Is friendship with the wife of a crush possible?

[that EmmaGirl]

Before I get all the "but how can you be after a married guy?!" responses: I am not trying to steal this man away form his wife! At all! Ever.

The whole situation is very complicated and I have such terribly mixed feelings that I don't know what to do.

I know this man from work. He is not my boss, because I work in a different division, but he is higher in the hierarchy. We met over 2 years ago and I there was a certain spark right away, but we hardly ever interacted. Then I got promoted and we got to know each other better. We often had lunch together and walked to the subway together to and from work. The relationship was always very proper. There was some light teasing, but I always interpreted is a friendship-thing, not a flirtation. But ever since I had gotten to know him better, I had this crush on him.
He has a wife though, who didn't come up in many early conversations, because those were mostly distant, but as we got closer and started talking about leisure activities and such, he mentioned his wife and his two kids (10 and 14) every now and then.
So it was perfectly clear to me that there will never be anything more between us than friendship. And I was perfectly fine with that. I like him a lot, but if he's taken, I can deal with that. It's normal.
A few months ago I met his wife and since the two of us were getting closer I have sort of become a friend of the family.

All of that would be perfectly ok, were it not for the fact that he recently told me he really likes me.
As our relationship began to develop into friendship, we would smile at each other cordially when passing each other at work and we had in-jokes and would look at each other and smile when something came up and sometimes his gaze would linger on me for a bit longer. But I always interpreted all of that as signs of friendship.
I had no reason to believe otherwise: a) He is 8 years older and pretty much where I want to be in my career a few years from now, so I always thought he looks at me that way because he's proud of my progress and likes how my skills are developing.
b) He and his wife are an *amazing* couple. It's so clear that they truly love each other and are both content. Since I know her very well by now, I know that it's not just something I'm projecting, but they both really feel that way.
While I haven't been able to shut off my feelings for him, I *never* made any indications along those line.
And that's why I was utterly surprised by this.

How it happened: So we were talking in a larger group of people and locked eyes, for a bit too long as it seems, and for some reason he saw how I feel and decided he wanted to talk to me. He asked, very carefully, whether I feel something more than friendship for him. I asked why he's asking me that and he said that he feels something between us.
And I admitted that I had/have this crush on him, but I would never act on it, because I respect his marriage and I respect his wife. He said he has feelings for me too, that he tried to hide them and get over them, but he has them, but he is married and he loves his wife and that he really doesn't know why it's possible, but apparently it's possible to love two people.
I was shocked and I couldn't say anything back.
That was 10 days ago and I've been successfully avoiding him.

And now I'm in this mess: I feel all these different things. Yes, I love him too, but I've chosen to ignore that.
And the worst thing is: I really like his wife, I value our friendship and we've been getting closer and closer over the past few months.
So close that it helped forgetting/ignoring my feelings for him, because I saw the love between them and it somehow made it better instead of worse.
And now this?!

I don't know what to do. I really want to stay friends with them, but I keep thinking that I shouldn't if he really feels this way.
On the other hand, he said himself that he would never betray his wife, so maybe we CAN really be friends?
And maybe the feelings simmer down after a while?
I don't want to make him feel bad and maybe staying around them when he has conflicted emotions because of me *is* bad?
I am so confused!

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

[Wakeup]

He has already "betrayed his wife" by allowing the interaction between the two of you to become what is know as an emotional affair. The minute he started to feel more then platonic / older brother type mentor feelings for you, he should have started to back away from you and certainly he should have cut out all alone time outside of work with you. YOU, well, you knew he was married and you went ahead and played on your own feelings for him by getting closer and closer to him instead of backing away and doing everything you could to quench your crushy feelings.

Now is the time for You to back off and stop all unnecessary interaction that has nothing to do with your jobs. No lunches, no lingering glances or sparkly eyes at one another over "inside jokes."

This is why its very important for EVERYONE who is in a committed relationship to keep strong relationship boundaries in place and don't be having one-on-one lunches and alone time with members of the opposite sex. We are all human afterall and temptation is a way of life... particularly now a days with all of the social media and instant gratification addictions going on.

Back off, darl'n and tell him to do the same.

As for your question: No, it is impossible for you to have a friendship with the wife of the man you are crushing on. How do you ever expect to cleanse him from your mind and feeeeeeeeeeelings when you are in his company even more then just at work?

[melancholia]

And now I'm in this mess: I feel all these different things. Yes, I love him too, but I've chosen to ignore that.

You went from "crush" to "love" in a few short paragraphs. I think that on some level, you wanted this to happen, or you would have stopped the blossoming friendship a long time ago. I am not saying I blame you for your feelings, you can't help how you feel. But your actions have brought you to where you are now, and you are feeling the consequences. Do not make the mistake of acting further on these feelings. You have a lot to lose here, with the first and foremost important aspect being your self-worth and the second, being your career. Do not become the side dish, when you should be someone's appetizer, main course, and dessert.

And the worst thing is: I really like his wife, I value our friendship and we've been getting closer and closer over the past few months.
So close that it helped forgetting/ignoring my feelings for him, because I saw the love between them and it somehow made it better instead of worse.

Reinforce this into your brain every time you feel those crush type feelings creeping in. Keep some distance from this guy for a while until you can think clearly. When you can think properly, you will see how inappropriate it would be to carry on this friendship after both you and this guy have articulated feelings for each other. If you have any respect for yourself, this man, and his wife, then you will bough out immediately and move on. You can make other friends.

[Hannie]

I can so relate to this. You're not to blame, that EmmaGirl, catching feelings for someone isn't something we intend to do, especially when they're married. And it's even harder to give up on something that feels so right, even when it's entirely wrong.
I'll tell you what I do know; you can't be 'just friends' with someone you have feelings for. It never works. At best, you'll both be able to stop anything physical from happening, but you'll be torturing yourselves for as long as it continues. At worst, the affair will develop and that nice wife you like so much will have her life torn apart, betrayed by her husband AND her new best friend.
For YOUR sake, move on. You can revisit the friendship when you no longer have feelings for him, but you won't get rid of those feelings while you have him around as a constant reminder. You need space, and the opportunity to find someone who can commit to you. You deserve that.

[that EmmaGirl]

Thank you for the replies.

I think the advice to stay away from him until I can think clearly is very good.
The friendship with his wife is actually a tougher aspect of all of this, because she keeps texting me and asking whether she did something wrong and why I had been avoiding her for the past two weeks.

About the whole blame part: yes, it is my fault that I'm in this situation. However, I was not planning on this going any further!
I've had a crush in the past and he is now my best friend and I have other male friends i can have lunch with alone without any feelings developing.
I truly did not form a friendship with him as any kind of pathway towards love!!
And neither did he, I assume.

Am I to understand, that you would cut off any private communication because you're married/in a commited relationship?! That seems a bit much.

But so far, I'm definitely still keepig my distance and will do that for the foreseeable future.

Additionally, to come to his defense here: One cannot help one's feelings. Many people can experience feelings like that over the course of a relationship. However, whether one acts on these feelings or not is a true test of character. And neither of us has done the latter. I don't plan on becoming a mistress or breaking up a marriage!!! That was NOT my problem.
This is more about my feelings towards his wife, really.

[melancholia]

Thank you for the replies.

I think the advice to stay away from him until I can think clearly is very good.
The friendship with his wife is actually a tougher aspect of all of this, because she keeps texting me and asking whether she did something wrong and why I had been avoiding her for the past two weeks.

I certainly feel you have been sincere about how this situation is weighing on you, and I understand it's a very difficult situation to find yourself in.

I have to ask though, and you don't have to answer on this forum, but ask this question for yourself: How much do you really value this friendship you have with his wife? Or could it be possible that you want to continue a friendship with her, so you can continue to get closer to your crush? I ask this, because if I was the wife in this situation, and I ever found out that a new friend of mine openly admitted to my husband that she had feelings for him, the first thing I would assume is that the entire friendship was a rouse to get to my husband; and I would immediately end that friendship without a second thought. I am not suggesting that she knows the extent of what's gone on between you and her husband (especially if she is still reaching out to you), but IF she does find out, you will never be able to regain her trust again and your friendship will be ruined. As well as the one you have with this man.

About the whole blame part: yes, it is my fault that I'm in this situation. However, I was not planning on this going any further!
I've had a crush in the past and he is now my best friend and I have other male friends i can have lunch with alone without any feelings developing.
I truly did not form a friendship with him as any kind of pathway towards love!!
And neither did he, I assume.

I believe that you did not intend for these feelings to develop, however there's no way to know for sure what he was thinking. However, he is the one who's married, so he has far more to lose if this mutual crush doesn't subside. Having said that, I don't think this is really a case of who's to blame, because these things happen, and you are 100% correct that people can have these feelings without acting on them. However, both of you have acted on these feelings, by admitting them to each other, which is extremely disrespectful to his wife and their marriage. Now it's out in the open and you can't take it back. Now you are stuck in this predicament, feeling guilty and confused, and probably emotionally exhausted.

How exactly do you want this situation to work out? Do you want to be able to stay friends with both of these people? Do you want to be romantically involved with this man at some point? How important, really, are either of these people to your life? What would you be missing in your life if you weren't friends with them? I am only asking these questions so you stop and think about what you are getting out of this relationship. Find the source of your feelings that creates this need inside of you to continue this relationship. We do not do things unless it serves us in some way, so start doing some soul searching homework and find out why, and how, you got to where you are now.

Am I to understand, that you would cut off any private communication because you're married/in a commited relationship?! That seems a bit much.

No. But this is an entirely different, far more specific circumstance than simply staying in contact with an old friend. This is someone who is married, whom you have openly admitted you have feelings for, and he has admitted the same to you. Cutting off contact with him wouldn't only be a wise decision, it is the most appropriate way to handle the situation.

But so far, I'm definitely still keepig my distance and will do that for the foreseeable future.

Good. Keep doing that.

Additionally, to come to his defense here: One cannot help one's feelings. Many people can experience feelings like that over the course of a relationship. However, whether one acts on these feelings or not is a true test of character. And neither of us has done the latter. I don't plan on becoming a mistress or breaking up a marriage!!! That was NOT my problem.
This is more about my feelings towards his wife, really.

Agreed. I don't think anyone disagrees with the fact that we can't help how we feel about people. But we can absolutely help, and are directly responsible for, the actions we take in response to these feelings. You don't plan on becoming a mistress or breaking up a marriage, but it is a plausible result that could ruin any potential you have for a relationship with either of these people.

[that EmmaGirl]

melancholia, thank you for this great reply!!
You really helped me a lot and I appreciate your support and the plethora of questions to ask myself. It did not just help me, but actually made me feel better, because I realized a lot about the situation.

I have to ask though, and you don't have to answer on this forum, but ask this question for yourself: How much do you really value this friendship you have with his wife? Or could it be possible that you want to continue a friendship with her, so you can continue to get closer to your crush? I ask this, because if I was the wife in this situation, and I ever found out that a new friend of mine openly admitted to my husband that she had feelings for him, the first thing I would assume is that the entire friendship was a rouse to get to my husband; and I would immediately end that friendship without a second thought. I am not suggesting that she knows the extent of what's gone on between you and her husband (especially if she is still reaching out to you), but IF she does find out, you will never be able to regain her trust again and your friendship will be ruined. As well as the one you have with this man.
...
How exactly do you want this situation to work out? Do you want to be able to stay friends with both of these people? Do you want to be romantically involved with this man at some point? How important, really, are either of these people to your life? What would you be missing in your life if you weren't friends with them? I am only asking these questions so you stop and think about what you are getting out of this relationship. Find the source of your feelings that creates this need inside of you to continue this relationship. We do not do things unless it serves us in some way, so start doing some soul searching homework and find out why, and how, you got to where you are now.

The thing is -- and your guiding questions made me realize that -- I started getting to know his wife at a point when I had long accepted the fact that he is married and, therefore, clearly not a potential future partner. It was not like I pushed a button and made all feelings disappear, but they started fading and eventually the friendship was foregrounded, whereas the crush was pushed to the background. That is also the reason that meeting his wife was not some kind of awful blow.
I honestly never thought about the two of us as a potential couple these past months, and I honestly thought that there would *never* in a million years be any reciprocity whatsoever! That's why his admission hit me out of left field. I thought I was alone having these stupid feelings and I was so busy trying not to show that I find him interesting beyond friendship. And he goes and admits something like that.
Anyhow: So I met her and developed a friendship with her at a point where I thought that he could never be interested in me. And I liked her for her, not because it helped me get closer to him - I could have done that at the office or on our way to work.

Thank you again, melancholia! This really helped me get my feelings and thoughts straight(er).
I definitely need and will give myself a few more days to calm down and then I'll talk to him. I tell him that we should keep our distance for a while, so that he can stop having feelings for me, and I'll also say that nothing can be mentioned about this in any form ever again, because it's unfair to his wife.
And the friendship with his wife, that is definitely also something he should have a say in, so I need to ask him as well.
After some time has passed, I'm hoping, there might be friendship along the line.

If it's possible, I really would like to stay friends with both of them, but I also realize that it's not about me alone. I am sure I can deal with my feelings, but I'll have to see whether he can too.

I don't think anyone disagrees with the fact that we can't help how we feel about people. But we can absolutely help, and are directly responsible for, the actions we take in response to these feelings. You don't plan on becoming a mistress or breaking up a marriage, but it is a plausible result that could ruin any potential you have for a relationship with either of these people.

Yes. I believe that we are responsible for our actions and I know that an affair is not something I would inflict on anyone, his wife, him, or me.

[melancholia]

Well, it sounds like you are feeling more resolute about this situation. You sound like a very caring, kind person, and I hope this situation will work out well for you, in that you can sustain a friendship with both of them. These types of situations are never easy to deal with, but being honest with yourself about all of it is going to pave the way for you to make the most appropriate decisions; not only for your friend and his wife, but for yourself as well.

I wish you the best of luck, in life and in love.

[that EmmaGirl]

@ Hannie:

Thank you for the advice.
I definitely need more time. On the other hand, I'm scared that *not* seeing him might lead to me idealizing him... I don't know.
So far I've spent a few days cursing at how stupid he is and then again thinking of how great he is. I'm just scared that the latter might take overhand again.

But mainly I'm still mad, because I was really more and more relaxed about my feelings for him and he sort of resurfaced a lot of that.
There were moment where I actually questioned how strong my crush still was before he dropped that bombshell. I had settled in a comfortable position where I might have admired him and thought of him as almost "perfect", but I also stopped feeling like I really, reeeaaally *need* to be with him some time ago. That's why that admission of his was so disturbing and confusing.

I think I definitely need to talk to him and explain my situation and explain why I need to avoid him for a while and then we will revisit a potential friendship later.

It is also not like I shut myself off from other people completely. I was dating a guy about 5 months ago and I was not opposed to an actual (;-)) relationship with someone else. It didn't work out, it wasn't "the one", but it showed me that there are other men I might be interested in
Maybe it would be safer to revisit friendship when I'm clearly focussed on a partner of my own.
At the moment, I'm just still too confused to think ahead. But I'll get there eventually.

[that EmmaGirl]

I can so relate to this. You're not to blame, that EmmaGirl, catching feelings for someone isn't something we intend to do, especially when they're married. And it's even harder to give up on something that feels so right, even when it's entirely wrong.
I'll tell you what I do know; you can't be 'just friends' with someone you have feelings for. It never works. At best, you'll both be able to stop anything physical from happening, but you'll be torturing yourselves for as long as it continues. At worst, the affair will develop and that nice wife you like so much will have her life torn apart, betrayed by her husband AND her new best friend.
For YOUR sake, move on. You can revisit the friendship when you no longer have feelings for him, but you won't get rid of those feelings while you have him around as a constant reminder. You need space, and the opportunity to find someone who can commit to you. You deserve that.

(the forum somehow erased my reply, so I'll type a short version again)

thank you!
I definitely need more time, but I also need to talk to him and say why I need time and how I feel about the situation.

my problem the past few days is that I started out cursing him out for doing that, but then went back to almost idealizing all his good traits and thinking about how great he is.
The fact of the matter is: I was doing *heaps* better before he told me. Yes, I still admired him and thought of him as almost "perfect", but I had settled in a comfortable position, where I valued our friendship more than I ever thought about the two of us becoming partners (not even sexual, let alone more than that).

It was not like I was unable to look beyond what was between the two of us. I dated. I even dated one guy for a longer period of time about 5 months ago. He wasn't "the one" and so it didn't last, but at least I knew that I really *can* move on. I hope that with some distance and time to move on emotionally, once more , we can revisit the friendship aspect of it.

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Well, it sounds like you are feeling more resolute about this situation. You sound like a very caring, kind person, and I hope this situation will work out well for you, in that you can sustain a friendship with both of them. These types of situations are never easy to deal with, but being honest with yourself about all of it is going to pave the way for you to make the most appropriate decisions; not only for your friend and his wife, but for yourself as well.

I wish you the best of luck, in life and in love.

Thank you! From the bottom of my heart!
I was confused and all over the place and I kept replaying that moment in my head and focusing on what that means, and I just couldn't get myself out of that mess of feelings.
Now I definitely have much more clarity about what I feel and what I want.

Thank you!

[Wakeup]

catching feelings for someone isn't something we intend to do, especially when they're married. And it's even harder to give up on something that feels so right, even when it's entirely wrong.

And... this is exactly why its so important to maintain good personal boundaries and especially relationship boundaries when we are in a committed relationship.

It is inappropriate and puts one on a slippery slope to an emotional affair when we are spending one on one time with someone. Most affairs that are not pre-medicated start out with innocent intentions like yours did. Had this man kept his interaction with you professional and friendly, rather then getting involved with you one on one outside of work, none of this would have happened and neither of you would have to be going through emotional withdrawl from one another.

Please do both of you the good deed of remaining out of each others lives other then in a professional manner... even after time has passed and you have convinced yourself that you are emotionally free of him. Once you start up your one on one or behind his wife's back interaction once again... the same thing will transpire. You will hold yourself back from finding someone that you find suitable to spend your life with when your thoughts/heart are with someone else.

Additionally, to come to his defense here: One cannot help one's feelings. Many people can experience feelings like that over the course of a relationship. However, whether one acts on these feelings or not is a true test of character.

It's not that simple. When he has feelings for you, he is putting a wedge between the emotional connection he has for his wife. An emotional affair, to some, is far worse then a physical one because often, in a physical one, there is no emotion and it's all about the sex. In an emotional affair, his heart is in it. By carrying on with you when he noticed feelings becoming involved, he has betrayed his wife and I'm more then sure she has been wondering why his mind is not in the present and what has been bothering him.

Don't make the mistake of trivializing your affair. Yes... it has been an affair as sure as if you had bedded him. Particularly since he didn't back away and even confessed his feelings.

Tell me, how would you feel if he was your husband and he was having one-on-one date like activities and after hours missives with another woman who he has confessed having emotional feelings for?
Do you see why making new opposite sex friends and having private conversations with is a slippery slope to be on when either or both are in a committed relationship? And, no... it doesn't mean that he didn't love his wife to have let this happen. It just means he's human and therefore open to temptation and vulnerability to another.

[that EmmaGirl]

And... this is exactly why its so important to maintain good personal boundaries and especially relationship boundaries when we are in a committed relationship.

It is inappropriate and puts one on a slippery slope to an emotional affair when we are spending one on one time with someone. Most affairs that are not pre-medicated start out with innocent intentions like yours did. Had this man kept his interaction with you professional and friendly, rather then getting involved with you one on one outside of work, none of this would have happened and neither of you would have to be going through emotional withdrawl from one another.

That seems like a bit of an exaggeration. So you suggest that people who are in committed relationships stop any one-on-one interactions with people of the opposite sex? What about my best friend who is bisexual and currently in a 3-year relationship with a man? Should she just stop having personal interactions with all her friends, women and men, because she might be tempted?

The truth is, this sort of extra-relationship connection can happen even when you interact in a group. And while I do agree that it already represents a sort of betrayal, it's not necessarily an "emotional affair", and I know for a fact that his wife doesn't feel like he's distancing himself from her.

Don't make the mistake of trivializing your affair. Yes... it has been an affair as sure as if you had bedded him. Particularly since he didn't back away and even confessed his feelings.

no. you cannot equate the two!
There are feelings that one cannot control. and then there are actions one *can* control.
Yes, he and I started interacting less now, we talked and both said it would be best to cool off and keep interactions to a minimum.
And it was a very friendly talk that made the initial tension on both sides disappear.
I could see that he was just as embarrassed about his feelings and had difficulties facing me, but by the end of our talk we were both hopeful that, even with all of this awkwardness, there is a chance it might work out and that we might come back to friendship along the line. I told him that, on my end, the feelings had cooled down considerably over the past few months and I'm certain the same will happen for him.
And I'm sorry, but to equate this with a full-on affair is somewhat mean.

[lightstar]

you can control your feelings by distancing yourself and not daydreaming that you two were destined for each other. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. Use your head and stop this now! Too many people allow their emotions to control their decisions. That is when they F up. Again use your head and take your heart out of it.

We have all fallen for people who are no good for us. I had a massive crush on an exciting bad boy years back but I knew he would break my heart if I let him so a month in I said I am not interested in seeing you again, go **** up someone elses feelings and leave me the hell alone.. and guess what? the world didn't end. I got over him, moved on and met a wonderful man who treats me good. That is using your head

[Wakeup]

And I'm sorry, but to equate this with a full-on affair is somewhat mean.

Mean? Try not giving you enabling dialogue because that's what I'm doing. Its discerning that you call it mean instead of the education that it is.
a rose by any other name is still a rose. It was a "full-on" affair of the emotional kind

You'd do well to read the following link so that you don't let this happen to you (and some unsuspecting wife) again in your future.

[url=http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/affairs-and-adultery/emotional-affairs]Emotional Affairs | Focus on the Family[/url]

Should you find yourself getting emotionally involved with another taken man in your future. Immediately back off and stop the one-on-one face to face and text/emailing or you will shred yourself once again.

Be well

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BTW: (just to be up and up) I deleted and reposted that after rewording and giving you a better link.

[lightstar]

It is not mean! you asked for advice. you got it. whether you choose to listen to it or not is up to you!!

some women make my blood boil! It is just disgusting that you feel it is okay to interlope on a marriage but even more disgusting that you think you can do it by pretending to be friends with the wife

that my dear makes you a narcassistic biatch who just needs to be locked up or institutionalized!!