fell inlove with a younger woman.

[tossip]

So there's this young woman (she just recently turned 18 last December 8) that I began to have feelings for. She is currently a helper or maid in my uncle's house. Our house and my uncle's is very near to each other so basically its a two house compound. I only noticed her back in October 2015 when she started working as a helper to aid her financial needs when going to college... I only ever did start talking to her in the 2nd week of December when my uncle's family and my mother and father and sister are away on vacation and I was left at home because I had school and my thesis to take care of. I'm a graduating student by the way, 22 years old and she is a 1st year college student... so that's a 4 year age gap.

So in order to not bore myself out at home I started talking to her when she's alone at my uncle's home. We talked about a lot of things like the memories from high school (especially the crazy stuff being done during those times), our favorite tv shows, 9GAG jokes, YouTube vids and anime. I also make her laugh a lot so not to make the situation awkward when I run out of topics. She's a little hard to talk to because she's not the first one to make topics. I mean you have to think of something yourself so that she can start talking again and when it comes to cellphone or Facebook chats, she also has very little replies. I commented about her not being too talkative. She said she's been like that ever since and even her friends complained about that habit of hers. At first I thought I was being a bit awkward at her but after knowing that, I at least know she treats me normally.

I also discovered that she never had a relationship since birth... well she did kind of had a relationship back in her 2nd year high school but if they have a relationship for like only 2 weeks, I don't think it would count off as a legit relationship... I would have to say about 6 months is where a true relationship happens... she also agreed to that part. Ever since then she rejected any advances on any male that would try to date her. I looked at the faces of her crushes both in high school and college and how they comment or behave in social media and hopefully I don't sound like I'm boasting or bragging anything but umm... I'm kind of well... better? I mean I can't really judge it solely on how they behave in social media. I mean we have to see them in person first of course to tell. This is just a personal comparison for myself.

So today my family and my uncle has finally come back and she got a little bit more busy again and I myself am also busy though maybe at weekends we could start to hang out together again. But back when we were still alone at my uncle's house visiting her everyday, we would talk from 6 am until night and sometimes I would even sleep at the couch in my uncle's. So yeah, because of that, I have feelings for her... it also kind of felt like we were acting like live ins together being that I always visit her. I asked her if this is the first time she has ever talked to a boy this long. She said yes... because she's never had a male sibling at home... and not even the boys or her crushes back in highschool and in college now.

So I don't know if I'll even attempt to try to date her because she said so herself that she's not interested in having relationships and that she wants to concentrate on her studies... I'm not sure if she's indirectly telling me that she does not want to date me or if that was just part of our conversation or maybe both. Well my first move at least is to make a FRIENDSHIP LETTER to her... and maybe even sing a love song to her but not actually saying that I love her... so I'm doing some non risky moves at first because we've only been talking for like a week and saying my feelings to her and her rejecting me will really hurt our friendship...so right now I'm trying to slowly build up my relationship to her and when the right time comes (I don't know when that will be yet but I'll come up for more plans) maybe I'll tell her.

So I kind of sound desperate and may seem like I've never had a girlfriend before... I actually had 3 girlfriends from the past... one from me at age 16, 19 and then at 21. I broke up with my 3rd gf last year... but this is the first time I ever felt this infatuated at someone... I mean 7 days and 12 hours per day spending time with her... it was like a dream come true... even I had never had that much time with my past gfs when our relationship was still fresh (or just started dating)... But I'm not THAT desperate with her though... I mean at college, and at church at least 4 girls do have crushes (at least to some that I've discovered due to their friends telling me) so if I failed at this attempt on trying to date my 18 year old friend living at my uncle's, at least I have some back up. Soo... any advices so far?

EDIT: Also I want to mention, were from the Philippines. People here are a lot more conservative and also she is not a city dweller as well. her home is in a rural area and only recently moved to our location where she can now experience what it's like being in a city.

[tossip]

Bumped.. Can anybody help? Hmm... this forum used to have more participants... I wonder what happened.

[emotionaid]

Hi there,

From what I've read, because she has never been in a relationship before, it could take a little longer for her to be comfortable. If she is focusing on her studies, respect her decision, there could not be any other implications other than she might really want to focus on her studies. Being conservative as well, it may be a little hard for her to display signs that she may be interested. Remember a relationship requires more than just infatuation to last. Spend more time with her, get to know her a little more and eventually when she is comfortable enough she might open up and show more clearer signals as to whether she is interested or not. Do not be impatient as like you said it can come across as desperation or lust.

I'd suggest you ask her to hang out in a different environment or maybe go out to have a meal, coffee or shopping. Maybe refrain from the love songs and letters at this stage. It may be too overwhelming and could deter her. Let her enjoy what you are doing now and just understand that initiating something like a relationship too quickly could end up in disaster.

[tossip]

so even the friendship letter is also dangerous? because she might see it as some sort of hidden love letter?

[melancholia]

I think the original post is a bit too long, so people might not read it. While I don't normally get pedantic about age gaps, she only just turned 18, which is young. She only just entered adulthood and could be in a completely different stage of her life than you are - but only time will come to tell that fact.

Do not write her a weird letter. Its interpretation can be left wide open and she could take it out of context really easily. Also, she directly told you she isn't interested in a relationship right now. I don't understand why so many people ignore people who say they aren't interested in a relationship. Whether she isn't interested in a relationship at all, or specifically with you, is irrelevant. Please listen to what she says and pay attention to her reasoning as well. She said she wants to focus on her studies, which is commendable and understandable. If you want to become friends with her, your best bet is to get to know her as a person, and build a foundation of a connection through who she is. Find your common interests and create a safe space for her to feel comfortable around you. Do not put undue pressure on her to move at a pace she isn't comfortable with, but by all means, try and establish a friendship with her if you can (and if that is something you want).

[tossip]

okay... I've decided that I'll just grow close to her at least... I won't court her or try to date her or anything... also I gave her the letter and my gift anyway... she liked it. Though she said it was kind of long. Well... I will play the waiting game... if she doesn't show any affection or at least show signs of affection, I'll stop and just be her friend... if she does, I'll just do the "romantic excitement" stuff or "kilig" in our native language and not date her... my cousin told me not to date her because of her age and is most probably "fickle" minded... and due to her fickle mindedness she might do a on and off relationship IF we hook up together... I kind of like the idea of the romantic excitement stuff rather than a full actually dating her.

[smarta$$]

I didn't read your entire post (sorry, too long) but 18 and 22 is okay in my book. Half plus 7 is the rule.

[melancholia]

There is no rule about difference in age when it comes to dating, but you want to make sure you are at the same stage of life as the other person. For a 25 year old to date a 15 year old is highly inappropriate for several reasons, but for a 35 year old to date a 25 year old isn't inappropriate at all because they most likely have similar life experiences.

OP: if you are truly okay with just being friends and getting to know her, that is great. But if you find yourself pining for her and wanting more than just a friendship, you have to pull back. It's not fair to say to someone that you will be their friend if your intentions are not pure.

[tossip]

hmm yeah... I know it is unfair... but what kind of pull back do you mean? stop being her friend? or just tone down me visiting her?

[benfletcher82]

There is no rule about difference in age when it comes to dating, but you want to make sure you are at the same stage of life as the other person. For a 25 year old to date a 15 year old is highly inappropriate for several reasons, but for a 35 year old to date a 25 year old isn't inappropriate at all because they most likely have similar life experiences.

OP: if you are truly okay with just being friends and getting to know her, that is great. But if you find yourself pining for her and wanting more than just a friendship, you have to pull back. It's not fair to say to someone that you will be their friend if your intentions are not pure.

This is great advice, OP. You should listen to it.

It's not fair to yourself or to her if you won't settle for just being friends in the long run and letting go of the feelings you have for her.

[tossip]

Hmm... like I said, I'm not that desperate... it's just that most of my feelings just gotten into her. I also have someone I like other than my 18 year old friend. She's a 20 year old close friend of mine, she is also the one advising me about my relation to my 18 year old friend... you guys said the same thing... I also tried flirting with her through chat or text to which she jokingly (I don't know if joke or serious) flirts back as well like "well I know I can't date my 18 year old friend because she's too young... how about you" or somewhere around that... but I don't know if she really feels the same way... I asked her seriously and said "hmm well why not? we could make it work". At first I only tested her what her reply would be but didn't expect to see it coming like that. Also it feels like I'm treating her like some sort of backup... I say to myself... "Doesn't she at least feel bad about how I'm treating her or something?". I don't know if a joke or serious...

any advice from this case at least? from my 20 year old friend.

[tossip]

UPDATE: Guys, umm she said she has a crush on me... any advices so far??

[tossip]

BUMPED... oh well...

[Wakeup]

Just ask her out on a date FFS.

[tossip]

Another Update... uhmm... I courted her January 5, 2016 11:44AM... justa few hours ago... we're already dating... I'll be posting on another thread about my new girlfriend... anyways... thanks for the advices guys...