Wife friended ex boyfriend on Facebook and it caused issues

[Prizner]

A few months back, my wife got a request on Facebook from an ex-boyfriend who said he only wanted to be friends. She told me he was a guy she dated in high school but broke up with because he got another girl pregnant and asked me if it was OK to friend him. I trust her and was OK with it as long as he knew she was married and she'd put a stop to it if he tried anything inappropriate.

They started messaging back and forth and he told her he doesn't date married women, sent her his phone number, told her he had just ended a relationship and that he should have married her when they were together. That comment got a strange reaction from her I couldn't figure out and she wouldn't talk to me, only saying "it's hard to explain."

The next day when I was about to confront her, she came clean and told me the whole story. A few years after high school while she was in college, he contacted her again and they got back together. She said she thought he was nice and had real feelings for him, and a piece of that was still alive in her even though it was long since over. She told me both times they were together, he was always trying to get her to have sex, something she wasn't ready for yet, he cheated on her multiple times, and the last straw was exposing himself to her best friend right in front of her. I found all of this shocking and didn't understand why she wanted to be friends with someone like this and she simply said "It wasn't all bad."

After the last break up, every couple of years, he called her and tried to get back together, and she turned him away each time and hadn't heard from him in 20 years and this was the first time hearing from him on Facebook. She showed me his messages and they said what she told me and it was clear he didn't just want to be friends. She then composed a message to him calling him out on the fact he had ulterior motives, and let him know it was all over a long time ago and why, and that she was happily married and wasn't going to put that at risk. She also told him I'd seen his messages and would see any others they exchanged. He responded with an apology saying he only wanted to be friends and just talk to which she then responded when she needs to talk, she goes to her husband. He said he understood and she didn't hear more from him. A week later he unfriended her and she hasn't heard from him since.

I'm happy with the way she handled this and am glad he's gone, but I'm still having some problems. It's been 3 months and I'm still a little bothered when she mentions being on Facebook and sometimes I look over her shoulder when she's on her computer or her phone, even though she gives me no reason to be suspicious. We've been married 14 years and we never keep secrets and trust each other all the way. I guess I feel like I dodged a bullet and even though the problem is over, I don't look at our marriage the same way.

I just want to completely get over this and move on. Is there any hope that will happen?

[basilandthyme]

Given that you were happy with how your wife managed this, I'm not sure why you're concerned. I would think that her actions would only serve to earn more of your trust - not less of it.

Perhaps it would help if you told us why you feel your marriage has changed.

[Nicolelong]

She seems pretty upfront with you. She chose to disclose the conversations and her concerns to you. She also asked you beforehand if you were okay with her Friending him. She's already done more than a lot of people would have done in the same situation. A guilty person wouldn't do the things she has.

I don't see that you "dodged a bullet" at all? She did Everything the way she promised you she would, and conducted herself with respect to you and the marriage. Your wife showed no secrets with the situation, and she could have easily started an affair if she WANTED to. But... she didn't. She let you in on everything this guy was doing.

There's nothing to hold against her with this. She behaved in a completely loyal way to you.

[Prizner]

I know she did the right thing. I guess what bothered me was she wasn't up front with me at first. When he first contacted her, she said he was a guy she dated in high school who was nice but messed up which I interpreted as he wasn't a big deal to her, but it turned out that she dated him a few years later and was serious about him. I guess not being straight in the beginning bothered me, then the fact she wanted to be friends with a former serious boyfriend bothered me too, along with the fact he obviously was planning to try and get her to leave me for him. My wife did the right thing in the end and shared everything with me and sent him on his way. She has also since given me her Facebook password so I can log in and look around if I want to. I have a great wife who takes her wedding vows seriously and who can be trusted 100%. I will get better with time I guess.