Breaking up

[CrasherRob8]

I've posted here before (a while ago) but ya me and my girlfriend of 7 years are breaking up. For the past few months I've told her a few times that I wanted her to put more effort into the relationship and be more affectionate. Each time she has tried but it slowly returns to the norm soon afterwards. Then last week I expressed to her again how I felt but this time she told me that it was hard for her to feel a physical connection with me since we are at different places in our life. She's 25, graduated with her Master's Degree recently and now started work at a big hospital here. I'm 32, been working at a fantastic job for 8 years and have a second job too on the side.

Last Friday we talked again and she basically tells me that she has been in a relationship her entire adult life (we got together when she was 18) and that she wants independence and freedom. After talking to her about what that really means, she has a want to be single (she claims not the dating part) and experience everything that comes with it. The hard part she says is she still wants a relationship. She said she loves me, is very physically attracted to me, sees us getting married eventually, buying a house together, having kids, etc. But she says that want to be independent and have freedom conflicts with the relationship.

Since Friday we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms. Didn't really see eachother or talk until Sunday night where it was pretty much the same talk. Personally I had come to accept it and have been making plans for what to do next. Monday night she was very attentive to me and constantly trying to get closer to me, be nice to me, etc. I didn't understand it but acted kind of cold towards her.

Tuesday night we talked again and even though never said the words (We're breaking up, we're done) it pretty much came to that. The odd part is she keeps talking about just taking a break and me moving in with my parents (not gonna happen). I told her flat out that if she truly feels the way she does, a break won't help. One because it wouldn't be fair to me since technically a break means you split up for a certain period of time and then get back together to see if things will work. I'm not going to be sitting around waiting for her. After talking for a bit more she apologized to me for being too nice. That statement told me that it's over.

I've already moved all of my things into our other room and am getting them all together. The big thing that complicates everything is we have a rental property together. She seems hesitant to sell it as she doesn't want to think this is permanent but to me, if she truly wants this independence, then we have to sever all ties with eachother and go no contact. It'll suck, but it's best for everyone involved I think.

[dontaskme]

I agree with you breaking up with her instead of taking a break. A couple whose relationship is strong enough should be able to withstand any crisis that comes in their lives.

She can have her independence and freedom even with a boyfriend, why not? I have a bf yet I am independent of my bf. I do my own traveling with my family, friends or alone if he doesn't want to come, I go out with my girlfriends without boys and I have my own place and he has his, and he's got his career and I've got mine. We support one another but each of us can make decisions independent of each other.

In regards to the rental property, if it's for investment purposes, why not keep the place and have a property manager manage the place, that way, you do not have to communicate with her about running the place?

But yeah, it's bullcrap to use freedom to live life as an excuse to take a break, in the absence of dating other people because she can have that with you, unless you are a controlling boyfriend?

[basilandthyme]

Crasher, you're doing everything right. Hang in there and continue to trust yourself

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[CrasherRob8]

Here's an update. It's for sure over, no going back. For the past few years I've actually been living with her and her parents. Two big reasons. One so I can save money to buy a piece of property (that part worked out) but then also to help take care of her mom. Her mom had an accident back in 2008 and needs 24/7 care so In exchange for living rent free, I help out with everything. Yes, not the normal situation but it worked.

It's been over a month since the separation. Since then, she hasn't seen her parents for more than like 2 minutes at a time and her normal routine would be to go to work then stay out till 11 or 12 at night, then repeat the next day. Weekends are spent elsewhere. This leads me to believe that she is indeed seeing someone else, which is what my instinct has been telling me. I haven't seen her to talked to her in two weeks. Tried calling her and texting her so we can figure out the rental property but she seems to be ignoring me. So my plan is to print up a listing agreement to sell the property (benefits of being a real estate agent) and just leaving it for her in her room.

I'm in the process of moving out and temporarily moving in with a good buddy of mine. We plan on renting a decent size house together. Thought about just moving into my own apartment but I'm not too keen on apartments plus I'd much rather live in a house.

Ironic turn of events was my ex's dad goes in with 3 other guys to get Lakers Season Tickets. Last night he had tickets for the Denver game but he was going to be out of town so he could not go. He tried to sell them but they wouldn't even sell for face value. So he asked me if I want to go so I jumped on that opportunity. BTW, he knows everything that went on with my and my ex (he even went as far to semi joke/be serious and say he'd rather kick her out of the house than see me leave). He told me I could bring anyone I want, guy or girl. So invited this girl that I know and it turned out to be a pretty good date. She's been going through a rough time as it is in her life so it was a good break for both of us. Oh, and BTW, those tickets were floor seats

[melancholia]

Okay, so you seem pretty resolute about this whole break up thing. She seems to be acting immaturely about the rental property thing, so maybe leaving it for her is a good idea.

I would hold off on dating right away though, unless you just want to have some fun. Falling back into similar relationship patterns quickly after a long-term relationship ends can delay the healing process necessary to move on completely.

[CrasherRob8]

I'm just trying to have fun, definitely not looking for anything at all right now. Though I know that will be a struggle with me because since I have been in a stagnant relationship for so long I crave something but it isn't healthy right now no matter what I feel.

And yes she is acting immature. But I'm dealing with it.

[forever]

I think she acting immaturely about the whole situation and she's not been honest with you. I think there may be some other guy somewhere she's seeing. She's gonna come back begging you with time. Hang in there and don't start dating someone else. Just focus on yourself.