Pining over unavailable woman

[rustybuckets]

So this situation has been on my mind for quite a while now and I've finally decided to turn to random internet strangers for help.

Last September I (a 21 year old male) transferred to a new university and joined a student organization there (the details of what this group does aren't relevant). I met a girl about the same age as me and took an instant liking to her. We would chat during our weekly group meetings when we got the chance, but before I could ask her out she mentions having a boyfriend.

This was obviously a disappointment, especially since I only seem to develop romantic attraction for women very rarely. In any case I thought it would still be worth us getting to know each other so I asked her if she wanted to meet up on campus sometime to get coffee or whatever. She seems enthusiastic about this and we make plans.

Time passes and our little meetings continue (maybe every other week) and my feelings for her grow stronger. We talk about her boyfriend a bit, and I learn that they've been dating for just over a year (by now it'll have been year and a half), and that they were friends for at least another year before that. I even ask if they're close, and she says they are and that her boyfriend is nice, although she doesn't sound terribly enthusiastic.

As summer approaches, our group's meetings come to an end and we both plan on returning to our respective hometowns (she was living on campus), meaning we won't have as many opportunities to see each other. I message her suggesting we try to keep in touch during the break and she agrees, but when I try to set something up later she doesn't respond.

Taking this as a final sign that she isn't interested, I decide that I should probably stop tormenting myself and I unfriend her on Facebook as a way of putting distance between us.

Our group did have an unexpected meeting in the summer (about a month and a half ago now) and I saw her there. I wasn't planning on snubbing or ignoring her in person, and once we have a few drinks (it was a pub night) the initial awkwardness is defused and we're laughing and joking with each other.

I haven't contacted her since then, since I still think I should just try to get over her and find a single woman, but I can't stop thinking about her. Worse, I can't even seem to think of other women in a romantic way because of my feelings for her, and I have had other opportunities that I've ignored out of disinterest.

So what I'm asking from you, dear reader, is both advice on how to move on from a situation like this (if that indeed is the correct course of action), and also insight into the situation I've described above. If you want more details, have questions or need clarification just ask and I will provide. Thanks a bunch.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest with you, I think in your case there isn't much advice we need to offer. I think you are on the right track already. She is currently in a relationship, and whether it is happy or miserable, you should never get in between that.

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like you are not necessarily interested in being just her friend. If that is the case, there would be no benefit in you keeping her in your life, as it would only serve to make it even harder for you to move on. There really isn't anything you can do to get over a crush by force, so to speak. The only thing that will do that is distance and time. When you have a crush on somebody, it can be hard to think of anybody else in the same way. I think we can all understand that.

The only way you are going to stop doing that is to keep your distance from her and let time pass. In time, you will notice some other gal and that will help you to kick start back into "the game," so to speak. Moving on is definitely the right course of action, though. In time, you never know what fate could bring, but for now she is in a relationship. Some day you will fall for a girl who is actually available, and who will return your feelings. Maybe that actually will win up being her one day, maybe not. Just don't let yourself be stuck waiting around for something that may never happen.

Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

She has a boyfriend who she respects and talked well about. That's all the information you need to stop thinking about her. Everytime you think about her, remember the bolded words and change the subject to something else besides her.

and I have had other opportunities that I've ignored out of disinterest.

STOP doing that. And while you're at it. Don't be getting into anything serious with anyone right now unless you plan on getting a job and relocating to where ever the eff she lives. Would you do that? If you wouldn't then don't date seriously while you're in Uni.

[rustybuckets]

To be honest with you, I think in your case there isn't much advice we need to offer. I think you are on the right track already. She is currently in a relationship, and whether it is happy or miserable, you should never get in between that.

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like you are not necessarily interested in being just her friend. If that is the case, there would be no benefit in you keeping her in your life, as it would only serve to make it even harder for you to move on. There really isn't anything you can do to get over a crush by force, so to speak. The only thing that will do that is distance and time. When you have a crush on somebody, it can be hard to think of anybody else in the same way. I think we can all understand that.

The only way you are going to stop doing that is to keep your distance from her and let time pass. In time, you will notice some other gal and that will help you to kick start back into "the game," so to speak. Moving on is definitely the right course of action, though. In time, you never know what fate could bring, but for now she is in a relationship. Some day you will fall for a girl who is actually available, and who will return your feelings. Maybe that actually will win up being her one day, maybe not. Just don't let yourself be stuck waiting around for something that may never happen.

Good luck to you.

You're right that I'm not interested in being just her friend. I can make friends pretty easily and it doesn't make sense to be friends with someone you have feelings for when their reciprocation of those feelings isn't possible.

One problem is that come this September, our group becomes active again, and since both of us have volunteered for greater responsibilities within the group I'll be seeing her pretty frequently whether I like it or not. This is pretty frustrating since my feelings for her have effectively paralyzed my ability to find interest in other women.

How long does it normally take for a "crush" like this to subside? This whole situation is turning into a giant waste of time as far as my dating life goes.

[megvoh]

Don't sniff after a unavailable person it makes you look bad and also feel bad that you won't get the same level of interest back.
Find someone single.

[TheEvilJester]

There is no standard answer to how long it takes to get over a crush. That can vary by person, and can even vary for the same person. It depends on a lot of factors, many of which are intangible. Sure, there are things like how often you see the person that you may or may not be able to change, but there are things you can't. Sometimes you just can't help when somebody has really gotten under your skin, so to speak. So unfortunately only time will really tell you how long that will take.

Now, you don't have to give any details you'd rather not share, but is the group you mention something you can't (or at least really would not want to) give up? If she is going to be there as well, it may be in your better interest to skip it if it wouldn't be too much a burden. You didn't mention specifically what the group is, so I don't know if it is something you could skip.

For that matter, is it something where you could generally avoid her even if she is there? In other words, if it is a large enough group thing where not everybody necessarily always interacts with everybody else, you could maybe just try not to interact with her as much as you can help it.

Either way, this girl somehow got to you. Happens to all of us. Unfortunately, she happened to already be taken, so nothing you can (or should) do about that. So, all you can do is keep your distance as best you can and eventually you will move on. Good luck to you.

[rustybuckets]

Now, you don't have to give any details you'd rather not share, but is the group you mention something you can't (or at least really would not want to) give up? If she is going to be there as well, it may be in your better interest to skip it if it wouldn't be too much a burden. You didn't mention specifically what the group is, so I don't know if it is something you could skip.

For that matter, is it something where you could generally avoid her even if she is there? In other words, if it is a large enough group thing where not everybody necessarily always interacts with everybody else, you could maybe just try not to interact with her as much as you can help it.

Either way, this girl somehow got to you. Happens to all of us. Unfortunately, she happened to already be taken, so nothing you can (or should) do about that. So, all you can do is keep your distance as best you can and eventually you will move on. Good luck to you.

The group is definitely something I'd rather not quit, and since I'm such an active and visible member it would pretty conspicuous if I left. I could try avoiding her when we meet, but she would probably notice and might ask me why I'm distancing myself (unless she's already guessed the reason). Would it be a good idea to tell her why I'm avoiding her so she doesn't feel rejected or misunderstand my motivations?

[lisa198931]

Greetings to all, i don't really think my name is necessary here because there are lots of fake spell casters out there and i just can't believe the level of scam going on here,i lost my Greg few months ago and did everything possible to get him back but proved abortive until a close friend of mine spoke to me about spell casting and gave me the email address of Dr. Ajala and i decided to give him a try and unbelievably to my surprise it actually worked and i can cheerfully announce to all out here that there are real spell casters but just outnumbered by the fake ones. Please try Dr. Ajala and i tell you there wont be regrets. Under 48 hour i got my Greg back and i am get this good loving from my man then i think its worth it..his email is [email]docalaja@aol.com[/email]
Regards

[TheEvilJester]

I'm not too sure on that one myself, so hopefully others can offer some thoughts. Is it a setting where you'd be able to sort of "casually" avoid her. In other words, is it possible you could do it without it being blatantly obvious you are avoiding her, if that makes sense?

If so, I'd frankly suggest that rather than to tell her why you are avoiding her. If, however, it would too obvious, then it might perhaps be better to just be somewhat honest. I say somewhat honest because I don't necessarily think you should confess your complete feelings to her, but maybe just something like "I didn't know at first that you had a boyfriend, and I recently realized I'd kind of developed feelings for you, so I think it is just for the best."

Again, though, I'm a little on the fence on that, so perhaps others may have some thoughts.

[Wakeup]

Would it be a good idea to tell her why I'm avoiding her so she doesn't feel rejected or misunderstand my motivations?

Why don't you just stop worrying about what she will think if you distance yourself and just worry about you and getting to the stage of indifference to her so that you stop wasting those "opportunities" you said you have been turning down because of your mis-placed infatuation.

You don't have to be standoffish or unyielding, you just have to be less enthralled with her and start treating her like she isn't on the pedestal you currently have her on. Stop all the pursuing and just be. She has a boyfriend and she doesn't want you pursuing which is obvious by her ignoring your requests to hang one-on-one which is her maintaining some good relationship boundaries that she's not letting you cross.

[TheEvilJester]

I think more so the problem, if I am understanding, is that avoiding her would be a problem because of a shared group activity he does not wish to give up. Obviously the easy answer is to stop going to said activity, but maybe it is something he refuses to give up, or is at least very strongly opposed to giving up.

Take it from a guy who knows, it is quite easy to say to stop being so enthralled with somebody and take them off the pedestal. Heck, the person with the infatuation can even realize it and say it themselves. It is quite another thing to actually DO it. That can be much more difficult. Sometimes, when somebody has just gotten under your skin, it can be difficult to let go no matter how much you know the situation is not right for whatever reason (they are not interested, they are already taken, they turn out to be a sack of crap, etc.).

You are exactly right, though. The only thing that will fix that is distance and time.

So, back to the OP, I think Wakeup is right. Your best bet would be to just avoid her completely, but if this group of yours makes that impossible and you do not wish to leave it, then at least don't be friendly with her. No need to be directly rude or standoffish, but also no need to try to be friends. In other words, basically she is a stranger.

I would agree with what Wakeup said. Don't worry about what she thinks of you. What does it really matter anyway? What is important is you getting to a point where you can get over her so your feelings for her will no longer hinder you from looking for other women who actually are available. Good luck to you.