Very confused in regards to his feelings for me and lack of sexual libido

[junko]

This is kind of a combination of love advice and intimate advice but more the latter so I have put it in this area.

I've been good friends with a guy I know for almost two years now. We met through a dating site and initially dated (we came close to having sex but he was too nervous and could not keep an erection). I finished it (not because of that incident) but we remained friends and went snowboarding together. Then last year he admitted he still had feelings for me and I did for him but as I was emigrating to another country. I didn't see any point in starting something. We have emailed in contact, skyped and messaged nearly every day talking as friends and saying how much we missed each other. We also did some sexting and sent pictures to each other

Anyway he came out to visit me last week and we went snowboarding and cycling etc and all the stuff friends do. However, when it came down to the intimate side, it didn't work out again. He couldn't stay hard and he ended up getting off more on him masturabating and watching me. He did admit it had been a long time since he had sex before this and he also said he did not like using condoms (this is usually a red flag in my books with most men but I sure as hell didn't expect him to say this as he is not one for sleeping around).

Needless to say 'sex' happened around 3 times and I had to instigate it each time. I also asked him to go down on me at one point and he's aid 'he didn't want to give away all his tricks at once' - no guy has ever refused to do this in the past regardless of nerves.

Another weird thing that happened was we were in a shop and the sales assistant started to chat to us. She asked us if we were together and then there was a silence. He then said that he didn't know but would leave that up to me (looking at me) it was awkward to say the least but I suppose neither of us wanted to answer it.

I never brought the subject up with him but it has been on my mind a lot. Since he has returned we have kept in contact and spoken a few times via Facebook and Messenger.

I realize due to distance that nothing would happen between us for it to be serious and official but I. Confused as to why he didn't want to be more intimate with me.

[basilandthyme]

Sweetie, if nothing could happen between you, why worry about what was going on with his libido? Just write him off as being crap and bed and move on.

[woody]

Three possible scenario's come to mind. They are just what came to mind so don't take them to heart. okay, here we go.

1. your new to him, he was nervous and many men (and women) take time and some mileage together in bed before comfort and solid erections last through the marathon.

2. He's a metro sexual bi or gay man who wished to experiment, really likes you allot but for innate reasons, your just not the gender that turns his crank..

3. What B&T said. He's just not that great in bed, yet.

[basilandthyme]

[junko]

Sweetie, if nothing could happen between you, why worry about what was going on with his libido? Just write him off as being crap and bed and move on.

It's not that simple. I still like him and he his a good person.

Believe me I would love to find someone near to me but unfortunately as it turns out men from vancouver, Canada are just complete knobs!

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Three possible scenario's come to mind. They are just what came to mind so don't take them to heart. okay, here we go.

1. your new to him, he was nervous and many men (and women) take time and some mileage together in bed before comfort and solid erections last through the marathon.

2. He's a metro sexual bi or gay man who wished to experiment, really likes you allot but for innate reasons, your just not the gender that turns his crank..

3. What B&T said. He's just not that great in bed, yet.

I think I would go for the first one. He is most definitely not gay/bi. He is a very traditional old fashioned bloke (very difficult to find this day and age).

[Wakeup]

men from vancouver, Canada are just complete knobs!

What a stupid thing to say.

Makes me wonder how old you are.

Anyway... what is the point of keeping things going with a guy that can't keep it up, doesn't want to admit that you are a couple, makes excuses to not give you face, lives too far away to nurture anything to fruitation and only gets aroused when he's jerking off while watching you jerk off as well. Are you addicted to doing that so you continue to waste your good dating years on him?

There are good men where you are. You just can't see that they are because you are too busy wasting your emotional response to your jerk-off partner instead of being free in mind and heart to view any guy as not being a "complete knob."

[junko]

I've dated many guys (all Canadian and from British columbia) whilst I have been in Canada. They are flakey, bad at communication and are generally just looking for a 'quickie' I am not impressed so yes I feel I can make that assumption that they are 'knobs' vancouver has a problem with its dating scene anyway - many articles on it - Google it to see!

I feel you response was negative, unhelpful and your more concerned with me slating the immature men that I have unfortunately dated. You never even mentioned the fact that he came all the way out here to see me (a man that doesn't care would not do that)

I am 30 years old and I really don't feel there are any good men out here. He is one of the better ones, despite everything in bed.

Choice between finding one of the assholes out here and sticking with him, I'd rather go back to the UK and try that then stay out here and be disappointed with all the idiots here!

I had a lot of male friends in the UK and yet trying to have a friendship (non-sexual) with men out here has not happened. All they want is sex, sex, sex!

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Thank you to everyone ELSE that posted. I'm sorry but I'm going against the advice here. Even though we are in different countries I will remain friends with him and if it is meant to be then it will be meant to be. Bedroom stuff can be changed and I do believe it was just nerves and maybe some awkwardness.

I'm not going to make an effort out here (waste of time) but maybe if I don't do anything I will something will happen. Who knows there might be a nice guy here but it's doubtful ( so many emotional feckless idiots in the city) so I'll focus on my career and friends.

Piece of advice for anyway in vancouver: don't bother with tinder or any online dating site - you will be soooo disappointed with what you end up with. In the UK I had much better luck on dating sites and even kept a friendship going with a lot of the guys.

[woody]

Hey Junko,
Though there may be many "knobs" about both female and male (and all over this fabulous Globe), it is never truly wise to place all (from any one particular location) in the same boat .
You know it, I know it and that is that.

Good luck with your potential sweetheart. See how it goes, that's all you can do really.
cheerio

[junko]

Thank you

[Wakeup]

(a man that doesn't care would not do that)

Your naivety is palatable and sad.

My response is negative because your situation is much less then a positive one but you go ahead and keep wasting your emotions on someone like this guy (you tell us ALL negatives about him in your opening post) and jerking off on cam with him instead of doing things to meet decent men where you live and are close enough to nurture something real with. Get off the computer and live an active lifestyle that will put you in the company of men that are good.

You're 30... you're not 16. If you were a woman who valued herself you'd know not to waste another minute on this guy that isn't showing you AT ALL that he values you for more then your on cam sexual stimulation. There certainly are more things you can do but to see where it goes. Seeing where it goes with someone that has already shown you all those negatives you mention in post No.1 is you not looking out for yourself and what is best for you.

[SDelight]

Hi there, I am seeing where the confusing can be when dealing with a guy when you're not with them. Takes time for them to really dig in and see where it is going and leading. Since he is taking effort to come travel to see you and keeps contact via skype/texting that is a good sign. Takes only mature guys to be honest to be making so much effort. For his libido, maybe he should consider seeing a doctor for that if its been a problem for him with other people too? Or maybe change it up in the bed scenario and make it more spicy. I think this is the time, when you guys video chat next to talk to him about where it is going and what he wants out of it. I am not against long distance. It can work if both are committed and it seems to me that he can work if he wants to make it work. By the way, I totally agree, dating men in Canada is difficult! Not all are bad but its really really hard to get a person in a serious way.

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Its very easy for you to bash some one without realizing how a person is in person. We don't know how her situation is in real life so for you to judge that she lives with her computer 24/7 is a bit harsh don't you think. Its easy to say, cut it off completely but it takes time for some. Kudos to you if you're able to cut and chop people off...everyone isn't the same. She should prioritize herself I agree, but we have no right to judge that person's lifestyle.

[Wakeup]

Its very easy for you to bash some one without realizing how a person is in person. We don't know how her situation is in real life so for you to judge that she lives with her computer 24/7 is a bit harsh don't you think. Its easy to say, cut it off completely but it takes time for some. Kudos to you if you're able to cut and chop people off...everyone isn't the same. She should prioritize herself I agree, but we have no right to judge that person's lifestyle.

No... I don't think. If I did I wouldn't have said it.

I have every "right" to give my opinion when it is asked for. If it's not what you or the Op (who is the one asking) want to hear or disagree with then that's fine too... but don't tell me how to respond to a direct request for advise because I tell the way I see it. I will never tell an oposter what they want to hear if what they want to hear is not the best that they could have. (as you have done) She's been on the computer with this boner-less twit for two years now. Surely that translates to her spending too much good dating years on her computer wasting it with someone that hasn't shown her that he loves her or that he can even satisfy her much sexually. She herself has told us these less then stellar facts about him and this "thing" she calls a relationship with him.

I'll tell you too, "Sdelight" that if you're having a hard time finding a good man out of an entire city where you live then it's you that is doing something wrong... certainly not all the men in one country are to blame.

[woody]

Ladies. ladies. There is something wrong with all of us; every single one of us. That's what makes us so flippin interesting. Otherwise we'd be a bunch of dally wagged drones boring as all get.

Myself, I am a self proclaimed hermit/bitch when I need to be, near loser states, often glued to this ffing screen waaay too often (as, hmmhm, many here are, let's admit it shall we?)
My thighs are getting wider by the minute, I have a temper and I'm a closet midnight toker and I talk to my plants. I was way too odd for any man to handle (thank goodness), any man that is except my one true love who it took years to meet. Being me was a great screening device for the ones who'd never make it, (with me)

My point? I don't have one really. But let us be nice to one another shall we? Us women are far too hard on one another. Let's lighten up shall we please?
Imagine the good we could do if we stopped being so ''bickerish, winny ninny' towards each other. By golly we don 't even know each other and we'll rip someone apart. Profound and mucked up.

Lets cut us some slack shall we? We are, after all, living Goddesses on the magical Sphere, every single messed up one of us. Rejoice the cosmic sisterhood, bring it back in. I think we'd all be surprised at how many of us women out there need women to lean on, to understand and be understood by.

tally ho,
peas,
woodinator

[junko]

Where the hell did you get the information that I have been on my computer chatting to him for two years?

I have only been in Canada for 7 months before this I was in the UK and spent a lot of time with him as friends ( have been friends for two years now)

He came out to visit last week - re read my post!

Oh and wake up - the fact he came out to visit after being friends for 2 years is a good sign. We have not been online buddies for two years we have actually been Face to face friends from the same town in the UK.

Maybe re-read my post properly next time

Also at what point did I say I was 'jerking off on cam with him' - I said sexting and sending pictures and this has happened 3 times within the last 2 years - it's not a nightly/weekly thing!

Get the facts straight first!

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I'll tell you too, "Sdelight" that if you're having a hard time finding a good man out of an entire city where you live then it's you that is doing something wrong...

Have you tried dating in vancouver, personally?

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I

Since he is taking effort to come travel to see you and keeps contact via skype/texting that is a good sign. Takes only mature guys to be honest to be making so much effort.

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I totally agree, thank you for those positive words

[woody]

Junk o,

To whom are you talking to? Regardless of whom,
If you cannot be nice, please ____ off.. This is a place where posters can post whatever they like, their opinions; and just because their opinion may not match your own, gives you no reason, no just reason that is to behave poorly...

(and if you were referring to me in your first line after my last post, I suggest You re read my post as I was not referring to you 'English'.

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STOP BEING BITCHES