Need some advice

[Jeannieh1015]

Need some advice i have been with my husband for 9 years we have a 4 year old and im currently 2 weeks away from my due date with our second daughter. I found a private message he had with another girl on fb about a photo she posted of her with a new tattoo. He told her he liked the tattoo but what got to me was another thing he said " beside the tattoo you look really good in the pic :/ " when i saw that my heart dropped to the floor. I thought this comment was completely inappropriate. Thoughts like that i feel should stay in your head and not be expressed because you might be instagating something further with this other women. Am i over thinking this situation?

[basilandthyme]

Jeannie, I think it would be classified as borderline inappropriate. It would make me raise an eyebrow but not get upset. Your hormones are probably doing dreadful things to your body and reactions right now - just hang in there. xxx

[eve.ashley]

i don't think you are overreacting no. that was inappropriate and flirting.

[Wakeup]

I would consider that inappropriate.... particularly if she was just some random that you yourself don't know and who he is offering unsolicited flirting/compliments to.

Does he know her?
Do you know her?
Did you ask him why he is scouting out other women to engage in such things with?

[Jeannieh1015]

I would consider that inappropriate.... particularly if she was just some random that you yourself don't know and who he is offering unsolicited flirting/compliments to.

Does he know her?
Do you know her?
Did you ask him why he is scouting out other women to engage in such things with?

He does know her however i do not he says it was an innocent compliment and he said it in a private message because he knew it would upset me

[Wakeup]

Begs the question: If he knew it would upset you, then why would he bloody do it? This is not something that he HAD to do, it's not affiliated with his income or his livelihood so why is he compelled to send such shit to other women? Something you should be asking him.

How are you accessing his "private" messages? Why are you? Has he been acting shady in general which has caused you to not trust him?

[Jeannieh1015]

Begs the question: If he knew it would upset you, then why would he bloody do it? This is not something that he HAD to do, it's not affiliated with his income or his livelihood so why is he compelled to send such shit to other women? Something you should be asking him.

How are you accessing his "private" messages? Why are you? Has he been acting shady in general which has caused you to not trust him?

Yes he was acting shady i tried dpeaking to him about it and he kept telling me its just my hormones getting to me. I have had insecurity issues because of passed relationships for the whole 9 years up until now i have never caught him doing anything out of line he mentioned that i have pushed him away with my insecurities so i feel responsible for his actions in a way

[Wakeup]

You're hormones will cause you to exacerbate a situation but they won't cause the situation.

Your husband is being inappropriate and doing what he is doing when he knows that you are insecure to begin with is cruel (if nothing else).

Work on your confidence and self esteem either with self-help books or through therapy and talk to him about how he can help you to become less insecure. Currently he is exacerbating your insecurity with his actions.

[Jeannieh1015]

You're hormones will cause you to exacerbate a situation but they won't cause the situation.

Your husband is being inappropriate and doing what he is doing when he knows that you are insecure to begin with is cruel (if nothing else).

Work on your confidence and self esteem either with self-help books or through therapy and talk to him about how he can help you to become less insecure. Currently he is exacerbating your insecurity with his actions.

Your right about my confidence soon enough once i have the baby i will be working on that thabk you very much for your advice

[basilandthyme]

He does know her however i do not he says it was an innocent compliment and he said it in a private message because he knew it would upset me

OK, this extra information changes my mind. I thought it was just a throw away compliment on an open forum.

[Jeannieh1015]

I guess im wondering if at this point should i attempt to fix this relationship or walk away is this repairable?

[Wakeup]

I'm wondering why you would think that your relationship needs to end when you're expecting over something as banal as this. His actions (IMO) have been inappropriate and they make one wonder why he needs to say those types of things to other women but to not even try to fix this, by educating him in what is and isn't appropriate for him to be doing/saying to other women... well that seems rather rash. Are there other issues in the relationship that you've not disclosed?

Tell him what you want and why you want it and then see how he responds. Tell him that his actions are disrespectful to you and they threaten the emotional bond you and he have together. Tell him you'd like him to refrain from having these types of conversations with other woman and that if he's THAT friendly with this girl then perhaps you should meet her so that she can be your PLATONIC friend as well. Do not let him dismiss you or this situation by telling you it's your hormones. If he brings that up then you tell him that your hormones may be giving you the strength to not allow the disrespect but they are certainly not causing you to be upset over inappropriate interaction with other women. See how he handles that.

Then you ask him what you can do to help him feel that he could say things like that to you instead of other women. Listen and then do your best to accommodate.

[Jeannieh1015]

I'm wondering why you would think that your relationship needs to end when you're expecting over something as banal as this. His actions (IMO) have been inappropriate and they make one wonder why he needs to say those types of things to other women but to not even try to fix this, by educating him in what is and isn't appropriate for him to be doing/saying to other women... well that seems rather rash. Are there other issues in the relationship that you've not disclosed?

Tell him what you want and why you want it and then see how he responds. Tell him that his actions are disrespectful to you and they threaten the emotional bond you and he have together. Tell him you'd like him to refrain from having these types of conversations with other woman and that if he's THAT friendly with this girl then perhaps you should meet her so that she can be your PLATONIC friend as well. Do not let him dismiss you or this situation by telling you it's your hormones. If he brings that up then you tell him that your hormones may be giving you the strength to not allow the disrespect but they are certainly not causing you to be upset over inappropriate interaction with other women. See how he handles that.

Then you ask him what you can do to help him feel that he could say things like that to you instead of other women. Listen and then do your best to accommodate.

I guess there is a part of me that feels i have pushed him away with insecurities in the passed and there might not be any coming back from that if he is at the point that he is where he feels he needs attention from other women. Right now my main focus is the baby im expecting any minute now. Im trying to focus on that but once the baby is here and everything with that has calmed down i do want to address this with him again and see where we go from there. He at this point added to my insecurities and now im not confidant i can over look it or forget it happen. I dont know how and i feel hurt right now and dont know how to make that hurt go away.

[Wakeup]

I gave you advise on how to make the hurt go away, Jean.

You just need to have the strength to take back your personal power to speak to him about this in a calm and matter of fact matter. If after that he doesn't see how what he is doing is causing you to be anxious about your bond as husband/wife then WT Hell? You were asking if you should end the relationship anyway so don't be afraid to try and fix it first.

If you are overly-jealous and insecure in general then you tell him that you are willing to work on that with a professional but its unfair of him to be going out of his way to make you even more so with this type of interaction with other chicks.

Whether you do it now or after the baby is born (personally I wouldn't wait because I wouldn't need that playing on my general well being) the conversation needs to take place, right?

[Jeannieh1015]

I gave you advise on how to make the hurt go away, Jean.

You just need to have the strength to take back your personal power to speak to him about this in a calm and matter of fact matter. If after that he doesn't see how what he is doing is causing you to be anxious about your bond as husband/wife then WT Hell? You were asking if you should end the relationship anyway so don't be afraid to try and fix it first.

If you are overly-jealous and insecure in general then you tell him that you are willing to work on that with a professional but its unfair of him to be going out of his way to make you even more so with this type of interaction with other chicks.

Whether you do it now or after the baby is born (personally I wouldn't wait because I wouldn't need that playing on my general well being) the conversation needs to take place, right?

The conversation does and will take place but I just feel more comfortable speaking about it once the stress of the baby is put aside just to make sure no hormones get in the way.