Going to prison will affect relationship. Need advice.

[yourself]

First, let me give some background information. I am 25 years old. My girlfriend is 32 years old. We have been together for three years now. We love eachother very much. We have no children together.

I have gotten into some legal trouble. I estimate the whole affair will be done with within about a year and a half. In the worst case scenario it seems that I will sentenced to 7-8 years (with good behavior, I may be able to get out after serving half the time).

I am struggling with what is going to happen to my relationship if I do get sentenced to this amount of time. I feel like it would be extremely selfish to ask or expect her to wait for me. I love her very much and want her to be happy. I imagine the stress of trying to wait for me would cause her great unhappiness. This is very unfair to her as she is totally innocent in this whole story. She is 32 now, and if I get sentenced within a year and a half, she will be almost 34. If with good behavior I get out after 4 years, she will be 38 when I get out. How can I expect her to wait this long to have a child? She will be nearing the age where it would be unwise to have a child. It's not like as soon as I get out I will be in the financial position to have a child with her. That would take at least a couple of years. By this time she will be over 40. How can I ask her to wait so long to have a child? It would, once again, be extremely selfish. I want her to be happy
I can't help but feel like I am robbing her of her years.

I don't know what to do. Or maybe I do but it is hard to bring myself to do it. Do I break up with her just before sentencing? Doing so would waste the next year and a half if the break up is inevitable. It seems better to do it as soon as possible to give her more time to get over me and come to terms with the situation.

Any advice?

[basilandthyme]

Yourself, have you realised that you're trying to make these decisions for her? You're not her father and it's not your place to decide what's best for her. She's a grown woman and if she's got half a brain, she can make a decision which suits herself.

She will decide (either now or in the future) what choice she needs to make for herself. A lot of her decision will probably also ride on her own attitudes to the crime you committed.

[Wakeup]

You're going on the premise that she will actually want to stay with you and wait for you. Has she actually told you that she is willing to do that?

If she has then she's not realizing how long 8 years (or even 4) is and if you're not married then you have no rights to conjugal visits. Do you really think that she'll be able to be celibate for that long? I say don't even bother testing out the theory and just let her go. That way you'll not be wondering wtf she's up to and you can serve your time without THAT angst inducing situation on your mind. Do it for YOU not for her although she will certainly benefit from the decision.

[Mattiemae]

It's a sad thing of course to be in this situation. I don't say this to be judgmental. I say this because I had a friend murdered. During this time I seen two families be torn a part by a bad choice. In one instant one person was robbed of life and another sent to prison for life without parole. Both women in children in this situation suffer the most. Both praying to God for justice and don't understand why they're in this situation.

I don't know what you've done, but I think it's a little bit late now to think about your relationship. In reality your choice when you committed the crime had a cause and effect on your future with this woman. The best thing you can do now if you go to prison is allow her to make her own choice. If she decides to go on with her life without you, then allow her that freedom to find happiness.

While it's noble for her to wait around for you, it's very difficult, lonely, and painful. And what kind of honesty and trust will there be. Most likely there will be a time when she meets someone else while she's waiting, and then you will be hurt and angry. As relationships are painful when they end. Why prolong it. Why expect her to wait for you. Do what's best for both of you. And sure, it might be lonely for you, but what about all the emotions and feelings you will experience while you're in jail. There is no point in beating yourself up. The best thing is forgiving yourself and letting go. If it is meant to be, it will be at a later time. You're talking about seven- eight year span and a lot of changes happen in that amount of time.