Worst mistake of my life - how to get him back.

[gia123]

Hie all!! Okay,so before I proceed,I want all to know that I am extremely ashamed of what I have done to my love and this is really not the kind of person I am so please dont judge me,name bash me.This is long so i'd try to cut this as short as i can.

I am 23 and he's 24. We met online on fb and we clicked.I had to create a mock account(with a fake name) for the purpose of a psych class.My intention was to deactivate it at the end of the term but I met my guy there.We liked talking to each other. and then got in a relationship 1 month later.The problem is,prior to getting in a rltnshp,he had asked me for my photo.I was still unsure of him being good so i ended up sending a photo of someone1 else i distantly knew.I knew i committed a big sin there.I should have told him thats not my real name and that isnt my photo but honestly at that point,I thought that it wouldnt be a big deal since we'll be through with each other(the talks) in just a month or two.But I had no idea we would develop such a strong bond.We fell in love after few months and it got stronger. We are a long distant couple but our relationship has been surreal. The lie started pricking me then because of our bond.I wanted to tell him the truth earlier itself but the fear of him leaving held me back. We loved each other a lot.Didn't want to lose him. When he'd ask me for photos,I had no option but to send him that photo girl's photo each time. We'd be completing a yr together 4 days later.The lie started pricking me very badly as each day passed.I knew what i had done was a sin and I was afraid of him leaving. We saw each other as future potentials,and i knew it can't remain this way and it's very wrong.

I told him the truth 4 nights ago.Showed him my actual account where I have my real name and photos.He was no brainer highly shocked,dejected,shattered and felt betrayed. We had our fights,arguments. I really didnt have my web cam functioning the entire yr but i got a new one that night so he asked me to skype. We saw each other for the 1st time after a year.His anger calmed down and he said i look pretty and sweet and said that but that girl scored more in looks(she is sexy too).We joked,laughed,flirted the usual way we always did. The comfort level was so high that didnt feel like we were skyping for the 1st time that night.He said that despite what i did,his inner self still loves me. After skype,he sort of reverted back to his dejected angry mode.Let's say the fake name as been Tiera and my actual name is Allysa. He said he's still in love with Tiera but i tried to explain him that Tiera and Allysa both are the same and that's me. He said he loves both the person(me) and the persona(photo girl). He said he can never forget her face and body. I know we were deeply in love and he would visualize that girl hundred times a day as he thought it was me(even masturbated visualizing her body while we made love online). He said he feels entangled because he doesn't want to lose me because of the bond we shared since he loves the human being I am and at the same time he can't get over that girl's face and body,the memories of him visualizing her in every way,and the realization that there was such a big identity crisis. He said that he doesnt want to break up and lose me. I asked him if he wanted space and i'd be willing to but he said he doesn't.

I told him that he has to make a choice if he wants me or wants to end things completely. He said that I am still irreplaceable and said that since we still have the respect,care and liking for each other we should nurture it and discover if we can feel the same again and see if we can rebuild what we had. He said it would take him time and doesn't know how long. He said it would take time to gain normalcy and the intimacy(flirting,sexual talks) and affection would be dead.I know i am responsible for breaking such a beautiful thing but I am ashamed of what i did and i am regretting harder than what i thought. He knows this has hurt me more than him. We havent stopped talking even for a day and he still expresses his care.We start normal by asking each others day and plans like we used to and then we end up fighting arguing about it again. He hasnt uttered my actual name even once so far or said an i love you after the mishap. At times,he'll just say that he loves the human being.

We decided to talk normal like before,focus on rebuilding us again and not talk about the mishap again since talking about it wouldnt let us move on.We decided to practice this from today.He has been insensitive and emotionally detached and that's understandable. He has an important exam in May 1st week so he said that he'd remain unavailable most of the time and that shouldnt be assumed that he's angry or uninterested. I have a fear that he'll have a very tough time moving on from that girl and be willing to accept me wholely but deep down i still believe we'd gain back what we lost because of what we shared.We fell in love with the human being first and then the physical attributes,although,men are visual creatures so its understandable though hurtful when he says he will never forget her face and body and he's a guy with a fantastic memory.
I just want some suggestion as to what I can do from my side to get back "us".To rebuild the surreal relationship that i messed up. No rude comments please. Sorry about the long read.Thank you

PS - would especially love views from a Cancerian male because that's what he is. I wouldn't believe in this astrology thing too much but now I do since that has helped me to get to know him better.

[GemaaaSpirit]

Well you surely have to work hard to change his perception.. it's normal anyway.. humands do fall in love with faces, apart of hearts... imagine yourself.

I'd just suggest be yourself! just that.. but be comprehensive good luck

[gia123]

Well you surely have to work hard to change his perception.. it's normal anyway.. humands do fall in love with faces, apart of hearts... imagine yourself.

I'd just suggest be yourself! just that.. but be comprehensive good luck

yea i agree with what you said and i do empathize with his situation. It's not at all going to be easy. I want to be myself. But can't understand how to behave really. I want to be the person i was with him until this episode. Be affectionate ,caring,chirpy,funny.Though i doubt if being seductive now is the correct time lol. But what do you exactly mean by be comprehensive here?
ii am confused how to behave if he remains closed and reserved.So far we have been open with our talks on phone and chat just as before because we have a really good communication compatibility and we understand each other well but what if he suddenly closes down? He's VERY moody.He has been insensitive and emotionally detached after the episode and he admits it. He said it should change with time. I told him i love you and that i dont hesitate saying it even if he doesnt feel the same way anymore. He either just smiles or says "there's a reason why i am still with you" or "i love the inner person". I dont know what to do.Should i allow us to discuss how we should repair "us" or just act on it without discussing? we have been discussing it and although he does state the reality and it also helps me uncover whats running inside his head,it feels like its leading to differences and not leading anywhere without making any progress.

[GemaaaSpirit]

yea i agree with what you said and i do empathize with his situation. It's not at all going to be easy. I want to be myself. But can't understand how to behave really. I want to be the person i was with him until this episode. Be affectionate ,caring,chirpy,funny.Though i doubt if being seductive now is the correct time lol. But what do you exactly mean by be comprehensive here?
ii am confused how to behave if he remains closed and reserved.So far we have been open with our talks on phone and chat just as before because we have a really good communication compatibility and we understand each other well but what if he suddenly closes down? He's VERY moody.He has been insensitive and emotionally detached after the episode and he admits it. He said it should change with time. I told him i love you and that i dont hesitate saying it even if he doesnt feel the same way anymore. He either just smiles or says "there's a reason why i am still with you" or "i love the inner person". I dont know what to do.Should i allow us to discuss how we should repair "us" or just act on it without discussing? we have been discussing it and although he does state the reality and it also helps me uncover whats running inside his head,it feels like its leading to differences and not leading anywhere without making any progress.

Hope you are doing good with it.. something that cicked while reading your message is, never try to go over and over again over something (lol)..

leaving it be, sometimes, in relationships, is the key to long term success..

I believe he will quickly develop the same feelings for you.. once his n-gramed image of you is changed... which takes no more than a week usually.

[Wakeup]

.I had to create a mock account(with a fake name) for the purpose of a psych class.

What was the objective of doing that in your "psych class?" What did your profs expect for you to uncover/discover/conclude?

[basilandthyme]

I wouldn't believe a person who gave me this story as to why they lied about their identity. Why? It is against FB terms of service to create a fake account. No ethical university would ask you to do such a thing.

[pcmaster]

Its pretty hard for a guy to get over these lies, especially because that fake girl was more beautiful than you. Perhaps it would be better for both of you to end this internet relationship if you arguing over it. Thing is you wasnt honest from beginning and relationship is build on lies without stable foundation. He might be bitching about it for years.

[gia123]

I know it might be tough for people to believe but all i can do is just say the truth. I was not "asked" to make a mock account.The project was to read and understand human behavior of strangers interaction on the social media. So I thought I'd do this creating a mock account since I cant use my actual account as all the people i have in there are my known ones. My intention was to delete the account in 2 months but then he happened.We all make mistakes and i agree i have made a very very big one but at least i have accepted it,apologized for it and come out clean.If i really were to be a bad person,I would have much rather not revealed anything even now and continued to enjoy us for some more time.But I chose to tell the truth even though a year later because i have loved him deeply the entire time and given our compatibility and connection,we both saw a future potential.

He said he wants to give us another chance. He said that since we still have the care,respect and liking for each other,we should nurture it and see if he can develop those same feelings for me again. He said that he still loves the person i am but that girl's face,her charm and body is still stamped in his head and heart. It's not that I don't look good.We video chatted 2 hrs after the revelation and he said that i look pretty and sweet and he heavily flirted with me asking me to kiss him,was imitating me,making me laugh,pretending to caress my cheek etc.We surprisingly behaved exactly the way we would have had there been no revelation. But yea,that girl looks better because her facial features are strong and she has a much better body than me. I am not sexy or gorgeous but I want him to love me for me. He said looks dont matter and i shouldnt be comparing myself to anybody but i understand that he's still unable to move on from her face because person and persona go side by side. We clicked first before he asked me for a photo.So when he fell in love with my inner self,he fell in love with her physical attributes because he thought that was me. I told him yesterday I'd like to continue being as before with my affection and love.I told him that I still love him even if he doesnt feel the same.He said he doesnt want to say an i love you if he doesnt fully mean it and i shouldnt be hurting myself so much. I told him it's fine and i'll wait for that day when he'd say it to me himself. Yesterday,after 6 days of this episode,while signing off,he said "You were a very precious girlfriend and you still are precious.you still are an Angel keeping the mess aside" and smiled with a kiss. I felt incredibly happy to see him get affectionate after so many days because a kiss wasnt expected given the way he was. But again,he's an extremely moody person so i didn't fly too high. He's been emotionally detached. We still chat for hours and he also initiates phone talks but I want to make him open up his heart to me again like before. I am sure that things will slowly fall back in place once he lets his heart function again. We still talk a lot but I don't want him to friendzone me because as of now,he just loves the person i am.That's all.He hasn't bothered to go through my facebook timeline or my photos more than twice. I sent him a photo yesterday and he said that i look innocent and sweet. That's all. It was a very casual non-affectionate response.Also said that i need to lose some weight.He said that i dont look fat but still(he's very skinny and lean).
He said he wants to believe me and he does but at times his suspicious self and memories comes in play and that pulls him back.
I want to create that same emotional connection and attraction we had formed before. As of now,all I have been doing is continue being the same as before with my affection. Any thoughts on our progress and if i can do anything better differently?

[Wakeup]

I see him using you for cam sex in the near future. You're not relationship material to him now but he'll take what he can get.


It's a sad, sad world where young people are confusing fantasy with real emotional feelings even when you've never even met, discovered if your pheromones mesh or have gotten to know the actual man/woman as they really are and not as they pretend to be.

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BTW: The "weight you need to lose" is this habit you have of keeping him in your life. You'd do well to go cold turkey withdrawl from this asshole, learn not to get so involved with people you've never met and start scouting for men in your area that you can actually get to know in real life and not behind the safety of your computer screen.

[gia123]

I see him using you for cam sex in the near future. You're not relationship material to him now but he'll take what he can get.

umm NO.We both are virgins(yea we are 20+) and have never been in a relationship before. We both are shy reserved type. We have always been respectful.

It's a sad, sad world where young people are confusing fantasy with real emotional feelings even when you've never even met, discovered if your pheromones mesh or have gotten to know the actual man/woman as they really are and not as they pretend to be.

yeah,same thoughts I had before getting into one. You know,it's not the 24*7 lovey dovey "ohh i love you till death" kind of relationship we had. We know the "real" human being. The inner person. We have not portrayed our best self. I know there was an identity crisis from my side but we have been us. We know how the other person is when angry,when bored,when sad,when happy and when just plain nothing. We know each others families too because they have always been around when we would talk everyday for an hr on phone. He'd tell hi to my mom and dad and his mother and sister would poke him because they know he never speaks so much to girls and never talks so much to anyone in general. We have been there for each other through highs and lows. I have been there for him supporting him when he didnt do well academically due to his job and he was there for me when my mother got operated and when I was alone in my apartment and terribly sick. True,we havent met in person and it's been a year but we have always been there for each other and have shared a bond which many "in-person offline" couples fail to have. And that's solely the reason why we still respectfully talk to each other despite of the unpleasant episode,the reason why i am wanting to have us back and the reason why he didnt straightaway kick me out of his life on previous Sunday when i revealed the truth and also the reason why he still said that he's willing to give us another chance despite what i did

[Wakeup]

You're a virgin only in the fact that you haven't had your hyman broken and the likelihood why you haven't had your hyman broken is because you're stuck behind a computer screen diddling with yourself to the image of him doing the same thing.

He'll give you another "chance" to show him your parts, yes but what else have the two of you got but a jerk-off partner that tells you that you're over-weight? Seriously girl, this guy has insulted you right from the first introduction to the person you really are. WTF are you thinking?

Get off the computer and meet him. If he won't meet you then stop logging onto this addiction you have built yourself into.

[gia123]

You're a virgin only in the fact that you haven't had your hyman broken and the likelihood why you haven't had your hyman broken is because you're stuck behind a computer screen diddling with yourself to the image of him doing the same thing.

no but because we both believe in chastity

He'll give you another "chance" to show him your parts, yes but what else have the two of you got but a jerk-off partner that tells you that you're over-weight? Seriously girl, this guy has insulted you right from the first introduction to the person you really are. WTF are you thinking?

naah,okay it might sound like that from the 3rd eye but he would say it even when he thought i am the fake girl's persona. She isnt fat but when he thought i was her and when i'd say that i am going jogging,he'd still mockingly say "yea you should.You need to burn that fat" and then poke me calling me "fat" numerous times and then laugh until he realizes i am angry and then apologize. So it's just what he says. Basically it's because he's JUST TOO THIN and lean. I have commented on that and called him a stick We do get teasingly playful with each other this way and dont take it to heart.Yes,although i do weigh bit more than that girl but i am not really overweight. I used to be.I'm just towards the extreme edge of my normal scale.I don't think 134 pounds for a 5.6 feet girl is that bad.Although I am trying to shed off some pounds because I want to look fitter.

Get off the computer and meet him. If he won't meet you then stop logging onto this addiction you have built yourself into.

yea this is something we have wanted to. The problem is from both sides as of now.We both live in 2 different states which aren't that far but not that nearby either and neither of us are that financially independent because we both are still students. We had planned that we'd continue our relationship the way it's going and then skype whenever we want to and when we finally get financially stable and independent,either of us would plan a trip to visit the other. This would take like 2 yrs but we were willing to wait unless some golden opportunity arises out of the blue where we get to visit each other's city for some professional reason. We didn't really have a problem with the long distance. Also,since he has an important degree exam to clear (which is in May this year), he said he wants to move out of his city and find a job else where. He said if he clears this,he'd like to try a job in my city. He said he also received a call from a company from my city few months ago but they didnt select him as he didn't have the required degree. So hoping he clears his exam this time,he said he'd definitely try for that company again

[Wakeup]

no but because we both believe in chastity

Then you shouldn't be showing him on cam how you masturbate. Being a VIRGIN does not automatically mean that you are chaste.

naah,okay it might sound like that from the 3rd eye but he would say it even when he thought i am the fake girl's persona. She isnt fat but when he thought i was her and when i'd say that i am going jogging,he'd still mockingly say "yea you should.You need to burn that fat" and then poke me calling me "fat" numerous times and then laugh until he realizes i am angry and then apologize. So it's just what he says. Basically it's because he's JUST TOO THIN and lean. I have commented on that and called him a stick We do get teasingly playful with each other this way and dont take it to heart.Yes,although i do weigh bit more than that girl but i am not really overweight. I used to be.I'm just towards the extreme edge of my normal scale.I don't think 134 pounds for a 5.6 feet girl is that bad.Although I am trying to shed off some pounds because I want to look fitter.

oh ffs. O.o

yea this is something we have wanted to. The problem is from both sides as of now.We both live in 2 different states which aren't that far but not that nearby either and neither of us are that financially independent because we both are still students. We had planned that we'd continue our relationship the way it's going and then skype whenever we want to and when we finally get financially stable and independent,either of us would plan a trip to visit the other. This would take like 2 yrs but we were willing to wait unless some golden opportunity arises out of the blue where we get to visit each other's city for some professional reason. We didn't really have a problem with the long distance. Also,since he has an important degree exam to clear (which is in May this year), he said he wants to move out of his city and find a job else where. He said if he clears this,he'd like to try a job in my city. He said he also received a call from a company from my city few months ago but they didnt select him as he didn't have the required degree. So hoping he clears his exam this time,he said he'd definitely try for that company again

so you have fear of commitment so you keep a jerk off pal that you can't possibly ever meet until you've got carpal tunnel syndrome?

Get real.

With any luck he'll be kind enough to let you go so you can grow up enough to find a real boyfriend.

Good luck, you're going to need it. Unless you're Indian and he's courting you via Skype until your arranged wedding date this whole thing is ridiculous and I wonder what your parents would think about your internet proclivities. Chaste! pfffft.

[gia123]

Then you shouldn't be showing him on cam how you masturbate. Being a VIRGIN does not automatically mean that you are chaste.

geeez no we dont masturbate on cam.We NEVER had the cam on until he wanted to skype with me the night of revelation. I didnt have a functioning web cam the entire time but i got it fixed that day somehow because i knew i'd be needing it. We just have normal sexting online by typing stuffs. NOT WATCHING .Shushhh -_-

so you have fear of commitment so you keep a jerk off pal that you can't possibly ever meet until you've got carpal tunnel syndrome?

i fail to understand how you can misinterpret so easily. Had i had commitment phobia,why would I have been sitting here typing paragraphs if i dont want a serious relationship? Come on,seriously. I am here just to have a feedback on what can i do to progress things better so that he feels emotionally connected again. [/QUOTE]

[TiffanyLum]

Just talk to him and tell him you want to rebuild and start over.

And then treat it as though nothing happened. Stop arguing over the same things and just move on

That's the best way to get him back together to normalcy

Alternatively you could always just get another boyfriend