Is friendship with the wife of a crush possible?

[melancholia]

that my dear makes you a narcassistic biatch who just needs to be locked up or institutionalized!!

This is excessive. And rude. However, I agree that Wakeup isn't being mean - there's no sense of maliciousness coming from what she is saying. She is correct that the line has been crossed from platonic friendship to an emotional affair. Even if it seems trivial to you, OP, I guarantee this man's wife wouldn't see it that way. I think she would have a very difficult time wondering what your intentions were with her, if she were to ever find out the conversation you had with her husband.

I honestly don't see this friendship working out. Sure, you can get over your feelings, but if you pick your friendship back up, I guarantee you will not have created strong enough boundaries to be able to fight those feelings. Yes, your feelings are natural and it's believable that you didn't intend for those feelings to occur, but after the conversation you had with the husband, I think it's in everyone's best interest if you all go your separate ways.

[lightstar]

I am not being excessive. only a narcissist would pretend to be besties with the wife of the man she plans on (subconciously or consciously) f**king

[melancholia]

Comparing an emotional affair to someone with a mental illness or someone who is a criminal is ridiculous. They are not equivalent; pay attention to the words you're using. You are entitled to your opinion, but that statement is ludicrous. Let's get real here, the husband is much more responsible for this situation than the OP. Yes, everyone plays a role in this, but he is the one who is married. She isn't. He has so much more to lose and he was being foolish. Luckily, nothing physical happened, and nothing more than the initial confession was discussed. Now that it's on the table, both the OP and the husband need to cut ties, or this will become a pattern.

[tarapaine]

OP, I understand you completely as I am in a similar situation. Don't listen to lightstar, she is very negative. She had the same attitude with me. You are right that we cannot control our feelings but we CAN control our ACTIONS, and it seems that is exactly what you have done. So do NOT feel guilty!

I think if you feel comfortable that you would never do anything you should be able to be friends, if that is what makes you happy.

[that EmmaGirl]

It is not mean! you asked for advice. you got it. whether you choose to listen to it or not is up to you!!

some women make my blood boil! It is just disgusting that you feel it is okay to interlope on a marriage but even more disgusting that you think you can do it by pretending to be friends with the wife

that my dear makes you a narcassistic biatch who just needs to be locked up or institutionalized!!

whoa... that escalated quickly.

So ok, maybe saying that calling this an affair is mean was not right. I did that because I honestly felt that it was not my fault. I had actually distanced myself from him before he said he had feelings. I didn't talk to him after he said that. Having an affair, even an emotional one, would sort of imply reciprocity. I cut that off. I did not reciprocate. And even the mere thought of having a physical affair made me sick at that point because I like and respect his wife.

And NO, I am most definitely NOT interloping on a marriage. And I am NOT friends with his wife to get closer to him! Why would you think that!?
I met her because he and I work at the same place, but my interactions with her were with HER alone, not with him.
Throwing accusations and writing up your warped classification/psychological profile of me (i.e. "narcissistic" and "b-word") is way out of line.
I'm not sure why you would react like this. I hope it's not because of some personal problem.

Yes, I asked for advice and I got some really good advice. However, I did not ask for accusations. Believe me, I feel bad enough as it is.

Also, I never, I reiterate *never*, thought/dreamt about him as my mate ever since I found out he's taken! I liked him, yes, but I banned ever dreaming about him in any capacity other than friend.
It's hard to take accusations like these when all I've tried to do is NOT be selfish (I think this is the adjective you were going for rather than narcissistic, which tends to be used in other contexts more appropriately, but alas, language is an ever-changing set of rules, so who knows).

[Lilly328]

Thatemmagirl to me is at least have more controll and more considerate of those feelings who's around her, not trying to hurt his wife than the other girl that posted earlier.

Anyway, you do seems caring and not selfish at all. I am in fact friends with a woman who used to have a huge crush on my fiance. Started out just like you except my fiance told me about her and what they do. She got to know me and backed off. She ignored me because she didn't want to cause any problem and ruin the friendship with both of us. I told her I was never angry since I know about her and they never crossed any bounderies. We're still friends til now and she is now with a guy who she is deeply in love with. Doesn't even have time for us anymore bahh.

[melancholia]

Good for you, for having the wherewithal to be able to work around natural feelings of jealousy. I love hearing stories like yours, Lilly328, where it works out well for everyone involved.

[Wakeup]

OP, I understand you completely as I am in a similar situation. Don't listen to lightstar, she is very negative. She had the same attitude with me. You are right that we cannot control our feelings

You are incorrect in that. You can control your feelings by backing away when you feel a bond forming that is inappropriate and that is NOT IN YOU BEST INTERESTS. Flirting and carrying on one-on-once with a married man to the point that it leads to vulnerability, which in turn leads to bonding is no way to control one's feelings though. Doing those things is feeding any emotions that are bubbling up... Absolving the OP of any wrong doing is not helping her to see how the consequences of her actions have impacted both her and this man and subsequently, his wife who as Melancholia has pointed out, will only assume that there was a plot in place if she ever finds out about the "bond" you two have been forming.

I think if you feel comfortable that you would never do anything you should be able to be friends, if that is what makes you happy.

You, like Op are not taken into consideration the emotional affair aspect and are thinking that just because there is no physical cheating that its all innocent. Don't fool yourself and please don't encourage the Op to insinuate herself in this couples lives. Neither of you are taking into consideration how this man will be able to control his own feelings, you're basing your advise on your own ability to disengage emotionally.

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whoa... that escalated quickly.

So ok, maybe saying that calling this an affair is mean was not right. I did that because I honestly felt that it was not my fault. I had actually distanced myself from him before he said he had feelings. I didn't talk to him after he said that. Having an affair, even an emotional one, would sort of imply reciprocity. I cut that off.

Yes, but you only cut "it" off after he confessed his feelings. The whole time prior to that, you had feelings for him that you were showing him in actions.

I did not reciprocate.

You are lying to yourself. You did reciprocate and you even told him that you had been crushing on him. He saw the emotional response to him, in you and had the balls to ask you about it.

And even the mere thought of having a physical affair made me sick at that point because I like and respect his wife.

You have some boundaries in place which is great and I think you are starting to understand more about emotional affairs but you are far from admitting your culpability in this that led up to you finally backing off.

And NO, I am most definitely NOT interloping on a marriage. And I am NOT friends with his wife to get closer to him! Why would you think that!?

because it's not such a far stretch to think that someone you are emotionally involved with inside of work, you'd like to continue to be with outside of work and knowing and befriending the wife would facilitate that. You've explained that that was not your intention, so no need to further dissect IMO. Surely you can use your imagination to understand how your actions would look to a woman whose husband confesses HIS crush on you. (if he should ever do such a thing)

Throwing accusations and writing up your warped classification/psychological profile of me (i.e. "narcissistic" and "b-word") is way out of line.

Perhaps the name calling was but the conclusions were not all that far off... until you clarified.

I'm not sure why you would react like this. I hope it's not because of some personal problem.

Its likely not anything that any of us are projecting. It is just the nature of the beast and if you have read the link or any other on emotional affairs, appropriate relationship boundaries and you have good personal one's in place, then it's not hard to imagine why she or any of us would react as they have to your story.

Yes, I asked for advice and I got some really good advice. However, I did not ask for accusations. Believe me, I feel bad enough as it is.

Why did you allow yourself to do bonding rituals with this man that you had more feelings then simple platonic then? That is something you should ask yourself and get a good answer so that you don't allow yourself to become emotional towards a platonic friend who is taken, ever again.

Also, I never, I reiterate *never*, thought/dreamt about him as my mate ever since I found out he's taken! I liked him, yes, but I banned ever dreaming about him in any capacity other than friend.

You cannot be "friend" when you are involved emotionally. When your platonic feelings changed, that is when you should have done the right thing and stopped all bonding rituals with him. Learn from the error of your ways.

It's hard to take accusations like these when all I've tried to do is NOT be selfish

You really don't see how you were selfish prior to him confessing that he reciprocated your feelings, do you? Well, at least you have backed off now and hopefully being around him at work everyday won't encourage feeeeeeeeeeelings in either of you.

Good luck in letting go quickly and cleanly. Keep in mind that you cannot possibly control his feelings. That's up to him and if he is still harbouring any, then do the right thing and completely ignore any attempts by him to keep you engaged.

[suenelson]

He has already "betrayed his wife" by allowing the interaction between the two of you to become what is know as an emotional affair. The minute he started to feel more then platonic / older brother type mentor feelings for you, he should have started to back away from you and certainly he should have cut out all alone time outside of work with you. YOU, well, you knew he was married and you went ahead and played on your own feelings for him by getting closer and closer to him instead of backing away and doing everything you could to quench your crushy feelings.

Now is the time for You to back off and stop all unnecessary interaction that has nothing to do with your jobs. No lunches, no lingering glances or sparkly eyes at one another over "inside jokes."

This is why its very important for EVERYONE who is in a committed relationship to keep strong relationship boundaries in place and don't be having one-on-one lunches and alone time with members of the opposite sex. We are all human afterall and temptation is a way of life... particularly now a days with all of the social media and instant gratification addictions going on.

Back off, darl'n and tell him to do the same.

As for your question: No, it is impossible for you to have a friendship with the wife of the man you are crushing on. How do you ever expect to cleanse him from your mind and feeeeeeeeeeelings when you are in his company even more then just at work?

Agree with you here, Wakeup. It's a slippery slope, and even if you don't start to sleep with him eventually, it does start to be an emotional affair.

Also, it's tough to do, but I wouldn't just ignore and forget. You should tackle this directly and do the right thing.

[that EmmaGirl]

Thatemmagirl to me is at least have more controll and more considerate of those feelings who's around her, not trying to hurt his wife than the other girl that posted earlier.

Anyway, you do seems caring and not selfish at all. I am in fact friends with a woman who used to have a huge crush on my fiance. Started out just like you except my fiance told me about her and what they do. She got to know me and backed off. She ignored me because she didn't want to cause any problem and ruin the friendship with both of us. I told her I was never angry since I know about her and they never crossed any bounderies. We're still friends til now and she is now with a guy who she is deeply in love with. Doesn't even have time for us anymore bahh.

It's very encouraging to hear stories like yours! For so many reasons...
Most of all this really gives me hope that everything might work out and I might be friends with both of them down the line.
For now I really cannot imagine hanging out with both of them, even less so with him alone -- it's far too early for that -- but I definitely want to keep the relationship with her up.
I know I would never let anything happen between him and me; and I won't even have any kind of interactions with him until I feel like I'm back to a normal state (and until he is too). I'm friends with her for *her* not him!

Feelings of infatuation pass. Love is so much more, and therefore, for me, there isn't and never was anything close to love. And I feel it would be kind of a pity to give up a potentially great friendship because of feelings of infatuation.

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Why did you allow yourself to do bonding rituals with this man that you had more feelings then simple platonic then? That is something you should ask yourself and get a good answer so that you don't allow yourself to become emotional towards a platonic friend who is taken, ever again.

Ok, the thing with this is: he was not the first man I had a very good relationship with.
I have many male friends, we flirt, we tease, we're very close. Some of them started out with crushes on me and I've had a crush on one of my friends prior to us becoming friends. But boundaries were never crossed. All of those remained friendships and the feelings eventually subsided. My two best friends are men and we have a relationship I couldn't tell apart from my relationship with the man I'm talking about in this thread.
THAT's where my problem came from. I assumed that everything was business as usual and that my feelings would go away (which they definitely started to do prior to him confusing me by telling me about his) and everything would be ok.

I don't have problems with boundaries and telling friendship from "more than friendship"... normally.
It's just not always that easy in real life.

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Also, can I mention how mad some of the points in that "emotional affair" article make me?
i) this is very hetoronormative! what about bisexual people? should they just stop having friends altogether, because they're tempted by both sexes?
ii) many of the points that are presented about what makes up an emotional affair apply to what women talk to about with their girlfriends (maybe men with their friends as well, I wouldn't know). Does that mean I had an emotional affair with my best (girl) friend while I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend? There certainly were things I only shared with her, etc.

[Wakeup]

Also, can I mention how mad some of the points in that "emotional affair" article make me?
i) this is very hetoronormative! what about bisexual people? should they just stop having friends altogether, because they're tempted by both sexes?

Stop being so obtuse when things don't jell with your stubborn agenda. Certainly, that if a bisexual person has a platonic friendship that is morphing into more then platonic then YES... he or she should bloody well back the **** off and stop doing one-on-one interaction with one another if either or both are already in a relationship. Surely to god you don't expect to be doing disrespectful and inappropriate interactions with your "friend" when you are in a relationship and your over-the-top flirting or joking is so disrespectful to one's primary partner. The dynamic of any opposite sex friendship should always change once the two bi-sexual or hetrosexual friends become involved with someone and there is more to their "friendship" then platonic feelings. Flirting and hanging out one on one when there is more then platonic feelings for either or is inappropriate, disrespectful and as you have found out causes bad things to happen to good people. You play with fire with your OSF's and with your "This makes me so hopeful that we can continue to be friends" attitude... You will be in this situation once again as sure as shit because you just.don't.get.it.

ii) many of the points that are presented about what makes up an emotional affair apply to what women talk to about with their girlfriends (maybe men with their friends as well, I wouldn't know). Does that mean I had an emotional affair with my best (girl) friend while I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend? There certainly were things I only shared with her, etc.

I get angry when I see such moronic statements as that one ^^^^
I am tempted to call you a troll now because surely you can not be serious with that bs you just spewed. I will answer though... did you have romantic feelings for your best girl friend? If you did, then yes, you were having an emotional affair with her. FFS.

[that EmmaGirl]

I get angry when I see such moronic statements as that one ^^^^
I am tempted to call you a troll now because surely you can not be serious with that bs you just spewed. I will answer though... did you have romantic feelings for your best girl friend? If you did, then yes, you were having an emotional affair with her. FFS.

I was not saying that this is what I feel. I was merely responding to that article and similar ones.
Fact is "romantic feelings" are sometimes hard to detect at first, and the points that are listed (with the exception of the daydreaming one) don't necessarily apply to romantic friendships only.
Again, I'm *not* saying that I'm not getting it in *this* particular situation. I'm thinking more generally. I've known people I thought I had romantic feelings for, but a few days later said to myself "seriously? what was I thinking? how could I ever have thought that what I'm feeling is romantic?!"
It is not easy for everyone to tell romantic and platonic apart, and while these pointers might help some people, they DO have a tendency to go very black and white.
I experience many of those with my best (male) friend who I've never had feelings for and whom I spend a lot of one-on-one time with.
I'm not saying "to hell with all these boundaries, whatever!" All I'm saying is: life is not always as clear as a neatly itemized list might make it out to be.

Also, I'm most certainly not obtuse just because I might disagree with you on the "don't spend one-on-one time with the opposite sex, it might go too far" rule. All I did was attack a few holes in the argumentation. It's not a personal attack against you or your beliefs and you don't have to get so angry about it.

[Wakeup]

You're not being "obtuse" because you don't agree with me, you're being obtuse because you justify everything you do as not being what many articles have been written about, you justify your over the top behaviour of flirting, your crushes on your OSF's and them on you and you fail to see that your way of interacting with men is inappropriate when they or you are in a relationship.

I give up on you. You are not going to change and you will be finding yourself in trouble like this all through your life (pity your husband or life-partner) because you can't see the error of your ways. Sure, I give you kudos for backing off now but had you behaved differently then non of this would have happened. You gave off a vibe to him and he responded to it. Now you have to see him at work everyday and he has some serious personal insight to go through to get you out of his head and his focus back on his wife.

I'm not angry that we disagree, like I said, stupid remarks are what make me angry and what you said was moronic. In fact, it proved that you have no idea about what you read and are totally closed off to learning that one-on-one interaction with a member of the opposite sex when one or the other is in a primary relationship ALWAYS has a chance of developing into what happened to you and this man. You had a crush and he certainly picked up on it and threw caution to the wind now didn't he.

BTW: You never answered my earlier question: How would you feel if your husband was meeting up one-on-one, flirting, having behind your back missives and communication after hours and that he developed feelings for her and she him.

[lightstar]

just to be clear: I don't believe it is narcissitic to get involved in an emotional affair.

It is however narcissistic to smile in the wifes face whilst stabbing her in the back.

It would be wise to distance yourself completely from him and her, get on with your life and get over him.

and tara your story was so unbeliavable that I think you are a troll. I honestly don't think anyone can be so emotionally un-intelligent

[Wakeup]

and tara your story was so unbeliavable that I think you are a troll.

Yes... Talk about inappropriate behaviour with an opposite sex friend... Jayzus!