we both love each other a lot. Im 30, he's almost 38.
We're planning a round te world trip for a year, we're leaving in 2 months. I told him i want kids, he said he does too, so we planned to start conceiving in about 10 months during our trip. The thing is, i want to be married first. I waited for a proposal but it didnt come so i asked him yesterday how are you talking about trying to have a baby in 10 months if we're not gonna be married? And he said whats the problem, you dont have to be married to have a kid. He said marriage is for him just a piece of paper. I told him aha so you never want to get married! And he said he didnt say that but he hadnt thought about these kind of "details". I thought he was gonna propose at least during our trip but when he says he hasnt at all thought about it, it makes me really sad. Yes, we've not been together for 10 years, but i thought giving the fact that he's 38 he would at least think about it that maybe its time. He's never been married.
We decided to talk about it again today but i dont know what to say. I dont want to force him to marry me but i dont want to waste my time. And certainly i dont want to have a baby without being married. What do you think? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Thsnk you!

[TheEvilJester]

I could be wrong, but I get the impression that "marriage is just a piece of paper" is meaning two different things to you and to him. You view this as him not taking your relationship seriously. I could be wrong, but I think he is seeing it as exactly the opposite. I think his intention is to imply that he doesn't NEED a piece of paper to prove that he loves you. That, in his mind, you two are the perfect match and it doesn't matter if you have a piece of paper to show that or not.

So, if I am correct about his mind-set, then honestly, he really is correct. In the grand scheme of things, if two people really and truly love each other as much as a couple should, then marriage basically is just a piece of paper. It really is just making official what they already know anyway.

....Of course, that said, it is still an important piece of paper and an important step in any relationship. At least unless both parties are on board with not really caring if they make it legally official because they consider it official in their minds anyway. So, believe me, I'm not trying to imply it is okay for him to just decide he's not going to bother to propose/get married to you because he doesn't think he NEEDS that in order to prove his love to you. If it is important to you, IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, and you are not wrong for that, because it is an important step in almost any long-lasting relationship.

Have you two ever discussed it before? And I don't just mean in passing, I mean at length. If not, you should do that now. Do it sooner rather than later. Reason being, that is a conversation you really should have with a level head and without involving emotions (especially of the heightened variety). In other words, you don't want to be having that conversation because you are sick of waiting. You want to be having that conversation because you just want to share with him your vision/timeline of how and when you'd like to see things happening and also allow him to share his. It should be a casual conversation to make sure you two are on the same page and that your goals can align.

If you've not had that discussion, he may not have known your feelings on the matter. Maybe he just figured things were great with you two, so why fix what isn't broken? He's right that you don't have to be married to have a child together..... but at the same time, if that wouldn't be right for you, that doesn't make you wrong. Nor are you wrong to want marriage even if he may not think the actual official title is all that important.

So, open and honest communication is the prescription here, I would say. Who knows? Just because he thinks of marriage as just a piece of paper, that doesn't automatically mean he is opposed to the idea. Maybe if he knows it is important to you he will want to move forward with it as well. Not simply JUST because he knows it is what you want, but because it is making official what he sees as already official in his mind anyway.

Good luck to you.

[basilandthyme]

Hello!
I have a problem in my relationship right now. Ive been with my Bf for 18 months, we moved in together after 3 months, we both love each other a lot. Im 30, he's almost 38.
We're planning a round te world trip for a year, we're leaving in 2 months. I told him i want kids, he said he does too, so we planned to start conceiving in about 10 months during our trip. The thing is, i want to be married first. I waited for a proposal but it didnt come so i asked him yesterday how are you talking about trying to have a baby in 10 months if we're not gonna be married? And he said whats the problem, you dont have to be married to have a kid. He said marriage is for him just a piece of paper. I told him aha so you never want to get married! And he said he didnt say that but he hadnt thought about these kind of "details". I thought he was gonna propose at least during our trip but when he says he hasnt at all thought about it, it makes me really sad. Yes, we've not been together for 10 years, but i thought giving the fact that he's 38 he would at least think about it that maybe its time. He's never been married.
We decided to talk about it again today but i dont know what to say. I dont want to force him to marry me but i dont want to waste my time. And certainly i dont want to have a baby without being married. What do you think? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Thsnk you!

What are defacto laws in your country? If defacto partners don't have the same rights as legally married people, you may be able to add this to your discussion

[Wakeup]

I'm not sure why you'd want to get pregnant while you're travelling? Your whole thought process, IMO, on having children is whack.

Neither one of you have the right frame of mind to have children at this point. I think whether or not you're married isn't an issue at this point.

[basilandthyme]

I'm not sure why you'd want to get pregnant while you're travelling?

Yup. We renovated a bathroom while I was pregnant. Had to use the toilets in the park for a day. I remember laying on the grass outside trying to control my heaves after 'public toilet smell'.

Toilets when travelling are bad at the best of times. Morning sickness is bad at the best of times. Combining the two is nothing short of diabolical.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, good point. Somehow I missed that part. I would agree that I don't really think during a trip is the best time to be thinking of getting pregnant. I mean, for obvious reasons it isn't like I know from experience, but that just seems a bad idea. At least for such a long trip. It would really be much more ideal to experience most of the pregnancy from the comfort of your own home/home area. Though, to each his/her own. If that's really what you want, then more power to you.

[fearoflove]

I don't understand why you are upset about it. Both of you wants to start a family. But he just hasn't considered that getting married is important before that. It doesn't mean he is against it. If its important to you to do that first, then just tell him. Getting legally married first before having kids might even offer protection for the kids.

[TheEvilJester]

That was kind of my point too. I didn't get the impression from anything in the original story that he was necessarily opposed to the idea of marriage. I mean, I could certainly be wrong, but that's not the impression I got. More so, it seems to me he just doesn't see it as being necessary to prove what he already knows/feels in his heart. Just talk to him. It is entirely possible he'd be fine with getting married soon. Sure, it is also possible he IS opposed to marriage in general, but either way you are better off knowing which is the case. You won't know unless you ask. Good luck.

[dollhouse]

Pushing someone with that mindset on marriage won't go well for you, he will do it if it's his choice and decision and probably only his .. no influence from you on it. Maybe he might surprise you on your trip but if he does not want to get married and you do, you should definitely rethink the getting pregnant scenario on your world trip.