Best Friends or Settling

[verde]

So am looking for some unbiased opinions here. My story 34 year old guy. I was engaged a few years ago in a very passion, yet also drama filled relationship. It actually fell apart weeks before the wedding. I remained in contact with her way too long after we broke up. Anyway I have dated several others since her and most of them fizzled out as I realized there really wasn't much substance there just surface attraction.

I then met a girl with whom I share so many things in common with its almost eerie ranging from hobbies to family upbringing to values. I've been with her on and off for about a year (I've had to travel a lot). She is truly my best friend, and I love her company and she is always there for me and has the biggest heart ever. I love her. But the problem is I fear I am not in love with her. And I'm not sure it's just being jaded from my "passion/drama filled" relationships of the past or if there's merit to my feelings.

I want to hug her, hold her hand, sit next to her, spend time with her, travel with her, but I really have no desire to kiss her, sleep with her etc. I do sleep with her (not often) and once we start everything usually fine. The difference is with other girls I'm ready to go like 24/7 and actually get upset if it goes a few days without. So I imagine she may be feeling the same. Kissing is more like pecks than passionate full on making out.

My concern is am I settling and doing her injustice by staying with her or do I need to try and embrace the amazing girl that she is? I realize that down the road attraction, beauty, and passion fades and what we have will be exactly what I'll want when I'm old and grey. But am I too young for that now?

Thank you in advance for your advice and opinions.

[SueNami]

How long since your engagement fell apart?

Imo...you are not attracted to this girl. If you find her physically attractive it could be a mental block on your end. OR you could be overcompensating for the friendship you didnt have in your ex.

It sounds like you are comparing everything to the steamy relationship you had before. Sometimes its the tension in those that creates the passion...

I think you need to really sit down and examine what you want. What your ideal relationship looks like.

That might mean putting your current thing on hold.

[verde]

Thank you for the help. The engagement broke off 3 years ago. But I stayed in contact with her for almost 2 years after that.

I've tried to do just that and take a moment and really think about what I want. Ideally what I'd want it that steamy passion side where I am very attracted to them, but also have that best friend quality as well. What I've found, so far at least, is it's one or the other as the comfortability of the best friend scenario makes it hard to still have that passion side of it too, because you're right some of it is created by the tension.

[SueNami]

There's nothing wrong with the passionate side but remember that each relationship is different. I firmly believe you can have it all. However, I had that drama passion you mentioned. I find the positive passions are slightly different. Calmer in a way, yet still freakin' hot. But in all honesty because I went from one to the other, the calmer seemed to be missing something at first. I stuck with it and later I realized it was only the conflict that was missing. I had just become so used to it.

[IndiReloaded]

Is she objectively attractive? I.e. would you/your friends call her hot? Be honest.

[verde]

Thanks both. I agree I think you become addicted to the drama and conflict.

Indi - I'd definitely say she is attractive/cute. I don't think hot would be the word I'd use. And that could be the issue. Maybe a lack of "hotness". But then again hot seems to go hand and hand with being rude lol.

She works out and takes care of herself and is extremely easy going. No fighting, never heard her say a mean thing ever.

[basilandthyme]

But then again hot seems to go hand and hand with being rude lol.

I know you've said this partially in jest, but I'm suspecting that there's a shred of truth in it for you. In short, you only get turned on by being treated badly, yes?

I think it could be worth working through this and learning another way to be. Learn to appreciate the hot, sexy, horny girls who treat you well

good luck

[verde]

I know you've said this partially in jest, but I'm suspecting that there's a shred of truth in it for you. In short, you only get turned on by being treated badly, yes?

I think it could be worth working through this and learning another way to be. Learn to appreciate the hot, sexy, horny girls who treat you well

good luck

Thanks. I'm not sure if treated "badly" would be how I'd describe it, but I guess if I had to pin down - a certain mysteriousness, independence, confidence, and maybe even borderline aloofness is strangely attractive to me. I hate that we don't naturally choose good traits to be attracted to. For instance, this girl leaves very little mystery to what she's thinking or feeling, and is the exact opposite of aloof - very animated, warm and sweet. And thinking about it after I write it, I'd much rather have that than someone aloof!