Is it right for the bf to not answer who the caller was when gf asks who it was?

[Heart0606]

I'm so disappointed with what happened last night. We are having dinner when my bfs phone rang. He didn't answer it "after" he saw who called. I asked who it was candidly and he didn't reply. I said, you should have answered , it must be important . Again, I reiterated who it was . To my surprise , he refused to answer . Instead he said , " privacy" meaning he needs his privacy as he ain't telling me . On top of that he got upset as if I did something. Later he said, he refused to tell because it's going to be a long one .. Long conversation. I was surprised like .. Wow how is it going to be long when I just asked a question . Apparently , it's still the same girl calling who obviously like him. She used to call him any time of the day, and sending him pics. I knw he's not doing anything as he's an honest person but his reasoning is out of line. For him to say , he's entitled to his privacy is not coinciding with the innocent question I rendered. He also stated , in the past I dictated and demanded to call the girl to stop calling in wee hours. I suggested to him to let the girl know that time as he was sharing with me that this girl kept calling even sleeping time . So I said, call her and let her kniw not to do that . I was also concerned that the girl might make up a story about him as he's entertaining the call. That's the only reason why I said , call her. Now he's accusing me I'm demanding and dictating when the truth was we were having a healthy conversation when my opinion came out. What bothers me is he thought he has the right to privacy by not telling who's calling him when the truth was he's been talking to her. The privacy zone is being used in a wrong way. What could be the reason why you would hold the callers name fr your partner not unless your hiding something . I know nothing is going on but it's not fair to be treated this way when in good faith I just asked. He even said .. I should not ask and wait for him to tell me. How does he know what my question then ? Duh. Pls advice especially about the privacy zone.

[basilandthyme]

Answering a phone call while out to dinner with your girlfriend is the height of rudeness. Only on-call workers taking calls from work - or a call from the babysitter is important enough to answer. Also it's not your place to tell him when he should and shouldn't answer his phone. While you didn't 'demand and dictate' to know who called, you certainly insisted on knowing - which amounts to pretty much the same thing.

All that being said....his behaviour is fishy.

He didn't tell you that she called because he didn't want you to get upset. Whether or not he's got something to hide remains to be seen. Do you think that they are only casual friends now? Or does he still allow her to be intrusive in your relationship?

The biggest problem however is lack of trust. I think you don't trust him with her. You say that he's a good and trustworthy person, but if this is the case, why is he still taking calls from a girl who's got a thing for him? And if it IS just a casual friendship, then he doesn't trust you enough to be honest with you. He's scared of your reaction.

How long have you been with this guy for? Are you prepared to have this issue continue indefinitely? Because I can't see him being firm with her - he obviously values her too much to risk alienating her.

[eve.ashley]

you should not smother your partner. that sort of behaviour can be brought about by one person being very controlling and asking 25 questions per minute...

however, i do not think that is the case with you. i simply think your bf does need his privacy, dumb him and let him have all the privacy a single man can have...

it's quite normal for people who are as intimate as lovers are to ask such questions, as you asked.

it's also normal for people in a relationship that is exclusive to deal with people who try and flirt with them, and cut them off...

hell, not even in an open relationship would another partner call and pester when the person is with their primary partner...

most likely he is cheating and she is trying to let you know...

i am really sorry to have to say this, i know it's not pleasant to hear,

but

dump him on his arse...

[Heart0606]

Hello.. Thanks for all your responses and opinions. It's very clear that this old classmate of his , the girl who's working in Middle East, a widow is very lonely. She also became my friend on fb and told me , I'm not trying to steal him from you and yet, she keeps calling him . She's nice to me but she tries to talk to mY bf and even told him about her plans to go visit backhome and if he's going to visit too. It's irritating but I guess she's being friendly. My bf said she's very persistent . Before he was saying , he doesn't want to ignore her as she's just nice. Regarding the privacy thing, he's entitled to his own privacy in one way or another but to say that in my face .. For me wasn't cool. He could have said .. Thats nothing or just say it and it's end of the story . But when you say I'm not telling you because of privacy thing , it's like you're really hiding something . It hurts in a way .. You're not disclosing when actually it's not Big deal . When you didn't say then name .. It invited mess.

[Wakeup]

his reasoning is out of line. For him to say , he's entitled to his privacy is not coinciding with the innocent question I rendered.

Then break up with him and if you don't want to do that then shut up about it because your mis-trust is irritating and off-putting to be honest.

You immediately put him on the defensive on how you handled all of that as disclosed in YOUR own words. If you think he wants to be with her rather then with you or if you think he puts her above you then let him have her because there is NO point in being with a man that does not consider you his first priority.

Anything other then you coming back into your thread and telling us you have left him is your own bullshit, insecurity, shrewdness, attempts at control and immaturity.

Chew on that for a bit before you respond emotionally to the bluntness of what you've just been told otherwise you'll just be giving us yet another example of your inability to be calm and mature when not getting your own way or hearing what you want to hear.

[TheEvilJester]

It is a little hard for us to comment without being closer to the situation. It could be very possible that you over-reacted the last time and it has sort of put him on the defensive. It sure as heck doesn't sound to me like you over-reacted, but I can't say that for sure without being you or him.

I will say this, for him not to tell you who called him seems out of line to me. I mean, unless maybe you have a habit of being overly nosy. Yes, you should be able to trust him and shouldn't have to ask..... but by the same token, he shouldn't give you any reason to think perhaps you cannot trust him. To be blatantly secretive like that, he is not instilling trust. If this woman contacts him overly much, and he is aware that it bothers you, he needs to put a stop to it. You shouldn't have to tell him in the first place.

All the same, if it bothers you and he refuses to do anything to change it, don't nag him about it. Don't bother. Just leave him. If his female friend is more important to him than ensuring you feel comfortable with the situation, then you deserve better. Again, entirely possible I am over-reacting since I do not know the whole story, but from what you've told us, that would be my personal feelings on the matter.

[Heart0606]

Hello friends , I'm back here to update you what happened after the incident. Two weeks later , we returned to the same place where we ate before . I forgot about the incident. Maybe .. Because I didn't notice bf's cell on the table. After dinner , we went to dessert house (Guppy) to try the shaved ice I've been craving for. To my surprise , "he showed me a missed call" from the same girl that caused all this trouble. It seemed she hasn't stopped. Phone didn't ring nor vibrate . I didn't have a reason to ask who it was as there's no cell on sight However he managed to pull his cell to show me the girl was calling and he didn't answer . Contrary to the first incident where he knew who called and intentionally pushed the cell to ignore , but was smart Alec to respond to me it's for his own privacy ; this time he voluntarily showed she called while we were eating without me asking or noticing someone was calling. What do you think ?

[basilandthyme]

Did you ask him why he told you? Hon, you've got to learn to communicate

[TheEvilJester]

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being cynical, but that almost makes me feel like he is going out of his way to show "See! See! I'm not being secretive about it anymore." How exactly did he play it off? In other words, what did he say? Or did he just wordlessly shove the phone at you? LOL!

If he sincerely has told this girl to knock it off and she has not, then fair enough.... there isn't much he can do beyond changing his phone number if she won't quit. However, unless I miss my guess, that was never really exactly the point. If he's truly doing nothing with this gal, and nothing to encourage her hounding him so much, then he should have nothing to worry about. The fact that he blatantly hid it is what makes it seem like it is something to hide in the first place.

Now, though I doubt the sincerity based on the way you described this, it sounds like maybe he is making an effort to learn from this. So, if you felt his efforts were actually sincere, I suppose you give him the chance to continue to prove that, or otherwise wind up proving not so trustworthy after all. I would still recommend a cautious eye, though. "Cautious optimism."

[Heart0606]

Hi! He wordlessly shove the phone with a smile like saying Seeee! She kept calling still .

[SueNami]

Then break up with him and if you don't want to do that then shut up about it because your mis-trust is irritating and off-putting to be honest.

You immediately put him on the defensive on how you handled all of that as disclosed in YOUR own words. If you think he wants to be with her rather then with you or if you think he puts her above you then let him have her because there is NO point in being with a man that does not consider you his first priority.

Anything other then you coming back into your thread and telling us you have left him is your own bullshit, insecurity, shrewdness, attempts at control and immaturity.

Chew on that for a bit before you respond emotionally to the bluntness of what you've just been told otherwise you'll just be giving us yet another example of your inability to be calm and mature when not getting your own way or hearing what you want to hear.

I'm going to dare to disagree with wakeup. Lol

BUT I will say this...tone and attitude have alot to do with this situation. As does respect.

I'm dating a guy and he will often not answer his phone infront of me. In all honesty I wouldn't ask who it is because I don't think I could pull it off not sounding cynical. That said he and I both have trust issues. I am more open because I want to put him at ease and he is more closed because he wants me kept at ease. Lol. We handle it entirely different.

But I dont see anything wrong in general with asking who it is. Just because you're nosey doesn't mean you're controlling. But being respectful goes both ways.

In this scenario someone adressing the situation with one word 'privacy' would have gotten my panties ruffled...and NOT in a good way. I dont see why its unacceptable to expect a man to communicate.

I told my guy that I get a little paranoid when he gets alot of calls, not just of another girl, but that he's ditching his friends or not taking calls from work... its not all crazy jealous paranoia. He simply said to me that he has no desire for any other woman and the reason he ignores everyone is because he values our time together.

Its just about communication and respect.

Now could that just be a bs line??? Lol I suppose it could ..but if I thought that then I really shouldn't be with him.

Sometimes our radar gets pinged and its not nearly as bad as you thought. Yours was pinged cause some girl called your man...but guess what...he's not answering. He cant control her.

[TheEvilJester]

Hi! He wordlessly shove the phone with a smile like saying Seeee! She kept calling still .

...Riiiiight. Did he also grunt and then swing his club about to show you he is strong and a viable provider?

LOL! Okay, so I am definitely being a bit cynical this time. Still, that was not really a silently show you the phone sort of situation. I take it his intention was to demonstrate that she is STILL calling him, but he's not answering it or hiding it from you. However, by just wordlessly shoving the phone at you, you could have just as easily interpreted it as a slap in the face like he was saying "See, she's STILL calling me, and I don't care that it bothers you." Almost like he was shoving it in your face. Again.... I don't think that was his intention, but that sounds like a pretty bone-headed way to go about it if you ask me. Poise and style are obviously not strong suits for this young lad.

I actually find myself agreeing with both Wakeup and SueNami here. (Awesome name, by the way.) I do agree with Wakeup in that if his actions are making you feel as though he values some other girl more than you, then that is certainly a perfect excuse for ditching him and finding a real man. All the same, there shouldn't be anything wrong with you asking your boyfriend who is calling him. As long as it doesn't get to obsessive levels where you are constantly hovering over him with an accusatory "WHO WAS THAT?!" I don't see what is wrong with that. Heck, if I had a girlfriend and somebody called her, I may ask just out of pure curiosity, thinking it would be just as likely to just be one of her friends. I wouldn't be asking because I was thinking "IS SHE TALKING TO SOME OTHER GUY?!?!?!" I'd be asking because I would be generally interested in my girlfriend and her life.