Good partner shitty lover.

[Kilocake]

So hi, I'm a 30/m and my girlfriend is a 29/f. I have a problem that I'd really like some help with. It's basically like, what should I do? To elaborate let me say that my girlfriend is very good in a lot of ways, she is nice looking, smart, earns well, and is from a good family. I value her but on the other hand she doesn't like to have sex and at best she just does it to get it over with for my sake which sucks. Also her level of fitness is in quite a bit of decline and I think she just gracefully wants to transform into her mother in that way (not good), lastly I'd say she doesn't really care about things that I like to do, she mostly just wants to watch tv at home and not go out to bars with me so I don't end up going either.

I'm not sure if what I have for her is love, or if love is even like a real thing anymore. I relate back to a past relationship I had where like almost all of my thoughts were about that person and we ****ed like crazy people. That girl has issues though and it's done forever but that's a digression. My point is, is like what the heck should I do? My Girlfriend a really good partner but a terrible lover. I've talked with her about these things but they don't help. On a logical side I'm not interested in getting someone who is only hotter but is stupid or who is outgoing but has a really low end job. It isn't all logic though, I see fun girls doing fun stuff and they go to the gym all the time (i do that) or whatever and I feel like I really want that, but throwing away the good things I have is the price. Certainty for uncertainty. I don't know. I do know that she knows I'm not really happy right now and surely she isn't that happy either but she wants to be with me too for her own reasons.

What t he heck would you do?

[basilandthyme]

I find the way you describe your girlfriend's positive attributes interesting. "she is nice looking, smart, earns well, and is from a good family". With the exception of intelligence, those things would be the last I choose to describe someone who's worth dating.

What about thoughtful, happy, caring, respectful, similar sense of humour, similar morals and ethics? Do you love spending time with her? Yes, I know that this isn't what you asked advice about - it's just something to think about.

With respect to your actual question: I'd ork through bedroom problems with someone who liked sex but was lacking in skills and wanted to learn. But if they simply don't like sex, then I'd end things because it would mean we're not compatible.

[megvoh]

I wonder if you don't love her why be with her, is it for her " well earning job" because you mentioned that sort of thing twice in your post, do you live together and she pays half the rent and bills? does that mean more to you then her or you being sexually happy with her?

[Wakeup]

Don't be afraid to leave her if you're not getting your needs met and she shows zero interest in trying to meet them.

You settle and why would you want to do that when you could have someone who has your same goals, is happy to introduce you to some of her fun and interesting hobbies/activities and has a libido because she does more then sit on her ass and watch t.v. You are in a romantic relationship with what amounts to being your MOTHER. (metaphorically speaking of course.) Ugh!

[Kilocake]

Yeah, wow you're right. Seems like a waste though. It's been 2 years and she's really stable.

[Wakeup]

The only reason you have been together for as long as two years because you've been too addicted to having her in your life that you've been afraid to go cold turkey withdrawl to detox from her.

It may have been two years but the future years will just get even more unsatisfying for you if you stay with yur "mom." You might try giving her one more chance to remedy by making it very, very clear to you that she needs to start getting motivate with hobbies and goals and showing you through her actions that she wants to be more then your starfish, obligatory cum bucket.

Sorry for being harsh and I wouldn't use those exact words (of course) but basically that's who she is sexually. Again... Ugh!

[Khocie]

I think that happens to the best of lovers, the click of interests but i think it is important to fix one problem at a time, If I understood well you want her to be fitter and be outgoing but still stay a good partner she is. I think you should consider working out and suggesting she joins you that way you will get time to be out doors with her while working out together, if she feels comfortable it might end up being a habit till she reaches the fit body you desire for her. But take it one thing at a time.

[pcmaster]

Been following this topic and [MENTION=80474]Khocie[/MENTION] been only one who suggested to fix this relationship. I like that.

[Wakeup]

^^^ Only a codependent thinker would suggest to keep trying past "one more time" to let her know that she needs to change her apathetic ways or the relationship will end if she/he doesn't make the changes that would satisfy some very fundamental, relationship needs.

But... I don't need to tell you that... I think you just forgot what you've learned from viewing all your Youtube videos (and knowledge gleaned from reading) just for a minute.

When there is only one who is trying to "fix" then its useless even trying. Anyone should know that, PC. Especially anyone who has been in a relationship where they have settled and have tried to change the very essence of who someone is instead of just leaving and trying to find someone who is more compatible.

- - - Updated - - -

I think that happens to the best of lovers, the click of interests but i think it is important to fix one problem at a time, If I understood well you want her to be fitter and be outgoing but still stay a good partner she is. I think you should consider working out and suggesting she joins you that way you will get time to be out doors with her while working out together, if she feels comfortable it might end up being a habit till she reaches the fit body you desire for her. But take it one thing at a time.

I would be surprised if he hasn't already tried doing that and she's not bother to want to join him. He can't make her do anything but he can make it clear that he is not happy with the current situation (once again) or see if she's at least concerned enough about his happiness to get some professional help (like couples therapy) to help get them back on track and see if she "gets it" through an unbiased professional.

They are fundamentally incompatible.

- - - Updated - - -

oh... and yes, slowing down of libidos does happen in long term relationship If the couple involved don't keep actively keeping the "magic" going but this situation is different. She DOESN'T EVEN LIKE SEX, and when he does become successful in needling into doing it she makes him feel that she's only doing it to appease him. What man would be okay with THAT?

[Wakeup]

Op: One thing YOU need to definitely do is to stop comparing your mixed-up and issued ex girlfriend's hyper-sexuality to this current girl or any other girl. Her libido was fueled by her emotional issues. You're far better off without her but you've not found the right person with your current one either.

You're like the fable; Goldilocks and the Three Bears it seems.
One bowl of porridge was too hot,
one was too cold.

Now with experience(s) and having learned from them, you're more likely to find just the right one now that you know what is and isn't healthy and what it is exactly what and who you need to have as a life partner. Don't settle.

Cheers.

[Fuzzyfeeling]

The spark is missing or it has died as it seems.
Anyways think of it in the long run : will you be able to carry on like this forever? Is that what you really do want in a fulfilling relationship, think about those basic concepts and set your mind up ,doing it sooner is better.
Wish you good luck😉

[basilandthyme]

Following on from the idea of suggesting fixing the relationship - It doesn't even sound like a great relationship.

The OP says he'd miss her because she's "stable". WTF? Smart, stable and high income and good family are the things he appreciates about her. There's nothing in here about love, compatibility, fun times.

The OP has said nothing which makes this relationship look like it's worth saving.

Edited to add: if a man was staying with me for the reasons the OP states, I'd prefer to be out of there anyway.

[Wakeup]

The OP has said nothing which makes this relationship look like it's worth saving.

Seconded! ...

[pcmaster]

^^^ Only a codependent thinker would suggest to keep trying past "one more time" to let her know that she needs to change her apathetic ways or the relationship will end if she/he doesn't make the changes that would satisfy some very fundamental, relationship needs.

But... I don't need to tell you that... I think you just forgot what you've learned from viewing all your Youtube videos (and knowledge gleaned from reading) just for a minute.

Remember Cerby? The running cactus. When his GF cheated on him everyone told him to end it, not to give her a second chance. But I been private messaging with him and he said they came back together and tried to make things work. Guy spend on forum years and in the end when it came down to his own relationship all this was useless to him. He listened to his heart. Not sure if hes still with the same girl, its been more than a year but I asked him this yesterday. Will see what he responds.

[Wakeup]

Remember Cerby? The running cactus. When his GF cheated on him everyone told him to end it, not to give her a second chance. But I been private messaging with him and he said they came back together and tried to make things work. Guy spend on forum years and in the end when it came down to his own relationship all this was useless to him. He listened to his heart. Not sure if hes still with the same girl, its been more than a year but I asked him this yesterday. Will see what he responds.

What has that situation have to do with this situation?

The girl in this relationship does NOT like to have sex and the Op DOES like to have sex. They are also fundamentally incompatible. Cerby and his gf (ex gf?) were not fundamentally incompatible. You can't take one person's personal issue and apply the same logic to someone else's .

But yes, people will do what they find the most easiest to do no matter what they read here. That means even returning for more of the same. That doesn't mean we should tell them all to just try to keep an unhealthy relationship, one of apathy and dissatisfaction (as this one appears to be) a dangerous abusive one or chronic cheating in their lives.