Parner talking to an old FWB

[Trying To Be]

I am in the best relationship I’ve ever experience. I’ve been with her for almost a year now and we are best friends. We have been very open with each other from the beginning and we both put effort into the relationship and into working through issues together. We both were in bad relationships before we met each other and we both have the same desires in this relationship. We both have left over issues from our past though as does everyone. We are living together and are raising our three kids together now, my two and her one. I work away from home for three weeks at a time, a long way from home.

She kicked her sons dad out a couple years ago when the emotional abuse turned toward physical abuse. Shortly afterward she started talking to an old high school friend. That turned into an FWB thing as she wasn’t ready for anything serious. That went on for a few months. About a year later we met, at that point she was interested in something serious, but wasn’t interested in the FWB in that way. We began dating and are a very happy couple now. She was not seeing the FWB anymore when we started dating. But she made me aware of him and he was still a friend. They however didn’t really speak much or see eachother. Last winter there was an event in which my partner needed to help her mother find an apartment. She called the FWB for advice on a land lord to call, which she told me about. I didn’t have any issue with that. When I got home from work though I got curious and I invaded her privacy by looking at her phone. It was a crappy move and I’m not proud of it. Anyway, they had begun talking a little. She told him about me and was clear that she was with me. But she had said she might come by for a drink sometime to unwind. He made a joke saying “okay but not like we used to, winky face” referring to the extra part of their old relationship. That pissed me off and I didn’t appreciate him flirting or joking about that part of their past. I admitted to the snooping and we discussed it in detail. We discussed comfort zone in being friends with people of that nature and I explained that having a drink with him at his house would be beyond my comfort zone. She understood and actually quit talking to him even though I didn’t ask for that. I did however ask that she tell me if they started talking again, she agreed.
Flash forward to now. There was some tragedy in her family. The FWB contacted her with sincere concern, as any real friend would do. They started texting again here and there, but she wasn’t comfortable with telling me, probably due to my stupid actions with the snooping. Anyway a few days ago we were running errands and her phone was getting blown up and she was acting way out of character about it. Very private and secretive about it. I got suspicious and looked when a text came in and it was his number. That’s how I found out. So that night I asked her if someone was texting her that she felt uncomfortable with me knowing about and she denied it. So I point blank told her I knew the FWB was texting her and I felt threatened by the secrecy. She insisted I read the text and even though I didn’t want to invade her privacy again I did because she wanted me to. Low and behold they were just catching up and she spent most of the conversation talking about me and how happy she was. She said if it made me uncomfortable she wouldn't be friends with him. I told her that’s not what I wanted for her and its not what I wanted for our relationship. I just want things like that to be out in the open and I want to feel secure in that boundaries weren't crossed by him.
I have a jealous streak, but I am aware of it and I don’t let it control me or my relationship with her. I want to work past it so we don’t have that in our relationship and I don’t think limiting her on who she can be friends with is healthy or productive in dealing with my jealousy issue and I wouldn’t feel good about myself if she had to choose me over friends.
My questions
Did I make the right choice in encouraging her friendship with him even though for the time being it causes me fear and pain? Should I have taken her up on her offer to not talk to him?
How can I deal with this and stay sane until I can become comfortable with that friendship?
Should I feel threatened by her wanting to talk to and be friends with someone she had a physical relationship with?

Thank you for reading this and thank you in advance for your thoughts.

[starbar]

you work away 3weeks out of four and meanwhile she is talking to a past lover.. recipe for disaster.

[Wakeup]

I would have taken her up on her offer to stop talking to him. I don't know of too many people that would be okay with their partner remaining in contact with a fvck buddy. She should close the door on that little "friend" and it would be a relationship boundary that MOST committed and exclusive couples would want and agree to.

[Nicolelong]

It sounds like you both are trying to communicate and work things out, but your fear of restricting her is making you hide your true feelings. There's nothing wrong with not wanting her to be over at an ex's house for drinks. I think most people would not be comfortable with that.

I think when you talk with her about this again, don't hold back, be completely honest. If she's asking you if you're okay and you pretend you are when you're really not, things aren't going to get any better Set boundaries that work for YOU too- like, it's okay to keep in touch once in a while, but no private visits/going out for drinks without you.

[Trying To Be]

I work three weeks on, then I get three weeks off. So I'm home as much as I'm gone. They aren't hanging out and haven't since I met her, they've only texted.

[starbar]

have you ever heard of emotional affairs OP? Do your research. Just coz they are not spending time together, doesn't mean she wont grow closer to him or develop feelings in time or become infatuated etc

[Wakeup]

"Because" not "coz"

[TheEvilJester]

It does seem like her intentions are completely innocent, but even so I do have to side with what the others mostly seem to be saying. I don't think I'd disagree with you. It is a little weird/uncomfortable if she is still talking to an F buddy. I think it actually would be best if they stopped talking. I mean, she doesn't have to be rude to him about it, but they should just not make it a point to stay in contact.

I'd feel a little differently if this were just a friend she was talking to, and a friend she had for a while. There is a big difference here, though. This is a former "friend with benefits." That essentially sort of makes him her ex even though they were never really officially dating. Probably just best that they not keep in touch.

I do think it is noble that you realize you have a tendency toward jealousy and are actively trying to change that in yourself. I think it is awesome that you realize it enough to sort of engage your sensible brain and not act on it. Still, I think this is one case where it is understandable you'd feel uncomfortable, and really should go without saying that she shouldn't be keeping in touch with this guy.

I don't know, maybe that's just me, though. Good luck. Hope it works out for you.

[Trying To Be]

It does seem like her intentions are completely innocent, but even so I do have to side with what the others mostly seem to be saying. I don't think I'd disagree with you. It is a little weird/uncomfortable if she is still talking to an F buddy. I think it actually would be best if they stopped talking. I mean, she doesn't have to be rude to him about it, but they should just not make it a point to stay in contact.

I'd feel a little differently if this were just a friend she was talking to, and a friend she had for a while. There is a big difference here, though. This is a former "friend with benefits." That essentially sort of makes him her ex even though they were never really officially dating. Probably just best that they not keep in touch.

I do think it is noble that you realize you have a tendency toward jealousy and are actively trying to change that in yourself. I think it is awesome that you realize it enough to sort of engage your sensible brain and not act on it. Still, I think this is one case where it is understandable you'd feel uncomfortable, and really should go without saying that she shouldn't be keeping in touch with this guy.

I don't know, maybe that's just me, though. Good luck. Hope it works out for you.

This is the direction I'm leaning too. I'm not going to put my foot down because she is at the end of the day the one that has to make the decision. I'm just going to let her know that it isn't something I'm comfortable with at all and that I feel it adds a complication to our relationship that very well could cause us problems. I just needed to really think it through and not just react. You all have helped. Thank you.

[TheEvilJester]

Sometimes that is all you need. It can help to have a friend, or even just a bunch of strangers (and trust me, they don't get any stranger than me. LOL!), to get your thoughts out and get some thoughts/advice from others. Often times it helps just to talk about something, even in written form.

I think your plan is good. You aren't wrong to be uncomfortable with that and she should understand that. All the same, it isn't like you are making it an ultimatum, because you should never be put into the position where you have to give somebody an ultimatum like that. Frankly, if you have to, then the person probably isn't right for you in the first place. Hopefully she can respect and understand why this makes you uncomfortable and will therefore respectfully discontinue keeping in touch with this guy. Good luck to you.

[Trying To Be]

We had a long talk, I told her how I feel and explained that even though I tried I cant get my head around this and that I was intensely uncomfortable with the situation. She was very upset that this had caused me pain and stress and said I should have talked to her sooner instead of trying to deal with it. She understood where I am coming from and how it must have felt. She chose to remove the complication from our relationship by not continuing the friendship. The person will be a casual acquaintance which I feel is appropriate, it is the same way for me and any of my ex's.

[TheEvilJester]

That is great! I hope she can remain true to her word, and I also hope that this fella can respect and follow that as well. I think "casual acquaintance" is a good role for this fella in her life now. It isn't like he's specifically done anything wrong (at least as far as you know), so no reason for her to just drop all contact without a word. Unless he's done something inappropriate, he doesn't necessarily deserve that. At the same time, though, she has a relationship with you right now, so regular contact is just not a good idea. Good luck to you. Glad to hear this went well thus far.

[Wakeup]

... and once again; Open and direct Communication saves the day.

[TheEvilJester]

So's your face!!!!

Well.... I just thought we were being a little too mature. I had to drag us back down a little.