flowers from a friend - help!!

[indigosoul]

Hi Gang, OK. I'm finally posting my problem-- I really need help! Please don't hold back on me, I'd like to hear all opinions …

Am married w/small child. Love husband, but problems. Not minor, but manageable if suppressed. Trying counseling w/limited success. Problems largely to do w/lack of support & neglect. Having romantic feelings for close family friend who has been very supportive of me. Not new feelings, old suppressed feelings come back. Friend is extremely nice, supportive and provides emotional interaction that husband doesn’t. Suspect, but not certain, that friend also feels romantic attachment.

Feelings for friend really affecting my ability to focus on improving my marriage problems. Right or wrong, as I go through all this, I’ve been feeling more like he’s the one I’m really meant to be with. Long distance, looong times apart (years!), doesn’t seem to affect how much we like each other. Is an old, old family friend. No affair, or previous history BTW. We simply get on very well. Harry Met Sally kind of thing. Simply breaking ties not an option.

Talked to husband about all this. I try to be honest. Says I'm bored and silly. He thinks that our friend also really likes me, but too respectful of us/marriage to say anything overt. Says we should sleep together to “get over it” and he’d like to watch (!). My husband is aware of our (I & our friend’s) closeness (has commented on our incredibly easy connection), but doesn’t seem to have a problem w/it.

So, WTF?? I’m not kinky like that, and I am really screwed up now over all this (why I'm here, gang!). Our friend recently sent me a lovely flower bouquet (w/a sweet message) for a special occasion…though we talk a lot, this is new behaviour from him. He knows about my marriage problems; what is he doing?? I’m thinking I need to talk to him about my feelings, but I’m scared if I do I will feel bound to cut off any communication w/him.

What’s going on w/him? Does his gift mean anything more than friends? I’m asking because I’m thinking that if there are feelings from him, then we really need to figure out what to do. What about my husband, does he even really give a crap? Any ideas how I should proceed? We’ll be visiting our friend in a few weeks, and it’s really starting to hurt me to see him and not be able to be honest w/what’s going on.

What would YOU do??

[Junket]

Wow.

That's just.

I have nothing to say.

I'll just step back and let somebody else give some real advice.

But that's one of the best stories I've read on here so far.

[Only-virgins]

Thanks to your freaking "WOW" words Frasbee I forced my-self to read all that. Thanks to you I have wasted valuable time on this disturbing garbage you ass. Anyways...your husband would let you sleep with someone else to "get it over with"?...yea..now thats love folks (UBER SARCASM)

[indigosoul]

Wow.

That's just.

I have nothing to say.

I'll just step back and let somebody else give some real advice.

But that's one of the best stories I've read on here so far.

Scary, huh Fras? A freakin soap-opera, but true. So, what do you think? Go ahead, I won't be offended... I've always tried to be honest and fair w/my advice.

[Junket]

Thanks to your freaking "WOW" words Frasbee I forced my-self to read all that. Thanks to you I have wasted valuable time on this disturbing garbage you ass. Anyways...your husband would let you sleep with someone else to "get it over with"?...yea..now thats love folks (UBER SARCASM)

I'm surprised because most of the "regulars" here never seem to have any frunkified weirdo problems like digi is havin' here.

I only expect to give advice to a situation like this to a one time poster.

[indigosoul]

Thanks to your freaking "WOW" words Frasbee I forced my-self to read all that. Thanks to you I have wasted valuable time on this disturbing garbage you ass. Anyways...your husband would let you sleep with someone else to "get it over with"?...yea..now thats love folks (UBER SARCASM)

Hey OV, that's just nasty. I have given you lots of advice as best i can. This isn't some BS story ya know.

Yes, my husband's reaction is disturbing to say the least. Self-destructive at minimum. Wonders why i feel neglected...

I think you're saying you think he doesn't love me. I think I agree


So, what would YOU do, huh?

[Only-virgins]

the "regulars" here never seem to have any frunkified weirdo problems like digi is havin' here.

hmmm..thats true now that I think about it.

[Junket]

hmmm..thats true now that I think about it.

Which is why I don't feel compelled to leave my typical "you and your situation are ****ed" response.

[Only-virgins]

Hey OV, that's just nasty. I have given you lots of advice as best i can. This isn't some BS story ya know.

Yes, my husband's reaction is disturbing to say the least. Self-destructive at minimum. Wonders why i feel neglected...

I think you're saying you think he doesn't love me. I think I agree


So, what would YOU do, huh?

You want me to put my-self in your case?. Well..when I first read your story I was on the husbands side untill I read the part were he wants to watch you have sex with him. I dont know what I would do because I am not in that situation but I would do SOMETHING..thats for sure. Leaving sounds mighty good though...but let me guess...other problems arise then?

[indigosoul]

I'm surprised because most of the "regulars" here never seem to have any frunkified weirdo problems like digi is havin' here.

I only expect to give advice to a situation like this to a one time poster.

Fras, it took me a while (and a bit of trust, even if its anonymous here!) to decide if I should post this, but as i said, recent stuff has upset me... And yes, the situation is quite f*cked up, i agree, but that doesn't make ME f*cked up (I hope). I'm doing all i can, counselling, etc. What can i do if my partner is gonna respond like this?! I'm trying to save my marriage, but man, everyone reaches a point where, well... GOD! ya know?!

Just really trying to get stuff out, sorry to upset everyone. Is why we're doing counselling. Sometimes, tho, even the counsellors aren't all that smart, ya know? My husband is a REALLY smart guy; he knows how to out-psych them...

Maybe I should delete the post..

[indigosoul]

You want me to put my-self in your case?. Well..when I first read your story I was on the husbands side untill I read the part were he wants to watch you have sex with him. I dont know what I would do because I am not in that situation but I would do SOMETHING..thats for sure. Leaving sounds mighty good though...but let me guess...other problems arise then?

The problem w/leaving is one of my own beliefs. I believe marriage is a life-long commitment. We are both highly controlled individuals, so there wouldn't be any overt nastiness or anything (I would hope). We could have a split and raise our son jointly and do an OK job of it. We both are highly educated career types. Those aren't the issues. I'm feeling like I have spent a whole relationship being honest w/someone who has been putting on this front & I guess I'm a little pissed about it. Instead of b/coming closer over time, its like I've been living w/some stranger...

[Only-virgins]

The problem w/leaving is one of my own beliefs. I believe marriage is a life-long commitment. We are both highly controlled individuals, so there wouldn't be any overt nastiness or anything (I would hope). We could have a split and raise our son jointly and do an OK job of it. We both are highly educated career types. Those aren't the issues. I'm feeling like I have spent a whole relationship being honest w/someone who has been putting on this front & I guess I'm a little pissed about it. Instead of b/coming closer over time, its like I've been living w/some stranger...

Yea, its a life long commitment but like you just said yourself...its like you commited to a different person then he seems to be now. Maybe he was putting on a front. If you think you would be better with out him and with a new person then do it. If your the educated type then I am sure you will be fine in the end. All I know is that you shouldn't be forced to stay somewhere you do not want to be. Most people work on their marriage because they want to stay together they just have difficulties doing it....if there is no will to even want to though then eventually it will fall apart anyways.

[indigosoul]

Yea, its a life long commitment but like you just said yourself...its like you commited to a different person then he seems to be now. Maybe he was putting on a front. If you think you would be better with out him and with a new person then do it. If your the educated type then I am sure you will be fine in the end. All I know is that you shouldn't be forced to stay somewhere you do not want to be. Most people work on their marriage because they want to stay together they just have difficulties doing it....if there is no will to even want to though then eventually it will fall apart anyways.

Yea... but I'm a real die-hard for the "giving it all ya got", you know? You're a smart fellow, I know, so maybe you'll relate when I say that I take my marriage problems as a real personal failure...not smart enough, not trying enough, that sort of thing.

Am thinking that I need to maybe stick it out w/the counselling for at least another 6 months, or a year or so, and see what happens. But my friend feelings is also really screwing me up right now. Do I tell him what's up, or simply break ties (he'll want to know why). Do i tell him how I feel and THEN break ties to give my marriage my entire effort... ? What for if my husband doesn't really care? If I don't change something, this will go on.. I have my son to think about too... he can sense stuff isn't right...

Thanks for replying, by the way. I know this is a really distasteful subject for you.

[whaywardj]

Okay. Think I got a read on this, Indigosoul.

First, spend some time considering yourself APART from your roles as a mother, wife, friend, lover, professional or whatever. You and your navel get together and have a few good conversations about who YOU are, want to be, want to represent, believe in...the whole ball of wax. Once you're sure you're clear on that...

Then, prioritize. If who you are says you should take more effort to make your marriage better, then you have to tell your friend to back off with the flowers and all and do everything else that logically follows from that decision. No long conversations on the phone. No charming emails. None of that. They just complicate you're being able to follow through on your decision. That THAT might hurt his feelings, or put him in a position of thinking he has to 'wait for you', isn't your problem. He owns his feelings and you have no obligation to them other than to be clear with him about yours. All you're asking him to do is respect your feelings, in any case. If, on the other hand, who you are tells you want to 'trade up' to a better partner, then you have to tell your husband that's your intention and proceed to go on about doing that. (Although, I've always thought it was better to trade up with the partner you have by hanging in there and working out the issues. BTW, speaking of respecting feelings, I WOULD DEFINITELY let your husband know his remark about 'watching' was a hurtful, stupid and childish thing to say to you, his wife, and showed utter disrespect, indifference and hostility on his part. Try not to yell all this at him.)

Then, STOP and let things develop. There is no 'solution'. There is no 'fix'. There is only your passion and what you decide to do with it. Since passion is always in constant flux, it continuously presents you with new sets of choices. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' choice; there is no one-size-fits-all 'answer to things'. There is only your commitment to what and who you want to be, and how well that commitment helps you roll with the punches...or doesn't. Make your first decision; follow through on it; then wait for the effects of it to become manifest before you try to make the next decision.

Whatever you do about your relationship, DON'T do it 'for the sake of the children'. All that does is shift the burden of responsibility for resolving your marital issues to their small shoulders. Kids pick up on a hell of LOT more than adults give them credit for. Staying together or not staying together 'for their sake', sooner or later, risks putting them in the position of feeling as if they're 'the cause' of your unhappiness...or happiness, depending on how well the two of you roll together with whatever comes your way. Or don't.

[misombra]

indigo...that is some crazy shit.

could it be that he just wants to see if you'll do it? or is he kind of a freak? if i could get a better sense of what type of person your husband is maybe i could read it better. i've never known anybody in their right who would want to watch as their wife had sex with somebody she had strong feelings for. that is just weird, isn't it?

anyway i wouldn't do it. it would seem to me like he was testing me or something, you know?