How to convince my ex I no longer care about marriage?

[Roses919191]

After 14 months of dating I told my BF "not sure if we're on the same page- you haven't said 'I love you' back and I don't know if you really want the kind of future, marriage kids etc, that I do." He said "I love you and I will marry you when I decide the time is right." I gave him a big hug, then he knew I had plans w my best friend. Well, he tried to meet this single girl alone at a bar at midnight (she couldn't make it). He'd told me nothing about her, saved her as a guy's name in his phone, later deleted the tects. He spent the whole next week (while I thought we were fine) flirting w her, asking her for pics. Months later a text from her popped up on his iPad asking if he would come over her apt and drink with her once she's back in town. My BF responded "definitely!" Well I think this made me feel insecure & I also felt weird that he refused to have any sort of future discussions - I'd say "so do you plan on us getting engaged within the next couple of years or so?" And he'd respond "I'll let you know whenever I'm ready, if that's not good enough then you're an adult and you're free to leave." Then he said "I'm warning you, the more you ask me about marriage the further away it'll become, and eventually I'll leave."

Now we're broken up and he said on the phone "i miss you but I warned you I'd pass the point of no return, & also how can you pretend you've changed, you're not going to stop asking me about marriage." I said "so you're happy with just never seeing or talking to me again?" He responded w silence which is always his go-to. My question is, how can I possibly convince him that I've learned my lesson and being with him is more than good enough now?

[basilandthyme]

You can't convince him because he knows you too well. Just leave him alone

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I know you don't believe us, but he's never cared about you. You were simply a convenience to him and now that he can't be bothered with you, he's discarded you. And because he doesn't feel like being honest, he's putting the blame on you

[Roses919191]

I am sure there's a way. It just has to be something dramatic.

[smarta$$]

Save your dignity... Basil is right - he does NOT care about you... if he did, he wouldn't have let you go.

BUT, he may continue to use you if you keep throwing your vagina at him.

He STILL won't care about you, though, and you will end up being humiliated by your desperation (and your desperation will further alienate him).

[dontaskme]

He STILL won't care about you, though, and you will end up being humiliated by your desperation (and your desperation will further alienate him).

She doesn't care about being humiliated. He's shamed her enough and she loves it as long as she's getting tinee tiny crumbs from him.

OP, why don't you show up at his house everyday, make him breakfast, clean his house, wash and iron his clothes, make him dinner and have sex with him every day and night? That will make him forget that you are a nagging little twit.

[Wakeup]

You know what will convince him that you really don't care? ... Marry someone else.

[topazlight]

14 months and he never said I love you until you confronted him? That love you may not have been a real I Love You because you coached it out of him. He doesn't want marriage he wants to play around single off your topic post. Don't convince him, move on with someone who wants things out of life you want, if you are scared to be without a man or this man, don't be scared. If you stayed you'd be settling and most more unhappy years later with him. He wasn't scared to lose you, don't be either is advice. Best of luck.

[basilandthyme]

I am sure there's a way. It just has to be something dramatic.

I told you the answer to this on the other post. Just tell him that you're fine if he sleeps with others and you won't get bent out of shape if he eventually marries someone else.

[Roses919191]

It's BS, because do you know what ultimately led to our breakup? Not me talking about marriage which he now claims to be my big flaw. But rather me bringing up thT the girl whom he flirted with over text for a while (and then deleted the texts ) was back in town. I said "everyone makes mistakes but I feel like logically, how can I trust you not to do that again when you never even apologized before or talked about it" he goes "you keep effing waiting for me to apologize to you." This is almost scary Like history repeating itself because his previous GF? He told me it ended bc after 3 plus years, "she wanted to get engaged and I didn't so we fought and I dumped her" yet I ended up reading texts to his old GF and while that was true, turns out he actually broke up w her as a knee jerk reaction when she read a message that my ex sent to a random girl "friend." My ex's previous gf said to him , "I'm offended that you message other girls "hey beautiful" immediately after sleeping with me." He turned it around on her for looking at his messages and dumped her.

[solarion]

We get it Roses, your ex is a sociopath. So how many times has he dumped you? ...and why do you keep pining away for a guy that keeps treating you, and apparently every other woman in his life since forever, like sperm dumpsters? You've referred to the same guy as "perfect" for you.

I ended up reading texts to his old GF

lol Funny how people "end up" snooping into others' business.

[Roses919191]

I didn't say he's a sociopath. It wasn't nice that he tried to meet up at midnight w someone behind my back at midnight alone at a bar immediately after telling me he loved me for first time, but that's what happens I guess when he felt it was too much too soon?

[solarion]

That thingy you're facing with all the trees in it? ...yes dear that is in fact a forest.

You didn't say he's a sociopath, I did. You said he was "perfect" for you.

...up next on Springer, male sociopaths and the women who can't get enough of their abuse.

[basilandthyme]

but that's what happens I guess when he felt it was too much too soon?

No, it's what happens when someone tells you a lie just to make you shut up about the topic.

And the history repeating itself thing? Recognising that he's treating you the same as his other ex is the first bit of sense you've written. Sadly for you, I guess that you'll overlook all evidence and think you're somehow special to him and that he'll treat you differently to her.

And yes, he's a sociopath. But your fixation on his job title rather than compatibility puts you on a similar level.

[Roses919191]

So it's not that I ruined things bc I kept bringing up marriage and didn't trust him (which is what he claims), but rather that he was lying and had never wanted to marry me in first place? Is that the logical conclusion that's drawn from him trying to sneak with another girl after telling me that he loved me and wanted to marry me for first time? Not that I put too much pressure on him by bringing up those topics after over a year so he needed that girl as an "escape"? Because he'd seemed so into me up until that point when I started trying to talk future. I keep thinking he just needed more time and that if I give him space now he'll come around

[basilandthyme]

So it's not that I ruined things bc I kept bringing up marriage and didn't trust him (which is what he claims), but rather that he was lying and had never wanted to marry me in first place?

by george, I think she's got it!