Back to square one. Why do I feel like this?!?! Advice pls:(

[soccerguy987]

Hi everyone,

So I've had a rough patch with girls all my life constantly being rejected. 12 months ago, I had my first kiss as the age of 19. Now I am turning 21 in a few months and can say that my relationships with people I'm close with is going to change/has changed dramatically for the worse. My auntie from Canada (who I'm close with) got married in October and my relationship has changed with because now she is a different person now that she's married. Her sister had a baby and my auntie is obsessed with her. When I went to Canada for her wedding, she didnt pay much attention to me or her guests and was just paying tons of attention to her niece. She was never like this before - so you can see how that relationship has changed!!!

I've been constantly thinking this way for the past few months - especially with two I'm romantically involved with.

romantically involved [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL]

Summer of 2013 in Canada, I met this girl on my last day of vacation as she was related to my cousin (no relation to me but to my cousin). Anyway we quickly hit it off trading numbers. Knowing we would meet again exactly one year later for several parties, we chatted and got to know each other better. She confided in my about her relationships, but i didnt give anything away about mine. As soon as we saw each other again one year later (summer 2014), she invited me to hang out with her and her friends and i said yeah. We hung out and got a little closer - holding hands at random points, having laughs, taking selfies and just generally enjoying each others company. I started to catch feelings for her, especially as soon as I came home and as she told me she kissed another guy and went on a date with another. It's weird, cos I've never met a girl that I've genuinely liked SO much.... and even my family like her too! We literally chatted nearly every day and traded snapchats always. When the topic arose face to face of me and her together, she started blushing. She's joked about friendzoning me, but never has. I confided in her about my first kiss. It's weird cos I wanted HER to be the first. She was shocked when I told her about my first kiss and who it was with, and was not happy at all. I'm quite glad I suppose I didnt kiss her cos then maybe I wouldnt be as close to her as I am know? And If I did kiss her and she didnt kiss me back, it might have made things awkward...

I confided in her friend by telling her that I liked (romantically involved [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] ) girl and she told me that the girl i liked probably didnt feel the same way. I didnt take her advice and in Feb 2015 I laid my cards on the table and romantically involved [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] girl told me she didn't see me that way. She rejected me basically. It hurt because I really care for her and felt a connection with her that I've never ever felt before. Ever since then she hasn't bothered to msg me first or send me snapchats. I normally pop up to her on whatsapp and send snapchats - but very rarely replies. To prove this, I havent popped up to her on whatsapp since may and she hasn't bothered to message me. It hurts me everyday that someone I know is my perfect match lives so far away and doesn't feel the same away about me the way I feel about her. Is she ignoring me now that I told her my true feelings?

Romantically involved girl [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL]

I started chatting to this girl at university and we got on quite well....always chatting and having a good laugh when around each other. She ticks a lot of boxes that I look for in a girl and was very nearly close to asking her out. In April 2015, we started talking to each other a lot - but she backed off from me rarely making conversation. Has my chance passed to ask her out even tho there wasn't any signs she wanted to date me?

Hope you guys can help me get over my worries and constant headache/worry/discomfort which somehow always results into me beliveing tht I'm just never gonna have a relationship with anyone and no girl in the world is going to look at me the way I look at them :'(

Your friend,

Soccerguy987

[Nicolelong]

You are JUST getting into the dating game. You really have only struck out twice. That's Nothing, really. It takes practice and experience to get good at dating and reading people romantically.

Just because you didn't get what you wanted out of these girls doesn't mean you'll be single forever, not even close to it.

If you start developing an attitude of "I'll never find love", you will be putting that energy out there and that will drive girls away. Be happy, be positive, and have fun. Spend time with your friends, expand your social circle, and it will happen when you least expect it.

[basilandthyme]

Nicole nailed it

[soccerguy987]

You are JUST getting into the dating game. You really have only struck out twice. That's Nothing, really. It takes practice and experience to get good at dating and reading people romantically.

Just because you didn't get what you wanted out of these girls doesn't mean you'll be single forever, not even close to it.

If you start developing an attitude of "I'll never find love", you will be putting that energy out there and that will drive girls away. Be happy, be positive, and have fun. Spend time with your friends, expand your social circle, and it will happen when you least expect it.

Thank you for the reply. But can you or anyone help as to why I feel as though relationships around me (romantic and non romantic) are changing for the worse? Also, Am I wrong for telling girl 1 how I feel? And do you think my relationship would be different if I didn't tell her how I felt? She is the first girl in my life that I can honestly say I LOVE and would be prepared to move country to be with (i know it's crazy!!). But when a diamond girl like that comes along (whom you have a massivley strong connection with) you can't just bottle up feelings:/.

It's sad, cos now she doesnt ignite convos like she used to. We were each others [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] snapchat best friend for about 6 months too and now she hasn't snapchatted me for about 2 months. She was at a party last night and normally when shes out with friends she'll update me on everything (cos we legit tell each other everything) and now nothing...

[Mathias]

Thank you for the reply. But can you or anyone help as to why I feel as though relationships around me (romantic and non romantic) are changing for the worse? Also, Am I wrong for telling girl 1 how I feel? And do you think my relationship would be different if I didn't tell her how I felt? She is the first girl in my life that I can honestly say I LOVE and would be prepared to move country to be with (i know it's crazy!!). But when a diamond girl like that comes along (whom you have a massivley strong connection with) you can't just bottle up feelings:/.

It's sad, cos now she doesnt ignite convos like she used to. We were each others [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] snapchat best friend for about 6 months too and now she hasn't snapchatted me for about 2 months. She was at a party last night and normally when shes out with friends she'll update me on everything (cos we legit tell each other everything) and now nothing...

You need to change your approach.

You like a girl? Ask her out. Don't wait 6 months and then profess love that will overwhelm her and drive her away.

[bbbb]

The girl [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] may have felt there is too much distance between you to make it work, and decided to nip it in the bud to spare your feelings. I wouldn't blame her for that, though the manner in which she did it leaves a lot to desire. But then again, sometimes you have to be curt to let the other one heal and move on...

As for telling her what you feel - I think you should always tell the person you have feelings for that you do. If they do not hold the same feelings for you and are honest about it, but have the courage to be gentle and tell you plainly instead of acting like a total douchebag and just suddenly cutting down on interaction with you, then they are true gems indeed, but you have to respect them and the fact they don't feel the same way towards you. It will hurt as hell and you will want to accuse yourself of doing something wrong, of not being good enough - though boy, one day you will see it plain as daylight that there is NOTHING you have done wrong, and nothing to be ashamed of. Love is a tricky bugger - it either works or it doesn't, and sometimes we have to go through a lot of these one-sided sentiments before we come across the right person. (I've been unhappily in unrequited love - or what I thought to be love - with three guys for a long time before I found the one who fell for me hopelessly - and I quite liked him at first, but I wasn't sure if I fancied him and whether I would ever love him - but I took a chance and a few dates and moths later I wanted to laugh at my fears - because by then, I was pretty sure I am even more in love with him than he was with me

Sometimes relationships need time, and it's not at all uncommon to not hit it off immediately, then meet again after years and suddenly fall for each other completely - a lot of my parents' friends have such stories behind their happy, 20+ years marriages. But that doesn't mean you should wait for her and pine for her - maybe a time for you two will come, maybe it won't - bear the girl no grudge and keep your heart open for a girl who WILL love you Meet a lot of people, try to be casual with everyone - and I would suggest, maybe try chatting up a girl you fancy, even if you don't know her yet - she might not turn out to be your soulmate, but she might become your friend, and it's a great way to train your courage with the other sex. I wish you all the best and hope you'll soon meet someone who'll reciprocate your feelings!

[basilandthyme]

Also, Am I wrong for telling girl 1 how I feel? And do you think my relationship would be different if I didn't tell her how I felt? She is the first girl in my life that I can honestly say I LOVE and would be prepared to move country to be with (i know it's crazy!!). But when a diamond girl like that comes along (whom you have a massivley strong connection with) you can't just bottle up feelings:/.

Here's the thing. Those who are experienced in love will tell you that we can't truly love someone until we've spent a lot of time dating and hanging out together. Professing love before this time will show that you're naive and inexperienced with love and could well scare someone away.

Thing is, before we've spent so much time in close proximity, we only see an idealised person. We can't see how that person acts in everyday life. We don't know if they will respect us or treat us adequately to earn our love.

I remember a boyfriend telling me after 2 weeks that he loved me. I immediately responded "no you don't". It was too early for him to have any idea of our true suitability for love.

[soccerguy987]

Thank you everyone for your posts. Mathias - Thanks for being straight up honest - I defo need to change my approach. I suppose that's why girl 2 didn't work out!
bbbb - thank you for your post. It very nearly reduced me to tears. You see, this is a touch subject for me - cos everyone around me is IN a relationship or IN love or has been in a relationship or loved someone....and there's just me who hasn't experienced it all. Just one kiss with a girl who told me it meant nothing cos she had a few drinks. Sometimes, I msg and/or say things to girls that bite me in the butt cos I failed at chatting up a girl or she is rejected me straight up...so my confidence does drop a little - but tend to not affect me as much.
basilandthyme - thanks for the post buddy, I suppose girl 1 wouldn't work out as much cos I've only spent max three weeks with her in person.

[TheEvilJester]

Trust me, I know just how you feel. I'm kind of there myself now. My whole life I have been ridiculously shy and never really learned how to open up to people unless they've already done so first...... so that goes about a million times more for women. For the longest time, I didn't even realize there was anything wrong with me or with how shy I was. It really didn't even occur to me until maybe my teens, and by then, for a while, it felt too hopeless to get over it. Even so, I tried and did a little bit. In my early 20's I actually got into a relationship that I thought was great. It wound up being a big mistake, but unfortunately that was not something I discovered for nearly a decade. Though, in my defense, that is largely because she hid who she truly was from me until after marriage, and then little by little revealed everything I'd grown to know and love about her to be a complete lie.

Now, I'm forced to start over, so deliriously happy to be out of that relationship, but still completely clueless as to how to go about searching out another one. Sometimes it still feels hopeless to me. I know just what you mean about feeling like you are back to square one. ....Here's thing

I'm NOT back to square one and neither are you. Why do I say that? Because both you and I have at least made the appropriate steps to put ourselves out there. Unfortunately, nothing may have come of it, but you developed a crush on a gal and actually told her how you feel. That's a big step. You've made progress. Now it is important to learn, grow, and improve from that. Don't let the rejection scare you back into your shell where you lose the positive benefit of the fact that you actually tried.

I will agree with what the others have said. You can't really "love" a person until you are actually with them and the feelings are returned. Until that it is desire/a crush/admiration. So, I would agree that with girl [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] , you should have just asked her out rather than confessing your feelings to her. I mean, if you've been friends for a long time, you could maybe confess your feelings to a small degree (ex: telling her you always thought you two got along so well together and would like a chance to see if that chemistry continues in a dating relationship) but still not make it like you are telling her you are crazy about her.

People often talk about the "friend-zone" but there is a big difference between being friends and being in the friend-zone. It doesn't automatically mean you are in the friend-zone if you are just friends with somebody, it could just be possible the thought never occurred to them. They'd never know unless you try.

As for girl [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] , did you ever try asking her out? Or was there any tangible reason why she stopped reaching out as much? Do you ever see her in person to get an idea if she is still just as friendly, or if she is acting perhaps a bit weird? I ask because it could just be natural. Friends aren't always in contact 24/7. Maybe she's just been busy. I have friends I don't talk to everyday, in fact some I may not talk to for months at a time. Then, we can pick up the next day like we were never apart.

So, unless you have a reason to believe she's specifically pulling away, why not just ask her out? Again, you'll never know if you don't try. Good luck to you. I know how hard it can be for shy fellas like ourselves, but the only way to really make any progress is to keep trying. It will get easier, and in time you will find somebody. For now, you are still young. Don't worry if it doesn't happen right away. Sometimes people in your age group aren't as serious about finding a relationship, and haven't yet experienced life enough to know and appreciate a good person when they see one. Good luck to you, friend.

[bbbb]

basilandthyme and TheEvilJester make some very good points - it's easy to idealize someone you know mostly via the online world and only met in person several times. You only get to see their good parts, as obviously they wouldn't want you to see them in a less positive light. They might indeed seem good as gold but if they're less keen on you than you are on them, there's not much you can do. There also isn't much that I could say whether you're doing something wrong as I only get your account. I have no insight into the girls' side of the story. Not saying that you have anything to hide, but it's impossible to see how you behave in person. I had a friend who used to say little and stare a lot (no smile, very few changes in facial expression, it was as if he was wearing a mask). He was probably just very, very shy, but I always felt uncomfortable in his presence as it kinda creeped me out. Now, you're hopefully not as bad at human interaction as he was, but it could be a good idea if you had a female friend you could play the scenario out with and see what she has to say.

[soccerguy987]

Hi TheEvilJester- many thanks for your post. Having been rejected, I will defo take your advice and not lose confidence in myself. Just knocks you down a little - which I suppose is natural? But I'm sure I'll get back up on my feet again. I will defo take yours and others advice and change my approach and be a little more flirty? After all, every-time I've been genuinely flirty (two occassions) I've had my first kiss and got a girls number when talking to a girl thru a friends phone. So maybe be a little flirty? Tbh, over the summer i've been working out and look a lot better than i did a few months so this might give me a bit more confidence and a little more attractive? Also got a new hairstyle and beard LOL

An update on Girl [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] - she popped up to me the other day and we chatted. She has been going thru some personal problems and has literally blocked off everyone and has focused on school and family (and casual dating people). She has reiterated that my feelings wasn't the reason for her blocking me off and considers it a chat and doesnt want it to affect our relationship. She also told me that she had no indication that I felt that way towards her even though I told her several times that I find her beautiful, and very thankful for our relationship and often telling her how much I miss her and would love to fly out and spend time with her. We have also held hands on several occasions in the past. I think I have to face the fact that we are people with an extremely close bond and the relationship we have is non-romantic...which I am OK with. Many thanks for your anecdote...and I wish you luck and success in this as well friend

As for Girl [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] - that ship may have sailed but kills me that I didn't move in sooner. Whenever im around her, im really comfortable and we always have a good laugh and even over chat too. I think maybe cos at one point we were always msging each other, she may have felt the need to slow the relationship down (not too sure why) - possibly bcos of something that was said or something heard from friends. You see my school is pretty gossipy so she may have heard something that she didn't like or rumours that i liked her? It's cool though, but we'll see how things pan out in the next few months.

bbbb - I defo agree with the points above As for Girl [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] , hopefully what i wrote above can give you some indication how she views the situation. and as for being shy for Girl [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] , im not shy at all! Aside from being a student, i work in retail and that requires me to be really friendly, chatty etc. I also have a small job in media and always networking with people....so i cant afford to be shy!! I was also a commitee member at my uni and thats how I met girl [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] - and she just started school so I was making sure her and thirty new members were getting to know one and another and also settling in. She was really shy at first but i was just being myself and making jokes and she soon opened up and thats how we started chatting to each other.

[TheEvilJester]

Anything you can do to gain more confidence in yourself will definitely help in other walks of life as well, including dating. Working out is a great way to achieve that, because not only does it give you more confidence, but it also is good for your health and can even help you look better and thereby more attractive to the opposite sex. I've actually finally motivated myself back into the gym, and have even become a little bit addicted to it. Healthfully addicted, that is. I don't overdo it, plus I can stop whenever I waaaaaant maaaaaaan (Nervously scratches neck and itches nose). LOL!

So, good on ya, friend. Good for you! Now just take that confidence and start to project it out there. Not being closer to the situation, I'm not sure why you think the ship has sailed with girl [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] . If you really do think it has, then perhaps just move on and find yourself somebody else. Still, unless it truly has proven unlikely, why not at least give it a try? What do you have to lose?

You say you are pretty outgoing in other situations, so use that to your benefit. Anyway, like I said, I know how you feel. It isn't easy, but the rewards for putting yourself back out there will eventually be so much better than just giving up for the sake of trying to avoid pain and rejection. Good luck, friend!