This rough patch lasting too long and going unresolved

[Loverbee]

Hello,

I am genuinely hoping I can receive help on this issue:

I am 22 and have a boyfriend of 8 months who is 33. For the first 5 months everything was simply amazing. My girlfriends were all so jealous of my relationship. He was OBSESSED with me (in a healthy way not a controlling way) and always super concerned about my happiness and just so smitten with me. I definitely loved him back but the dynamic of our relationship was more of him putting in all the effort action-wise if that makes any sense. For example: he would always bring me flowers, bring me food even when I didn't ask, buy me things (not in a sugar daddy way. He isn't that wealthy. Just small things to keep me happy and show appreciation), he would always initiate sex (A LOT OF IT & ALL THE TIME), constantly compliment me, and go out of his way to make good impressions on my family and friends. He would tell me he wants to marry me and paint pictures of our future together. He also owns a bar. He is at his bar every day usually for 14 hours. A big part of our relationship was spending time at his bar. I know it's his place of work but he basically lives there and he wanted me there all the time too. His bar became like my second home. This might sound stupid, but I felt like the queen of the castle at his bar. Everyone knew I was the owners girlfriend and it was a good feeling to have that respect and recognition from the customers and even employees. But the best feeling was getting to spend all this time with my boyfriend who I really love and admire. I felt so fortunate that he had a job in which I was able to spend time with him at instead of an office job that I wouldn't be allowed to go to. I even started training for a bar tending position there and ignored advice from others about mixing business with pleasure. I spent so much time there with him and every night after he closed up we would go sleep at either of our houses and have a lot of sex, wake up the next day and eat breakfast and then go open the bar back up together. It was like a routine. If he didn't have to be at work one day we would go out on the town, go home, have sex, wake up, breakfast. Basically we never got enough of eachother.

Well, things took a drastic turn and haven't gotten back on track for 3 months now. Long story short we got in a fight. I don't even remember what the fight was about because I was drunk. But it was a public fight in front of his friends and it hurt and embarrassed him. My problem is that normally people resolve their issues after fights and move on after apologies and talking about it. Our relationship is complete nothingness now. He turned cold and distanced himself putting a wall up after our fight. We talked, I apologized, but things still aren't "okay" after 3 months. He banned me from the bar and bus reasoning was that things are not going well between us so it's awkward to have me there. He also doesn't spend the night nor invite me to spend the night and says he will eventually but he's not ready because of how things are going. Also (this is a big one) we haven't had sex in 2 months!! I even got rejected by him after I undressed all my clothes and tried to initiate sex. He says we will have sex eventually when things are better.

So now I never see him. Maybe once or twice a week for a couple hours each time. I have done everything I can to make things better. I've stopped binge drinking and even have started going to therapy to deal with my anxiety issues. I have been super nice to him. I try not to contact him too much to show him that I'm not needy. But it's hard still because he just keeps saying that things aren't okay with us. But he's doing nothing to make them okay. He's told me he really wants things to work out between us but then he still never talks to me or tries to spend much time with me anymore. I have given him the space he asked for but still for 3 months after the fight we have not been intimate or even communicated much or spent much time together at all. I wish that things could just go back to how they are. Things don't HAVE to be awkward forever. I want to get over this hurdle. But part of me feels that he is set in this new way of how we are now. He is getting used to not seeing me a lot and I think he is very much okay with that I feel. We are going nowhere in this relationship. The two times I see him every week we usually are just going out to dinner and we talk about the details of our day (surface stuff). The days I don't see him their is usually one phone call where we check in and talk about the details of our day again. If I ever try to talk about anything deeper like the state of our relationship he gets upset and doesn't want to talk about such a thing. We do not fight now days we just have pleasant little daily conversations going nowhere. But still, after 3 months, no sex, banned from bar, no sleep overs, nothing meaningful. And he keeps saying that things just aren't okay with us YET but they will be EVENTUALLY and everything will go back to how they were. But I'm sick and tied of waiting for eventually. This is not normal. I consider ending it but I am still hopeful that "eventually" will magically show up one day. I do not know what to do. This is all because of one fight forever ago. This is not normal or okay.

[eve.ashley]

there was nothing healthy about your relationship, ever.

first of all, i am not a therapist, but if we were in a game show and the game was "guess that personalty disorder", i would say your bf is borderline...

but back to facts...

first you had spent WAY, way too much time together...

there is nothing wrong with spending time at your bfs bar, but to spend every waking hour together, that is simply not healthy.

that would drive even better people than your bf nuts...

i am very monogamous, but that would drive me nuts...

then you guys had a fight, fights happen. should people fight in front of others, if possible no, does it happen, yes...

your bf is clearly values his ego and pride more than you and your feelings...

further more, he is punishing you and torturing you...

both of behaviors are deal breakers, especially the way he treats you after the fight.

he banned you from his bar. what the fuk?

look, it was super unhealthy the way you both saw nothing wrong in spending every living hour together, but this sadistic punishment mode he gets into when his pride is hurt....

that should send you running for the hills, as they say...

he is not kind, mature or well, for that matter...

now, you seem like a decent human being, and i admire you for going into therapy, that can only help...

cut this loser off and make room for a decent man in your life...

any half decent human being either breaks up, or gets past a fight.
nobody bans their SO from half of their life, and keeps them in the doghouse for 3 months. is he kidding me?

leave him...very toxic man...

[Wakeup]

But it's hard still because he just keeps saying that things aren't okay with us. But he's doing nothing to make them okay

Then stop waiting for "eventually" and YOU END IT after you've told him that you're not happy with the way he is anymore and you wished him well and to please not contact you again. Goodbye!

Yes... Say goodbye and stop stagnating yourself in his emotionally abusive hell. Have some pride and enough confidence to know that you don't let someone continue to punish you for something that you know was wrong and where you've done things to show you will not do them again. To stay when they cannot let go of their own bruised pride and continue to treat you indifferently is abusing yourself while he abuses you too.